A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 16 and I've left school. I'm currently on study leave and are going back for exams on certain days this week and the next few weeks.me and a male teacher (24 years old) were always reallly really close, it might sound wrong but we kinda started seeing eachother secretlynow i've left school and he says he really cares for me and doesnt want to stop seeing eachother.would it be breaking the law to still see him?i mean i know im 16 now but does it matter that he was once a teacher at my school?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): ok, i know what your going through. i am the same. im 16 and i am seeing my teacher. and it is the best and the worst thing i have ever done. good luck. i think with the people on here we are going to need it.xxx
A
female
reader, mysterious_blonde_lady +, writes (6 June 2009):
Does not matter if they do not take no for an answer; if they don;t take no then they are either a rapist or a molester; if a teacher 'consents' to a relationship then they are to blame. You can be as 'realistic' as you like about this. Kids are kids, they don;t know what they want; they think this is they what they want but when they get there it;s a different story. This is why there are laws to protect them, but children have little life experience and therefore cannot make informed decisions because they have nothing back up those decisions and therefore cannot be held responsible if an adult in a position of trust agrees to adhere to their corrupt ideas. If a child is attracted to an adult, it is that adults responsbility to ensure that the child understands that nothing can ever happen and that if it did it would create an impossible situation. It is that adults responsibility to report the instance. If an adult fails to do any of these things; morally and in the eyes of the law they are to blame. A child can nag and nag and nag, if you give in, it is your fault not the childs. A child does not know any better. That is why children are protected. If a teacher is forced into a relationship through blackmail or rape this is an offence; however if a teacher consents they are responsible. To say a child cannot take no for an answer or throws themselves at a teacher is ridiculous and immature as well as naive and short-sighted. Anyone who truly believes this has a corrupt way of thinking or is personally involved in a situation or has been and would prefer to either blame the child for their innappropriate behaviours or cannot face blaming themselves or even potentially their partner for such circumstances.
It does not matter if a child cannot take no for an answer, i am being realistic here. A teacher can ALWAYS say no. If a teacher cannot say they should not be a teacher.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): myterious blond lady i agree with you, TEACHERS ARE DEFINATELY TO BLAME FOR THEIR ACTIONS but lets be realistic, there are instances where some students/kids/children do not take NO for an answer. let's just be realistic here. some students/kids/children "know" exactly what they want and they are not shy to go out and get it.
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female
reader, mysterious_blonde_lady +, writes (30 May 2009):
If a student walks in a room, nude and says 'take me'. They are UNDER 18 and therefore not responsible if the teacher then says 'alright'. It is the teacher whose responsibility it is, not the student. Students are held by no laws or rules that stop them from hitting on their teachers other than sexual harassment and rape. Unless the student raped, blackmailed, or sexually harassed their teacher they are not to blame for any sexual misconduct. If a teacher accepts an offer from a student, it does not matter if that student 'wont take no for an answer', the teacher has a brain, and their own feelings and can make their own decisions. A teacher can report a student who is constantly harassing them; if they choose not to and choose to enter into a relationship that is a CHOICE on their part. It does not matter how sexually experienced a child is, they are not blame for any sexual interest imparted by an ADULT in a position of trust. Equally, a student should not be encouraging the sexual interests of a teacher, however this should be reported not responded to. The argument that the girl was 'asking for it' is very common amongst rapists. No one is ever 'asking for it', no girl below the age of 18 can be blamed for the sexual interests of a teacher.
I have looked over many of the teacher problems on this site; infact i was one of the girls in this position and i can tell you something; most of these girls don't know what they want, they are vulnerable and confused and excited by the prospect of a teacher wanting them. It is NOT their fault and they should NEVER be insulted, given abuse, ridiculed or mocked for the feelings or situations they find themselves in; because things are never what they seem and the hurtful things that people say can make people do very stupid things. Many of the girls that enter into relationships with their teachers are insecure, unhappy and looking for an escape from their lives. When they are mocked or insulted or told that what they see is 'all in their heads' instead of moving on, instead of seeing the situation for what it is they just delve further and deeper into the situation in order to prove to themselves that those hurtful things people said weren't true. That they are beautiful and wanted and that their teacher is sexually aroused by them. Don;t you see? Most of these girls DO blame themselves for the relationships they hold with teachers; you really believe that this young girl 'initiated' the relationship she holds with this teacher? Do you think a young girl would try and initiate a relationship if she didnt think that this teacher was already interested in her? And the fact that he agreed to it, proves he was.
