A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm in love with an unhappy married man and he wants to leave his wife but she is controlling his every mood. what should i do to help him get out of that and be with me were he want to be?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): I'm in your shoes, I slept with this guy who was in a relationship. I was a virgin at the time. He lived upstairs from my sister. He would tell me all his problems, I would give him the right advice about his situations. But over time I was falling in love with him, I ended up sleeping with him. And now I'm in love with him. He has 3 children. I have 2.It's been 4 1/2 years I haven't heard or seen him. And I can't get him off my mind. Maybe what you had to say will help me to understand to let him go, But I can't, and I was wondering what I should do because it seem like we both want to be with someone whom we may never have. But that 1 time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2007): You have to do what's right for you and he needs to do what's right for him - unfortunately your relationship together is unlikely. I have unhappily married friends who play the same game of not being able to end a marriage because the other is controlling. Well, trust me, if he's someone that can be influenced by someone (or so he says) then he's not someone you want to be with. Be your own person and be sure that you've had a taste of what not to look for in a partner so that you can be absolutely sure he will be the one you do want IF he does ever leave his wife. Sometimes we fall in love with an image... the man you love is married to another woman... he may not be the same man married to you. Just keep that in mind and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2007): I'm not exactly in the same boat, but it is a similar sinking ship. I have totally been in love with a married man for almost four years. We both moved to different cities at different times and still somehow end up connecting and wishing we were together. Though I try my best, go out on occasional dates, list myself on numerous dating sites, AND have tried to get local friends to hook me up, I still truly love him - we have an incredibly deep friendship. He has come to see me a couple of times and that only made me love him more. I've never asked him to leave his wife b/c I am not sure he will until he's ready. I've seen his marriage progress over these four years and it is indeed getting worse which sickly, gives me some occasional seeds of faint hope. On more than one occasion, he has mentioned divorce, but mostly b/c his wife has brought it up! I imagine the reasons they are still together are their children (though, that reason can actually sometimes hurt a child, as they are far more perceptive than many realize, especially if there's constant argueing (sp?) going on) and his job. He feels backed into a corner financially and reputation-wise and I can't blame him. Where I can see that he could be "ok" afterwards, it hasn't and may not occur to him. My plan is to continue trying to date and find someone locally, yet, because I love him....if he drops her, I'll be right there as long as I still feel the same way about him. If I've found someone who totally rocks my world, I'll go with that. Who knows what will happen!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007): I had my heart broken at age 21 by a married man I was deeply in love with, but life goes on, and you go on - hopefully learning a lesson in life from heartbreak. In my case, I did. Now at age 54, and divorced, I was again pursued by a married man that I do have deep feelings for. Now, however, instead of acting on those feelings, I have offered an ear and friendship to listen to him talk about his "unhappy 33-year marriage", and have advised him that he needs to decide on his own how he wants to spend the next 25 years. I have never told him how I feel about him. I never take his side. I simply listen, because I am old enough to recognize there are 2 sides to every story. I also do not attempt to influence him by maligning his wife, or even empathizing with him when he discusses his resentment over her "verbal battering" of him through the years. Despite my feelings about him, I never again want to become "the other woman". Neither do I want to become a "home-wrecker", or the impetus for his leaving his marriage, even if it is an unhappy one. In this situation, this man and I have both the integrity and respect for each other, as professionals and as people (and for his family and wife) to stop ourselves from a love affair. He knows that I deserve more than a part-time companion or lover to go through my life with, I know this, and I recognize that he needs to distance himself from his unhappy relationship to live alone for awhile and figure things out, without any pressure or emotional coercion. I also recognize and agree with one of the authors above that it is true that many middle-age men will not act, and will stay in a less than happy situation either due to guilt or financial pressure as they feel they can never start all over again. ("She will take 1/2 of my retirement" or "the child support will break me"). I am in the legal field, and I know that in a divorce with children involved, the child support laws can be inequitable. I also feel that many men see themselves and their success through their employment, their possessions and wealth, and cannot imagine giving most of it up particularly in middle age. Most women judge their life's success and happiness differently. Divorce does leave many men struggling, and sometimes barely able to survive. I recall the song that goes something like "do you enjoy that can of beans you are eating"?... Women are left struggling, as well, with many dead-beat, absent dads. To make a long story short, have enough respect for yourself (and the married man you care about)to either walk away or to just be a friend who simply listens, cares, and watches the situation play out without your impetus or influence. I know in my heart that if I was able to lure this man away from a 33-year marriage and he ended up with me, I would always wonder what temptation would be waiting in our relationship down the road to lure him away from me. He would probably always be wondering about my integrity and commitment, as well. I cannot imagine trust ever being in our relationship and that distrust would erode the relationship. An unhappy married man's (or woman's) decision to stay or leave need to come from the heart after much reflection. The current unhappy marriage needs to be completely resolved before he embarks on another love relationship, for your sake and his own.