A
female
age
30-35,
*m9hi
writes:I fell in love with someone from work and now iv got my heart broken and i dont know how to deal with this. There is no way to tell this story that paints me in a good light, and im aware of that, and i guess whats happened to me is Karma for being a terrible person. Iv been with my partner for 10 years. We had a great relationship, and decided to try for a baby, it took us over 3 years, which added massive strain onto our relationship but it finally happened and we have the most perfect daughter together. After her birth our relationship changed, every factor of it, and i guess over time iv fallen out of love with both myself and my partner. I feel trapped (for lack of a better word) with a two year old and a mortgage together, i feel like this is my life and iv no choice but to stay here. We've slept in separate beds for well over a year now, and at 27 this shouldnt be happening. Anyway, i was having issues at work, that i couldnt talk to me partner about because he would just see instant rage and i dread to think what he would have done. Basically i was being bullied by a man 14 years my senior. He controlled me, belittled me, and made sure i was secluded in work so no one else spoke to me. When he was off, work was great, i got on great with everyone and we had such a laugh, and when he came back, in reverted back into myself and wouldnt speak.One of the guys i work with noticed this, and he began to befriend me. It was simple things to begin with, like talking about subjects he knew i liked to include me, he would go out his way to make me laugh and smile, and give me so much attention. He gave me the courage to stand up to my bully, it wasnt easy and was a long tough road but he got me through it. One night in work we were on a break and were carrying on, we almost kissed but we both pulled back. He messaged me and asked what had happened and said that it was a really strange feeling for him but he had this huge urge to kiss me. A few weeks later, after talking almost everyday outwith work, we did kiss. We were like giggly teenagers with each, but agreed it shouldnt happen again. We played a game, 42 questions to get to know someone, and i told him things even my partner doesnt know about me. He told me he had feelings for me first, he used the L word first, but i tried to fight it. Mostly because i didnt believe him. He was amazing, funny, handsome, kind, caring and confident, and i was me, so why would he be interested? But after some time i started to believe him, and before long i had totally, head over heels, fallen completely in love with him. Like iv never experienced before. It was crazy, i cant explain how he made me feel. The attraction and pull i had towards him was next to nothing. I started to feel too much, i started to get jealous if i seen him like other womens stuff on social media (sad i know) and i took the tough decision to end it. I told him my feelings were too strong and i cant feel the way i do with him. I told him i cant continue to speak to him like i did, because effectively i had to fall out of love with him and get over him. I started doing swift swaps or using annual leave on nights i knew id be working with him, but it seems no matter how many times i tell him, he still messages me. He still tells me he cares and constantly feels the need to check in on me to make sure im ok. Iv explained soo many times that iv been hurt as a result of this, well more than hurt actually, iv broken my own heart. Iv never been hurt before, and i dont know how to deal with it. How do i get over this? The worst of it is, is that not one single person knows. No one knows i cry myself to sleep every night, no one knows im in constant pain and heart ache, no one knows that i feel like my whole life is falling apart and i feel like i cant stop it. So i need to get up everyday and put a brave face on and act normal. I know its not good for me, and i can feel myself breaking more each day, and i honestly dont know how to stop it. I dont even know what my question is here, how do you get over a secret broken heart? How do i fall out of love with someone i dont want to, and still see all the time? How do i look myself in the mirror and not hate everything about me and what iv done?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Saphire_gurl +, writes (10 September 2019):
You’re relationship might not be as magical and fun as they were when you first met. But this is normal. You started off dating as 2 excited teenagers. Real life happened after this. A mortgage. Bills. Daily stresses. Seeing each other’s daily moods swings when you live together. I’m guessing your partner is the same age is you and was therefore tried to settle down at a very very young age for a man and didn’t know what he was doing a lot of the time. Can you try and remember how in love you were when you first met him? Perhaps you can try and do things you two used to do together when you first met that would bring back fun memories. Look at old pics of yourself together. Relationships have their ups and downs. They can be like rollercoasters. It sounds as if you really do want to make this work for the sake of your child. I think your relationship is just going through a ‘low’ patch and you can make this work. At your work place, go to a manager, report the bullying (even if it was a long time ago now), change departments and make a fresh start. Tell your friend at work kindly that you want to focus on your family and partner and then move departments and block him. He’s not as amazing and perfect as you think. If he really was a gentleman he wouldn’t have pursued you knowing you were in a relationship. Because you’re lonely and a bit depressed he just looks ‘amazing’ to you because he’s said a few kind words. I think your loneliness has put you in a very vulnerable position. Have you thought about getting joint counseling for your current relationship? Gud luck x
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (14 August 2019):
First, you don’t deserve to hate yourself. You made a mistake at a bad time in your life when you are feeling low. You won’t be the first and you most certainly won’t be the last. Some self-forgiveness is where you need to start.
