A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am married. I began to have feelings for another man who is also married. He approached me for a relationship but I said nothing, not wanting to hurt him but also not wanting him to know about my feelings. I just could not bring myself to betray my husband who is a kind loving man. I know a new love is exciting and fun but I figured t wasn't a fair competition for my husband so I boughed out. It has killed me as I have deep feelings for this man. He has met someone else now and seems quite happy. I now feel like what was a deep connection was just a man who felt some chemistry and saw an opportunity. It hurts. I'm doing my best to get over him and remain loyal to my husband but now I'm grieving in a private hell. Any considerate suggestions would be appreciated.
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female
reader, Twirly  +, writes (17 April 2008):
 Ahh, I really feel for you. This phase will pass, you've been awfully brave and it sounds like you'll look back and see this as having had a lucky escape from this guy.
Wishing you loads of love and strength and hope you feel better soon. x x x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was just reading over the pearls of wisdom people offered unconditionally and I have to tell you I must be a very lucky person to have encountered all of you. A lot of you really opened your heart about your own experiences and I truly thankyou because it has helped. Incidently I think man in question is already tiring of current and sniffing around for another opportunity, "want's what he can't have" as one of you pointed out. I've worked out this has happened before with other women but I thought current relationship was different, which is what hurt so much. I still wonder what might have been and could I be different but that's my heart talking not my head. I doubt this leopard is changing his spots in the long term even though he is unhappy himself, so I'll heed your advice and persevere with husband in the hope this ghastly stage will be over sooner than later. Love to all
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): I also commend you for not having the affair. I think you need to know that you can start telling your brain, that your feelings were more of an infatuation about being desired and pursued than it is about appreciating any integrity and virtue in this other married man, which he lacked. Here he is, deceiving his own wife with another woman after you turned him down. So what does this say about the inherent quality of his character? I think you did the best thing, bowing out. I think you realized the potential devastating consequences of what he wanted from you was to much of a sacrifice in order to be....just adored? You have a good, kind loving man at home. Learn from this and open you eyes and perhaps your heart to the man you married. Good luck and stay strong.
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A
female
reader, Twirly +, writes (11 April 2008):
Hi again,
Suggesting something may be missing in your marriage wasn't intended to be a criticism, simply an observation of how the sparkle can sometimes wane in a long term relationship.
I think it's commendable of you to want to stick at your marriage and make it work, and Im sure this rough patch will pass soon.
You've asked for ways to help with the grieving, and I can recommend the usual things like keeping busy, spending time with friends, perhaps confiding in best friends if you're able to. It may sound a bit cliche but these things can really help. I think it's going to take time but in the meantime pampering yourself and doing as many feelgood things as you can should help make you feel better.
Good luck x x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the time and effort people put in to respond to me. As many suggested I am focusing on my marriage more so now and realise that I was vulnerable at the time. For those that suggested something's missing in my marriage I say to them after 14 years give me a perfect marriage and I'll give you a relationship that's taken conscious hard work to get there. There is no perfect in relationships just a decision about whether to stick it out or not based on whether, someone's right for you, loves you and has common goals etc....It's harder to stay and choose the less "fun" option, believe me but I intend to do just that. Thanks again, any new insights about getting over the grief would be appreciated.
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A
female
reader, Twirly +, writes (10 April 2008):
Hey Sweetie,
I think it is really brave of you to have faced up to these feelings but to have not acted upon them.
My advice would be to have a really good look atyour current relationship and at whether or not it is fulfilling you as it should. I suspect the feelings for the other man are due to underlying issues in your marriage, so my advice would be to work out what they are and then deal with thm.
If you were to find that you no longer want to married, then there's nothing to stop you starting all over again and meeting somebody else, but you did the right thing in not starting up with someone else while still with your husband. The heartache that would have caused would have been huge, for all concerned and you've saved yourself a whole loads of trouble there.
Good luck and try to stay positive, your feelings for this man will fade in time, even though Im sure they're very strong right now.
You did the right thing, so keep that in mind Sweetheart.
Loads of love xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, but it rarely is. Maybe you can do something to really jumpstart your marriage and put these feelings behind you. I have had the same feelings and I think it is just the excitement of something new and different. I think when you really sit down and look at what you have to loose, it may not look quite as good. good luck
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female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (10 April 2008):
 I think there have been some excellant answers on here, especially eddie and miss anonymous. I will not reiterate what they have said because they said it so well. I will only add this:
One reason that you are feeling so sad is that he has moved on. When he was attracted to you you felt beautiful, desirable and wanted. This felt GOOD. You liked it and basked in it. While you did the right thing and turned him down you did not want those lovely feelings of being so desirable to go away. Now that he has moved his attentions elsewhere you are feeling less desirable, less beautiful and somewhat rejected. You want him to want you, even if you would never move forward on a relationship with him because you know how wrong it is. Obviously you know that this man is not worth all your mooning. He is married, wanted to have an affair with you and when you didnt moved on until he found some poor, misguided sot who would fall for his charms. He is so not worth it! But he made you feel lovely, and you miss that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): Taking what you wrote, it seems to me you have a clear understanding on what happened so I am not sure what you are looking for here by writing in...except some sympathy for your feelings.
