| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I know, I know, another porn question. I need advice especially from females who "get it". I guess I have quite a degree of insecurity. The thing is, I know my boyfriend loves me. I know he lies to make me feel better, because he swears and insists that I'm the smartest woman he knows (I know this just can't be true, but it's sweet that he goes out of his way to show his appreciation for my brains). Sadly, it's not the same with my looks. I know he watches porn, we're very open about that stuff. And I also know he likes the fake looking women in it.I asked for his opinion on them once, and he said that yes they're hot. I asked him what he thought about them compared to normal women, and he said "of course they're hotter than normal women". I asked him if that included me and he said "well yeah, they're hotter than you, but I love YOU for other reasons, plus I'll never meet them and they'd wouldn't look at me twice".I don't have a problem with porn, I also don't have a problem with him masturbating. There was a time in which he was into amateur porn exclusively, and I had no problem whatsoever with it, I'd even watch it with him. I guess the thing that worries me is that he likes fake looking women better. Because it may be "fantasy" but I'm sure if he could have a woman like those in porn with my brains and personality, he would. Not an actual porn star, but a porn star lookalike, someone with a beautiful face and voluptuous physique - I'm not stunning facially, and I have a practically curveless body (thin, no boobs, no ass) :(I know what you'll all say. That he chose me, he loves me, not them. But could that just be because I was the only one available at the time/place we met? That I was the only one to show interest? Of course there must be some degree of attraction from him to me, but... I don't know. I just don't feel as special and deep down I want what all women want: to be better than her man's fantasies. But I feel I'm not. I feel I'm relegated to always being "uglier than". Maybe he just couldn't get with someone hotter, plus, most women where I live aren't busty blondes, most look like me so it's not like he had much of a choice.When he was into amateur, the fear went away. I guess it is because it felt reassuring that he preferred to masturbate to normal women, that in a way, it showed that he gets more aroused by average, real life beauty than plastic fake crap. That my beauty was good enough. With fake porn, I feel like I compete with an unattainable ideal, something I'll never get to be, like I'll always be 2nd (or 3rd, o 100th) to that beauty ideal.Like one friend told me. Personality isn't meant to make people horny, looks are. And I know how important sex is to him. So I'm afraid he'll eventually find me ugly or grow tired with how I look, or that he'll be disappointed. There are studies which have proven guys feel less attracted to their partners after seeing images of "perfection". I just wish reality was more desirable than fake perfection. Even if he knows it's fake - his subconscious and penis can't tell the difference. And knowing I have a good personality doesn't make me feel special, because like my friend said, personality is not something that makes people horny (hence why it's not used in advertising and such). It's just a matter of seeing how guys can treat a hot woman way better than an average looking woman, even if the first is a bitch and the second is nice and smart.I know beauty isn't everything, but just like guys can't help wanting other women, I can't help wanting to be the most beautiful to my guy. And I feel like I'm not. I can't help comparing myself to these women, how can I get over this or at least stop it from affecting me? I need to get tips on how to stop caring and comparing myself, it feels impossible now. Like I said, it's not the porn itself that I mind, it's the beauty ideal that it portrays and that I fear my boyfriend also sees as ideal. Yeah, he thinks I'm the smartest woman, but that doesn't make me feel nearly as special as if he thought I was the most beautiful, sexiest and most desirable.
