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male
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*okitoki@xtra.co.nz
writes: I have been in a relationship for over 3 years and my partner has said to me that she has felt sex outside of marriage has been difficult. Dave's my name and I have said that I would choose abstinence (no sexual contact). If this is going to work or not I don't know, but I love this girl so much I'd do anything that is right. Am I doing the right thing here? We are seeking our own counselling ourselves. I do want to work with this issue at hand, but she doesn't know if she wants to marry. But how do you get around the sexual intamacy without being guilty? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2005): Maybe she needs to talk to someone on her own to work through whats going on with her..if you love her then be patient with her because she obviously has some issues when it comes to this situation.
A
female
reader, xixi +, writes (12 October 2005):
Dear David, I suppose first of all is that you should always respect your partner's comfort zone with respect to sexual contact, whether it's for religious or personal reasons. And it seems that you are, so that's good!
The second part about whether or not she wants to marry you at all, is more difficult to address. One possible reason is that she's not so sure if she's completely in love with you. Even though you're ready to marry her, perhaps she's not so sure about how much she really loves you and she may be afraid to tell you the truth because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. She may care very much about you, and may really enjoy your company, but she may not feel lasting, long-term love for you.
Or, it could be that she has always felt a fear of long-term committment due to problems with men in her past, or unresolved psychological issues buried deep in her subconscious about her father or other father-figures while she was very young. Some women, who have been abused or molested by men when they were young children, have trouble enjoying sexual intimacy with men when they're adults.
So it's good that both you are attending professional counseling. Sexual abuse or molestation can be extremely difficult to talk about, and many people go through denial that it ever happened.
Alternatively, if her childhood was perfectly normal and healthy, then perhaps she's still too young to really know herself and what she wants out of life. I don't know how many boyfriends she had in the past, but if she's only had a few and she's still in her early 20's, then she may just need some time to figure herself out.
Think carefully about how happy each of you really are in the relationship. How often do you argue? Are you able to resolve conflict quickly and without hurting each other's feelings? How well do you know her family history and how she gets along with other people? Are you both happier people now in the relationship than when you were on your own? Is she going through any other difficult situations right now?
Sometimes people will cling to a relationship because they think it's too painful to be on your own and won't find someone just as good or better. I'm very sorry to say that it doesn't sound like she's really sure about her feelings towards you. Or it may be that she's not sure about her feelings about having a long-term relationship with men in general. In any case, you both need to closely examine your feelings towards one another, and find out exactly what she's afraid of happening if she got married to you. After 3 years of being together, you both deserve some answers.
You may also want to suggest breaking things off for now, and casually date other people to try to figure out if what you have is for real. Some people I know have had to do that, and one couple ended up getting married recently after spending several years apart and dating other people.
Good luck to you! I hope you will find your answers soon.
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female
reader, AuntieChrissy +, writes (12 October 2005):
If you mean you feel guilty about not having sex, why? If you think that you can have a good relationship with her without having sex, and that is what she wants, why not? After you have been together for a while, she may change her mind.Whatever happens, good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2005): One evening the two of you sit down and just talk about your wedding.Ask her if its still on and check every things alright.If she disides not to marry you talk it out and see about giving it more time.
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A
female
reader, Stewart Terrace +, writes (12 October 2005):
Hi Dave i think you are doing the right thing wait for her she will respect you. I glad that you are seeking counselling and getting help. But you have to respect her wishes if she loves you and you say you love her then wait if there is no marrage at least you are haveing a loveing relationship as we all say better to have love lost to have never loved at all .
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2005): I think guilt is a natural feeling in some cultures or with some beliefs as sex, particuarly before marriage is seen as bad or a dirty thing. This isnt the case at all and you shouldnt feel guilty about feelings or activities which are perectly nattural.
I had a similar situation but because I didnt agree to choose absitinence the relationship ended when I had an affair!
I would take a long look at the relatiionship and ask yourself is no sex going to make you unhappy or can you live with that at the moment. If yes no problem. Sometimes the marriage thing needs time to develop and there is never a need to rush these things.
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