A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I did something really stupid. I had sex with another woman, therefore cheating on my wife. It only happened once and my wife doesn't know. I have no idea why on earth I did it. There's no chance that I'll ever see the woman I had sex with again. I don't know what to do. I'm sitting here crying as I type this. I love my wife so much and I can't believe what I did in a moment of utter stupidity. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): I try to trust my gut and right from the start i believed that this was a troll post:
The OP, a male, was crying while he wrote this piece. BUT he has chosen to remain silent after receiving so many responses!
If he was sooo emotional surely he would have been moved by the responses either way and there would have been an update???
Just saying!!!
LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): An Honest Loving Man stands accountable.
A lying,coward who puts his lust before his Wife and Vows- hides.
She'll want the love and respect of the truth.
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 I can't believe how many people are telling you to say nothing and take it to your grave. This makes me lose hope in humanity. Seriously.
Your wife has a right to know. Like someone else said, you made the choice to have sex outside of your marriage, now you must give her the choice to decide whether she wants to continue it.
You have more of a chance to reconcile and strengthen your relationship if you tell her. Look inside yourself and find out why you did it. Then you can let her know. Tell the truth, and she might be thankful for your honesty. Apologise to her. Grovel at her feet if you must. Work towards showing her that you're sincerely remorseful, so you can prove to her - and TO YOURSELF - that you will never do such a thing again. It will take time. It will be hard. But if you love your wife, that's what you'll do.
Keep quiet, and you'll have to carry this secret around and it will eat away at you little by little, day by day. This secret will taint the way you act towards her and she WILL notice. She will pick up on it and she will start to wonder why you haven't told her what's wrong. And then she will start to not trust you when you lie and say that you're perfectly OK. Then, when the truth finally does come out - and it will - she will be even more hurt that you forced her to live a lie every single day. She will be upset that you lead her to believe you were an honest, wholesome and faithful husband, when you've been the opposite. Your chances of forgiveness will be very low and you'll have destroyed everything you ever built.
Hiding the truth is cowardly. Do the right thing and own up to your mistakes. Expect there to be consequences, no matter the decision she makes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): everybody's telling you to tell her, but sincerely if you're feeling like s*it now you already know that cheating on her makes you feel like, and hopefully you won't do it again. SO in my opinion and if I were her I would rather not know, it hurts less. Make sure you don't have an SDT though, cause then you if you really love her like you say you won't want her to have it too...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): Dont say a word why lose your wife for 1 mistake after all you are a man
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): NO.There are consequences attached to every single choice a human makes. Good and bad.You had the intentions, desires, and you committed to act on them.No excuses, no rationalizing, no minimizing.ACCOUNTABILITY is EVERYTHING as is striving to be a man of Integrity.You OWE it to your wife to Be Honest and own up for your choice.You should feel stupid, remorse, guilt and sorrowful, and it should be this way for a very long time.Then Let Wife decide what she will.If she choose to stay, I don't EVER want to hear you FAULT her for not having supper on the table, or not doing your laundry, or not wanting to have sex.If she works to forgive you, and yes it will be work for her, if not harder for her to overcome such a betrayal, than you feeling self pity, you will have to now suffer with her through the pain, the anger, the rage, the depression and stand by her and apologize every danged time she needs to work her pain and mistrust out.Also seek counselling to address the WHY as cheating is usually a symptom of something else.And attend couples counselling.Good Luck- You'll Need it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 One important thing I forgot to ask: did you use protection? Are you certain this will not come back at a later point, for example in the form of an STI or a child?
Get tested for STI's! The last thing you want to do is have your wife find out you cheated by having gotten an STI from you!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 February 2012):
Figure out why you did it. You need to know why, otherwise you might be doing it again. Be self critical, but be realistic. You had sex with another woman because.... No made up excuses, just tell yourself the cold harsh facts. That's the only way you know what you're dealing with, and whether or not it might happen again.
