A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI've found myself in a tough situation recently and feel I need some advice. Firstly I think its important to understand a few things about me. I'm quite shy, I find it hard to express my interest in someone directly and I also really don't like to upset anyone so always say yes to everything. The reason i've mentioned this may be clear later as i know it won't have helped.So I live with 6 other people, 2 of them are girls. It's not a permanent thing just 1 year postgrad student accommodation. I have developed strong feelings for one of the girls, I really like her, more than i've liked anyone in years, but i'm still getting to know her and wanting to spend more time with her as just the two of us. I'm trying to show my interest but its tough for me being so shy. She is shy too and seems to really open up when we spend time together but getting that time is hard.The other girl seems to have developed feelings for me, but I just don't like her in that way. This girl is a great friend but I'm not attracted to her. Recently she has started to become jealous that i've been spending more time with the other girl and although she hasn't said she likes me directly i really get the feeling from some of the conversations we've had recently and her actions.These two girls are also good friends so more than likely talk to each other about who they like etc.The problem seems to be that the girl who i don't like may have mis-interpreted me being nice and not saying no to things such as helping her with her work as maybe me being interested too (i dont know for sure). She is a genuinely good friend and i dont want to kill the friendship just to get the message across i'm not into her in that way. I try to help everyone and be nice to everyone. I don't want to hurt her, but i also cannot give her what she wants. I also don't want to throw away a good friendship if possible. I also don't want the girl i like to think i am off limits just because her friend likes me.What would you suggest I do?I know the obvious answer is just be open with them both and tell them. I wish it were that easy, i am very shy and realistically even if i would love to do that, its just not something i am capable of, so i'm looking for advice on how to handle the situation as best someone like me is able to.
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female
reader, Without Me  +, writes (25 February 2019):
Youre a people pleaser..you arent confrontational, but I suspect you fear rejection. I think that your description of shy in this situation is that you dont want to confront the friend that you arent interested in. But, you are a bit fearful the girl you have feelings for doesnt want you in return. I can tell you that there's not just a possibility they talk..they do. You are kind of blocking your chances with the one you have feelings for by not just saying to her what you need to say. You may know how you feel...but it may not be clear to her. You may be sending mixed signals. Id have to know a little more to be more decisive on that. Shes not going to tell the one you see as a friend to back off if she is shy. You are reinforcing her fears of rejection as well. Let her in on a little secret...you think the other girl likes you but you only see her as a friend. Keep spending time with the one you want..she will feel more comfortable and so will you. You have to decide whats more important...taking a risk and pursuing someone you want, or holding on to your heart so tightly you lose someone who likely cares as much for you.
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (24 February 2019):
 Poor "shy" you. I think maybe the two apt posts about your laziness/ gutlessness might have touched a nerve?
It's difficult to feel sympathetic to your situation when you're effectively playing two girls against each other.. by that I don't mean the girl you like necessarily likes you, she may just want a shag and enjoy harmless flirting- she would honestly be a shit friend to back stab her other friend, so is likely holding back.
So rather than dancing round what a coy little boy you are, start acting responsibly and start thinking about OTHER people's feelings! Your spinelessness is a lot harder on this girl who likes you- it WOULD be better to be straight with her than making her think she's got a chance by being wishy-washy with her.
So if you do end up with the first girl, bear in mind what a low snaky move that is. On both her and your parts. Just don't put a lame excuse behind it!
Being a responsible good MATURE person involves being brave, showing discipline and thinking of others other than just "me" shyness is a completely separate trait to what you've described yourself as here. Not saying you're a bad person but don't make excuses for lame behaviour! If you want to go and do a shitty thing, do it, but acknowledge you're doing a shitty thing.
So I second many others here- grab those balls, and put yourself OUT there. That takes a lot more effort like Wiseowl said, which is where the laziness comes in.. hopefully you acknowledge that now
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 February 2019):
 OP, my response will have come after you submitted your reply. There isn’t a double standard regarding this. We would also be telling a female poster not to try to date someone she lives with because it makes things messy for everyone in the house. Give it a year before trying to spend time alone with any of them.
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A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (23 February 2019):
 I doubt I'll add things that haven't been said but I'll try and give my opinion
As sad as it is, I agree with what everyones trying to say.
It's quite possible that they talk and their feelings about you is quite known to each of them, for the sake of honesty you really don't have a choice and the only way to live with peace is to come clean.
Believe me, Im as shy and meek as they come. Just talk to them one at a time and tell them how you feel. As bad as it may seem it's the only way to explain your actions in the past, by talking you can also get. But please don't pursue a relationship with the other girl. Even if somehow everyone in the dynamic is cool...room mates dating always end up with somehow getting hurt.
