A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im pregnant and when I brush my treeth it triggers me to throw up. Most of the time I manage not to throw up, but I will still caugh a lot. I have tried to not put the toothbrush too far into my mouth, and then I am fine, but wont be able to clean completely. So tonight I got really hurt by my husband, because he chose to just close the bedroom door in addition to the bathroom door being closed. He didnt want to listen to it. When I told him I got hurt by it, he compated me getting sick to when he plays annoying songs on his phone and how I dont like that. Really? My involuntary getting sick and almost throwing up is the same as him playing music on his phone??? He is usually so caring, and I just cant make sense of how he can just close the door on me being sick. It makes me feel like I disgust him. Its not like I do this on purpose! Im easily sick because Im pregnant with his child! So now Im just sad and feel confused about wether he actually cares or just finds me and the pregnancy bothersome and disgusting. How can I interpret his actions and words and not get hurt by it? Or is he just being selfish and only thinking of his own comfort here? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (14 August 2019):
 5 months sounds awful. I do hope everything else is looking good.
I have to tell you that it is so hard here to find posters who actually follow up and interact with us, that we do tend to swarm you. So we are happy for any interaction. Even the ones that tell us we got it wrong.
Anyway, be healthy, and pop in with any more news.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am surprised people are still replying to this even though hubby has apologized long time ago and gotten involved. What I dont get is how none of you are able to understand what I asked about... I was wondering how to not get hurt by his action, and yes, you all explained it by my hormones. Fair enough, but none of you cared about his comment/comparison to this being done by me on purpose. Also I did not say I want him in the bathroom or even listening to me. There are many ways to get involved, and together we have agreed to try out different techniques to avoid me gagging. Unfortunately they do not work. I dont brush like some of you suggest, I am careful. Yet it still happens. I discovered even just a bit of water too far into my mouth while brushing causes this to happen. So I try to brush with my head tilted down to see if that helps.
The guy who posted saying Im not really sick because I dont vomit each time? Yeah, I would like you to experience this every day for 5 months and then see if you dont change your mind. You really have no idea how unpleasant it is to gag, get nausceous and not being able to stop couching and gagging for several minutes at a time, not knowing if there will be vomit or not. Its exactly like vomiting to me, except I dont have to taste it all the time. The only reason I tried to explain this over and over is because so many commented that this will pass because they thought it was «morning sickness». I have already been through that, so no, this looks like its about to stay for the whole pregnancy.
Husband does not get sick by listening to this. He said he just feels bad for me and sad that he cant help me, which is why he didnt want to listen to it (even though the bathroom door was already closed, mind you).
I dont know if that cleared up any of your misunderstandings, but anyway the matter has already been dealt with and is over long time ago. Thank you to those who tried to help. To those who just didnt get it and yet felt a need to assume and comment... Well I guess thats what you can expect when asking online.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 August 2019):
 I think too that you are ( over )reacting this way just because right now your hormones are all over the place to make you more emotionally vulnerable .And this is no way as condescending as it may sound, because I know exactly what you are talking about , having had a very bad pregnancy from the sickness point of view .My gag reflex could be activated by... anything, basically. Not only by smells but even by sounds or sights , and this is a contant drag not only on your pysical wellbeing but somewhat on your mental lucidity too .
But I think you should maybe take the whole " let's share the pregnancy experience" in a less literal and , pardon me, less petty way. Common sense does apply also when you are ill, sick, or pregnant. Let's say that when you exchanged vows, you promised to be there " in sickness and in health " , but it's the spirit of the promise that counts, not the menial details. I mean, suppose that your husband eats something that does not agree with him and gets a bad case of the runs . IMO you are not betraying your vows if , while he is sitting on the toilet, you do NOT physically stay there to inhale the foul smells and listen to his farts and grunts and watch him crap in his underwear ( pardon me everybody for the graphic description ). Well, if he gets cholera and you are in the jungle and nobody else can help him, yes of course you would have to be very hands- on in this type of situation- but, as long as he is physically able to take care of business by himself... yes, defend his privacy and dignity by closing the bathroom door and distancing yourself from the noise , as long of course you are still reachable in case there's a real emergency.
