A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ok first off i am not a cheater i love my wife. now that thats out of the way my problem is this, for about a month ive been talkin to a girl on email dont know where she is from but we just would talk about lots of stuff. well woke up one morning to my wife at the table with my cell phone she saw a message the girl wrote that night that ended with xoxo. i love my wife with all my heart and dont want to lose her what should i do. p.s. i stopped talkin to the other girl. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): Why did she not have the opportunity to share the friendship ?
Spunky Monkey.
A
female
reader, LiveAnnLearn  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 If you ask me your wife is majorly overreacting and you shouldn't encourage her unacceptable behaviour by stopping to talk to that other girl, showing her all of your other messages etc. As you probably already did, the only thing you should do is explain to her that it's just a keypal and nothing to get worried about. She doesn't believe you? Ok, whatever, you can even help her deal with it by talking to her for hours, but what she's doing seems to me like a form of manipulation and it's little things like this that could determine the nature of your entire marriage. I understand that you love her but just because you do it doesn't mean you should be letting her play you as she likes. You have every right to message whoever you want and only in case your wife blackmails you into stopping to do it I see no reason for why you should.
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A
female
reader, blahblahblahh  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Well some would view that as a form of cheating, emotionally cheating. I'm sure you'd be just as hurt if it were the other way around. If the girl was just some girl and that was that, why would you feel the need to hide it from her?
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (10 September 2010):
 You know sometimes I have guys inbox me on here that need additional help or support due to what they're going through but I tell my husband about it. I understand that you met this chick online and maybe she's a new friend someone that you can confide it. Sounds ok to me, but you should have told your wife about her so it doesn't look like more than it did..if you did then she wouldn't have gotten so upset over that text. Then I'm wondering why she went through your phone in the first place, sounds like she has trust issues. You need to sit her down and explain that the girl was nothing but a friend, maybe you were helping her get over issues, but in retrospect to your wife and to prevent further arguments delete this woman from email, MSN, etc. then, show your wife that since she's not comfortable with it you cut this friend out of your life. Proceed then to discuss the trust issues here, and work on building back that trust. Prove you have nothing to hide.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): She does have a right to be upset. You are married to her and she is likening this to 'emotionally' cheating on her. And it has shaken her trust in you, which as you know is foundational in a marriage.
No matter how insignificant, this incident was to you, she saw your primary focus switch from the marriage and momentarily, it went to another woman. I recommend you get rid of the online woman, delete all contact info and discuss with your wife, about the shaken trust and find out, what caused you secretly have an online woman friend in the first place. As mentioned below, secrecy is very damaging and it does shatter respect/trust in a marriage. (2 key elements in a good marriage). So now, sit and talk. Begin the steps of renewing your committment to each other. Start with communication, rebuild the trust and move on. Good luck, dear
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A
female
reader, bebe87 +, writes (10 September 2010):
 You must put yourself in your wife's shoes. To her all she saw was just a couple XOXO which may be harmless, and it may not be. Why have you felt the need to be talking to some girl via email? Do you know her, seems as though to me you are looking 'outside the box' per say. As your wife I'd think, "ok maybe this is nothing, but what else is he hiding?! Is he wanting something/someone else" A million things could be going thru her head, we women already have a circus going on in our head and heart, then adding something like this is the result of a huge mess. This unfortunately has probably caused your wife to not trust you very much if at all right now, and whose to say how long that can last. Why, if you love her so much would you go do something to this nature and keep it from her?? Because you know in your heart, ITS WRONG! So now you must take responsibility and own up to your actions, hopefully you can make it work, good luck!
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A
male
reader, drb1966 +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Tough one. Regardless of what you tell your wife she will wonder if your telling the truth or not. Consider this a relationship building or breaking experience. Either your wife will understand that you were simply talking to another women behind her back which honestly is innocent enough, but when the mind starts going it can go over board. Or your wife will not understand why you were talking to another women behind her back.Put the shoe on the other foot, let's say you saw the same text on your wifes phone and she said 'It's just a guy I've been texting, but nothing is going on' how do your think you would feel. Probably the same way she is feeling a bit betrayed, lacking some trust etc.I had the same situation happen to me although the text my wife saw wasn't a simple xoxo. The text my wife saw was an invite for me to go to Greece with this other woman. And although we did know each other 20 years ago we had not seen each other as long.The first words out of my wifes mouth were ' and how many other women are you texting?' So whether you are doing anything or not you end up in the doghouse.I had another issue though, I respect my wifes privacy and I expected her to respect mine. The fact that she opened my text on my phone pissed me off a bit. And I told her that I loved her and that nothing was going on and I chose not to tell her because I knew she would react exactly the way she was reacting and blow the whole situation out of proportion. I also said that our relationship is based on trust and that she had to trust that I was telling the truth and that nothing was happening and it was a simple conversation between two adults. Seeing a text with xoxo couple just as easy be translated as being at a party and before you leave the party after talking to a woman you give her a hug a quick kiss on the cheek.If you love her and she loves you just be straight up and tell her how you feel. I have been married for 22 years and I have gotten myself in trouble plenty of times and I have found the best way to get through any situation is to stay calm, cool and communicate.Good Luck
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Sometimes cheating isn't about sex. Sometimes it's about the secrecy. Why were you talking to this girl? You two may not have had sex, but why did you feel the need to keep it from your wife? You must have known she wouldn't like you talking to her. THAT is the problem your wife has.
I'm not judging you here or calling you a cheat. I'm just telling you why your wife was so upset. A guy can have a friend who's a girl and his wife can be okay with it.... the main reason for it working, though, is honesty.
How would you feel if you found a text from a guy on your wife's phone ending with xoxo? Would you have flipped out with jealousy?
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