A
female
age
41-50,
*onfusedandfrustrated7
writes:Sorry... it's a LONG one to read if you have time :-DSo, I’ve been married for 6 years to my husband. I’m 28 and he’s 32. We had a great foundation of friendship before we got married and he is a wonderful man as far as he tries to provide and works hard, truly loves our children and helps with them and I know he does love me, but I feel it’s more like he loves me as a sister. Plus, the sex has ALWAYS been horrifying. Not only that, but we have never made out before nor have we had any foreplay. It’s basically, hmm, let me turn over at 12:30 when I know you're already half asleep, rub your crotch for a few minutes (but I shouldn't dare to touch his) like I’m trying to start a fire and stick it in and well…. That should do it for me for 2-3 months or so. I actually feel likes he waits until late at night on purpose so I will have no energy to actually initiate some real passion. I was SOOO stupid to buy the whole “I’m a virgin and want to wait to do ANYthing (even kiss) until we get married” line. That should have been a red flag, but I just thought all people had the potential to be good lovers. Unfortunately, I just no longer believe in that theory. He told me he was just so “excited” about oral sex and the deep french kisses we would share, but wanted to wait to be “right” before God…. HAHAHA, gimme a BREAK! I “did” TRULY believe that, I really did, but I have to admit my faith and spiritual walk has declined because I don’t understand why God would do this to me. Well, after I tried and tried to get him to french kiss me, go down on me and even go down on him, he would give me these terrified disgusted looks and finally admitted that he detests body fluids of all kinds and does not even like me to go down on him as it makes him sick to his stomach on top of thinking it’s degrading for a woman. He also does not like kissing and “barely” pecks me with his lips sticking out as far as possible (I guess he wants to make it known early on that NOTHING will get him to open his mouth a little). Needless to say, I got the drift early on that ANY of those things were never going to happen in our sex life. I have tried and tried to patiently teach him how to be a semi-decent lover over the last 6 years, but it has not done anything at all. I actually think talking to him in a loving way has pushed him away as we maybe have sex once every two months at this point and ya know, his knee hurts, or he gets sick to his stomach, or he throws his back out 5 minutes before and can barely have sex at all. He’ll do the usual fire starter and then just plop down and put ALL his weight on me and then proceed to hump me like a desperate dog humping a leg (seriously). He has now admitted that he thinks sex is gross and really does not care if we have sex or not, but he is going to “try” to do his duty and “give” on the sex if I’ll give on “being happy all the time,”I’m not kidding…… that’s what he wants in exchange for “granting” me some sex with (no real romance or passion… UNBELEIVABLE). Again, I have blown up many times and explained my frustration, but it does nothing. Furthermore, I have wanted to go to Sex Therapy and Marriage Counseling, but he has put it off for almost 2 years and says it’s not a financial priority right now. I finally told him that I was very much considering an affair and he said he knew that, but that he expected better than that and “knew” I would never do something like that! He also said that sex shouldn’t be a priority because what if he was impotent or paralyzed? He said he would expect me to be a lady and stay faithful even then. It just KILLS me how oblivious he can be about how OTHER PEOPLE ARE!!! Most people (especially men) have a pretty high sex drive. I can honestly say we maybe had sex once every two weeks even when we first got married. Because of the fact I wanted sex more than once a week and because I wanted to be semi-passionate in the bedroom, he then accused me of having a "spirit of lust," which frankly, I don’t think I’ve ever forgiven him for that, but more than that, this just shows me his skewed viewpoints of sexuality are in general. I even ask him, what’s your fantasy of me, and his response is “Nothing really! I like you laying just like that (ie missionary position)!” The problem is, I am almost certain at this point our sex life will never change because he has such a deep phobia of body fluids and oral anything (even certain foods) that he seemingly “forgot” to mention BEFORE we got married. I guess I feel it's unfair to trap someone like this by lying in a way beforehand when he knew deep down he was not cut out for sexuality, especially when the other person is openly very sexual and TOLD them that beforehand. I just feel like he controls me by not showing any passion or sexual desire for me. His idea of romance is “Hey, you wanna do it?” and even then he looks almost scared to be asking. He would never respond to my suggestive texts or FB messages saying that “you know I’m not like that!” I mean, COME ON…. You can make an exception here, I’m your WIFE for crying out loud!!!! Most men would kill for their sexy wives to flirt with them and actually want sex more than once every two months, lol!Ok, so on with my story……………….. My ex (who I have my first child by) and I have always been crazy attracted to one another. He says I’m like chocolate and he could never say no to me. I have to admit we have chemistry that’s INSANE!!! We are pretty much best friends and have worked out the things in the past and have a solid friendship. I had forgiven him for the past when he was really immature and couldn’t handle commitment at that point. I think it was both our faults the relationship didn’t work out at the time. Needless to say, somehow we got to talking during one of the times we were setting up the visit for our daughter to go see him and I just told him how awful my sex life was and that there was no intimacy, etc. etc. I could tell he became excited and then asked me how I felt about us getting together once in awhile to hang out an have some amazing sex? He’s newly single after ending a 4 year relationship and I have to admit, I have been thinking about it NON-STOP!!! He told me he did not want to pressure me and would never be upset if I said no because I felt too guilty. I almost wonder if it would be a bad thing since my husband could give a crap about sex and that it might help relieve some sexual frustration on my part once in awhile?I haven’t received oral or even been romantically kissed since him??! Geesh, that's sad!
