A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 23 and my girlfriend is 20. We found out a couple weeks ago that she is pregnant, and she's ecstatic, I am more reserved. When we found out our reactions were very different, she was happy, I was upset. To cut a long story short she has decided to keep it, but I don't think I'm ready for the responsibility. I have a lot of dreams, specifically of being an actor/director, and having a child will make achieving those dreams extremely hard. I would like to try and make it work between us, but we haven't even been together a year and I'm not entirely sure that she's the one I want to be with forever. I just feel that I have no say in the situation as she refuses to look into adoption. Am I selfish in wanting to pursue my dreams, am I selfish for not being ready for this? She's told me I need to be a man and step up, but isn't being a man also about knowing what your limits are and what your not ready for? Will I be a bad person if I decide to leave her? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): I'm not going to lie to you. It will be hard, but your dreams are not over, they're not over until you're dead and even then it's negotiable. My point is that if you really set your mind to it anything is possible.
You may or may not be with this girl for the rest of your life. Either way you will still have to be a father to your child. You'll be fine.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (7 December 2010):
1) You are not selfish for having your own wants and dreams. Acting and directing are tough fields, but not impossible to get into with persistence. Fortunately, as a guy, you will have an easier time getting auditions and roles as you age if you have the talent.
Sure, the world would be a better place if everyone dropped what they were doing to focus on the kids and family, but then, I don't think there's much societal concensus on where the line between fair responsibility and unfair restrictions lies.
2) Anytime I hear the phrase "Man up," it inevitably prefaces an unreasonable demand that some male sacrifice for someone else. I see it as the equivalent of "Stay in the kitchen." Being a man is many things, one of which is doing what you think is right with what you have on hand, regardless of what others tell you.
Of course, being a man also means, as you've noticed, having zero legal say in your own reproduction. I'm anti-abortion, but at the same time I find it incredibly unfair that women can choose not to be a parent after conception, but that guys will be forced to financially support her if she chooses not to abort, or be unable to prevent her from aborting his offspring. Good on you for taking up the child support willingly, though.
Knowing your limits is fine, but life has a way of making us constantly redefine our limits.
3) You will be called a bad person by many people if you leave. That doesn't necesarily mean you are a bad person. This was not a mutual, explicit decision to have a baby. The fact that she told you to man up, rather than asking you to help, tells me a lot about her (unless I've misinterpreted what you wrote).
The child would benefit most from having a father and mother in its life, but you did not choose this path. Child support is really all anyone can ask of you here. If you choose to take an interest in the kid's life, work out the arrangements now, with speical attention to having the kid stay with you whenever mommy brings home a date (assuming you're not together).
Lastly, get a paternity test before you sign the birth certificate. I suspect she got pregnant "accidentally on purpose," and it's entirely possible the kid's not yours. Reserve judgement one way or another until you get tested, and don't sign anything until then.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): I'm afraid it's too late to be having doubts because, whether you like it or not, you are going to be a father. I'm not going to lecture you about using contraception because it's gone way past that.
You need to plan your future around this baby now and it's not going to be easy. You are not a bad person for being sacred about it or worried about your dreams but abandoning your child is the most selfish thing you could do.
If you don't want to be with the mother of this child then that's one thing be don't punish this baby by not being there as a father.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Im the poster of this question. Maybe I misrepresented myself in this post. By no means will I abandon my responsibilities to the child, if I have to pay child support I will, I will be a part of the childs life. Its just that I don't think either of us is ready for this, especially not her as she has a lot of emotional issues she's working through. One thing that I didn't mention is that she had two abortions from a previous boyfriend who was incredibly emotionally abusive towards her, and that coupled with the abortions took a really bad toll on her. Its because of this that I think she wants to have the baby. Its always been her dream to be a mother, and I understand that, but I'm not ready to be a father. She had been using the nuvaring, the time we had sex was the one day she hadn't replaced it yet. Like I said I am completely aware of my responsibility and will fulfill my responsibility to the child, but I just feel that I have no say in the matter, a matter that I don't believe either of us is ready for.
