A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm sick and bored of every day. I've never been in love and I'm turning 22. I'm sick of going to lectures, studying, and then coming home. Every day, nothing happens. I don't meet new people because I'm too big of a loser to go out socializing. I'm always awkward and out of place. I'm a geeky loser. I don't like girls at all, but I want to fall in love with one. I have nothing in common with them. I want someone to hug and cuddle with, a warm body, anything, I don't care anymore whether they are dumb or smart. During my free time, I sit alone in my room and try to do anything that will numb my mind. I'm shallow, insensitive, insecure, but girls tell me all the time I'm a nice guy. I'm not a nice guy. I'm the same as any other guy, I just look like a nice guy because I look geeky. I just want to love and have sex like everyone else. I keep seeing young lovers kissing in public and I feel horrible. I want to laugh at something that is actually funny and be able to be myself with someone. I wish I could just stop acting, feel comfortable, be happy, and be alive.Crushing loneliness consumes my very essence. My life is a parade of missed chances and social misfires, yet I continue to hide behind a mask of happiness. Why do I feel like an awkward teen going through puberty? Why am I so immature for my age? Do I have any hope at all of ever finding a connection with a girl? Are things ever going to change or am I always going to be the virgin loser that no one ever notices? I'm tired of trying. My siblings are married, successful, normal, and have had many girlfriends/boyfriends. I feel like the ugly duckling.Every time I get some glimmer of hope that a girl I like might like me back, I feel so happy and everything feels good. But every time, I end up failing to ever develop a relationship with a girl and end up right back here with only myself.Sorry if this is long and depressing. I'm just trying to be as honest and possible, and would appreciate any advice on what I should do.
View related questions:
immature, insecure, kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your answers. This is all good advice and I'm going to do my best to make things better. The fact that some of you have gone through this before, and refer to it only as a rough "stage" is something that gives me a lot of hope.
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (8 November 2010):
 OK. First thing: are/were all your siblings married happily at 18-21? That would be pretty early. Some might even say too early. But I suspect they're older than you and got married later than 21.
Second thing: I still sometimes feel just as awkward and stupid and shy and as much a total loser as I did at 17. That feeling never totally goes away. Life just gets easier as you get more experience of living as an adult, but it does take years. I mean really, years. I don't think a lot of people feel truly truly comfortable with themselves and life around them until they are in their early 40s. So don't panic. You are just at the very start of this, and you are no more immature than a lot of people.
What you seem to lack is confidence. So, first deal with your appearance: you keep saying you are geeky: are you? If so, get your hair done, buy some new clothes, get down the gym. Get a life like that. Particularly, get down the gym and do something like swimming or cycling. It will also give you loads of feel-good hormones and stop you being so depressed (I swear to God that is true - swimming literally saved me from depression once). Buy a week in Croatia or Greece or somewhere. Get a suntan. Snap your perspective into a different focus.
When you feel more confident about how you come across. you will find it easier to take a relationship further. You are crippling yourself at the moment with your own lack of faith in yourself. I say again, do some hard physical exercise and start to really feel that strong, cool, clever, funny person that you are. When you feel it, others will as well.
And again, do not panic. It will all happenen. It is not a question of if, but when. I can only tell you to get some action into your life and take charge, and I think the best way, which will also make you feel 100 times better about yourself, is to start a serious exercise programme. Really serious - it has to hurt. Then you will feel endeavour, challenge, and then triumph, pride, relief. Every day. There's your drama for the moment.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 You know that being good with people and sociable is a skill right... Its a skill that anybody can learn. You learn it by going out, putting yourself in social settings, talking to people and generally getting more comfortable around people.
You'll be awkward and say awkward inappropriate things, but just laugh about them, use these moments in stories to tell other people and calibrate from your mistakes- you can only get better!
Seriously, its not that hard- but you have to take that scary first step, get out of your little comfort zone- and regularly. The longer you stay in like a hermit- the harder you're making it for yourself.
Best of luck :)
...............................
A
male
reader, busterboyy  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 well dude this is what i got and it helped alot heres the word.........PRIDE!!!!!!!!! pride is the thing that says yes this gurl is hott but im going to talk to her!!, pride makes u step out in places u want to go but don't have the balls to! trust me ive done it before and its worked out great... but id hate to say this but dude but just be yourself and the right gurl will come along it just takes time!, oh and one more thing u gotta look!! anywhere in a mall,walmart,gamestop there's someone for everyone in this world u just gotta find em! hope this helps!
...............................
