A
female
age
51-59,
*anechinese
writes:I am 38,my husband 46, we both has a daughter from previous marriage, 15 and 13. Now I am pregnant, but my husband does not want the baby. He wants me to do abortion. what I should do? He even wants to divorce! Help!
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female
reader, phoebe2 +, writes (11 November 2011):
I had an abortion through my husbands request and 5 months later he found out he had a kid from someone else and took her in. our marrige became to fall apart. and one day I was three months pregnamt and he told me that he didn't loveme anymore. after we had spent christmas separate. he with his new daughter and son and Dad and Brother and me with my Family. so I hid out until the divorce was final and had a wonderful healthy baby girl. that he doesnt know about. I don't need to feel like I am the third wheel any more and neither should you babys need a loving family and if there is always going to be a fight then maybe he isn't your soulmate.
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (15 October 2009):
 Sounds good xxxxxxxxxx
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female
reader, janechinese +, writes (13 October 2009):
janechinese is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi all again, I should add one thing here to my last post that my husband changed his mind, not only because all the posts here, but also he has a good heart. I am sure he does not want to hurt me or the baby, he just felt too much pressure to start all over again. I feel bad that I put him in this position. Now he accept this pressure and support me, I feel I am very lucky.
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male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (13 October 2009):
I am so glad we could help you. congratulations to both of you.
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female
reader, janechinese +, writes (13 October 2009):
janechinese is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all, many thanks for your input here, my husband checked all the posts here, and felt bad about what people critized, finally he changed his mind, we are going to have this baby!!!Thank you all!
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male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (12 October 2009):
No, no, no,no, and again I say NO!!!
I can cerytianly accept the truth of the matter that this guy is being a compete ad total prick over the whole ordel. However, for the record I would like to make one thing very clear.
If you divorce, and have the baby, LEAVE HIM ALONE. Do not go after him of even a single red cent of child support.
This man, asshat though he may be, has made his position clear from day one. He does NOT want to be a father again. The two of you were discussing divorce before the pregnancy, and were still having sex (thus the pregnancey). Thus, I have to conclude that this is typical of such a situation, in that emotions run high, and both of you are confused, huret, and trying to muddle through as best you can.
That means he is hurt and cinfused too. He may be reacting to it very badly, and treating her like crap in the process, but that is not the point here.
The point is, he made it quite clear from day one that he does not wat to be a father again.
OK, so the "final decision" of whether or not to have an aborion is "all her's". Fine. Leave all of the rights of the man who is being told he's about to be a father on the doorstep, and forfiet them to her. Great.
Then, to add insult to injury, now that you've stripped him of having any say as to whether or not he's a father all over again at his age, you're going to strip him of any right to decide how his financial future plans out for the next 18 years? I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO!
The fact remains that the final call may be hers as to whether or not to have the abortion, however, if she decides to completely ignore his right to have input into the decision, then she should cut him loose. He doesn't want the emotional, psychological, or financial obligations that come with being a father. Don't bother panning it all off on money, the guy already has a duaghter, and understands that there is a great deal more to becomong a father than money. Being a father myself, I will argue to the ends of the earth anyone who says that he has no emotional or psychological ramifications, even should he be moron enough to decide not to be involved with the child's life (and he would have to be a real idiot to make that mistake IMO).
Therefore, being vested in the decision as to whether or not he is to be a father of a new life, he has a right to have a say in how that decision is made, and influence the final outcome. If that right is going to be infringed or marginilized because it's her body that is carrying the child (I do recognize the greater gravity of her claim because of this)then she should give him at least the freedom to not be unduly burdened by the ramifications of her decision to go directly against his own will concerning that decision. If she decides to override his desires on the having the child in the first place front, she has no buisiness of any sort forcing him to further subjugate any right to make a decision as to the rest of his life.
As I said, I am a father (three wonderful boys, 5, 7, 9) and have been happily married for almost 10 years (followed by eight months thus far of stark hell after I found her sleeping with my sister's husband). As much as for any other reason, I am learning to forgive my wife because I want my children both to grow up in a loving, whole home, where their parents love and trust one another, and because I want them to see the example of a loving and forgiving man who realizes that true strength comes from within.