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male
reader, Beautifulboy  +, writes (28 October 2012):
i must say that all this relationship drama an insecurities people have to deal with that i dont have to deal with as much cuz unless a girl has a sickness or is SUPER SUPER SUPER INSECURE than theres no reason i should get cheated on by my gf unless i cheated cuz then i would deserve it but i would never do that cuz im way nicer an sensitive than alot of girls believe looking at my appearance. im sure your a great beautiful girl an my advise is to only deal with what you have to BUT deal with nothing that makes u unhappy. think about that ok
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): What I'm looking at is that you'd like to know how to get over this and how to stop it from affecting you... You can't and it won't. Why?? It's too far gone and that "little seed" has been planted in your mind. The statement he made to you was ignorant and unfeeling and that will float around in the back of your mind until it eats you alive; it's already doing that. Here's a question, are you really happy with your relationship? I feel that you are wavering and wondering and sure there's no doubt that the guy loves you but at the same time where is the respect,does he love you in the way you need him to? Which elements are missing? You already know what is missing for you. You see, he can't reassure you now that he's said and done what he has. The only person who can make you feel good about yourself and feel up to par and beautiful, desirable, confident or hot is you. I see you down talking yourself. Could it be that this relationship isn't working for you? Could it be that you may feel happier and better about YOU somewhere else? If he honestly feels that a woman with a fake tan, fake boobs, fake nails,coated in make up with an over used vagina who feels there's nothing more in life for her to do but get paid for people watching her get bent over is hotter than you...come on. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate. I think that you deep down are not okay with the porn he watches but you do your best to be a stand up partner who isn't going to bug him a whole lot about it. You make yourself #1- that's how it works. Don't ever allow yourself to feel second best to some used up pornstar. The art of allowing is an interesting thing..you are allowing yourself to be brought down with these thoughts swirling about. Why not allow yourself some real happiness? You do deserve it. What are the steps you need to take? Sure you could say to him eventually "hey the porn you are watching and masturbating to is making me feel less than, I feel ugly and like I'll never be as hot in your eyes" etc.. Is it really going to change anything? Will that seed that was planted be eliminated?I doubt it. I see a guy who can't appreciate what he's got and lives in fantasy land..who has been disrespectful to another's feelings and has sent out something that can't be undone now. Words are weapons...please stand up for yourself and regard yourself as a strong, confident, worthy and amazing woman who is real, that's step one. Love yourself. I wish you all of the luck and love and happiness in the world.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): I'm not gonna lie, i only read up untill this -
"of course they're hotter than normal women". I asked him if that included me and he said "well yeah, they're hotter than you, but I love YOU for other reasons, plus I'll never meet them and they'd wouldn't look at me twice".
Guy sounds like an asshole, you deserve better. Seriously, as a porn watching guy, not all guys think like that. This guys coming off as a dick from what i read here. I've been in love before and I would've picked that girl over any pornstar on the planet, whether I met them and had a chance with them or not. Shit if miranda kerr confessed her undying love for me, I would've turned her down. I'm sure others would disagree but to me that girl really was the most beautiful. I didn't fall in love with her because, to paraphrase what your boyfriend said "ill never meet those pornstars and i wouldnt have a shot with them anyway". What a douche, you dont love someone because you dont think you could do better.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (1 October 2011):
 Well there are a lot of reasons a woman may feel she has no other options. To preface, this isn't all women in the industry and contains large generalizations just so the post isn't incredibly long. It's just to get an idea.
Firstly some women are drug dependent and don't feel they can stop/seek help for it. They feel this will a) be more accepted in that industry (it will) and b) pay more than minimum wage to support that habit. Some women also began in prostitution as young teens and take it as a way to try to escape street prostitution. Some women have children who they can't get enough money for in minimum wage jobs. There's also the impact that sexual abuse has on this. In that there is a hugely disproportionate number of women who have experienced sexual abuse in the industry and feel that porn/prostitution is either a safe way to try to gain control over what happened (unfortunately it's not a healthy way to get over what happened), or feel that this is what their body is for and how they should be treated by men.
Of course there are women who just think it would be a good way to make money, but there are many who felt they had no other options.
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female
reader, HappyPlace  +, writes (27 September 2011):
 Fair point Person12345 and thank you for pointing this out to me. I have used the words mutt, skank etc and you are right, this is probably not helpful. Where we disagree however is the person's choice. Anyone choosing this profession for a quick buck has made a shockingly bad decision and yes there are other options. Under what circumstance would the woman "have no other option" apart from illegal trafficking? We've all been down on our luck or skint at times, but not everyone chooses to sell themselves!