Lots of girls get crushes on their teachers, let it go move on or they tell their teachers and feel silly afterwards when the teacher says no. But this is the point a teacher is supposed to say NO. If they do not, it is their fault. A student does not have any responsibility in these situations because they are NOT an adult.
Children make mistakes all the time, and sometimes it is their fault, but you have to remember that they are children. And although they seem to be growing up faster these days and speak and behave as if they are much older in some ways; in other ways they are still very much children. I;m sure that if a mother found out her daughter was having sex with a teacher; that her daughter insisted she had initiated the relationship - the mother would certainly not blame the daughter.
If a 16 year old girl initiates a relationship with a 25 year old man, she is not taking advantage or abusing any kind of authority. However; if this is a 25 year old teacher; by agreeing to the relationship they ARE taking advantage.
I think many people are 'blindsighted' by the acts these girls put on. They are 'more mature' they 'understand what they are doing'. Of course they don't. They are NOT equally to blame at all; it is the teacher's responsibility they are to blame. They can say NO, any time - it does not matter if they 'threw themselves at the teacher' that is only more reason that the teacher should say no; because to take advantage of someone 'throwing themselves at you' is pretty low.
It is a teacher's job NOT to be manipulated by kids, any adult in a position of trust that can be manipulated by kids is irresponsible and untrustworthy and should not be a teacher.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): Dear reader. i still stand by my words that sometimes kids/children/students MANIPULATE THEIR TEACHERS. we are always blaming teachers for their "misconduct" yet we fail to realise that these girls are also to blame for the affairs. some girls just won't take NO for an answer and throw themselves at their teachers. sometimes their age does not match their sexual experience. does this make it right for the teachers to take advantage of the situation. NO.
all i am saying is there are 2 sides to each story . let us not tbe blind sighted by this fact. sometimes it is both the teacher and the student who is equally to blame. just read all the teacher/student stories on this site. it speaks volumes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): I have actually posted to this room before on this matter - but the last comment by the female anonymous writer spurred me to make a further comment.
Firstly, i would say that dont be intimidated by what people force upon you, don't change your argument about things when you worry that people might try and twist your way of thinking into being something 'immature'. There is one thing that is difficult to determine; no matter how mature you might be for your age, adults, even 30 year olds, make mistakes and poor judgement sometimes, fall in love with the wrong man, think something is love when it isn't etc.. etc.. This isn't about maturity, however; alot of maturity does come from life experience, your experience in relationships can only be limited. I'm guessing you have come here looking for that advice; you know what you want to do, you are looking for someone to confirm your decision, for someone to tell you what you want is ok. It is very difficult for people on here to do that for you because no one will understand your situation like you do. Unfortunately, every day teachers take advantage of their students, sometimes on purpose, sometimes unintentially. I think what you need to be aware of is that there are many potential developments in situations like this and as just demonstrated; people will judge you and him (especially him) for your relationship.
You are 16, so you are not an adult yet, until you are 18 you cannot have an open relationship with your teacher; you can wait the two year stretch before starting anything OR he can resign and work somewhere else. This teacher, may be in love with you, but is more likely to be attracted to you. If you think about adult relationships; many people date and get to know each other but when it comes to the relationship it doesn't work out. Older people, who are more experienced in relationships, have had their first love, are often less keen or quick to gain emotional attachments and will not think on the relationship as 'true love'. You do stand to get your heart broken, i'm sure you have been told this many times and dismiss it as 'worth it', correct me if I'm wrong.
I won't say you are too immature because by the sounds of it your teacher isn't particularly mature and i don't doubt he has possibly the same if less emotional maturity than you. You are within his age range, so in terms of age it isn't that wrong, however it becomes difficult when people ask how you met, or how long you've known each other, when he fell in love with you :S that's whne it starts to sound wrong. Sometimes in these situations, all you want to do is follow your heart, but what you need to do is, take a step back and gather some kind of control over this situation. Say you want nothing to happen until you are 18; now if he loves you he will wait, if he doesn't that's when you know he isn't worth it.
