A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think my mother is having an affair, I found txts and stuff on her phone and its awful and devestating to think of it. I love my parents and am very close to my dad so its killing me. I tried to confront her but she just yelled and then lied to my face (about places she had been and I knew she was not) and then to top it off she has been dressing like a total slut of late. (she is 52) and wearing little cut offs and really overly tight boob tops and tight tops and stripper shoes, she never used to be like this I dont know what to do, She has become very selfish and just a flat out bitch of late. My poor dad is at his wits end. do i tell him (pls keep in mind they have been married for 30 years) my dad always provides for her and she has never even been yelled at let alone hit. Dad is veyr very supportive of her, even when she lost 150K of his money to the pokie machines he stood by her. Now I hate even talking to her. I don't know what to do. My fiance and I have just bought a house and I am 11 weeks pregnant, my fiance and I have decided if anything happens we are moving my dad in with us. We love him but now we just cant trust her. I really dont know what to do, I dont know how to protect my dad.Please please please help!!
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female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (10 April 2008):
 I agree with maxsteel. Be there to support your Dad in this. Perhaps you could try to talk to your mom. Say, "Mom, I have noticed your wardrobe has really changed lately. Whats going on?" Then when she responds muse, "oh, cause I really thought it might be a sign that you were having an affair." See what happens! If she admits to anything tell her that she needs to tell your father. Give her the chance to do right, but if she wont stop the affair and wont tell your dad, then you need to do it. This will give him the chance to confront the problem head on and not just suffer unknowingly and helplessly. Put yourself in his shoes. If he knew your fiancee was cheating on you and just ignored it and didnt tell you, how would you feel. Doublely betrayed? I would.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): Personally I can understand your distress over what your mother is doing and how it is affecting your Dad. I think you are asking advice on a topic that only you can answer for yourself because it is based on your values, no one elses and you have a right to those beliefs and you know your parents best and the situation at hand.
I don't think you have done anything wrong, and I don't blame you for looking at your mom's texts to try and figure out if she is lying to you, you knew she was and you are tired of her games and I don't blame you, you care about them both I think but are clearly seeing your Mom is taking things above and beyond where a married woman of her age should be....She sounds like she is struggling with her aging body and doesn't see the beauty in getting older and dressing your age and being proud of the wisdom age brings instead of being sad about the wrinkles....there is beauty in getting older and she is not willing to see that and you cannot make her be the way you want her to be.
You also cannot save your Dad or your parents marriage. I think if you want to mention to your Dad in private that you think your Mom has gone off the deep end and she needs professional help, then say so....don't say definitively that she is having an affair, because I don't think you know for sure, but say you are afraid she is looking and going to invite trouble what with here recent behavior.
And then leave it at that....
Don't focus on them, it isn't your job to raise your parents or to fix them, not because you don't have a right to tell them what you think, you do,but because it won't do any good, and it may end up just hurting you....
Hard as it be sorry for them, but realize it is theirs to figure out and repair....don't allow yourself to be a sounding board for this, tell them to get counseling, you don't want to hear it.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (10 April 2008):
 I agree with the aunts that think this is none of your business. It's not, it's between your mom and dad. Leave to them to deal with all of it. Focus your attention on the new house and get it ready for your baby.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): your obsession with your dad and bitter jealousy of your mum isnt healthy.you need to get counselling before you destroy your parents marriage with your relentless poking your nose into things that have nothing to do with you.
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A
male
reader, maxsteel86  +, writes (10 April 2008):
 These people below clearly cant tell the difference between 'family' and 'friends'. When your friend gets him/herself into a big fight its ok to back off and let them get their butts kicked, its their problem. But when its family, you get in there no matter how hard the butt kicking is gonna be. That's the honourable, decent thing to do, to hell with all this liberal attitude crap everyone seems to support. You need to tell your dad exactly what you found out, he needs to know. If your mother is gonna be that much of a bitch about it, your dad needs to be protected and by that, he needs to know. Let him take it from there and be supportive of him. He is a grown man, he can take it and no doubt, he'll be able to sort this out for himself eventually. Otherwise he'll just get trampled all over like a doormat, trampled on with 6 inch stripper heels. You have to prevent that from happening to the ones you love no?
In response to the first poster's BS about your child needing all the grandparents it can get, let me ask you this: do you really want your child to get life lessons from a lying, cheating whore?? Sorry if that sounds harsh on your mother but if you can replace those words with something more accurate, feel free to do so
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 April 2008):
 As children , there is nothing you can really do when you perceived your mum to be having an affair.
You should let your father handle it and let him decide what to do.
Be supportive of your father and that is all you can do.
You are pregnant and stress is not good for your health and your baby's.
Leave it to your father to handle it and do not confront your mum.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): I can understand your anger and frustration which is based on hurt. You are hurting at the possible betrayal or disloyalty towards your Dad and at the 'failing' you see in your Mother. She is not being the Mum you want or need. However you have your own relationship and a child on the way. Remember that this child of yours will not be perfect. They will let you down, hurt your feelings and may well behave in ways that you dislike or disapprove of in the future. Is this how you will act towards them? With complete hatred and contempt? A mature approach is to help your Mum. I think she needs that more than anything. Maybe she is sad, lonely or hurting in her own way. Gambling addictions and the behaviour you mention would suggest this, it is the reaction to that. People behave in extreme ways for a reason. As my Dad once said "Desperate people do desperate things." Try and step back and give your parents some room. Your Mother needs help and possibly counselling. By creating a bridge with your Mum maybe you can find more out without confrontation. By taking sides you are making the situation much worse - wading in there to stir up more problems by adding emotion where it is not helpful. Its a bit selfish on your part. If your desire is for your parents to split up then carry on as you are.
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A
female
reader, yoginipirate +, writes (10 April 2008):
 Why on EARTH are you making it your personal quest to "out" your mom's affair (if it's true). Your dad is an adult, you can't PROTECT your dad from his own marriage problems. Look, you are in a very tumultuous time in your own life & believe it or not, you might need your mother some day. Especially if this is your first time to be pregnant, you aren't even married yet...you have a lot to deal with in your OWN grown up life. Be there for your dad, but as I told another, stay out of it- when the dust settles they'll both still be your parents. You had NOOOOO right to go through her phone like that. You are not acting rationally & shouldn't take drastic measures right now...don't make her answer YOU about matters involving HER marriage. I'm not saying it's right if she is...but either way, it's not your place to determine everyone's guilt/innocence, vices/virtues, don't take sides...motherhood is complicated, so is marriage. Try both for a while before you decide you've got it all figured out. I really don't mean to sound harsh, but your mom is married to your dad, not you. She doesn't owe you explanations. To villify your mom & martyr your dad won't be the best for you & your baby (who certainly deserves all the grandparents he/she can get, no matter how she's dressed or who's money she lost!) Good luck, really. Be there to listen, your dad is a grown man- treat him like one & let him handle his OWN business.
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