Does it mean that you love your husband less or you care less if you don't want a first row seat to watch his dhyarrea bouts ? Of course not. You love him AND you understand that there are moments and situations when you both benefit from having some space .
As other posters have said, maybe your husband has sympathetic gagging and he retches immediately when he hears people retching , and, honestly, wanting him to retch too just because you do, is not the most loving gesture ever. Or maybe , you don't have a problem with being heard vomiting, gagging etc. but tons of women do !, who knows maybe he shut the door just to save you from feeling embarassed .
In short : cut him some slack. If he is generally caring, loving, supportive , does it really matters if he just does not like to hear people gagging and clearing their throats ? It's not that he is being weird for that !, MOST people does not want to hear this kind of noises if they don't necessarily HAVE to.
On a side note, I googled "how to clean your teeth without using a toothbrush " and a long list of suggestions and alternative methods came out. You might want to give those a try ? After all, the toothbrush as we know it and use it was only patented toward the end of 19h century and only became a normal househole item at the beginning of 20th century- but even before people cleaned their teeth and no, not everybody had bad, rotten teeth, in fact probably in average they had healthier, stronger teeth than now.
Also, if you want to use a toothbrush, maybe the trick could be just being less forceful, more delicate ? A " gag and cough " reflex is generally triggered when you hit the back of the tongue or the uvula, the tonsils, the back of the throat... I mean, you are just brushing your teeth, you don't need to be so energetic :)
Good luck and best wishes. This too shall pas.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2019): Boy, is life gonna get difficult if you carry on LOOKING for faults, you are going to have a wonderful new creation very soon, a human being who you are entrusted to nurture into the next generation. Stop winging about petty things, he does not need to hear you puke and to take offence at this is bordering on obsessive. You may want him to get used to vomit and nappies when baby arrives but up to press it sounds like he's already dealing with one. Grow up his type of music might not be nursery rhymes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2019): OP, you are way over reacting to what you husband did. Pregnant or not, who wants to listen to another person gagging? The fact that you say that you usually are not actually being sick, means that he is not failing to show compassion toward you. As far as being frozen out, did he lock any doors, so that you were unable to get into the bedroom, after you exited the bathroom? If you are using a standard toothbrush, perhaps your zeal to get clean teeth is causing you to overshoot your back teeth, thus triggering your gag reflex. I would suggest that you try a battery operated toothbrush, with a round brushhead, that would not require you to thrust the brush back and forth, so that you are able to control the brush easier. Also was your husband trying to sleep? Hear the radio or tv? Talk on the phone? If you were having morning sickness, I would view it differently, in your favor, but you say that you are already past that point in your pregnancy, so try to overlook these minor offenses. May the baby be healthy!
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 August 2019):
OK so you want him to be involved in vomiting. In 30+ years I have never asked my wife to be involved in vomiting, or defecating for that matter. You are certainly going too far.
Now if he was my dad and he was listening to vomiting, you would have to slide over and share the toilet because he had the touchiest sympathetic vomit I've ever met.
You seem to be on the path to solving this and I do hope for both of you that the morning sickness passes soon.
I've only shared 4 pregnancies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer what I want him to do: accept that this is part of the pregnancy too and that he cant just pick and choose and only be involved in the good parts. Which to me just means accept that there will be some unpleasant noises. So not go out of his way to block it out. I also have to listen to these noises and go through the experience... He apologized today for comparing it to when he plays music I dont like, he also took back that he thinks I do this on purpose. Yes I do brush my teeth on purpose, but of course have no pleasure from getting sick. And throwing up just goes against the whole point of brushing, so of course this isnt voluntarily...! We talked it out and I know I react more strongly because of hormones. We are just going to try and find some ways for me to clean my teeth without triggering the gag reflex.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 August 2019):
What exactly do you want him to do?
Maybe this anecdote will help you take a lighter view of this. Out oldest daughter was almost 3 when My wife was in the first trimester of our second daughters pregnancy. She wanted to be like mommy and do everything mommy did. One morning my wife and I were in the kitchen talking over breakfast when we heard a series of very strange noises from the bathroom. Our Daughter appeared at the door and proudly announced, "I threw up". We just cracked up. it is to this day our favorite pregnancy memory.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (11 August 2019):
 I understand you are pregnant and feel your boyfriend should be showing you total support. However, I do feel you are blowing this WAY out of proportion.