A
female
reader, cca9130  +, writes (8 November 2010):
I believe that the more times you tell yourself that you're a depressed guy and a horrible one, the more you repel girls. Plus, you may not believe me, but if you actually begin to think: i will have a nice relationship, you will get one! but stop thinking in no and dont's, the universe doesn't make a difference between yes and no, so if you still think i will not get a girlfriend, you wont! because that's what you're asking the universe. you need to first get up from your sofa and get out! no girl will appear to your front door and say: hey! i want to be your girlfriend. you need to get to know people and if you wonder why no relationship hasn't worked, it's because you attract all this negative energy that makes the girls want to run away. on a second thought, love isn't something that you can look for, it just happens, you can think about it, but boy, listen to me carefully, YOU NEED TO LET IT FLOW.and third, if it's only nurturing that you're looking for, and sex, go find a prostitute or some easy girl, there are tons! but if you're looking for a meaningful relationship, don't get your hopes down, it's hard and takes a lot of work and time, specially trial and error and maybe you'll hit it off with a girl and it won't work, but who cares! there are more girls and believe me when i tell you, there is a true love for everyone in this world, you just have to let it flow ;) luck boy
...............................
A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (8 November 2010):
In case you missed the memo, geeky is really "in" right now. Just look at how our culture has changed. There's an entire generation of women that have fallen in love with the "geeky" culture whether that be through Indie films, casual video games, alternative music, you name it (I know far too many women who would give themselves away to Michael Cera if they ever met him, because they love the scrawny, geeky, "nice guy" he portrays in his movies)
Just be who you are. You don't have to change yourself; there is a woman for every type of guy out there, as well as theres a guy for every type of woman. Maybe you do need to get "out" a bit more, but that can change over time. Next time you hear people talking about going out, ask them if you could join. I know it may sound awkward, but I've met a lot of great people I didn't know too well outside of school just by letting them join us when we were going out.
Most of all, start acting more confident. No one likes someone who constantly feels sorry for themselves. Love who you are and show it. Those are the most fun people to be around, trust me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. Read my post back and it is full of self-pity. One thing you suggested was that I get a hobby. I have plenty of hobbies that I use to numb my mind. I work out every day. I'm just sick of always trying to improve myself in hopes that someone will notice me in the future. Girls should notice me now, not after I have busted my ass trying to improve myself for 10 years. My brothers were having sex when they were 15. Instead I got the bad end of the gene pool and end up alone. If I could just find one person, just one, I wouldn't be so bitter. Because I cannot, I'm worried that I will only develop into a horrible person who's only goal is revenge. Life seems so weird and unfair.
...............................
A
male
reader, Latino201 +, writes (8 November 2010):
I have 1 single answer for you. SALSA!!! Let me tell you. I had a friend who was geeky as hell. I mean this guy is like 4'11 and about 100 pounds. He was so depressed 1 year ago. I went out dancing with some buddies and there he was! Surrounded by women, the life of the party. The guy joined a Salsa class which goes out every week to practice. All the ladies want to learn so he is now giving private lessons. He also started dating. SO, there is always hope. Salsa is just one way you can go, you can apply this to just about any hobbies. If you go out and meet people with similar interest.. you immediately have something to talk about. Also, don't be too hard on yourself, most people your age will feel alone even when they have company.. it goes with the territory.. u have to develop the social skills, this takes time. Try just making friends as well, male or female, this leads to more networking and opportunity. Peace.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 Sounds like you are throwing a big ol' PityParty for yourself - don't worry - we all do it from time-to-time.
You must think that life is easy for everyone else! Here's the secret... are you ready... NOPE! IT"S NOT EASY FOR ANYONE!!!!!! Most of the time, others feel pretty socially awkward and they are just doing a much better job of hiding it than you are! Just Fake It Until You Make It!!! That's a pretty good rule-of-thumb for self confidence.
Girls don't like geeky guys? I'm pretty sure Bill Gates is married! I just saw "The Social Network" on Friday; they had groupies LONG before they were billionaires!
The trick to conversation isn't being a sparkling wit with a hundred clever stories; it's asking the other person questions about themselves! Everyone always likes talking about themselves!
And you don't have to "go out and socialize" to meet others; just get involved with a few activities that you genuinely like! What did you always want to do when you were a kid that you never tried? Guitar? Caricature portraits? There's probably a class in it, whatever it is!!! JUST DO IT!!! The great thing about following ANY interest is that your creative juices get going, you get inspired around other like-minded people AND there's a greater chance of a spark developing when you have a shared interest and are spending time together!