You made a common mistake that women tend to make when chosing a man, and that is the danger of a connection.
What that connection is usually is your intense feelings of attraction, longing and yes you feel you can talk easily to him, but the danger part is this, you mistake your intense feelings for reality, before you have time to shus him out (figure him out, what his motives are, where he is at in his life, if he is a dangerous loser and yes if he is married and off limits) you have gone stupid. You have become so infatuated and into your own fantasy about this great love affair the two of your are going to have, that reality has flown out the window.
You are married, you would be best to turn your attention towards your husband, your marriage and your family....something is missing in your life to have been vulnerable to this man's attentions...figure out what that is, is it you? Do you need some better goals for yourself, a more interesting job, or more fulfilling career, or do you want to stay home with your kids, etc?
The reason you are hurting is just as you say, he wasn't what you thought, the connection was not there, just another married man looking for some sex with no strings attached, and he is frankly a jerk....feel sorry for the girl he moved onto, he obviously doesn't care about fidelity and her heartache is only a few months down the road.
Your broken heart is about longing for something that never was, it is just your feelings playing a trick on your head....get a grip and get back to your own life and avoid this (office ?)romeo like the plague, or find a new job.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (10 April 2008):
 Attractions will come and go. Some are stronger than others too. This is normal but can also be very painful to your partner should he find out. Actually, he may ave had his own at some point.
You're lucky that you've identified your feelings. It is OK to have had them but it is not OK to dwell on them. Unless you would have left your kind, loving husband, this was going nowhere. The nerve of a person to approach a married person looking for an affair, seems a little vulgar too. I would imagine your "hidden" feelings were not as hidden as you've indicated. There may have been some flirting going on and signals given.
You let your feelings get out of control because, and I'm guessing, that you tried convincing yourself you could "just" hang out with the guy because you would never cheat. That in itself is actually cheating because you knew his feelings as well as your own. In other words, if you go out with the ladies for a drink and you meet a really nice, handsome guy, that is an innocent coincidence. If you happen to find out where he lives and you start walking your dog past his front door every day, that is calculated and the innocence is lost. Then it becomes mental cheating. I'm guessing before you told this other guy you couldn't have an affair, you might have basked in the attention for a while. It is understandable and doesn't make you evil either. It is a sign though that you need to work on your marriage. It's very difficult to get all your needs met by one person, especially after many years. One can only hope that a husband and wife don't ever fall out of love at the same time. We all have thoughts and points we ponder. The big picture is that you have a loving husband. Cherish and enrich what you have.
By the way, even if your husband was a jerk, that wouldn't justify cheating. Always take the high road. People often get weak and do not do things in the right order. They find new lovers before they get rid of the old ones. Or, before they repair their marriage. It is not worth the pain.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 April 2008):
 You should be thankful that your marriage is still intact.
If you had bitten that forbidden fruit , your life would have been bitter .
You have reached the bottom of this episode and you should now come back to your marriage and work at it.
Think of the first time you fell in love with him and refocus all your energies on him and your marriage.
You cannot change him but if you change back to your old self, he will change too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): Hi there hope I can help in some way. I am a little younger than you but I made the mistake of acting on my feelings - and I had an affair with a man who I had very very deep feelings for. A real connection. He was also married and had children and as a result it was a one way street I'm afraid but I could not see it. Thats because I could not (or would not) accept the reality. My husband didn't deserve to be cheated on in fact nobody does. This man used me for sex and in effect wanted the bits that were missing from his marriage. I was at his beck and call always available to suit him. Maybe I did too but those missing bits for me were emotion driven and not physical. That is the trouble and looking back now I can see it so clearly. You are fortunate because you have realised now, what I realised too late. Be glad for that. You feel empty now because the anticipation, the fantasy almost that you wrapped up with your own sense of value and esteem has gone. You need to re-build yourself for yourself and I can only suggest (from my own experience) in throwing yourself into activity to distract yourself - something like a charity work or sport or interest where you feel a sense of achievement or challenge and meet new people. I started volunteering and I felt worth something again. The affair made me feel negative. I got used and after a year I was destroyed mentally and acutely depressed. A man that cannot or will not reciprocate your feelings will never make you happy. You have a chance now to reflect on what it was that stimulated so much about this man and assess your marriage. Far from being negative it could be a springboard to something better with your husband. If you are in a rut - only you and he can dig yourselves out of it.