I know it's not what you wanted to hear but it's better for everyone this way. Opening up to either one of them now and trying to pursue something romantic is a bad idea. They're friends and room mates, and you don't want to get between that.
Just stay true to yourself and be honest to them eventually the year will pass and if it's mean't to be you can date her without anyone getting hurt or offended.
Stay cool and be yourself, sometimes you have to take charge in your life and man up.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 February 2019):
 The year will pass before you know it IF you make for a pleasant environment. If, however, you cause upset and friction by getting involved with one of the girls, the year will seem like 10 and you may even have to find alternative accommodation.
Stay on friendly terms with both girls but don't get involved romantically, otherwise you are likely to pay for it. If either makes a pass, say something like "I don't think it is a good idea to get involved with someone you have to share accommodation with" and leave it at that.
Once you all move on, if you still have feelings for one of the girls, stay in touch and see if anything comes of it.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (22 February 2019):
 I agree with everyone here. Stick to platonic friendship. Best deal for everyone. If after 1 year and everyone has moved to different places, and you still find yourself interested in pursing a relationship with the girl, then go for it at that time.. not now. NOT. NOW.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2019): OP here.Thanks for the advice, however I feel you are both unfair. I don't know why having feelings for someone i live with is such an awful thing and why you would suggest it means I am lazy and don't want to find someone else. I try to meet lots of people it just so happens i like the one i live with. The very fact I am asking for advice suggests that I am trying to not be a "trouble maker" as you accuse me of.I don't understand why i am the villain for liking a girl i live with yet you've not mentioned anything about the girl i live with who likes me, is she also lazy and a trouble maker?The answers on this site seem to vary so much if the poster is a man or a woman and the double standards are crazy. If i was a woman you'd probably tell me to follow my heart.I'm sorry but you're advice is terrible. I'm sure you will now reply with obviously i'm bipolar or some other ludicrous conclusion you've managed to jump to.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 February 2019):
“Don’t sh*t where you eat”. Trying to date or hook up with people you live with is always a bad idea unless you’re already a couple before moving in together. People get uncomfortable or jealous, or a break up/tension makes things awkward for everyone. Let it go - both of them. Stick to friendships only until you’re out of there.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 February 2019):
 Yes to everything uncle Wise Owle says!!
To add to his answer, you're not just shy, but lazy and non confrontational as well. You don't want any awkward encounters with anyone, you don't want to say no, you don't even want to say yes. You just want things to go your way without doing anything. This isn't shyness, it's laziness.
The simple point is that you're too non motivated to do anything and have decided that you can't say anything to anyone. You will soon realise that life will teach you the hard way to face your problems with no cushioning whatsoever, but till then, since you're incapable of saying or doing anything else, just forget about both these girls. Can you do it or are you too shy even for that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2019): You have to take a pass on both of them. Living situations mixing males and females always end-up with people hooking-up. In the end, somebody either gets used; or somebody gets hurt.
They are your roommates. Your flat is not your harem; or your dating-pool to pick who you like, and reject who you don't like. Causing friction between roommates while you date one in the face of the one who actually likes you? A recipe for disaster! For all you know, the one you like may not be attracted to you in the way you think she is. You don't know; because you don't have the nuggets to find-out.
I'd bet you're right that they've discussed the matter between them, just as you suspect.
You're about to cause a mess; unless you just tell the girl who likes you that you're not romantically-attracted to her. If you go for her friend; you'll do more than hurt her feelings. You'll cause rivalry between friends; and the other girl will probably reject you her sake anyway!
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!" You think you're in a pickle now? Cross that line, kiddo!
It's all fishing in a barrel. Everyone falling for each other left and right; when the purpose is to share the rent, not your beds. Your shyness has you choosing one over the other "between friends!" You're a wedge and potential trouble-maker, my friend!
Man-up and set things straight! The girls are forced to live together, and one will only be jealous of the other; if you choose between them. Stay neutral and platonic.
You're not just shy, you're lazy; and avoiding having to search for romantic-interests the hard-way. Actually having to break the ice, be charming, and get to know women. It's easier with a bird in the hand; but the one who really likes you is an added complication. They're friends to-boot!
Your best bet is to remain neutral and friendly; and share the rent like you're supposed to. Honor house-rules and be good roomies. Move-out first, then pursue the one you like; if you're smitten so badly you can't stand yourself.
If you want romance, grow-up and open-up to women who aren't sitting under the same roof. Where you can conveniently pick them off the shelf like you're at the supermarket. It's the same rule as work. If things go wrong, you're going to have a three-way drama on your hands. The girls are out-numbered by the guys. All the other fellows are keeping their proper distance. You're playing with matches near dynamite!
You're contemplating opening a can worms, and causing drama.
The house just might vote YOU off the island!
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