A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:So we all know that men are visual creatures. My problem is that I am just not that attracted to my wife anymore. We have been married 15 years. She is a pretty woman, but has slowly gained weight. She is maybe 40-50 lbs overweight, and weighs more than me.Well, I love her very much, and to stay interested in her physically, I have had to use my imagination over the years. We have sex with the light off. Problem is, I have about exhausted my very vivid imagination, and all I seem to have left is the reality - which is just not sexually exciting at all.I know women can be aroused for many reasons. Men, we need something to look at. Can you imagine having sex with a frumpy middle-aged woman? I am plum out of sexual fantasies/scenarios to play out in my head with my eyes closed when we have sexShe makes zero progress in losing weight, though she tries for a little while, she soon gives up. Seeing a 200lb woman in a g-string is not an attractive sight!Help, what do I do. I have zero interest in sleeping with her. Truth be told, I would rather wan off by myself. I end up seeing all these women duri g the day and thinking, "man I'd love to F her". I AM a monogamous person and have not cheated - but I am not sure i can spend the rest of my life this way
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (13 September 2010):
 @Universe man, all I'm saying is we accept the male for what he has come to be with age, why can't males accept their now overweight spouses? Gained weight isn't permanent, it can be fixed. So maybe husbands should stop whining about their not so size 2 wives and come up with a solution and positive reinforcement to aid her in shedding those pounds. Just because she's overweight doesn't mean she's ugly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Miamine. I think you at least understand my dilemma. I DO love my wife, but men need to be sexually aroused to have sex. I have just ran out of fantasy scenarios to make this happen. I will try harder for us to exercise together and hope this helps
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): Ouch, hugs to you and the wife!
both are suffering. you because you want a paris hilton (or equivalent) babe in the sack. and her because she doesnt have the will power and convictions to lose weight.
i have been reading about BBW- some men love these women and what they represent. perhaps read up on them as well, and learn to appreciate women and the beauty they possess, both thin and larger sized ones.
with regard to your wifes weight problem - you need to have THAT talk with her. tell her you love her and want to stay married to her BUT you also would like to see her lose weight. you need to be tactful, and not rude when you talk to her. tell her you are being honest with her and that you will help her lose weight. i know the aunts here on this site is anti diet pills, but look for some appetite reducing pills, or whatever is on the market. there are some good piils that help reduce your appetite. use this as a start, hey even buy it for her.
i loose weight when i get the support of my loved ones. perhaps your wife needs rto hear the truth in a loving manner. yes she will be mad, hurt even but faced with the possibility of her marriage ending, she may be forced to do something positive. reward her, encourage her and ultimately respect her.
do not expect the weight to just melt off, be realisitic. this is a long term life changing health "project"
are you superficial, only worried about peoples good looks. if so, no matter what your wife weighs you will not be happy and content. over weight people are also human beings and they deserved to be loved, for who they are. be careful you do not end up losing the woman who cares and loves you only to have regrets in the long term. having an overweight but loving partner is better than not having a partner at all. think about it.
-LoveGirl
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (12 September 2010):
 Take her swimming... and touch her often as you help her get into shape.. the fluid water, the movements of your bodies and the fact the water will hide her large figure, should do a lot for helping your desire at the same time as she starts to trim up and loose weight. Being around slimmer people should inspire her, swimming is also removes the most amount of calories with the least amount of effort.
Don't give up, you don't sound like a cheating guy, you sound like you love your wife. Try some of our suggestions. They might just work and you'll kick yourself if you miss out on the chance of turning things around.
She needs your help, equipment to use on her own is boring.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 September 2010):
That's the answer then. He just has to convince his dick that it is wrong. Your solution to think of how hard-working and kind his wife is, will probably do the trick. I'm sure your right, he's not using his brain in the right way and that's why he's having sexual difficulties.
Personally I'd prefer my man to find me attractive and want to sleep with me, and not have to tie himself into knots, trying to find a way to find me sexy.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 September 2010):
 Actually, all of the research and the general consensus is that the greatest sex organ a man or woman has is the brain, meaning that you absolutely *can* control your sexual attraction with your thoughts. It's the primary reason why illicit affairs are often "sweeter" than regular sex. Think the sex itself is better? Many times the "other woman" (or man) are often not as attractive as the spouse.