Also, on another point i would discourage you from taking much of the last comment by the 'anonymous female' seriously because she talks on something she either does not understand or has personal issues with. To call someone a child, then to immediately blame that child for the sexual affections of an adult teacher is disgusting in my opinion; many young girls blame themselves for the innappropriate relations they hold with teachers when it is NOT their fault. Often these girls believe they are in love with these teachers and are naive to the situation; they are not selfish girls who 'want what they want' as this lady so eloquently put it, but vulnerable young people are looking for someone to lose themselves in. These teachers should not be engaging in sexual relations with their students; the rules are not there to protect 'teachers' they are there to protect children from sexual abuse. If a teacher is engaging in a sexual relation with a 'child' then to blame the child is an extremely short-sighted and is potentially psychologically damaging. No CHILD should EVER be blamed for the attentions of an ADULT. And should never be called selfish for desiring such attentions.
That said, you are 16, and have made it clear that you are more mature than your years, in which case i do think that the potential effects on others should be obvious to you; and if you really did encourage relations from this young teacher away from his girlfriend, then you should consider the effect it might have on you if, in future, this man ever ends up with another school girl following his relation with you. As often is bluntly put; once a cheater, always a cheater.
I do believe, that relations with teachers should always be avoided, and if you are not in love with this man it is probably not worth it. You are not an 'adulterer' you are a young girl who is obviously confused and wanting something that she has been led to believe is wrong to want. That is never a good position to be in and does destroy lives, this cannot be ignored. I think you need to consider all of the pros and cons, and the potential barriers, if you are close and friends with this man i think you two need to discuss this situation. Also; i think whether you get involved with him or not, depends entirely on how he initiated involvement. If he treats you in a sexualised or consistently innappropriate manner (even if you consider it flirting) i would strongly discourage union. Also; a huge warning sign is if he talks of how awful his girlfriend was to him, or how much he dislikes her.
I hope you find this useful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): "He's recently broke up with his girlfriend (who was the same age as him) because he just said the love died". the love died for his real gf because the lust and sex was given by you.
please do not berate us for giving you adult advice. you hsve decided he is the one so let it be. i look forward to your post a few months down the line when your heart has been broken and you come to cupid for advice to mend your broken heart.
celtic tiger, as always excellent advice.
alternatve view on studenst affairs with male teachers:
what i must say is this as well - children like you like to throw themselves at their teachers, you kids are manipulative and just want want want from your teachers. you just take and create havoc in your teachers lives, not even bothering with the consequences of your actions. you helped destroy this mans girl friends life. you are selfish and you crave the sex from this man. why not just charge for your services in pleasing him. after all you claim to be adult enough.
this teenage crush you girls have are destroying teachers lives, and their families. yes, we feel sorry for you girls, thinking the teachers are taking advantage of you. but in the same token, you girls are also manipulating them and offering yourself on the plate to your teachers. you gilrs have no morals in breaking up married homes, you girls start at an earlt age to be adulterers. you know what you are going- you do not care that some teahers have wives and kids as well. you just take- beause you ca. read all the mail form the kids professing to love/lust after their teachers.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (22 May 2009):
 You asked for our advice, and we have given you an honest response. The fact that you do not like the answers, and are not willing to appreciate what you are doing IS wrong and the seriousness of the situation shows that you have got a lot of emotional development to go through.
You said:
“me and a male teacher (24 years old) were always reallly really close, it might sound wrong but we kinda started seeing eachother secretly”
“i mean i know im 16 now but does it matter that he was once a teacher at my school?”
You said it yourself. Yes it is wrong. Deep down, you know this.
When you become a teacher you sign up for “Duty of care”. This is where we become responsible for the children in our care while they are at school. Not just their educational welfare, but also their emotional and personal development.
It doesn’t matter if you were 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 OR 18. Even at University aged 19, 20, 21 it is deemed UNACCECPTABLE for a student to have a relationship with a teacher. The teacher is usually sacked for gross misconduct, and the student disciplined or even thrown off their course. This is because it brings up lots of issues about bias towards the student (better grades), but also an abuse of a position of power (sleep with me or I will fail you). In the work place, it is also frowned upon for the boss to have affairs with the staff for exactly the same reasons. These laws put in place to protect the students AND the teachers. It’s not the big bad adults stopping you from having fun. If it’s ok for him to sleep with you, why is it NOT ok for another teacher to sleep with, one, two, three or more of his students? Because for you its love? Every one of the other girls probably says the same. How would you feel if your daughter was having a secret relationship with one of her teachers?