I say all of that so you can realize I am not som scovanistic freak, but a thoughtful, intelligent, modern man who has seen the encroachment of a movement that once was about equality over their own bounds and is now quietly about domination. Having the baby against the father's will, and then sticking him with child support for 18 years on top of that is nothing more than sexual descrimination. It is the forceful subjigation of his rights to satisfy her desires.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (11 October 2009):
Of course you will expect him to pay child maintenance. He could also have the joy of bringing the child up full time too! His choice. Yours is if you want to bring a child up on your own if he has made his choice to leave. x
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female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (11 October 2009):
 By him saying you will look for him for the child support, you should really tell him of course you will. It is the least he can do. Seeing as he is happily foirfeting all other aspects.
Congratualtions on becoming a mother again. Seeing as you wish to keep the baby, I think by being happy is the best revenge.
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male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (10 October 2009):
Having a kid later in life is not the end of the world. I dont have any kids but I know it take a lot to raise one. He married you and that means he chose to live life with you whatever it may bring. I hope you will love that child and I think you will find a man who really wants to live life with you. god bless you
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male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (10 October 2009):
having a kid later in life is not the end of the world. I dnt have any kids but I know it take a lot to raise one. he married you and that means he chose to live life with you wutever it may bring. I hope you will love that child and I think you will find a man who really wants to live life with you. god bless you
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female
reader, janechinese +, writes (10 October 2009):
janechinese is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all, he is still mad, and frustrated. I told him if he does not want the responsibility, I will raise the baby myself. He said I will chase him for the next 20 years for the child support... I guess he is not emotionly married me like what (Heartbroken in love) said below. I guess I should leave him.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (10 October 2009):
I believe if people wait until they can actually 'afford' a child, they will never have one! x
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female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (10 October 2009):
The decision is purely yours to make my dear. You need to weight out your options and make practical decisions as i am sure you are.
You need to take into account
1.support - who will help you raise this child as I am sure your husband will not be much help if he does go through with divorce. Mother or other family relatives who could possibly watch your child as you work?
2.finances - If he does divorce you, you will need to take into account all the money it will require for your daughter, a new baby and yourself.
3.Time - You need to consider if you will be able to give this child the time it requires. No child ultimately likes sharing parents to a job and seeing as you will have this child when you are 38, are you alright with being 58 to 60 before they are off to college? Or out of the house?
4.Your own personal feelings - How do you feel about being a mother to a new life? Do you feel up to the task? Do you have the energy and do you think you can provide the love this child requires? You have been a mother once before and you know what it will be like. Do you want to do it again?
5.Your marriage - personally I kinda figured your relationship with your husband was shaky by the fact that he so quickly threatened divorce. A loving couple would have no issue discussing this matter without the threat of divorce. Do you want to be with this man? Can you be with someone who is trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing something you are not even sure you want to do? Is this relationship worth saving? I know he may be acting like a selfish dick right now, but I am sure when you married him that was not what you saw. Can you talk to him about your feelings? Is he willing to listen to you? Can you raise a child with him? Do you want to raise a child with him.
By all means I am not asking you to answer this things on the forum, but really things to just ask yourself and maybe might help.
HonningKanin
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female
reader, janechinese +, writes (10 October 2009):
janechinese is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have not taken any birth control for 4 years, he knows I want baby, but we tried for few years, I could not get pregnant, then he told me it is God's will, that we can't have a baby together. Probabily he felt I could not get pregnant, so he didn't prepare to face this result.
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female
reader, janechinese +, writes (10 October 2009):
janechinese is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, thank you for all your words here. I know it is not easy to raise a baby, money and also a lot of time. From bottom of my heart, I feel a little bit hesitation: am I able to give a good enviorment to this baby,or is my life going to be extremely difficult if I decide to have this baby? My salary is not enough for three of us, even he can support some money(I don't think he could, because he has been paying his child support to his ex for more than 10 years and his daughter is only 15 now), for a moment I feel I should do abortion, because I don't want to force him to raise our baby unwillingly, but when I think about there are lot of poor people in this world they still have their babies, just give them what you can, why not me?
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (10 October 2009):
Empty -1, we aren't dealing with the reverse. Her situation is her husband holding the "do it or I will divorce you" card. That is a selfish on a purely different level as well as controling. I am bashing him because he is being an asshat to her.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (9 October 2009):
What Uncle Phil said!
Right or wrong, as a female, you still hold all the cards when it comes to this decision x
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male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (9 October 2009):
so he dsnt want this baby becuz he wants to retire early? well to me that is not a good enough excuse. just remember how it feels to hold a small precious child in ur arms. if he is in this marriage with you he shud want to go through it with you. I can't believe he is acting this way. my heart goes out to you tonite
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male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (9 October 2009):
WOAHHH!!!! Hold the press!!