It is pointless to tell your wife any of this until you have found the answers to the questions she is bound to ask. Not being able to answer her questions will only cause further distress. So before you even think about telling her, think about the why's and how's of how this came to happen.
Now, to tell or not tell your wife depends on the relationship the two of you have, and of course on whether or not you will ever cheat again. There are both good and bad things with either approach. If you do not tell her you save her the hurt and pain. However you will be living a lie, it might eat you up from the inside, because with every passing day you are indirectly lying to her, giving her the impression that you are faithful when you have not been faithful.
On the other hand, if you tell her you release your guilt, and open up for punishment. This is the "right" thing to do, but you will also break her heart in the process. Then again, if you believe in a truthful marriage, this might unite you. It might first separate you, and then it might unite you at a later point.
If you know that your wife will leave you if she finds out that you have cheated then I think you should tell her. Because if she is strongly convinced when it comes to this point you are doing her a disservice by keeping it a secret. You need to ask yourself if this is something you think she'd want to know or not.
As for me, it depends on the relationship and the person I am with. With one person I might prefer that he kept it a secret and never told me. With another person honesty at all times might be of higher importance, making me want to know.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 I too think that you need to
a. figure out WHY you did it.
and
b. take your chances and your lumps and tell your wife.
the guilt will consume you if you don't. and it will color and affect how you think and act... and she will pick up on it...
BUT before you talk to her about it you should figure out why you did it and what is lacking in your current relationship that made you do it...
then talk about it with her.
be prepare for her to be hurt and angry and mad.
be prepared for the rocky road but it's my opinion that it's better if she finds out by YOU telling her rather than HER discovering it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): Don't tell her! Nothing good wil come out of it. Sooner or later, your confession will work against you. Thats given. Never admit, unless caught red handed. FYI, i don condone cheating in relationships and shame on you for cheating on your wife
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): What if you have passed on an STI to your wife, how would you explain that one? Your wife has a right to know you have had sex with another woman, and by this selfish action you have put your marriage in a difficult spot.
And if you dont tell your wife, the next time an opportunity comes along, I am sure that you will once again take a chance.....
Face up to your selfish action, go to therapy/marriage counselling with your wife.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 OP if you love your wife, you wouldn't have done it. There is absolutely no excuse, if everything was fine, you would NOT have done it. There is something missing in your relationship and you have to ask yourself what it is. This drunk bullshit wont work, don't fool yourself or anyone else. No matter how drunk you are, you CANNOT sleep with a someone else, unless you want to. That is the biggest fake excuse in the world. You have to tell her, because as your wife she has the right to know. You shared your vows with her, they mean something. Marriage is a whole different territory, you are meant to be with this person for the rest of your life, don't do it based on a lie. She should know what you've done and based on that she can decide if she wants to work this out or not.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 February 2012):
I think you should confess to your wife. Either way whether you do or don't, your marriage will never be the same. Choices have consequences. Even if you don't tell her, there will still be consequences. while I do think you should be forgiven for your mistake if you are truly repentant, at the same time I don't think you will be able to truly forgive yourself when the one whom you have wronged and whom you claim to love, does not even know about your burden. It's very hard to work on dealing with your guilt in a constructive way, while at the same time having to pretend to your wife that nothing is out of the ordinary.
Then probably your guilt will affect your behavior towards her and hurt her that way, and she will have no idea why because you're not saying why. Or you'll learn to become a very good actor and be doomed to having to put on an act 24/7 for the rest of your life? that's going to hurt your wife too because she'll be living with someone who's being fake towards her.
Despite the argument that your guilt is your cross to bear, and shouldn't be made into hers, I disagree. Marriage involves two people. If something awful happens, both people are involved.
Even if you try to 'spare' her the agony, it also becomes her cross to bear because when guilt silently eats at you, it will come out in your behavior towards your spouse and hurt your spouse in the long run. she will wonder why her husband's behavior has changed and he denies it, and why this has been carrying on for months or years now.