Often wonder how people can be happily married for 50+ years? It's in the mind and in the heart, because no one can escape the ravages of time on the body, no matter how much they work out or diet.
I'm not saying that the guy is *wrong*. I'm not judging him at all. I'm in fact happy that he hasn't cheated on his wife, and that he's looking for help with the situation. I'm laying out what could be the solution, and that's my opinion to offer.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 September 2010):
He is not talking about an intellectual exercise, or whether he loves his wife or not. His wife no longer attracts him now she has a larger size. If he wanted a bigger lady from the start, that's what he would have married. You can talk about if this guy is wrong or not, it dosen't solve the basic problem, HIS DICK JUST WON'T COME UP AND HE FINDS IT HARD TO PERFORM.
Your trying to tell him that his body is wrong, and that's just down right crazy. You can't control sexual attraction with the power of your thoughts.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 September 2010):
Here's the thing, to UniverseMan and the others who are agreeing about the woman gaining weight to be the ultimate deal breaker or that the wives are "whining" about being "unattractive", etc.
You should look at your wives with different eyes, maybe with new eyes.
You forget that she bore your children, was there in your corner supporting and loving you when no one else would, and is the one who understands you and accepts all of your faults and your rough edges. She's heard every bodily noise that you suck in in public, yet let fly in the comfort of your own home. She loves and cares for your kids like no other in the universe ever will, and she is the one who is prouder of your accomplishments in life...she's the ultimate lover, friend, confidante, and teammate in this game of life.
You can be yourself completely around her, and have entire conversations with her without even opening your mouths. You have a history together that runs deeper and stronger than any mistress could give you. You wife may have helped you move ahead in your career, helped you look your best, and helped you socially by being your significant other with groups of friends who may have opened up opportunities.
She's been your errand runner, your home co-manager, your day-planner, and the one person in life who complements your weaknesses with her strengths.
Fast forward to your 70th birthday. If you've taken the route of only valuing a wife by her physical attractiveness, taken no steps to cultivate and nourish your relationship with her, and accuse her of "not loving" you if she gains weight and doesn't take it off fast enough for you, you will find yourself alone. Your health ailments, your own deteriorating looks and body, and your age will catch up to you. You won't be able to attract the young, tight women you claim are the only ones who can satisfy you sexually. You will be lonely because if you left your wife (especially if you cheated on her!), she (and most likely the children you neglected by the leaving) will not be there for you.
Rewind, and then fast forward again to your 70th birthday. This time, you and your wife worked on the issue together. You didn't love her just for her body, and you accepted her whether she lost enough weight for you or not. By this time, she's your best friend in the whole world. You both enjoy the wonders of your grandchildren, and reminisce together about the success that is your life together, and your joint accomplishments. You continue to make plans to travel, and to see the world. Of course you have your problems, but you both work at your marriage and stayed strong and loyal to each other.
Which life do you want? Especially later on in life when all of the static and loud arguments about looks dies down? What will you have then?
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male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (11 September 2010):
"If it was all about appearance then shouldn't women be divorcing their husbands who are balding, have beer bellies, and erectile dysfunction?"
Tennisstar88, wouldn't it be a great world if men could be happy with overweight spouses? If we could see past that kind of thing like women seem to be able to do? Unfortunately, that's not the world we live in. Certainly, it's not the world this man lives in. So maybe let's stop whining about how life is unfair for unattractive women and stop dreaming that maybe we can make this man, or all men, think differently. Deal with reality.
You don't have to cook, you don't have to exercise. Eat less food.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): Perhaps you should try counseling together, to find out what is going on with both of you.
Don't cheat...you can't take that back.
Learn to cook...you can do that, for both of you.
Don't assume you know what is going on. Counseling can help you both get to the bottom of this in a constructive fashion.
First, also see your doctor, make sure you don't have another problem, low testosterone, erectile dysfunction, etc.
Don't assume you know why you aren't turned on. Be open and frank with the doctor, very frank.