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reader, Jonronjon +, writes (6 December 2010):
Dude, Grow up. Drop the lame actor dream. if your 23 and still havnt landed a great role then its over.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Well there isn't much you can do about the pregnancy now. I say this, support her during the pregnancy and support you child when she/he is born, that is all you can do.
Pregnancies is a fact of life. If a couple aren't careful they can happen. I do say this, it's time to grow the heck up. And... having children doesn't mean you can't aim and achieve goals in life, it may take longer, but it is absolutely doable.
Sorry bro, it's time to put your big boy panties on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): I hope other young men read your story and use their own protection ... not relying on the woman's say so concerning birth control. This would save so much heartbreak and disappointment.
I'm a woman and I can say without any reservation... whatsoever... that the choice to bring a child into this world should be made by both individuals IF it is intended that the father of the child support the child. A birth should be a shared decision. I do not believe that having sex implies a willingness to conceive a child and bring a child into this world. Too many young men fall into this trap and I wish... for their sake... and the sake of a child... that men would not be so trusting AND that they would not place their fate in the hands of a woman.
Women, on the other hand, know that all sex is not for procreation... and they should not use the "if you were having sex, you should have known it meant having a child" into the ring. His girlfriend was 'having sex' for the sake of sex (at least that is probably what she told him) and not for procreation. She has a duty of decency to the young man in her life as well as to herself and to the child not to treat 'having sex' as an agreement for child bearing.
In a similar situation, I would either a) terminate the pregnancy; or b) have the baby on my own with absolutely no strings attached to the father of the child.
His entire future should not be compromised because he played russian roulette and the woman should not play this hand in that way.
Yes, a child is a wonderful blessing when the parents of the child are ready. It should not be up to one individual to control the life of another individual or to have a baby simply because she chooses to do so. I think this is morally and ethically wrong.
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female
reader, chloebabeechick +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Since I see nothing in this post about failed contraceptives or her scamming you, I'm going to assume you're in this situation because you did not exercise proper judgment. You're not all that young either, I'm quite close to your age. I going to assume you also know how babies are made. Like another poster said, with adult choices come adult responsibilities. I'm not going to join in your pity party. I also think you're being unnecessarily fatalistic, this baby doesn't signal the end of your hopes and dreams. Let your girlfriend know how you feel without burdening her and with full acknowledgment of your acceptance of responsibility.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Were you using any kind of contraceptives? Condoms, the pill, something? Maybe she lied and said she was on the pill in order to trap you. It happens.
Sadly, you really don't have a say in her actions. It's her body, her choice. Do either of you have a job to support the baby when it comes along, maybe some $ set aside for a rainy day, anything in savings? You had a hand in this, she doesn't reproduce asexually, so yes this is your responsibility. Although, you don't have to stay and take care of your child, you will always be bound to that child unless you give your rights to the child away. This means if you opt out of this relationship she has the choice to slap you with child support until the child is 18. In order to avoid that, I suggest you set up a monthly allotment, whatever you can afford, for your contribution to medical bills, diapers, clothing, formula, and any other necessity pertaining to your child. (Keep records in case she takes you to court)
So technically, no you will never be able to walk away from all of this. It's up to you what you decide, and what you can handle. Ready or not that baby is coming in 9 months and I suggest you decide fast what you want to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): I'm sorry but you're the one that got her pregnant. So yes man up. If you weren't ready for the responsibility then you should have thought of that before and wore a condom or told her to get on birth control and used both methods. Get over it you have a child coming, if you leave you will be a bad person. You don't have to be in a relationship with her but be there for the child. you can still pursue your dreams it will just be harder.
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female
reader, chita22  +, writes (6 December 2010):
 GROW UP!!! This is a human being were talking about not a car or shirt that u think u could just give away!! Your dreams could wait or she could watch the baby while u fullfil your dreams I don't get why people think there dreams have to die just because they have a child it will actualy make u want to want it more then ever cause u want your child to be proud. Accept this blessing there's nothing better then your child trust me when u have that baby in your arms your gonna hate yourself for even thinking about it. There r a lot of actors and producers that have children there life didn't stop so why does yours have to. Good luck god gave u the perfect gift and I think everything happens for a reason!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): She needs to take your opinion into account. You both are very young, she's 20! I mean that is ridiculous.