The truth is that this guy from work is bad news. Whatever his own feelings, he should have respect for your wishes not to pursue things further with him. Presumably he knows you are already in a relationship and the incredibly difficult position you now find yourself in now that things have gone too far between you. You wanted to feel excitement, desired and appreciated. You wanted that thrilling rush of feeling in love. You aren’t getting any of this from your current relationship. When feelings are that strong, it’s hard to see things clearly, so I commend you for having the sense to break it off with the man from work, however hard.
I think you need to focus your energy now on your current relationship. You can’t go on like this. Feeling trapped is a miserable, lonely experience, and the presence of mortgages and kids doesn’t change that. Is this a relationship you actually want to be in ? If yes, or even if maybe, you need to talk to your partner about how you can fix things together. Why have things changed? Why have you fallen out of love? Why are you both sleeping separately, being unhappy about it yet nothing is changing? What, for you, is missing? And how does he feel? Is he as fed up as you? Do you know?
There can be many reasons why this is happening. Maybe you are both too tired to make time for yourselves. Perhaps life has become boring and routine, but it doesn’t have to. Maybe one or both of you are struggling to adjust to the huge life change of having a child. Being a parent is a truly wonderful experience, but it can still be hard to get used to the ways it changes your life completely.
What I think you need to take away from this is that distraction therapy is a really bad way to deal with your unhappiness. Not only does it fail to work, but it doesn’t sit well with your own morals. That’s why you broke it off with the man from work. Getting over the hurt this has caused will take time, but if you can resolve to switch your focus to thinking about how you might address the issues in your current relationship, you will at least be channelling your wish for things to be better in a productive and useful way.
As an aside, I’d perhaps consider looking for another job. A bully and a love interest that won’t take no for an answer doesn’t make for a happy work life.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2019): You have learned a lesson the hard way. Never get into a relationship with a coworker! Also regarding the ass wipe who was bullying you at work, you should have taken him, and his mistreatment, to the human resources manager, the manager, or the business owner, whichever would have been applicable at your place of employment. You should be thankful that nobody knows that you were involved with the another man, who is not your husband. Just imagine if other coworkers found out that you and a male coworker were carrying on. The bully and other employees would likely gossip, and rat you out to management. OP, you have put yourself into a position that is best to just remove yourself from, by seeking employment elsewhere. That is unfortunate too, because if you cannot work things out with your husband, then you are going to need a good job in order to gain fianancial independence from him. Time will heal your hurting heart, but not until you remove yourself from seeing this guy, daily, at work. Block him too!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (11 August 2019):
 You are only 27. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. You need to decide whether your relationship with your boyfriend is fixable and, if so, go about fixing it. You cannot just ignore the fact that your relationship is like two friends sharing parenting of a child. Just because you have a child and a mortgage together does not mean you have to stay together if your relationship has run its course. Assuming he is the same age as you, you were both very young when you got together and it is possible you have simply outgrown each other. Or possibly the stress of trying for the baby has taken its toll and you have forgotten how to be lovers.
Given the state of your relationship, it is little wonder you were so easily drawn to another man who showed you affection. We all need affection in our lives.
You need to decide whether you want to save your relationship with your boyfriend. If so, then you both need to put in work to make this happen. If one or both of you decide there is no longer anything there for you, you need to split up. Hopefully he will carry on being a hands-on dad to his child.
Once you sort out your home situation, your broken heart will sort itself out.
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