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female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (27 September 2011):
 I agree with the others who say leave your bf. You do deserve better. Might i just add though, not every single guy who watches porn is like that. My hubby watches sometimes (note i mean a few times a month if that) but he tells me every day that i'm beautiful, gorgeous, etc and has admitted he doesnt find porn women attractive. When he does watch something, its a short thing to get one off quickly and he still wants me later anyway. After 3yrs he still gets turned on by me changing in front of him or the merest touch of my breast against him. He does make me feel like a sex goddess and that i'm the most attractive woman around every day. And i'm due to give birth to our first child any day now and he still wants me almost every day and still gets turned on that quickly... So not every guy who views or has viewed porn is an arse and nor will they treat you like second best. I know i'm first in my hubbys eyes and you deserve that too
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (26 September 2011):
A quick note though, can we stop referring to women in porn as skanks and sluts and bitches? Part of the problem with pornography is that it presents women in porn in subhuman/things and when we call them fake, sluts, skanks, and overall refer to them as disgusting, even if it's for different reasons than what you'd get from watching porn it buys into the same idea. Women in porn are human, they are not in porn to be mean or because they want to steal our partners. Many of them are in it because they had no other options.
However, it's incredibly important to note that the image of these women is fake. It is a carefully constructed character who behaves and looks extremely different from how that woman looks when she's say, out grocery shopping or even when she's having sex outside work. There is a team of people there making sure the lighting, camera angles, make-up, positions, hair, pubic hair, etc... is all exactly in the right position to look and behave exactly how they want. It's not real and nothing in real life will ever look like that.
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female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (26 September 2011):
Person12345 is right, the guys answering this question must have spent years wanking to a particular "type" of woman and they now think they are hotter!! Yuckk!!! You see these guys are the ones not worth bothering about. Has anyone ever seen a shot of Pamela Anderson without her makeup - it's scary! I saw a vampire movie with Jenna Jameson in it and I've never seen such a scrawny mutt with ridiculously oversized breasts!! Anyone heard of airbrushing???? These poor guys think "fake" beauty is where it is at. How sad for them!! You remember the songs "Big Yellow Taxi" and "Fake Plastic Trees". Songs about people replacing real things with fake things and how eventually they want the real thing back!! You need to pity these men, but it doesn't mean you have to stay with one. Have the courage to leave your bf and tell him that you hope his hand and the computer have a long and happy life together. Good luck x
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 September 2011):
So leave. It's an incredible double standard. Most guys would feel awful knowing they were second best and probably wouldn't put up with being told to deal with it because it's "normal." It's just another one of many examples of women having to be in pain to satisfy male libido/ego. You deserve to find someone who does find you to be beautiful, not second to women he's never even met (who you are right, are real somewhere).
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 September 2011):
 OP, has it ever crossed your mind that there 's a very simple solution to your quandary ?
If you HATE having sex with a guy who thinks your body is sub par to that of some plastic fake slut- then don't. Stop having sex with him. If you don't like sharing your real breasts with a guy who prefers silicon blobs anyway- then don't share them. Who's forcing you ??
Stop dating a porn addict and get yourself a totally porn-free partner ( yes, they DO exist ! ) or at least someone in whose life porn does not loom so large to shape all his preferences and desires. Some regular guy who maybe watches porn occasionally in lack of the real thing, when you aren't available. Or for a quick, absent minded wank when he's too physically tired to make love to you properly.
In other words, someone not so besotted with porn and porn
stars like your boyfriend.
If having sex with him makes you feel miserable about yourself- just stop. Doing , of your own choice and will, something that makes you angry and frustrated , and keeping complaining about how angry and frustrated it makes you, sounds pointless and self defeating.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): I'm the OP again...Ok, I guess this is a matter in which there is no common ground. I, personally (I don't want to speak for other women) hate the thought of having sex with someone who thinks my body is sub par to some plastic fake slut. I don't like the idea of sharing my breasts, my real breasts, with someone who thinks blobs of silicone enhance the appearance of a small pair. I don't like the idea that some fake slut on a screen turns him on faster than my naked body on his own bed. That just because he doesn't interact witht them, it's ok to find them more arousing. I might as well just be his friend then. If all I'm good for is to provide a nice personality, company and a shoulder to cry on, then I say, I might as well just be his friend. If you take sex out of a love relationship, what do you get? Something that resembles a friendship. Which is OK, but I'm a