You are/were still at school. As YOUR teacher, he had a duty of care. He should never have started a relationship with you in the first place, and that is the issue here. He shouldn’t have done it, no matter what he feels for you. IF he does reciprocate your feelings for him, then he should have left the school, quit teaching, or waited until you had left the school, BEFORE pursuing the relationship.
By doing this, he has left himself vulnerable – if found out, he may lose his job. He may be stopped from teaching. People will talk, and they may suspect him of doing it with other girls. He will lose the trust of both his colleagues and the parents of the students he teaches. A LOT of parents would be up in arms about having their daughters taught by a teacher who was in a sexual relationship with a current or former pupil.
As a teacher, there is such a fine line between what you can and cannot do in a classroom. Having a relationship with you is one of those things. IF he can’t play by the rules, then he shouldn’t be a teacher. Bottom line.
I have no doubt you feel a huge emotional tie to this man. You feel that I am telling you that you shouldn’t be doing it. In my experience day to day, teenagers do not like to be told NO, and get into a huff when it happens. Your response showed this. An adult would realize that this is a no-win situation and back off. Sometimes you can't have what you want in life. Sometimes you have to wait to have a relationship with a man.
If you care for him as much as you say you do, then you will realize the damage that you could be doing to him if this gets out. Do you see yourself marrying this man, or is it just a cheap fling? Could you live with yourself if he lost his job because of an illicit tryst with you? Do you really like him that much?
Its time for you to grow up. Be the adult in this relationship. Think about the bigger picture.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionokay, first off thanks to everybody who actually gave me advice- not calling me names or whatever.
can I just set the record straight cause im seeing this pretty nasty picture most of you seem to be painting in your head. maybe I didnt give enough information.
it started when I was 16 and he was 23 (he has only recently turned 24). I am not one of his 'victims' believe me, none of you know him and he is not like that. he's not a paedophile and he CERTAINLY did not rape me.
he didn't 'go after me' in any respect if anything it was me who started it all.
And to all of you doubting whether this is 'real love' or not, I never even said it was or wasnt.
believe me, i'm extremely mature for my age- however much you may doubt that by my actions- and I know for a fact how I feel about someone and I do care for this guy a lot.I dont see him as my teacher AT ALL if anything, he's more like an older friend.
He's recently broke up with his girlfriend (who was the same age as him) because he just said the love died. that's it. it's not like he's a wierdo that has to go after innocent school girls AND I AM THE ONLY ONE. he hasn't got a 'string of us' or anything stupid like that.
we care alot about eachother. it's not wrong in anybodys eyes but the law. oh and some of you on here.
thanks for the advice anyway (:
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female
reader, mysterious_blonde_lady +, writes (20 May 2009):
No he cannot be prosecuted, however it against his professional conduct to see an ex-student below the age 18. He may lose his job over it. You are 16/17, and he is 24, so there isn't too much of an age gap there. I am curious though as to why you have published this onto a site? If you want to know whether he can get in trouble ask him? He will know, he will have had all of these guidelines spelled out to him when he became a teacher. Also, your relationship can't be a secret forever, how are your parents going to react when you tell them where you met? To sustain a relationship with you he will have to resign and move schools.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): Its fine if u have left school and your over 16.
Go for it. stuff what everyone else has sed. believe in your heart. hes not that much older. it could work.
good luck xxxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): He will get in trouble if found out, because like someone else said he is a teacher and signed a duty of care.