Chubby women can be sexy, just like skinny women. The last guy that I saw in my office who thought he didn't like his wife because of her weight, just had a problem with testosterone production. The problem wasn't her, the problem was his gonads. He now has no problem with sex drive, and wife hasn't lost weight.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 September 2010):
There is nothing wrong with being overweight, healthy and eating well. I call that voluptuous. Many larger ladies are sexy and they meet men who likes the size of them. But this guy married a slim woman, she's now changed. If he found the fat ladies sexy, he would marry one of them... Same thing happens when a large lady suddenly starts to loose weight dramatically and her partner thinks, "shit, I didn't want no skinny lady, hell, she aint as sexy to me". In this alternative situation, the husband would encourage her to eat or exercise to a standard that means she doesn't loose the curves that attracted him at first.
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female
reader, archiefreddy +, writes (10 September 2010):
 well first of all, i think that you need to tell your wife exactly how your feeling, and although she may really take offence and being really upset that her husband is no longer physically attracted to her any more, you won't be keeping things bottled up. because thats not good between marriges. i think you should tell her you love her, but you would really appreciatiate it if she tried to loose weight, and i know that you said she has tried, but fails every time, maybe if you explain to her how your feeling, she will probobly want to loose weight, because,, if she loves you enough, she will understand, and loose wight.
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female
reader, LiveAnnLearn  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Resisting the temptation to judge you, I'd say she deserves to know how you're feeling - it probably will hurt her at 1st but come to think of it she will probably realize you did give your best. Try to put it as sensitively as you can, avoiding to tell her the details like "I would rather wan off by myself" and, if you do it properly (you know her the best and know the way to least hurt her while saying it), you might even motivate her to lose weight or at least start working on it more actively. If not, weigh your options and decide, starting all over again or staying in a sexless marriage. No matter what anyone thinks of you, it's your life only and you always have the right to do what suits you the best.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 September 2010):
 I think you should leave your wife and find someone who you do want to have sex with. It seems you will anyhow so why look here for condonement?
Your wife will do much better without you and it's a fact that most women gain weight when they are unhappy in their marriage. Low self esteem and feeling she isn't good enough will send her heading for the cookie dough!!
Let her go, that way she will lose weight naturally, begin to live for the human being that she truly is and will have the opportunity to find someone who loves her body and soul.
You had better get a move on because middle aged men (however fit) arn't that much in demand and once the grey hairs and the wrinkles begin to show, you may find it harder to get laid (unless it's with somone whos just a player or after your cash).
It's never too late to start a new life and I think thats what your wife and you need to do.
If you loved her, you wouldn't be posting here, you'd be loving her and encouraging her and learning to take over a few of the home chores like cooking healthy meals.
Good luck. I hope you find what your looking for.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (10 September 2010):
You're put off by her weight an nothing more?..If it was all about appearance then shouldn't women be divorcing their husbands who are balding, have beer bellies, and erectile dysfunction? My husband most likely won't look like he does now at 50, so what? I love him and I married him. If people went around divorcing due to changing appearance over time then the divorce rate would be a helluva lot higher than 60%.
No, you can't just tell her she's overweight and has to drop the pounds. Cooking isn't hard I use food.com they show the nutrition facts on every recipe, cooking magazines such as Taste of Home Light Edition, and Healthy Living have great recipes. And everyone else on here has suggested taking exercise outdoors and helping her with it. The only thing left is liposuction and gastric bypass surgery which would be completely drastic, plus I'm thinking you'd really hurt her feelings then. From your update I can't help but feel you're ready to give up and throw in the towel. You can aid her in losing weight, you just have to want to try..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): I think your wife is aware. I'm sure you didn't make a habit of having sex in the dark when she was fit. Can't you learn to cook? Just follow a few recipes you can find for free online. If you're going to tell her, don't say any of what you wrote here. It's hurtful and even after she gets fit, she will remember this and see you as a shallow man. You want her to be healthy. That's it. Weight Watchers offers great help and support for long-term health and going to an all-woman gym can boost her confidence better.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 September 2010):
First, to the guy who got "side action" with an old high school girl, if I were your wife, I wouldn't cry if you had told me that my weight "caused" you to do that. I would pity your weakness and then leave you. I'd pity your "side girl" for being used for sex.