woman, I have feelings and SEXUAL FEELINGS AND NEEDS, and one of those needs is to feel wanted and to feel like I'm no.1, and not just because I have a "nice personality". Contrary to romance novel characters, porn stars are real. They are out there, they have their lives. There are women who resemble porn stars (um, strippers, escorts?) so they are more attainable than a romance novel character, who is nothing more than words on a piece of paper. Porn stars exist, men from romance novels do not. A guy can go and pay to have sex with an escort, it will probably leave him very light on cash, but he can have sex with his fantasy woman. That's what's threatening about this... a guy can go out of his way, but he CAN GET HIS FANTASY. And that leaves, at least me, thinking, then what's good about sex with me? That it's free? I know I'm short changing men and generalising a great deal here, but I HAVE FEELINGS, just like men do! And like I said, personally, I don't like the thought of being with someone who thinks Jenna Jameson or whatever is more beautiful than me, because then what's the point of sharing MY body and being vulnerable to someone who'd prefer I have fish lips, ballons on my chest and the labia of a 10 year old.But I guess we just think differently, and what matters more is that he loves you, it doesn't matter if he spends time masturbating and wanting other women, as long as he puts up with my shit and loves my personality. I't might sound stupid and like a surprise to you, but some of us want to feel like sex goddesses to you, not like a substitute for the perfect woman you'll never penetrate. Yeah being loved for your personality is great, but it's not the only requirement to make a woman feel good in a relationship, at least not for me.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 September 2011):
Yeah all this stuff about settling and such is pretty pathetic. I pity anyone you winds up with. My boyfriend does not look at porn. And surprise, surprise, I never ever feel like he really wants to be with someone else. He tells me that he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world at least a few times a month and just plain beautiful pretty much daily, and melts into a puddle of goo when he says it.
This is one of those sad instances where people have retrained their brain from too many hours spent looking at porn and wanking. An orgasm is an incredibly powerful tool. When you orgasm to a particular sex act/body type over and over, you tell your brain this is what good sex is. Of course it's going to be a let down when you've programmed your brain to find porn stars the ideal of beauty to come back to your wife or girlfriend who is a different type of beauty. Is it because one is actually better than the other? No, it's because you've spent years and years and years reinforcing that image with orgasms saying this is what hot is. The most repeated study on porn use found that after being shown porn for a month, porn users rated their partner's sexual curiosity, the frequency of sex, and their partner's appearance significantly lower than before.
I'm not saying this based solely on opinion, I'm saying it based on thousands of anecdotes, multiple extremely respected scientific studies, and my own experience as someone who used to watch a lot of porn. So maybe if you're feeling like your sex life sucks and your partner isn't as hot as you'd like you should stop having orgasms to other people.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): For all you women out there (including the OP of this question), no, you don't have to just "accept" it and "move on", because not every guy out there likes the plastic look. There are descent men out there who don't, and are actually disgusted by it. The "men" who say "every guy does it, get used to it" are simply assuming that the way they think is the way every man thinks. And that's nothing other than an ignorant, selfish attitude talking so stop listening to them! All they're trying to do is make you think it's "normal" so you will put up with it.If you look hard enough and don't settle, you will find one. I did. I'm sure many guys will bash me for writing this and say things like "your husband is like us, he just lies to make you feel better" (even if not on this thread, then in their mind). But guess what? I really don't care, and I can tell my husband definitely does NOT find women like that arousing. He actually finds them quite unappealing, because not only does he know they are fake, but they're also very generic. You can hardly go anywhere (at least in the U.S.) nowadays without seeing a bleached blonde, fake tanned girl with big boobs. To all you "men" who honestly believe that a generic porn woman with big fake boobs and no labia look better than a natural woman: you might as well buy a barbie doll, take her clothes off, and jerk off over her, because looking at a porn woman is really no different.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011): Cupid Boy for the win.
His response sums up your situation.
Read it. Absorb it. Accept it. Move on.
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male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (22 September 2011):
 Fantasy will always be "better" than reality: Romance novels are more exciting than real romance, just as fantasy adventures are more thrilling than everyday life. If this weren't so, no one would read novels, play videogames, go to movies, or vacation at Disneyworld, because real life would be so much better. "Fake" beauty is "better" than real in the sense that a sunset in "Avatar" looks better than ones you see in the real sky. In the fantasy world, perfection is attainable, whether it be the perfect relationship, perfect sex, or the perfect mate. But it's still just fantasy -- a nice place to visit, not to live in.