It's also going to be pretty awful for you to have to pretend that nothing's eating you up inside. You may get good at pretending with practice, but that means that you can never be your true authentic self around your wife. this will hurt you as well as her but in a slow insiduous way.
Thus, if you think that not telling her and dealing with the guilt on your own is for her benefit, think again. Either way, whether you tell her or not, there will be consequences.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): "I did something really stupid. I had sex with another woman"
You make it sound like you accidentally spilled coffee on yourself or something. You had so many opportunities not to follow through on having sex with the other woman, you had so many opportunities to put on the brakes, and you didn't .... and it sounds like you're making light of this. It doesn't sound like you fully comprehend the seriousness of this situation other than that your wife will be devastated if she knew, and might leave you. There is much more to it than that. Do you think that trying to do damage control by lying and being dishonest, will actually work and give you a do-over just like that?
If you want to salvage any last shred of decency and self-respect you need to tell your wife and own up to it completely. By keeping secrets you're avoiding personal responsibility. Also, the truth has a way of coming back to bite you in the rear end. It's called karma. If you don't own up now, the truth may very well come out eventually when you least expect it and are unprepared for it and when it's certainly not within your control, and the fall out will be so much worse because the shock would be even greater. If you own up to her now, she may leave you or she may give you another chance. If the truth comes out by itself against your will, the chances are greater than she'll leave you (or stay married but turn cold on you forever) because the sense of betrayal will be doubled.
For a marriage to work, there has to be trust and honesty as the foundation. You've already broken her trust in the worst possible way. By not telling her, you're now creating a foundation of dishonesty for your marriage as well. You'll be lying to your wife for the rest of her life, basically. Lies of omission are still lies.
Furthermore, keeping this secret greatly increases the probability that over time you will slowly bit by bit grow confident to cheat on her again since hey, you did it once before and she never found out so why not again. after all, it was just "stupidity" that's all. That's another big reason you should tell her to hold yourself ACCOUNTABLE to your actions. Like I said earlier, by keeping this a secret you're absolving yourself of personal responsibility.
I'm sorry but I just cannot condone keeping this terrible secret from her just so she won't get devastated by the TRUTH and/or leave you. That's not having concern for her at all, it's having concern only for yourself, a pattern that already began when you slept with another woman. You already cheated on your wife so it's TOO LATE for "it's better not to hurt her"! It's already DONE. by lying to her for the rest of her life you're just compounding the damage to your marriage especially when the truth comes out by itself in the future (that karma thing).
in short, you made a mistake so you need to be a man and own up to your wife about it and take full responsibility for it and deal with the fall out squarely.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): I never understand why, when there is a question like this, so many people think the right thing to do is to keep quiet and pretend it never happened.
HELLO??
a) if it comes out later - and it often does - then the fact that you kept it hidden is often the straw that breaks the camel's back and prevents possible reconciliation
b) if you are married, you made certain vows to your wife or husband and a marriage is based on trust and fidelity. if you keep secrets or cheat on your partner then you have broken the vows you made to them. that means they do not mean that much to you, or you wouldn't have cheated in the first place.
This woman deserves the right to decide whether she wishes to remain married to someone who cannot control his urges. It should be HER choice now, because you made YOUR choice in that your wife seemingly wasn't enough for you.
She believes her husband to be one thing when he is another and she has every right to decide whether she wishes to remain married to you. She may leave and want nothing more to do with you. She may leave but then decide to go for counselling with you and give your marriage another try.
If you truly love your wife, you will tell her and let her heap piles of crap on your head (although if you really loved her you wouldn't have cheated on her). She deserves to know and make her own decision. You've already disrespected her but it disrespects her even more to lie to her for the next 10, 20, 30 years.
If it comes out later you will have no chance to save your marriage. Owning up is the only chance. Take your medicine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): I will let the others condone your cheating, telling you to keep lying to your wife:
What i do want to tell you though is this: learn to keep your pants on. Zip your zip! Yep, if you are sooooooo crying like a baby now then why did you cheat? Did anyone force you by having a gun to your head? Or did you do what u did and then decided to face the consequences later? Then the crocodile tears start flowing, sympathy flowing from all side? Im sure this made up feel tons better.