I will be the FIRST person to admit, aknowldge, and agree that the abortion decision is certainly, in the final analysis her decision to make.
But I wonder at all of the quick husband bashing hitting the streets here. She mentioned that he wants her to get an abortion. She did not say that he did so for PURELY selfish reasons. Fact of the matter is, he already has a daughter and a stepdaughter, the long term welfare of both of whom could be weighing heavily in his mind.
Whether or not precautions were taken to try and prevent the pregnancy becomes a very relevant question... Also, how would all of these quick triggered aunts and uncles feel if the situation were reversed? How would they all feel if she were dead set on the abortion, and he were begging her not to kill his baby?
The prospective father has a role to play in this decision. No amount of politically correct pro choice, her first, feminazi propagandist bullshit can take that right away from him.
That being said, I do happen to agree that it SOUNDS like he is being a selfish twit and needs a good clue by four upside the head.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): im rilly sorry about the situation but plz dont git an abortion!! if the guy aint good enuff to stick around and take care of his responsibility than he aint good enuff. but dnt git an abortion its rong!
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (9 October 2009):
 This is truly a terrible situation on your part. No one here can ethically tell you to get an abortion or refrain from getting one.
The decision is purely yours. This is your child, and as you know children can be a wonderful part of your life, or they can be a burden to it. However, your husband should be more supportive of your personal health and your decision whichever way you intend to go.
I am assuming that the child is his child, and therefore, he bears some responsibility in this too.
Selfishness never plays a part in this scenario. I understand from your follow-up that he wants to retire early, and in fact now he's worried about working another 20 years to support this new child.
I think the first thing you want to do is decide whether its feasible to have the child health-wise. In other words, are you healthy enough to bear another child? The second issue of course is whether or not you can give the child the best possible childhood and home through to adulthood.
As far as your husband is concerned, he needs to start thinking about other people than himself. You have two other children in your family, aside from this pregnancy. They too have a stake in this matter, even if your husband chooses to ignore the fact that sooner or later, they too will learn about this.
All the best wishes and hopefully your husband will be more understanding and hopefully more focused on others besides himself.
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female
reader, mint +, writes (9 October 2009):
 Do what your heart is telling you to do, dont go into shock just because he's playing the divorce card...you'll regret it later.
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A
female
reader, janechinese +, writes (9 October 2009):
janechinese is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all! We had fight before my pregnacy, and were planing to divorce, then we decided to stay together and try to work our marriage out. When he learned that I am pregnant, he claims that we don't have money to raise this baby, he wants to retire early, if we have this baby, he will need to work for at least another 20years. I know he is realy selfish. He wanted baby when we got married at beginning, but after 5 years, he does not want any more...I feel very sad
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female
reader, janechinese +, writes (9 October 2009):
janechinese is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all! We had fight before my pregnacy, and were planing to divorce, then we decided to stay together and try to work our marriage out. When he learned that I am pregnant, he claims that we don't have money to raise this baby, he wants to retire early, if we have this baby, he will need to work for at least another 20years. I know he is realy selfish. He wanted baby when we got married at beginning, but after 5 years, he does not want any more...I feel very sad
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male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (9 October 2009):
GET RID OF HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And quick. This man is not even emotionally married to you. Telling you to abort the baby. Please Please Please don't do it if you want to keep this baby. This baby deserves a chance at life. So what did he say "have an abortion or I want a divorce?" If that is exactly what he says tell him to take a hike you will be so glad you did. Please give this baby a chance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): I'd say the best thing would be to abort your husband. He's a selfish prick - like HonningKanin says. tell him to get his check book ready - he's going to need it soon.
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female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (9 October 2009):
Wow. He is a bit of a selfish prick. You can tell him that his threats of divorce are silly, childish and an asinine attempt at emotionally trying to control the situation. Inform him that it takes two people to create a baby and even if you do have the baby and he does divorce you, that that will not absolve him of his fatherly responsibilities.
He will still have to pay child support and he will have to live with the his actions.
Baby's are supposed to be born and raised in a loving environment and to be honest I find his actions very hostile and his reactions very over dramatic. If he is this easily swayed to divorce you, I think your relationship was already rocky. Perhaps the idea of divorce may not be a bad one. Do you really want a man who reacts this way?
You really need to talk to him and find out why exactly he does not want this baby. After talking to him you then need to figure out what it is you want. Whether it be to keep the child or not your husband needs to learn that threating to divorce just to get his way is pointlessly disgusting behaviour and he should know better.
HonningKanin
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