In a romance novel I've read, the love interest was a guy built like a Calvin Klein model, with brains to match and spectacular skills in the bedroom. Partway through the story, it's revealed that he is secretly a billionaire. Does this mean women find such outlandishly unreal men to be more attractive than real guys? Of course it does. There's a reason these books feature "hairless pecs bulging from almost every cover, misty castles in the background, and unsheathed swords grasped by virile hands" instead of someone who resembles the average husband. Romance novels didn't become a billion-dollar industry by giving readers what they already have.
Yes, porn stars are born beautiful; but anyone at the very top of their field, from Olympic athletes to chess grandmasters, was born to do what they do. A genetically average person couldn't win a gold medal even if they spent every waking moment in training. Beauty-wise, supermodels are the equivalent of Olympians, representing the supreme elite in physical perfection, with porn stars close behind. Their body parts are insured for millions of dollars. If you want to be told you are technically and aesthetically more perfect than supermodels and porn stars, then you're asking to be lied to.
You didn't ask your bf whether he loved porn stars more, you asked who looks hotter. Is there any "right" answer to that? It's like him asking, "Do you think the stars on Cribs are richer than me?" or "Do you think Robert Pattinson is more successful than me?" It would be impossible to answer those convincingly with a lie, but the truth wouldn't sound good either.
If you consistently feel second-best to porn stars, I think it's either because he would rather spend time with them than with you which is dysfunctional... or it has more to do with what's going on in your mind, with your perceptions and insecurities. Maybe you are selling him short by thinking all he cares about are looks, and that that is the most important thing to him. Contrary to media depictions, guys are more complex and discerning than that. You could be selling yourself short too and thinking looks are all you have to offer. Remember, there are much more beautiful women out there who've left a trail of disastrous and short-lived relationships behind them, seemingly unable to hold onto a man. So looks aren't everything.
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female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (22 September 2011):
I am trying to think up an analogy that best suits! Imagine you were with a partner, that say, had a small penis and was quite insecure about this. Now imagine that you kept wanking to porn of guys with enormous cocks, who could go for hours and potentially would give you a good, satisfying rogering. Do you think your partner, on discovering your wanking habits, would feel great that you singled out guys with BIG COCKS. Would he think it was fantasy, or do you think this would make him insecure about his own weaner? If a man says he understands this is fantasy, I say BS! Your man would be gutted. Now, lets reverse this situation to perhaps a woman feeling slightly insecure about her body! It's really no different.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): As far as i can see cupid boy has it pretty much spot on."But Cupid Boy, why does fake beauty have to be better than real beauty? "It's not better, it's just different. When looking at porn most men will see it as something to focus on to bring them to climax more quickly or to make it more satisfying, if you were to look at what could be the hottest women you ever layed your eyes on whilst masturbating then you're making it a fantasy to enhance the experience (a bit like how some people will fantasize about other people during real sex, at least this way you're not outright suggesting that the fantasy you have whilst watching porn is better than the sex you are currently having with said partner).for me and i am sure most other men will realise that the fantasy of watching porn disappears instantly after climax, because the pornstar doesn't interact with you, they are just there to do their job and they don't have any real interest in it.If my GF was watching porn (which she doesn't) i wouldn't be offended in the slightest if she said she prefered the looks of these guys because i know these guys are douchbags, usually womanisers, sexist pigs who enjoy humiliating women because they can get away with it.If your man tells you that he finds them physically more attractive then you then read it word for word about what he just said, not what you think he meant.You know in your head if you are physically more atractive in general then other people but some people are so insecure they have to twist how people see porn as a direct insult to those insecurities.as far as i can see your man is being honest to you and you're making it much more of a big deal than it is because of your insecurities about how YOU think you look when compared to these women.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): Here's the truth, from a guy, no B.S. and to the point:
There are going to be people in this world out there hotter than you - whether they're online, in movies, on TV or walking down the street. Sure people will say 'but he loves you!' and 'you're the only one for him', but truth be told, there's over 6.5 billion people on the planet and love for one person can't stop a guy from getting a boner after seeing a pretty face.
The best, and only thing you can do, is accept it, move on, and be grateful you're with someone who loves you - live in the moment.
Cheers!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2011): But Cupid Boy, why does fake beauty have to be better than real beauty? Shouldn0t the reverse be true? I think comparing athletic prowess to porn star looks is off base, because those are completely different things, athletic prowess is something you can work on. And it's something few people are concerned about. But looks is something you're born with unless you cheat and spend a lot on surgery, and it's also something that is expected and even demanded from women. Real women have feelings and we want to be told we're beautiful and better than a porn star. I just don't see why I have to always feel second best to someone who doesn't even look like that naturally. Someone who doesn't nurture him in the way I do. Someone who doesn't even know he exists.