Now try and thinking about it logically, not emotionally. This man is a lot older than you, he has a lot of life experince than you and he wants a 16 year old? Do you think he be going after other school girls? If he went after you, he will go after other school girls and that could effect them. He shouldn't be working with teenagers if he can't keep it in his pants.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): You people are twisted! She only asked if it was illegal she never asked for your ass-backward opinions! Right babe you live in the u.k and you are 16 its not illegal x
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female
reader, babyminow  +, writes (20 May 2009):
 it is illegal for a man over the age 18 to be dating a girl under the age 18 unless they go to school together, and if yall got physical and anyone found out he would go to jail for RAPE, you are probably just another one of his victums. it is not right to have a student teacher relationshiop. if i were you i would go talk to your parents and or princapal, because who knows how many young woman he has trapped and had illegal sex with. it is just discusting for that kind of relationship to happen, he needs to find weman his own age and not look for girls just learning to drive, thats just sick man. honestly if i were you i would go research all the other statistics and stories about other girls in the same situation as you. its unsafe and unmoral.
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reader, ez4u2say +, writes (20 May 2009):
I am not going to waste alot of typing on this one. You know its wrong or you wouldn't have asked. You need to let your parents know right away! He is an intellectual much older mentally and physically why do you think he is interested in you? Simple ( Easy Sex )
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (20 May 2009):
FYI - You are not the only one to be blinded by young love and emotion.
This is a recent case
http://www.eastbourneherald.co.uk/news/Teacher-jailed-for-sex-with.4941639.jp
Dont become another statistic of young girls abused by teachers.
BE STRONG, BE SAFE AND MOVE ON TO A BRIGHT AND BRILLIANT FUTURE
Good luck xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): In the United States he would be considered a pedophile and if convicted, be a registered sex offender with his address and picture posted online for the rest of his life.
As you are not fully mature, the age gradient sharply indicates this man is a sexual predator.
If this arrangement were right, you wouldn't be here asking about it.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (20 May 2009):
This is totally wrong on many levels.
I am 25, and a teacher myself. I personally could not ever have a relationship with one of my students. It is just wrong on so many levels. Both professionally and morally.
HE needs to get his head looked at - he is putting his professional career at risk by seeing you. He could lose everything. Job, career, reputation, and end up on the sex offenders list or paedophile list to boot.
When you become a teacher you sign up for something called "Duty of Care", that is you are put in a legal position of trust to look after vulnerable young people, who can be easily manipulated. As a teacher myself, my job is to protect the students in my care. This is not just their educational well being, but also their emotional and personal development. HE HAS BROKEN THIS RULE. and HE HAS BROKEN THE LAW. If found out, he will definitely lose his job, and probably never be allowed to teach again, or anywhere near children. THIS IS BECAUSE HE HAS BROKEN THE RULE OF TRUST. He may also be prosecuted for rape of a minor and gross misconduct. Do you want him to go to jail?
By activly having a relationship with you, whilst still at the school in which he teaches he is BREAKING THE LAW.
You are 16 - over the legal age of consent in the UK, so he cannot be prosecuted for rape, unless of course you were sleeping with him before you turned 16.
BUT - a warning. Have you considered WHY he is having a "relationship" with you? A normal hot blooded 24 year old man (and I have known a few) has a very different outlook on life, sex and relationships to that of an inexperienced 16 year old. Does he just like young girls? Are you the only one? Does he want to keep seeing you once you have left, or is it the thrill of getting caught that excites him?
You may not be the only one who thinks she is in love with him. He may have a whole line of you on the go. Think about this. He may be using you. In which case he is a CHILD ABUSER.
You need to report him. Talk to an adult you trust, and stay away from him. Even if this really is "LOVE" which I doubt, if you continue this relationship after you leave people will ask questions. He will be scrutinised, and if anything is found that suggests you and he were together before you left the school, his career will be over. HE WILL BE FOUND OUT.
Please, think about yourself. You are worth far more than him. He is not worth it. Concentrate on your exams, and do not let him ruin your life as well as his own.
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male
reader, Prophet7 +, writes (19 May 2009):
Wow. This is very illegal. In the states this would be considered statutory rape because you are under 18. I don't the know the laws in your country or the age of consent but your teacher should know better. He is a grown man who has gone to college and experienced a lot more than a 16 year old girl in high school. You should be wondering why he is not seeing someone his own age. My advice to you is to put an end to this fast before you get hurt or he ends up in jail. You would be doing both of you a favor. Concentrate on your school work and slow down with dating older men. See guys around your own age and don't be to eager to grow up so fast. Enjoy being a kid with little responsibility. When 18 hits and you have to pay bills and work you'll be wishing you was 16 again. Hope my advice helps you. God Bless... Prophet7
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