A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help, I think that I'm in love with two people. I'm a 23 year old single mom. I first got involved with this 33 year old who now wants to marry me after a very abusive relationship with my child's father. He has a great job and everything going for himself, but for the past 4 months i have been spending a lot of time with a 19 year old whom I've fallen head over heels in love with also, but he's in school and doesn't work, but very mature for his age. He doesnt act 19. Both are really great guys. They don't disrespect me and they both make me feel like a woman, but what should I do? Should I pick the one who has long-term benefits( the 33 year old) who wants to take care of me and my child or the 19 year old who I love also, but can't really do anything for us right now. I feel a strong connection with them both and I'm tired of being in this situation. please help me!! What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): I am in the same situation of being IN LOVE with two guys at the same time. The only difference is I have a long history with both men. The first one I dated for two years and by the end of the last year we got engaged . I was 20 and he was 19. As wedding plans began to happen and a date was set he began to act strange. One day he came home for work shaking. we sat down and talked. He said he had fallen out of love with me. I overwhelmed myself with work the next year changing jobs and my folks moved. I never stopped loving him but had to move past him. I then met my husband. I feel in love with him but never had the connection or forgotten the first. My husband and I have had ruff times but I have always honored my vows. We have two children together. He loves me very much but he does not always understand me. He always does his best to work out our problems regardless. This past year we celebrated our 6 yr anniversary. Wouldn't you know it out of the Blue the first contacts finds me on the web. Over the holidays we were able to talk and he cleared up his feelings. He said he never stopped loving me but was so petrified of becoming a husband and having to provide for me when he could hardly hold a job. We still had the pull to be near one another. we still can read each other and understand everything each is saying. He still gets me. When He finally figured it all out he couldn't find me. So 8 yrs later he finally finds me but I'm married! We both tried our best to be friends but he can't handle the fact he walked away and now someone else is living the life he wanted with me And all I ever do is think of him. I have even gotten to the point of do I really love my husband enough to stay? two weeks ago we had to stop talking because we just can't handle being friends. I need to figure out what is best for myself and my family. the first has his own issues to deal with. I am a religious person and I believe all things happen for a reason and only time will show what is in store in my life and yours. I still think of my first on a daily basis but I try my best to stay busy, work on my marriage. The covenant I made with my husband. God works in mysterious ways and as painful as I feel right now I know one day I will be able to be happy with just one! I hope you know you are not alone and if you look deep inside yourself you will know who is best for your life. People show who they are with how they act. Who has shown you they are in it for the long run and struggles of life? Who really loves you and your kids?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): to be honest with you would be better off with the 33 year old, he can provide for you and give you a good life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2007): If I was in your shoes, I would rather stay with the current person as he is good to you and your child. Everything in the beginning is color rose, I think you should know that by now. If you were by yourself it would be a different story. Don't leave the bird you have in your hands for the one that is flying.
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A
female
reader, NJmomabear +, writes (2 May 2007):
 Yeah, as I said you would loose your freedom with him, but after reading this its obvious he wants total control.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses, They really helped.
But now something else has come up. The 33 year old went through my emails and deceived me in getting my pasowrds for my emails and for my cell phone voicemail. I know that what i did was wrong, but I just feel that he went overboard in doing this. He found these emails at a time in my life when i was trying to sort through all this. And i had just told him yesterday that I needed some time to be alone. Maybe I wasn't ready to get married. But this adds a different twist on things. I'm crushed to think that he would go through such trifling things especially after I told him that I was in a bad place. I don't think that he ever loved me because he did this. I feel that if he really loved me he would not have been rushing me about this. He would have let me work through it myself. Am I right or wrong. Me and the 19th year old aren't together, although he is very persistent, but he stepped back and allowed me to have that room for myself, the space that I needed so that I can find out who I am. But the one who said that I'm not but 23 and that I don't have to rush was right. I have time to think about what I want to do. I'm in school now about to finish up on my bachelor degree, so I have other things that I can concentrate on as well. Now what do you think about that?
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A
female
reader, Keria  +, writes (2 May 2007):
Both bits of advice given so far are good. The first one clearly distinguishes between love and infatuation. Mistaking infatuation for love is a huge mistake and can end in disaster.
The second bit of advice is very good too, because in the end you do need to be practical. You have to weigh out all the pros and cons. Compatibility is a huge factor. Who can you see enjoying your time with the most for the next 60 years?
Also be careful of the false dictomy -- that's when you think there are only two options open to you. The first aunt hinted at this. There is the option of not marrying either of them. I know you feel lonely as a single mom, but you need to be emotionally self-reliant before embarking on a life-long journey with anyone. Don't rush into anything.
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A
female
reader, NJmomabear +, writes (2 May 2007):
Well it depends on how good the support you have is already. Is your living conditions adequate and so on for you and your child? If its not then its a no brainer to go w. the 33 yr old. However, with being 'taken care of' comes a price. You will feel in his debt and eventually loose what freedom you do have now. If you do go with him make sure he understands your process of self-development too and to make allowance for it. If you go with the 19 yr old, you will struggle much more because your still growing on the inside and its harder to become established in a family and career at the same time. In that situation it will be like, if its not one thing its another going wrong. (Unless you both have supportive parents who are loaded) If not, you know what to do, you just needed to hear it. Mr. Long term is the one.
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A
female
reader, maryann61181 +, writes (2 May 2007):
 I need to start off by saying that when you first meet someone and you feel that instant connection, that's great. However, please do not mistake this for love, this is lust. The butterflies that you feel, the attraction that you feel is merely lust. This does not last. At least not continuely. I can tell you, that through experience, I know now how much I love the man in my life. I can say, yes at one point in my life I was unsure about which man I wanted to be with and who I loved more, but I know now that what I thought was love then, was not. If you are contimplating two men and one is asking to marry you, do not marry him because that is not fair to him. You need to give one of these men your whole heart. From the sound of it, I do not think that you are ready for marriage. I think that it would be best if you continued to date for a while, despite the fact that you have a child. Do not marry someone just for the sake of security. You may not think that is what you saying, but you are still young and there is no need to rush life.
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