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female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (22 September 2011):
 I know exactly how you feel. I used to feel that way too. But, here's the thing...looks aren't everything. And yes, he may think those women are hotter than you, but you were asking about looks not the whole package. Do those women make him laugh the way you do? Do they rub his back, or hold him, when he's had a bad day? Do they make him feel like without them his life would be incomplete? I'm guessing no. You obviously have the whole package or he wouldn't be with you. I understand the way you feel, I have felt that way before too. But after countless arguments, my man finally explained it in a way that made sense. "Those women aren't you. They don't have that going for them." I don't know if that helps, but I'm pretty sure most men who watch porn would think that.
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reader, Cupid Boy +, writes (21 September 2011):
The harsh reality is that everyone settles. If you could choose between your boyfriend or someone with all his good qualities who was also a billionaire and never watched porn, which would you pick? In the end, everyone settles for the best they can get.
By asking him whether professional porn stars are hotter than you, what did you expect? Might as well ask, "Do you think those Olympic gymnasts are more athletic than me?" or "Are those champions on Jeopardy smarter than me?" Unless your profession is full-time model, actress, or porn star, you can't compete on that level. But consider that your bf knows NOTHING about who those porn stars really are. If you had to compare your guy to some handsome stranger you knew nothing about -- he could be an unemployed wife beater, for all you know -- how meaningful would your answer be?
"Personality isn't meant to make people horny, looks are". Since when? I've known people who were not so good-looking, but their personalities made them very attractive. And also physically gorgeous people who lost all appeal once their personalities came out. A porn star is easy to like because her personality and values remain unknown and viewers are free to imagine them however they like. If the porno has a story, they are usually portraying "normal" people. But in reality, I think the drug use, promiscuity, mental instability, and immorality common to those girls would be highly unattractive, and no amount of good looks could make up for it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 September 2011):
 Porn stars don't look like porn stars in real life... i swear you probably shop with some....
and he does think you are beautiful and smart and perfect for HIM.
my boyfriend when we met and started our then "affair" told me I was NOT his type and he did not find me attractive physically and it was the same thing for me about him. But his brain liked my brain and my brain liked his and we continued spending time together.
NOW, i'm beautiful and smart, and clever and while I'm no young Asian porn babe with faux titties.. I'm beautiful to HIM.... and to be honest HE's ALL that matters when it comes to what other people think.... so LISTEN to your man... YOU are REAL and you are pretty and smart and perfect TO and FOR him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): You are insecure because he is making you insecure. "I asked him if that included me and he said "well yeah, they're hotter than you, but I love YOU for other reasons, plus I'll never meet them and they'd wouldn't look at me twice"."That's not a nice or appropriate thing to say when you are in a relationship. I don't know if he is just clueless or plain insensitive. I don't know. But I can see that your insecurities stem from his insensitivity. Assuming he is around your age he may just be young and clueless. Either way clearly you are not happy with the way he is making you feel. I am sure you are beautiful. There is no point sitting around debating whether a porn star is better looking than an "average" woman. To each his own. The point is that a mature guy will make you feel gorgeous, nothing less, and wouldn't be comparing you to anybody.Men that age are very hormonal and often don't say or think the right things. I wouldn't be happy in a relationship like that...but it's your call. I think you can do better.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): nice to see the standard sterotypical answers from women who think they know why a man acts like he does and that porn to a man is different than porn to a woman.maybe back in the early 90's that's how it used to be but things have changed a little from then.I AM a porn addict (i'm not assuming your boyfriend as an addict since you only mentioned he like porn, not that he was addicted to it) and let me tell you, porn is boring.....boring as hell, it's there to satisfy a quick itch and for a quick fantasy. there's no connection to it in my mind to what i really want out of my girlfriend and i doubt it ever will. I've watched outtakes and behind the scenes and i know the porn industry is pretty damn harsh to most women and that most of the pornstars don't really like their 'job' because it is a job and there's only a few stars who really enjoy but they obviously get treated differently.when i'm masturbating though i usually feel like a robot, just there to get the job done and i imagine it's the same for your fella, if he is an addict and you took it all away he would probably get over it and it wouldn't bother him that much because it's not an alternative to sex, it's something either additional or something very different.I don't masturbate instead of making love to my girlfriend nor do i put it off because it's easier or quicker, sometimes guys (and women) just want to masturbate and it's not even like it's a real thing.when me and my girlfriend are in foreplay i don't think (wow, i wish i was having a quick wank on my own right now and i certainly don't think about any pornstar because i know it's so fake).I wouldn't worry about what you think he thinks as even if you were the most physically perfect woman he would most likely feel the same way that you are feeling, that there's someone better to suit his partner, that he doesn't deserve you, that he is inadequate compared to you and there's loads of other guys that you would prefer.i'm sure you could imagine or fantisise better look men than your partner, if he asked you what kinda men you prefer the look of and you gave him an answer that he didn't like do you not think he would feel the same way?