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a break, affair, best friend, flirt, foreplay, immature, kissing, my ex, oral sex, sex drive, sex life, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, confusedandfrustrated7 +, writes (2 November 2010):
confusedandfrustrated7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has a history of looking at gay porn. He bought some a few days before we were married and right after. Plus, sporadically, I will find out he's been looking at it. The thing is, he never told me it was GAY porn, until I found some on the computer one day and broke into his email in 2008 (this was when I found the dates) However, I got so desperate that I began watching porn here and there, so I can't condemn him. He totally and adamantly denies he's gay stating that he's been attacked by the "spirit" of homosexuality, but that he would never want to be with a man. He just likes voyeurism when he gets weak. I dunno, I was paranoid he was gay for awhile, but then I finally realized he just HATES PHYSICAL sex I think!!!
A
female
reader, confusedandfrustrated7 +, writes (2 November 2010):
confusedandfrustrated7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was a fundamentalist Christian until I started doing a bunch of research about the origins of what preachers teach today. I found most of it is brought over from pagan traditions (especially the horrendous teaching of eternal punishment, as it came from Augustine). Sadly, I no longer get much out of religion as a whole and I know there is no "burning hell" that some angry god is going to throw around 97% of humanity (this IS what fundamentalists believe whether they admit it or not)into the "eternal flames of hell" because they didn't quote "make a decision for Jesus" within their lifetime. You see, THEIR Jesus is a miserable failure that cannot save people. Gimme a break!
So, you can say I'm a little disgruntled with religion as a whole. I hope I can get my faith back one day, but sadly enough, my romantic/intimacy problems with my husband just add to the fire of doubt in God, whereas my husband just has so much faith that he's just dandy, lol!
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A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (2 November 2010):
 Insane chemistry will only get you in trouble, and having an affair will make you despise your husband even more. You knew to a certain extent what you were marrying; it's not like he just changed over night. I totally understand your frustration and would probably end up having an affair if I were in your shoes. I will offer that it's an extremely slippery slope that ends up involving more of yourself than you can realize right now. You will more than likely be more consumed by the affair than anything else going on around you, including being a wife and a mother. Nothing can really prepare you for that or prevent it, but keep it in mind.
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A
female
reader, lam0111 +, writes (2 November 2010):
Don't have an affair!! It will only make everything SO MUCH WORSE in the long run. The guilt will eat you alive!!! Your husband will never think the same of you after that. And you can 100% guarantee you'll never get where you'd like to be with your husband.
You HAVE TO take care of your marriage FIRST even if that means leaving it or fixing it. If your husband is refusing or putting off counseling then make the appointment and go for yourself.
You can't change anyone else's actions or behaviors, but you CAN change your OWN. When you change your own there's only tow ways the other person can go.... either 'follow' along and change with you or get left behind. Either way, you'll be ok. Just don't have an affair.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (2 November 2010):
 So, you guys come from a religious background, did I read that right? So chances are that your husband wouldn't be OK with the idea of you getting your (disgusting, to him) needs met elsewhere? It would be so much better if he was prepared to contract that 'duty' out.
I have to say I'm torn on this one. As a rule my advice is that cheating is never justified. If the marriage is that bad you should just leave. But it sounds like, outside of sex, you guys have a pretty decent relationship, and that you're making a good home for your children. That's amazingly important.
On the other hand you're not the first person I've heard of who was effectively sold a bill of goods under the label of "after we're married all will be right in the sight of God." I don't think it's fair that an important part of your makeup be shoved aside forever because you took him at his word, that you be condemned to a life of celibacy.
So I guess the question is, can you genuinely maintain a FWB relationship with your ex? Can you really just have sex with him and not take anything away from the relationship with your husband, without jeopardizing the stable home your child is living in? Some food for thought, maybe.
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A
female
reader, RN04 +, writes (2 November 2010):
I know that this is not the answer you are looking for, but I'm going to tell you anyway. I don't think you should do it. You were honest enough to tell your husband that you were considering it and he told you that it would kill him if you did. He did not give you permission to have an open relationship.
It sounds like you feel trapped and like your husband is not willing to make things better with you. The only way to change anything is to go to extremes. This does not mean having an affair. This means telling your husband that either he seeks professional help or you want a separation or divorce. Are you ready to turn your world upside down, though? I'm not sure that you are. I know that you are looking for the simplest solution, but, unfortunately, one does not exist.
If you have an affair, you will hurt your husband and end up feeling guilty in the long run, yourself. If you ask for a separation or divorce, your world will be turned upside down. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. The easiest route, I would think, is to demand the marriage counselling, or else. An affair will create way too many more problems.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): This sounds pretty bad, and there may be no answer, but don't have an affair. End the marriage if necessary, but don't have an affair.
Your husband may have been sexually abused, and in fact sounds like he was.
Get a counselor and see if you can make headway, be prepared for a long slog, it can be painful, very painful, and you should be prepared to hear some painful things.
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