Second, to the original poster. I'm glad you haven't yet cheated. However, half of the issue lies with you. She's going to be "middle-aged" whether she loses weight or doesn't. And, you're going to be middle aged too. What if women justified cheating if their husbands started balding, or started having the erection issues that many men do in their 40's-50's?
You must understand that part of your issue is that your sex drive is waning. You also must understand that if you keep stimulating your mind with porn and "barely legal" 18 year old girls (who wouldn't give you the time of day in real life), your wife wouldn't be able to compete no matter how much weight she loses.
Yes, you both should go on a health initiative. AND - you should go on a romance initiative. If she's looking to soothe herself with food, there needs to be something to replace that. How do you know that she's not using food because there's something lacking in the marriage? We women are really really intuitive when our husbands shut down on us, and just as you're resorting to side fantasies, she's resorting to comfort foods. She may also find you physically inadequate as well.
You need to find a common goal. Go biking together, or take walks around the lake, or nature trails. You take charge of the grocery shopping and make sure there are healthy snacks in the house. You say you can't cook? Why not learn??? That would make her really happy if you did, and you'd have control of the menu.
Make this a dual project, and maybe you'll find a reason to fall in love with her all over again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy is it shallow to state a fact: when I look at her, touch her, etc., I do not get an erection. That is a physical fact. I was able to hide it for a few years by making extraordinary use of my imagination. I can't pull off the deception anymore - it's not working.
I bought us two bikes. I bought her a treadmill for the house. I am not overweight. I do not know how to cook - and particularly not the skill to make diet/whole foods taste good. She knows I am not happy with her weight, but perhaps not to what extent. I am not sure whether I should make it clear, give her a sort of Quasimodo-ultimatum. This would hurt her very deeply. But, on the other hand, am I just to say, oh well, sex is just not for me for the next 50 years. Is that right?
Ultimately, the judgmental stuff isn't helpful, and it isn't even applicable to my situation. I have stood by her, and continue to do so, however, i am just being honest to say that I do not know if I can , or even if I should, spend the rest of my days with no sexual interest in my life.
Please help
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male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (10 September 2010):
You're not shallow. This is normal. I don't know what to tell you about how to be happy. Seems to me in a perfect world, you'd just go visit the local whorehouse and come home happy. You get your rocks off, a young girl gets money for college (or drugs, or whatever) and your wife gets to continue to eat ice cream without feeling guilty about it. Everybody wins.
The only practical advice I have is on how your wife can lose weight.
a) Exercise: forget about it. Exercise is great for a lot of reasons, but losing fat is not one of them.
b) Healthier food choices: Will work to some degree. If someone is able to actually forego calorie-dense foods in favor of things like vegetables, that will help.
c) Eating less food: this I think is the key. Try suggesting to your wife that she simply wait to eat until the hunger changes from a mental sensation to a physical sensation in her stomach. Doesn't sound too radical, does it? But it should be a significant decrease in the amount of food she eats. Fat is intended to be burned for energy in lean times. Middle class Americans no longer have lean times when food is not available, so we have to create them.
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female
reader, WhateverMovesThee +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Its not just that you're no longer unattracted but there's also her health to consider at her age. Have you thought of that? No one wants to hear "you're fat"you need to tell her that you love her very much no matter what and you're worried about her health. Convince her to take long walks with you and make it sweet, hold her hand. Take up cooking and prepare her healthier meals, you can also make this quite romantic if you choose. Be by her side every step of the way. Go jogging, bike-riding with her. When she sees she has your full support, she'll work harder. When she loses weight, bring her flowers and tell her she's beautiful. Positive reinforcement will make her push herself more. If you're patient, it'll work out. Don't be selfish. If you'd rather not have sex, don't make her feel bad by closing lights etc. Women can feel a man's disinterest/disgust and that can add to feelings of depression which stimulate weight gain. She can overeat because you make her feel unloved, sad. Work on changing that.