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): Guys are very visual--initially. It does not sound like you are unattractive. Being sexy is actually very cerebral. Guys get lured in by looks but wit on the part of the female keeps them around. Get a makeover/work-out and do something to help you feel more attractive. I disagree with your friend re: the personality part. I love a female with a sharp wit and confidence.
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reader, HappyPlace +, writes (21 September 2011):
You say you are OK with porn but it is clear from your post that you are not, and it is causing issues in your relationship! From all the posts that we have had on porn, men do single out the porn stars (sometimes to imagine them when they are making love to you). They probably have their favourites and seek them out! It's a dangerous road to go down and you need to give your man an ultimatum. Some men aren't as discerning as women so they do find those bimbo babes HOT, regardless of whether some of them can't string a sentence together. I have to have all the goodies, a really smart guy but with looks as well (luckily I have this). It's always the smart guy though that will get my attention over and above looks. Look at Beyonce and JZee. She could have anyone she wanted but she's with JZee, who is not the best looking person on the planet by far!! Show me a really hot guy on TV who is with a plain chick?? It happens, but not often! Someone commented before that it's not the women moaning about porn and who don't want it in their lives who are insecure; the insecure women are the ones that allow this crap in their lives because they feel they don't deserve any better, or are afraid to confront their men! Would you feel better about yourself if you knew your BF was not visiting porn sites?? If the answer is yes, then stand up for yourself and ask him to stop!!
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reader, KittieS +, writes (21 September 2011):
 There was an interesting question, as to whether if a man was asked to choose between porn and his SO what would he chooseNearly all said - their SO, would they say to a loving partner who wanted to have sex with them "sorry, I'm going off to watch porn instead" good guys, real men all said NO chance, I'd rather feel my loving GF/Partner/wife than watch porn anyday. Does that mean they don't watch it... More than likely not, but that's fantasy, stimulation to get them in mood.I know my BF has dirty magazines somewhere (actually I find it a little funny, don't know why I just do - maybe because I know in my heart I'm way better than that - saggy thirty year old butt to boot) I know he would pick me anytime over that, so guess I'm comfortable with it, and let's face it these girls aren't real, they are just like the other posted said chilli dogs!What I do find upsetting, and my BF would be kicked out my bed in an instant if he said they were "hotter" than me - how cruel and insensitive, I really felt for you reading that.Tell him it hurts you, if he cares he will choose to stop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): It was brutal of your partner to be so honest with you. He certainly didn't think about sparing your feelings, did he! Which might have been kinder of him, especially if he knew you have some insecurities.He has told you these women are sexier/better looking than you..in his opinion. That is because he is shallow and only seeing them as sex objects. He thinks he will never meet one of them and even if he did, they wouldn't look at him twice. So that is some comfort. Albeit cold comfort. It is his oafish way of reassuring you...that you are safe because he doesn't think one of them would want him. He wishes!If his preference for a different physical type has left you feeling that he is just 'settling' for you. Then you could ask him to continue being honest and tell you if he is really serious about you. Or just wasting your time because he thinks his 'ideal' type is unobtainable. You sound as if you need a man who is more sensitive to your feelings, makes you feel secure, desires you and ONLY has eyes for you. Such partners do exist. I think you and your partner might both be settling for less than you want.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 September 2011):
 It's easy to understand why women cringe at their B/Fs watching and reacting to porn. Who wouldn't????The issue here is 'way less your's than it is his.... Why?YOU, can put an end to this matter any time you wish.. simply by walking away from this guy. You can put on your "big girl" panties, puff out your chest, take a deep breath and say, "Well,... I'm away from that... AND I'm quite comfortable that there really IS a nice guy out there for me... AND I'M GOING TO FIND HIM." Then, proceed to do that....HE, has that fantasy/passion about him... and it will cripple him and undermine his attempts to have a REAL relationship with a REAL woman for as long as he allows this unhealthy fantasy to dominate his life and available time...Soooo, count your blessings, and be on with life.Good luck....
