A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a pretty average guy, at least I think. I weigh about 84kg or 185lbs, and I'm about 6ft 1inch or 185cm tall. I've never been made fun of for being ugly or anything. I'm 21 and stay in pretty good shape by working out most days of the week. I'm pretty shy, my friends call me an introvert, but not too shy once people know me. I get good grades, work hard, and don't really party or anything.The thing I'm wondering is, why don't girls ever notice me? When I buy groceries, the cashiers never look at me or smile at me. On the bus, girls never look at me. The only time I ever get to know girls is if I've been around them for a long time. No one ever notices me though. I want to meet new people, and different girls. I want to meet girls with personalities like mine, but I never meet new girls. It's gotten to the point where I kind of feel like a ghost when I'm at the university campus, or doing my daily stuff. Should I randomly approach girls and cleverly start conversations with them like some random creeper?I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably just not an attractive man. I know I'm not Brad Pitt, but I'm not really ugly either. All of this isolation every day is starting to make me pretty bitter. When I'm sitting there all alone, and I see some guy wearing a body warmer, stupid hair cut, earings, and probably some gay tattoo, and he's getting a bunch of attention from the girls, I cannot help but want to murder him. I then end up alone again, studying, working, exercising. It's getting to the point where I'm going to explode from boredom, jealousy, and loneliness.Anyone have any advice? University is supposed to be a time to meet women and people, but I am meeting no one. Should I just wait until I'm older and maybe things will change?
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jealous, notice me, shy, tattoo, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, iicandyxoxo  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Do you think maybe the girls that see you actually like you?.
But are in your position?.
Maybe they are thinking the same as you?.
Maybe if you see a girl at school you like go up to her and talk?.
Because what if she thinks i don't want to walk up to that guy I am scared.
What if he thinks i am a weirdo.
So just walk up to a girl and start a convo.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 January 2011):
 I think maybe you read in the wrong way the suggestion about dressing nice....You seem to think that anything that concerns appearance is shallow. In fact, mind body and spirit are not so easily separable- it's a whole package in which any of the elements speaks about the others.
All the physical objects you own ,you buy, you chose, tell a story about you , and not only about your financial means. The books you read, the music you listen to, the foods you prefer - they are all "hints", "signs ", pieces of that complex puzzle that 's a human personality. Same with clothes - clothes are what in semiotic is called a system of signs.
Your clothes do not define you ,unless, I agree, for extremely shallow people... yet they describe you - they tell your story- or , the story that you want people to see.
So, what 's your story. You try to fit in,... you dress good enough to blend in. Ah but that's the point. Your story, psychologically and fashionwise, is " I don't want to stand out. I don't have the confidence to stand out. I am just ...non descript , I do not aspire to express myself , my authenticity, my very own quirks and tastes . What was good for my dad is good for me, I am not adventurous or spontaneous, I stay in my comfort zone ". And so on and so forth.
Of course that's just an example- different social and age groups may read the "signs " in different way. Just to say that appearence is a function of essence, and viceversa .... and explains why guys who wear socks with sandals never get laid. A pair of socks is never just only a pair of socks :)
I realize that my interest for the philosophy of fashion ( which, believe it or not, I did study in college, but then again, it was an Italian college,LOL ) won't help you a lot, in fact thanks for reading patiently so far. So I'd like to add a hopefully more useful comment :
- you sound bitter because you don't get the attention you want , but maybe you don't get the attention you want because you are bitter. There 's a lot of negativity in your posts : you dislike homosexual, metrosexual, this feminine society, women are shallow and superficial, girls
would be creeped out if you approach them.... Relax, don't go around sending out vibes of frustration and defensiveness and woe is me.
You CAN start conversation with girls, why not. If you don't do that on campus, where do you want to do it ?? Just smile, be friendly , polite, approachable ,non judgemental. Do not consider any girl only as date material , - try making friends first , with new girls AND guys ( ok, not the metrosexual ones :). Once you became more confident in your social skills, and can shed a bit of this " me against them " attitude, - turning on the charm will be a cinch,I promise you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): Maybe girls don't see confidence in you..you know CONFIDENCE MAKES A MAN SEXY..all girls certainly go crazy to guys who are confident even if there not that handsome..
you know,people have this some kind of ability to tell or say if that person is confident or not merely by just looking at them,and confident guys attracts girls..so i think you better do something about your confidence..
hmm aside from that confidence thing,try to wear clothes that really fits you,i mean clothes that perfectly fits your body and complexion,and remember,wear clothes neatly,girls will love that..also use perfume with really good scents..hmm that could also help in getting someone's attention :)..hope this will help you
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been doing a lot of gay things to come out of my comfort zone, including good hair cut, clothes, etc. The more I do it, the more I hate myself, but trust me I've been doing it. Maybe not to the extent of a flamboyant peacock, but I've tried to give myself some decent style.