Listen man, look at your life and see how easy it is to hoodwink your wife. Then think whether she too has secrets from you. Whether she too is leading or has led a secret lifestyle(?). Then ask yourself whether you would want to know if she has cheated and whether u will be able to forgive her if she did.
Your cheating did not just happen. U knowingly broke your marriage vows. I hope your few minutes of illicitness is worth the basis of a coverup going forward in your marriage.
Each to his/her own!
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): Dude ... dont tell it to your wife. Just forget it. Win over your guilt, else if you tell your wife, 1. She will feel miserable, 2. She will never trust you again 3. She might dump you or 4. She might cheat you.
In whatever scenario, it WILL have unintended consequences. So just forget it and move on. Dont worry about what you did. Just repent it and as a remedy, never do it again. All the best !
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (27 February 2012):
More important than telling her or not telling her is knowing why you did it and removing that temptation/need
Were you drunk? Have you and your wife been in a rough pat h? Are you just bored with the routine of one woman?
Instead of telling her - I'd first focus on making your relationship even better.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (27 February 2012):
 Don't tell her. You'll destroy her trust and your marriage will never be the same. Telling her would not be for her benefit but for your own. It would be very selfish to do. You are the one who made the mistake, it should not be her who suffers the emotional damage. So long as you're very sorry and will never do this again, you should keep it to yourself. It will be hard living with the guilt, but you can get through it. Just keep reminding yourself you are human and humans make mistakes. You are not the first person to cheat, just so long as you don't do it again your marriage can survive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): Don't just say you don't know why you did it. that's a sure fire way to guarantee it WILL happen again in the future. after all if you knew why you did it that means you have to start making some changes in your life. If you continue to say you dont' know why you did it that means you can continue on as you always have and not make yourself uncomfortable with the self-reflection.
you should tell your wife. she deserves to know. if she ends up leaving you because of it, that just means all the more that you had to have told her because of the magnitude of deceit that the marriage and the rest of her life would be based on otherwise.
but somehow I get the feeling you won't tell her, just as I get the feeling you will not confront yourself to figure out why you cheated on your wife, and just chalk it up to "I don't know, I was stupid". I hope I'm wrong though.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): Do NOT tell your wife. Forgive yourself, forget the incident like it never happened, move on, and show your wife always how much she is loved, without overdoing it.
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A
female
reader, iloveandysixx! +, writes (27 February 2012):
 You should tell your wife. You know that you did something wrong and if you truley feel bad about it then you will never ever do that again. Inky do this if you really love your wife.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (27 February 2012):
 Take it to your grave. If you know you made a huge mistake. If you know you will never, ever do that again, then don't tel lher. Suffer in your own private hell, let it gnaw at you and torment you every time you see her freshly scrubbed face blinking at you in the morning over coffee. Let that be your hell and your punishment. Because you have done a horrible thing and if she finds out it could be the end of your marriage. This is a deal breaker with some women and they will not forgive and forget. If you are not ready for your marriage to unravel then take it to your grave and learn from this huge mistake. And don't you ever betray her like that again. Because deep down inside, you know exactly why you did it. So you must also learn what your triggers are for such a lapse in judgement. Was it drugs? Alcohol? Lust? Figure it and don't repeat it. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): Dont tell her. U Messed up. Maybe some things are better left unsaid.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (27 February 2012):
The first thing you have to do is work out why you did it. Were you totally drunk? Most married men at some time have the opportunity to have sex with another woman, but don't. So why did you?
I am not a great believer in the guilt and forgivness trip. You could own up to your wife and tell her what you did and ask for forgiveness. But, that would probably hurt your wife in so many ways. She doesn't deserve that and you probably don't deserve her forgiveness. If it was a moment of madness then learn how not to do it again, get tested for sti's and if all clear spend the rest of your life showing your wife how much you love her and making sure she never finds out what you did.
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