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female
reader, LaughAlot2010 +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Wow. Shallow much?? Really why dont you just sit down with her and have a chat?? But be nice!!!! Not you NEED to lose weight. Tell her your concerned about her health. If you really loved her you would except her for who she is and it wouldnt matter if she is "fat". And really?? Posting it on here? I just dont know...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Dude, you are pitiful in your inability to take this by the horns on your own. But hey, at least I need to applaud you to have the desire at least to post a hail Mary question to see if anyone comes up with a great answer. First thing is help support a healthy eating atmosphere, and get some daily physical activity going. Call it a quality of life initiative, as over time it will improve both your quality of life dramatically. Also, get ready for the long haul, she didn't get fat overnight, and you didn't turn in to the callous self absorbed husband overnight either. My guess is they are related problems. It will take time and a lot of work to fix these two issues. As far as you go, I would try to remember what you loved about your wife and why you got married. Try to find things to do together that are socially fun and bring you closer together and maybe you'll start to enjoy sex because you are emotionally close. Additionally, my wife was dramatically overweight, and it wasn't until I started making eating well, and working out a priority that she decided to take some action. It was about a year later. She said she wanted to lose weight, but couldn't do it on her own. I am very supportive, and tell her how awesome she looks (and always have no matter what I really think). Trust me, she sees herself in pictures exactly how she is, and doesn't need you to say anything to her about it. Just take a personal interest in your own diet and exercise program and sooner or later she'll come around, but you have to be supportive and help her be a happier girl.
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male
reader, drb1966 +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Have you tried working out together? My wife had put on some extra pounds on top off falling in and out of depression. And I too was not sexually attracted to her anymore. Unlike you I did in fact find a little side action with and old high school girl I dated. And thinking that honesty was the best policy I told my wife several months into it. Keep in mind we are in two different states and we got together only once or twice, but we did get together.
As expected my wife was hurt, but it did open her eyes up to the severity of the issue. I love my wife we have been married for 22 years, but I simply lost interest in her sexually. I told her that I did not want to lose her, but I could not keep going the way we are and that a choice was going to have to be made. Either get in shape or except the fact that I will be attracted to other women sexually.
Well, once the crying stopped and I reassured her that I loved her and did not want to leave her for another woman she agreed to get in shape. And because I really wanted to be attracted to her again I promised that I would work out with her.
We chose a pretty tough workout program we could do at home (P90X) and it was tough for the first couple of weeks but I saw that she started gaining confidence in herself we began communicating more and honestly she was toning up and I could see a difference in her strength.
It is tough to workout alone, but together it actually makes it fun. And by the end of the 90 days we actually ended up skipping some workouts because we ended up staying in bed if you know what I mean.
Good Luck my friend. Don't ask her change help her do it.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (10 September 2010):
You sound a little shallow here wanting to possibly divorce her because she gained weight. I'm wondering what you look like.. Women gain that comfort weight in marriage, plus added baby weight if you got kids, and looks change over time..we're not always going to be that perfect size 2 you married 15 years ago. I'm sure you married her for something other than her looks..like the fact you love her. Now, 200 pounds does't sound healthy and you can't make her lose weight, she has to do it on her own. From what I hear the older you get the harder it is to lose weight...You could join a gym with her doing 45 minutes of cardio, get a friend to work out with her, take the workout outdoors going walking on a evening walk, or buy 2 bikes to ride on some bike trails, and take over the cooking. Trade fried foods, fast food, soda, and sweets for healthy eating such as salads, veggies, lean chicken and beef, whole wheat bread, and 8-10 glasses of water. The cooking you take over and she'll be able to lose weight from that alone without having to workout just yet. What does her doctor say about her being overweight? If she doesn't comply with any of the above then ask her doctor if there's any weight loss pill on the market that's effective. However, if you do go that route she's still going to have to maintain healthy eating habits. And if she tries any of this you have to be patient and give her positive reinforcement.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Start exercising together, look for a past time that is more physical. Like instead of watching a movie together, take a walk together, for example. Also, start cooking healthier together. And in the end, you may even just want to tell her straight out how important this is to you... if you cant tell this to HER, then who CAN you tell it to? What is worse, to leave her/cheat on her, or tell her straight out the truth, to give her the impetus/urgency needed to change?
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