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A
female
reader, angelina-katey +, writes (10 April 2008):
 u deserves to be happy if u realy love ur husband and does not want to hurt him keep ur mouth shut and take what u want
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A
female
reader, ninjalove +, writes (10 April 2008):
 Ok hun you need to let your feeling out but if you think it's going mess up your marriage write them down on paper,Then you have a few things you can do with it.You can give the guy you like the note to let him know.You can burn the note(it works for me).Or you can sit your husband and tell him about how you feel about this other man(make sure you tell him that you do love him and you still want to be his wife and that you thought he had the right to know about this guy).Things might get a little out of hand but if you two really love one another you'll make it threw this.He has right to know about your feeling.Not telling him and him finding out for himself is going to be worse because you were hiding things from him(its a type of lying).When you keep things from people it always hurt more in the end even if you think it's the right thing to do.You can't hid it forever.Just enplane yourself it's not easy but it's the right thing to do.
I know you might not listen to a word I say because I'm a "kid" but I think you should.
I'm sorry about the hell your going threw
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A
female
reader, angelina-katey +, writes (10 April 2008):
she should leave herself open to explore other possibilities. if her husban is loving but she is interested in another then there is something missing. perhaps she should understand that she does not need a husband but only to fill a need that he cant
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A
male
reader, quarky +, writes (10 April 2008):
 Hey there! Well I posted a very similar question here a good few months ago now. So I guess I can comment from a position of some experience.
How and when you can move on from this depends on you-everyonee's different and will deal with stuff like this differently.
It will help if you try to concentrate on the relationship you're in, rather than the one that never happened. It does feel like your heart's breaking sometimes, cetainly did for me sometimes. And sometimes it can be one step forward, two steps back. But I'm sure you'll get there. Take heart from the fact that you did not, and would not, cheat on your hubby too-that, plus the fact that the guy you mention is with someone else, sort of says to me that any relationship would have been messy at best, disastrous at worst.
Just as a warning, when I posted my question, I got some answers from people who had obviously never 'been there' and who thought I already was a cheat for having feelings for someone other than my wife. ignore them!
All I can say is you can, will, and should move on-not easy and will take time, but it will get better. Maybe, depends on your relationship, one day you can even speak to your hubby about it all. Concentrate on what you have-sounds like a marriage that can only grow stronger.
best of luck-take care x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): Ouch. Been there, sister. But I did the wrong thing. I succumbed to temptation. You are very wise to recognize it as it is- as chemistry & an opportunistic man. I didn't realize it until after I had the affair, filed for divorce, lover left the COUNTRY, was gone during my entire long & arduous divorce trial & returned thinking I would still be his mistress! My spouse (now ex- thankfully) was not a "kind loving man" though & so I never left him because of the lover. He just helped me remember what kindness felt like. In the bargain, however, I admitted to everything in court(wasn't ABOUT to lie in court), handed over ALL our property, moved out of my home, took 2 more years to get my master's degree, had to file bankruptcy & gave a REALLY sorry husband the martyrdom for life that he always hoped for. Seek solace in the fact that you avoided all of this...especially, hurting your husband. By the way, that was more than 5 years ago & while I have feel little guilt about my actions toward my one-time spouse who became so awful long before I ever cheated, I do have HUGE HUGE guilt toward my ex-lover's wife- who divorced him later after he left the country again when I refused to be his mistress or to marry him if he got divorced. I know she loved him when we started the affair & was trying hard to be a good wife to him...ouch. I'm now in a WONDERFUL long-term relationship with my absolute soul mate, she (my ex-lover's former wife) however is 48 & dating bum after bum. I see her some, that's AWFUL. It's extra bad that I know she's not happy & I am. Ouch. Still trying to figure out how to say I'm sorry to her-but what does one say to that! By the way, Mr. Opportunity contacts me every now & then, I'm the one he couldn't have so the only one he wants...it's sick too, because that's the only reason. If we got together (would never happen) he would immediately begin the hunt for the next one...yuck. I hope this helped some of your grief just a little...Plus, give it a year, happy cheater will be cheating with another...or like in my case, finding a very very unhappy unfulfilled woman & working her like a magician. I wised up eventually though, but I still hurt ALOT for what I did to a decent woman, who is very much like me. O-U-C-H
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A
female
reader, writes4me +, writes (10 April 2008):
I did the same thing with my first husband. But when I started to cheat with another man (he was single though) I knew it was time to end my marriage. My poor husband never saw it coming and he didn't understand why I wanted a divorce. He was/is a wonderful man, just not the person who I could have remained with. There was something, a fire if you will, that was not there. The man I strayed with sparked every fantasy I had and I'd never had that lust with my husband. Had I stayed with my husband I knew I would be denying him a life with someone else who could love him in the way he deserved to loved. I was never going to be that person, no matter how wonderful he was. It wasn't fair to him and in the end, it wasn't fair to me either.
I'd recommend seeking professional help. And think long and hard before you ever think you may want to tell your husband about this other man. I personally wouldn't do it. Even if it is bursting for you to do so, if your husband finds out you'll be hurting him more than anything else. Decide if you are staying in your marriage because you are married to a good friend or you are staying for the false belief that you are doing him a favor.
I wish you luck. I remarried a year or so after I was divorced. For the first 8 years it was great. Now, it's a private hell for me. He's become a workaholic who has no time for anything or anyone. And here I am again, wondering what I did wrong this time. lol
I hope we both learn to do better. I wish you luck.
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