You have to understand, that being a man, and not being a homosexual in any way, or metro-sexual, it is very hard to put so much effort into dressing up. Not to mention it is expensive, vain, and a complete waste of money. Style and worrying about the way we look only exists for corporate profit. A 1m^2 piece of cotton can sell for $100 if cut the right way... Dressing up and being fashionable goes against guy code. I'm tired of living in this feminine culture. Guys didn't used to have to dress in tight fitted shirts and get metro-sexual haircuts from the hairdresser. We used to go to the barber and wear manly things. I was raised that way too by my dad, but have been changing to try and fit in with university culture.
Yes, it is very vain but I'm doing it. I always thought that clothes didn't matter that much to girls, but considering the number of responses, I guess girls like a shallow man. Sorry if I sound pessimistic. Thank you for your answers, just please stop suggesting I change my clothes cause I don't think that will magically transform me.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (19 January 2011):
 hi
for me personally its a man's haircut that i notice, obviously that's not a consideration when looking for a relationship, but its something that gets you that first initial look from a girl, like male birds being the ones with the nice plumage!
i noticed in your post you mentioned guys with stupid haircuts - not so stupid if they are the ones getting all the attention! maybe you could and take a trip to the hairdressers for something a bit different, come out of your comfort zone? also you said that you wear clothes that blend in, it seems like you are afraid to stand out but then you are complaining that girls don't notice you. you could try wearing a bit of a different style, even just by adding one item of clothing that is less ordinary than what your wear now, doesn't have to be anything too outlandish or silly looking, you still need to feel comfortable(ish)
if you are bored with how your life is, do something about it, you sound as if you just look like an ordinary-joe, but as you know, there is too much competition for you to be able to just sit on your arse, blending in with the back ground :)
i know my advice sounds shallow, but this is the stuff that will get you that first initial glance from a girl, you will then smile at her and depending on your mood and/or hers there is a good change you will get chatting, and then the rest is up to you; your opportunity to let your personality shine
xx
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female
reader, petina1 +, writes (19 January 2011):
 I still don't think you should give up home you are still very young in the dating game.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks but that takes into account people who have been in relationships and are now single. I have been single pretty much my whole life.
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female
reader, petina1 +, writes (16 January 2011):
Your not on your own, there's plenty of time. In England there's more single people living on their own, than married couples. I read that in a survey. So You are amongst the majority. Just a thought to make you feel better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses, everything you guys said seems so positive. For the people who suggested I should dress well and groom myself, I assure you that I spend a lot of time on that stuff. I have a good short haircut, and I'm always clean shaven, groomed, showered, teeth brushed, etc. I also wear decent clothes I think, not the most stylish, but good enough to blend in.
As for what I want to achieve, I just want to find someone to be with who I really like, and who likes me more.
I haven't randomly asked a girl out at uni. I approached a few girls in clubs and stuff, got friendly rejected a few times, had a nice convo with one but never saw her again, and kissed a girl but never saw her again either.
Also, I've had girlfriends before but never a long relationship.
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female
reader, golddigger99  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 First of all, nothing is wrong with you. Women don't stare at guys the way guys stare at women. We simply do not care for that sort of thing. Women tend to care for a deeper attraction, when a guy is compatible with their morals and career goals. If you are head strong and goal oriented, then you will have no problem in the future!
If you are wanting to find a companion now, then there are a few things that you could try to catch some attention and fit in a bit more, although I believe you are fine the way you are now. But try matching your clothes for one. I know this sounds stupid, but women much rather date someone who seems to have his clothes in order because it gives them a sign of organization. You can also try grooming yourself. Keep your hair freshly cut, your facial hair groomed nicely, and your ears and nose trimmed too! Nothing turns a girl off more than some stray hairs where everyone can see them! Consider being involved in some college activies. Nothing says that your willing to have fun like joining a neat afterschool activity. Not only will you meet more women this way, but you will have more in common with them and eventually grow more comfortable with them too! And lastly, don't stress to much. Good grades and a right head on your shoulders would get you further than any clothes or shoes could get you. Good Luck!!!