Don't sit around waiting for things to happen - things always happen when you least expect it! Before the week is out - I want you to figure out one activity that you can get involved in and sign up.
You sound like a nice, lonely guy who just hasn't met the right person quite yet - but sitting around like a hermit, ruminating on it and sequestering yourself isn't going to change your life, it's actually hurting you and making you more depressed. So I want you to get out at LEAST 2 nights every week - force yourself at first if you have to! You WILL feel better the more you extend yourself, even if you think it's easier not to try. Trust me, I've been the spouse of a traveling husband and have had to pick up; move lock-stock-and-barrel and reinvent my life 5 times over - and Life Simply is Not Easy ----- BUT ---- You get out of it what you put into it! Good Luck Hun!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 You already know what you need to do:
"I don't meet new people because I'm too big of a loser to go out socializing."- do something about it, actually go out and defy the awkwardness. Socialize at your weirdest, and get embarrassed, but at least you are starting to get yourself active.
"I'm shallow, insensitive, insecure, but girls tell me all the time I'm a nice guy." -great! You have something to work with, girls think you are nice, not hopeless. Take it as a complement and improve on being nice guy.
"My life is a parade of missed chances and social misfires, yet I continue to hide behind a mask of happiness." - stop self pitying and take charge of your life. If there's an opportunity, next time grab it.
"I'm just trying to be as honest as possible" - GREAT! Girls love honesty above all else. Try to be honest in real life as well, and not just online. There's something to the old line "Be who you are", it's not just a stupid expression.
And please, stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are not abnormal, and your life isn't over yet. You are young, 22, and you are not alone at being a virgin at 22. Both men and women are still virgins at that age, and older. And: everyone wants love. It's what we all crave, and long for. Feeling like something is missing when you don't have love is a feeling every human being has. It does not make you odd. It makes you quite normal. But if you want something to change you can't sit around hoping it will drop on your head. You have to make a change in your life yourself. Be open, be friendly, be honest, be true to who you are, and start loving yourself. No one can love you if you don't love yourself. Thats also not just a stupid line, it's true. It's extremely unattractive to loath one self, and how can you bring happiness to a persons life if you are not happy with your own life? Remember what you offer a person. If you want someone who is good to you you need to offer something in return, in example honesty, loyalty, stability, happiness, laughter, friendship etc. If you feel incapable of giving all this to a person, why would they date you? You need to give of yourself. And offer something that women want. Are you hard working? Then thats a great quality. Are you smart? Great! And so on.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): You are absolutely fine my brother.I went through the same stage you are going through now.It happens to a lot of people.I want to give you some good suggestions..
1. When you are saying that you at your home and engage in something not satisfying, that means you realise that is not what you want.And that says that you are perfectly normal and not shallow..You can face yourself and say that you are not going the right way.So you are perfect.Now what you need to do is try to get off that same track you are going through and find something new..First step would be get out of your comfort zone and just get out of your room..and look around and enjoy walking the streets..talking to people more..
2. think a little bit differently..you are a great person..but you have to just look at that.Try to see positive sides.Try to enjoy things that are not boaring and add variety to it.I can suggest one thing that is very very helpful, at least for me( you are free to try)..Try cooking..May be it sounds trivial but not as you might think.Try to cook different things..or try to cook a very boaring dish differently..think about how you are going to add something different or extra to that dish so that it tastes better (or may be worse but still you are doing something new!).try to experiment with your life and daily routine..I might say, may be bunk a class for a day and get punished!Do I sound insane? but still you get a sour experience of life..just make your life a bit more eventful.I am not saying bunk everyday or do something really worse or illegal..but just add little fun to you life.You feel better..a lot better..trust me.
3.As for sex and love..WEll again you need to think differently..I am still single and virgin..and I am still looking for my partner.Doeas that make me feel bad..HELL NO!
You will learn slowly that those people who are going on a sex spree right now, few of them will have a long lasting happy relationship..So be patient and try to look for your ideal partner..Meet girls ..talk to them(i think already do)..The best way to attract girls is to first learn to respect yourself..love yourself..spend time on you..do things that you do not do usually or may you think they are sily..but after you do them you will feel free and more confident..Do those things..slowly you will be brimming with new thoughts and ideas..then go to girls..they will be attracted..remember bro sex is not the first and last thing..But LOVE is! So Try to LOVE someone..sex will come after that..if you cannot love and only look for sex..you will never be satisfied and you will get more frustration..coz all relatioship changes after sex..So LOVE first..then have a good sex..but LOVE..LOVE is all!
...............................
|