Your second post states you are not even actually being sick, despite giving that impression in the first post. You are coughing. What do you expect him to do because you are retching and coughing? I know how horrible it can feel (I have a very powerful gag reflex which I can trigger when brushing my back teeth). However, there it is just that: a gag reflex which causes involuntary stomach spasm and retching. It's unpleasant but it passes. I certainly wouldn't expect someone to stand with me while it happens.
I think you are possibly taking this whole "mutual support" thing a bit too literally. I assume he is there for you in all other ways as you state he "is usually so caring". He closes the door on you on one occasion and suddenly this changes to you being "just sad and feel confused about wether he actually cares". If that is his only "sin" during your pregnancy, he is a great guy.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (11 August 2019):
 Men do not understand AT ALL what it is like to be pregnant or all the changes that we go through and yes at times they can seem to be rather uncaring. I was very ill both of my pregnancies and it just seemed like any smell could trigger me and I'd be running to the bathroom. Many times I was like you and didn't actually throw up but was gagging.
I don't know your husband but there could be several reasons why he acted the way he did. Maybe it triggers him when he hears the sounds you make and he feels he is going to throw up? Maybe he feels uncomfortable because he can't help you? Some people really can't stand to hear others sick and they almost freak out.
I would suggest that you try talking to him and explain to him that his reaction has hurt you and you are feeling isolated and cant understand why he acted the way he did. Ask him to please explain his actions. My sister's husband used to actually stand in the bathroom with her when she was ill and pull her hair back and bathe her face with a wet washtowel but let me tell you, her husband was far and inbetween! Most men are not about to be around you when you are ill!
Don't be offended but as the other aunts have pointed out, when you are pregnant your hormones are in over drive and you truly are very sensitive and emotional and any little action can become far more than what it really is.
Talk to your husband though. It won't hurt to try. I mean you are supposed to be in this together but keep in mind that he just may not wish to be around you if he thinks you are sick.
Good luck sweetie..hang in there. Morning sickness NORMALLY does settle down about the 4th month. I hope it does for you as well. It seems to go on forever though doesn't it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for answering. But you both misunderstand a bit. It is not morning sickness, I dont throw up (99% of the time I just cough a lot). But I feel like Im about to. Im past the months were smell and certain foods made me feel sick, even then I would not actually throw up, just be very close to. But I guess maybe it sounds similar to him. It would still have been nicer of him to not compare it to when he plays music I dont like. I cant help it, and it only happens because of being pregnant, which we both wanted. It sucks for me to get sick, so why should I be going through it alone and be «frozen out»?
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (11 August 2019):
 Ahhh...the joys of being pregnant. I feel you are being a little sensitive and your hormones are kicking in. The craziest things set you off and you find yourself with heightened emotions. I remember every time a particular ad came on TV I would burst into tears listening to the sweet little jingle and watching the cute little duck frolic through a pile of tissues.What the......? back to your issue, If I get the slightest hint of someone being sick I too feel like barfing myself. I just cant handle it. However, if I were in the same position as you I'd prefer to have my privacy. Maybe thats a reason for him closing the door also. Dont be too hard on him, if this is your first time being pregnant it's a learning curve for him also.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 August 2019):
 I think it's honestly a twofold thing.
1. he is a bit scared of the whole baby & being daddy thing.
2. He is ANNOYED that your morning sickness is something he can't fix.
And... I think you are a little oversensitive. Personally, I can't stand when people throw up, even my own kids. It makes ME vomit too. Now I will do my best to hold their hair out of the way, but two people throwing up is rarely better than one.
You are also reading more into this than it really it.
If you are a LOUD puker, it's REALLY not something ANYONE (even your husband) wants to listen to, let's be honest.
And... maybe you are also (perhaps) making a bit of a "production" out of the sickness?
Morning sickness happens. I had it with 1 out of 3 pregnancies. Being OVER sensitive to smells was worse for me, especially raw meat.
Have some ginger ale (soda) Or flat Sprite/Seven UP and some low salt/sodium crackers handy when you feel queasy, it can help.
You are JUST pregnant, and puking is one of the "side effects" that CAN happen. Hopefully, you won't have the entire pregnancy.
Cut him a little slack.
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