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female
reader, Saamm +, writes (15 January 2011):
Just keep being yourself you don’t have to change in order to get girls because then you’ll just be a fake. But you do have to be a little more out going (nothing crazy or anything like that just be your self )I use to feel the same and didn’t have my first bf till I was 18 and I was fine. Something that helped a lot was to get in social groups at school and at church there you can get involved and have more of a social life.
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female
reader, pink90 +, writes (15 January 2011):
 There is nothing wrong with you. I am a 2nd year university student and to be honest I don't get noticed either.( I onli seem to attract the attention of male teachers rather than guys my age)
like you I work hard and get my grades but its not enough. But just because girls don't notice you it doesn't mean your unattractive, they are obviously not looking hard enough.
To get to know more girls talk to them in your lectures or tutorials... that is the best place to meet new people :)
Don't let it get you down, one day you will meet the perfect girl, you don't need to rush it...!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): Have you actually asked a girl out?
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female
reader, Mio  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 hello petinal, and nice warm for the author,
well even he said hes shy but i dont think so, he knows his values as he described it :)
i wonder why this happens actually lol, well im agreed with him that university is time to meet and date, and i do wonder why his girls dont get attract to him, :) i myself think there are 2 theories,
1) hes so good-looking and nice man that girls thought hes already has girffriend
2) he plays safe and friendly towards everyone that they thought he doesnt want a relationship right now or too occupy with his work to pay attention to him
3) they are shy or trying to get his attention by ignore him ( less likely to happen, anyway just list it)
4) those girls are idiots not to recognized the way he is (sorry anyone involved,lol)
well, thats just my theories, as for myself, lol i ask myself the same thing but i knew the reasons already.
i hope u enjoy ur day
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): yeah, first, you probably (correct me if am wrong) never had a girlfriend before right? maybe in high school you didn't care as much, thinking that one day a girl you like will approach you...and now you are in college and start to feel a bit left out. girl might come to you, but it doesn't usually work that way, except if you are really that girl's type. my advice is that you cannot just hope. you cannot just wait. try something else. you say you work out everyday. how bout go join a sport club or something at ur college so you can make more friends. yeah i know its easy for me to say but it shouldn't be that hard for you to do, is it? the main problem is that i don't know what you are really trying to achieve. Is it popularity that you want? or just to find the right girl?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): Approach women pal. Just say hi... youd be surprised what that can lead into lol. If they brush you off, forget them. Women like men to initiate usually and that includes convo. Ive done a few drastic things in public that have gotten women's attention, but I wouldnt recommend doing that or anything else seemingly crazy as women dont like attention seekers. Head to clubs, pubs, and even your school and try to initiate for the next month or so. Make that a goal and just see how many convos you can initiate and if things feel good with a gal or two...make it goal to further get to know'em. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): First, you are only 21. Second, you are doing very well with your grades and you are decent, which makes you a top 5% catch. Third, women are not men. We (I am a woman) keep to ourselves most of our thoughts. We do not stare at men and very often do not even look at men. We do not want to be accosted. Who knows if a good guys is just another creep or a stalker. Just because female strangers do not look at you, you should not jump to any conclusion about your attractiveness. Finally, the women you need to be with do not really care about men's physical attractiveness as much as the world around you might make you believe. I am older than you by a few years, but I am seriously seeking men who can match my eduational and career qualifications and my values and is not "some guy wearing a body warmer, stupid hair cut, earings, and probably some gay tattoo" and is not obese or unnecessarily aggressive. I am sure you will find your girl. For now, I think you should focus on the foundation for your life.
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (15 January 2011):
I would say youre not on your own with these feelings. Some people are a bit shyer than others and confidence is all you need which should develop naturally as you learn more and follow your ambitions in life. Have a look at your dress sense and see what the other 'normal' guys are wearing , fashion things, I don't mean to go in looking like a 'goth' but y ou would get the attention there if you did, but you really don't want gothic girlfriends do yu?. Isn't there any friends who are a bit more outgoing that you could latch on to , b ecause sooner or later you will be noticed within a certain crowd. Girls like clean men, who smell nice, so keep up with the personal hygene and clean clothes and smile at someone first instead of waiting for them to make the first move. I would say that your confidence will grow, but you probably won't believe me yet.
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