Try talking to her parents...or are they as unreasonable as she is?
Look I think you are both too young, I think you are being logical in your decision, I think it is not fair when a woman has the entire say in keeping an unplanned child when really it is both your decisions.
But you also got yourself into this mess so you need to take responsibility. No you can't walk away from it. Figure out a way to convince her that it is not the right time. Talk to her parents, let them know how you feel and where your limits are drawn. See if they can help out the situation. But no you can't walk away.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): The baby has been conceived and she wants to keep it, that's all there is to it. No, you wouldn't be a bad person for leaving her. If she's honestly not the person that you don't feel that you would like to settle down with, then that's fine. People can raise children without being a couple. No, yu're not irresponsible for having those dreams. You can still pursue them but you're right, it will be harder. I wouldn't say that you're being selfish for not being ready, you're just unprepared. You're going to have to take responsibility of this child and just get over it. Oh yeah, PLEASE DON'T BE A DEADBEAT DAD.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): I suppose it's a little late to say you probably should have discussed together what you would do if the situation arose. You need to have a serious sit down and chat, and fast, before she becomes too late into the pregnancy to do anything about it or begins to tell people. Be honest with her. Tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her you're not sure that she could rely on you to be the settled down dad that she expects you to be. If she aborts the baby, could your relationship survive? Would you both regret it? Could you make this work, and still manage pursue your dreams? I'm sure with enough hard work, you could. And if she has the baby, but you split up, you will STILL have commitments to the child; you'll still be it's father, it's not something you can escape, unfortunately. Either way, don't let the child (if your girlfriend keeps it) become the innocent victim in this; have a talk with her soon soon!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): You wanting to pursue your dreams is not being selfish, you're just freaked out by the fact you're gonna be a father and that ok. You got this girl pregnant you gotta stand by her attest till the baby is born, having a Child do doesn't mean lost dreams it only means more responsibility If you don't Love the girl you gotta figure out a way to support her. and try 2 be a good father maybe even financially or just visiting , doesn't have to be for the girl but do it 4 the child that way you can pursue your dream and Still support the kid. Make it clear to her in a nice way you're just not ready to be a full time dad she'd hate you if you Leave to go through it alone
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): It's sad you find yourself in this situation with contraception as it is in the 21st century. Still, what's done is done. A baby is forever, regardless of whether you decide to stick with your girlfriend - you are going to be a father. I think you owe it to her frankly to see her through the coming months, be a source of strength and support.I think honesty is the best policy though. Be clear about how you feel - it is her life too and she deserves to be able to plan her own life if you are not going to be around.
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female
reader, Nime +, writes (6 December 2010):
 I really do feel for you. The laws are such that the man has absolutely no say in what happens when he gets a girl with child. If he wants to keep the baby and the girl doesn't, too bad, she'll get an abortion. If she wants to keep the baby and he doesn't, too bad, he'll have to pay child support. You have no legal options; you are completely powerless in this situation.
May I ask who was in charge of birth control and what kind you were using?
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female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Well, first off, why is she pregnant?
If you only know, pregnancy is a miracle of life and it doesn't just happen and your gf didn't do it alone. She did it with you. In short, you should have used some contraceptives if you really don't want her pregnant and not leave everything on her responsibility.
And now that it happened, you will leave her coz you have dreams. What about her dreams that you will ruin?
My advise, talk to her, both of you should decide what to do about it. And don't run away coz that's your child you are running away from. What happens to your child will say what kind of father you are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): If you were not ready for the possibility of becoming a parent, you probably shouldn't have been having sex in the first place. Adult choices come with adult consequences, and while you don't have to remain in the relationship with your girlfriend, walking away from your child doesn't mean that the child (and by extension your responsibilities to him or her) cease to exist.
Like it or not, if your girlfriend is determined to keep the baby you are in for an 18-year commitment, minimum. Not just because it's the right thing to do, but because as the child's father you are legally and financially accountable for part of his or her well-being.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Unless she scammed you, it was your fault for not wearing a condom. I doubt she will let you skip on child support payments either if you decided to leave. Sorry bud but you will have to face this like a man.
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