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reader, dougbcoll +, writes (21 September 2011):
 from a man,s perspective a porn star can't hold a candle to a real WOMAN ! i don,t need to watch a cheap, easy, silicon boobed,potential std carrier , that will screw everything that will have her. i prefer along with outer beauty something called inner beauty also, the complete woman. besides nice look,s her own individual personality , trait,s that make her the woman she is. now that,s a turn on! i,m afraid your boyfriend is self centered, and need,s to wake up.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (21 September 2011):
 You know, first of all, your boyfriend is a porn addict. Have you seen these porn women?? "Hot" isn't how I'd describe them at all with their wildebeest fake moaning, their pained look while being penetrated, and their vacuous eyes.
Also, your friend who told you that personality doesn't make men horny?? Tell that to Sandra Bullock, Halle Berry, Elin Nordegren, Maria Shriver and the multitude of other drop dead smoking hot gorgeous perfect women who get cheated on by their husbands -- and usually with skanky or unattractive women who couldn't hold a candle to them. (i.e. Bombshell McGee? Huh???)
They have the epitome of trophy wives, yet they go snack down on easy women. Why? It's definitely not because they're better looking! It's not because they're more successful. It's because those guys are sex addicts who can't help tapping into whatever's in front of them.
I've used this analogy before in similar questions, but let's put it a different way:
Let's say the porn he's snacking down on is like a chili dog. You know, unhealthy, who knows what's in 'em, full of fat, grease, and sodium. A chili dog with all the fixings has sent many a diner running to the rest room with nasty gut aches.
On the other hand, say that you are a Top Shelf gourmet Filet Mignon and Lobster. People eat this meal slowly, relishing every mouth-watering succulent bite. It takes hours to prepare a meal like this, and people dress up to go spend hundreds of dollars to enjoy something so high class.
So, if you're filet mignon, and porn stars are the chili dogs, would you say that the filet is better or worse than the chili dog?? YES! Better! Of course! All that's in hot dogs is lips and toenails, right??
But that doesn't stop some guy from snacking on a chili dog at a ball game. Sure, he'll spend the night moaning on the toilet, but for whatever reason, he just wants to snack on it.
Now, to bring that home, your boyfriend his spending his sexual appetite on porn crap, which is also full of lips and toenails, by the way! It takes no effort to watch the Plastic bombshells gyrate, moan, and overact while getting all of their orifices stuffed with whatever.
This makes him too tired and not hungry for the real deal. What he's saying is -- porn stars are LESS EFFORT. Easy to rub one off watching a video rather than work to please their woman.
Porn is no comparison to you. Trust me on this. Your boyfriend is a bonehead who is too busy snacking on crap. There is no comparison. Personality with looks is EVERYTHING. Your guy is just addicted to porn. He needs to appreciate you more and close his computer browser or remote control, because for him to even utter that a porn star is hotter than the woman who loves him is a damn fool.
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reader, hollyrocket613 +, writes (21 September 2011):
I understand where you're coming from completely. I feel that way at times when it comes to my relationship but to be honest, he really did choose you. Relationship are more than just "I see you. Let's date." They take time to build. Out of ALL the women in the world, both real and fake, you were special enough for him to make you HIS.The fact that he looks at you for who YOU are says so much more. Sure he can say "oh she's hot," but you don't see him saying "you know what, she is really smart." Your boyfriend clearly loves, cares about, and appreciates you. Don't let Blondie Fake Tits be a competition for you because in the end, you've got a man while they just have the possibility of STD's (: You're beautiful both inside and out, don't let anyone tell you differently.
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