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2007): There's not enough info in your question to give you a very good answer. I will tell you from experience (I am a man) that the best thing you can do is tell him straight out you expect him to leave his wife and come to you, no bullshit. Be assertive. You will get one of two reactions. If he's playing you, he will back off and spew excuses so fast that your head will spin. If he's for real, then he will do as you ask because he loves you. Trust me - I know this. I am in my 27th year of an on again - off again affair. I have been in love with her for all this time. She was married and I single when we started. I am now (unhappily) married and now she is single. We both love each other much more than we have ever loved anyone else. What we regret most is the years we have wasted not being together, and not having shared life together. Timing, and the wish to not hurt our respective children, seem to have conspired against us. 6 months ago we started up again for possibly the 10th time. What is new is she has told me flat out what she wants - said she wants me to leave my wife of 15 years. She was always afraid to ask before. I intend to do just what my love wants this summer. I began to discuss divorce with my wife 2 months ago. Now I am stuck somewhat because my wife's mother has become terminally ill and will die very soon. I don't have the heart to divorce my wife at this time. After she has some time to grieve though, I will do just that, because my love asked me to.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (29 May 2007):
 It' not your business to determine what mood he's in or why. That is between him and his wife. The faact you're involved, only makes it more difficult for him to make the proper choice. If you don't get involved with married people, this type of problem wouldn't happen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2007): I myself call people that are involved with married men "VICTIMS OF THE DEVIL's CONSPIRACY". this is a plan of the devil to destroy a lot of good people. by using married men to take advantage of certain women to make you feel inferior. The Bible says, "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge" . One thing God said,he HIS the only judge. The reason why,is because people don't have the power or the time to go deep into a situation what you call "action" and "cause". there are two categories of people. the first is: some people date married men because that is their desires and they know they have nothing to loose, they don't care. thinking that, if someone cheated with my husband or if my husband can leave me for another woman I might as well do the same thing by destroying someone's marriage. For the other category of people, they are VICTIMS.Like ASK_EVE said: men only tell you what you want to hear. meaning they steeling someone's trust. myself I was involved with a married man recently. I would never though that a smart woman like me would be in this situation. like the saying:never think that you know everything. although he loved me before he got married and I went away he finally found me again. Telling me all his problems inside his marriage. I felt like he would never betrayed me cause he loved me once then I should trust him and we almost grew up together.. He offered me paradise. he told me his wife shared the house like he was a roomate for about 2 to 3 years it's been going on like that.he got his own door's entrance. On every event he's always by himself. Unfortunately he broke my heart anyway. he disappeared and never answers my phone calls. I'm asking WHY?? but it's now I start reading testimonies from other victims that looks like my own story. I said to myself OH MY GOD! If I only knew. I had a bad marriage I walked away from it I thought it would be the same for anybody who can not take it anymore too. Again, can anyone just judge someone like me? I swear to God If I only knew I would never geting involve with him while he was still married. I would NOT date him.To make it worse, he don't have a wedding ring in his finger. I even don't think that I was hurting his wife according to his testimony. And that sounds real, cause sometimes when he's with me, his phone don't ring and not even on silence. That's why I call myself a victim of lack of knowledge and for other women on the same situation. I was NAIVE. But women out there becareful next time if you have been a victim.
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A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (28 May 2007):
Hey! Milk left out of the frig. sourers, so does any neglected relationship,and who's to say which one, or perhaps both, are souring their togetherness.I'll lay my money on the husband. And being a man, Most of us never get beyond SEX, SEX, SEX, in our relationships And women are just so many body parts, which one does he go for first-off? No doubt he's a vagina-man who thinks Foreplay is part of a football game. And he wouldn't know what it is, Even if it was a Max-truck, and he got hit by it. And if You buy into his B.S. You too, sooner than latter, will be the unhappy wife, or unhappy partner, when he become unhappy with your body parts. Then The Ass on the other side of the relational fence will look greenner.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (28 May 2007):
 Have you ever heard of the saying "men tell you what you want to hear?" If he was a REAL man he would end his marriage by moving out. It's true, not all married men/women are happy but jumping around with someone else isn't going to resolve anything, it's only going to exacerbate the problems in the marriage in the first place. Seeing you won't make his marriage or him any happier.
Who's not to say if he DOES get with you he won't do exactly the same thing to you and go off with someone else? The best advice I can give you is to tell him that you can't see him any more until he sorts his life out and decides who he really wants to be with. What you say may be true, maybe he IS unhappy in his marriage but wouldn't you think more of him if he was at least honest with his wife and moved out?
Telling him you want to end it with him will let you see just how strong his feelings are for you. If he loves you more than his wife then there shouldn't be a problem leaving her, especially if he knows he'll never be able to hold you again. Him saying she controls his mood is a pitiful excuse!
Eve
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2007): You are kidding right!!!Why are you doing this to yourself? Do you have such little respect for yourself??Go find yourself a good guy whose un-attached!! Otherwise, prepare youself for a REAL heartbreak!!Wake up and smell the coffee!!Kind Regards!
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A
female
reader, nicola79 +, writes (27 May 2007):
 please dont tell me that you believe him? he is loving this i bet. i wouldnt even give him the time of day, 1 because he is married, 2 because he is lying, 3 because if he has done it to her then he will do it to you. im sorry but how would you feel if you was married and your husband was doing it behind your back?
maybe it has happened to you,but what you and him are doing is bad and you need to stop.
if he does leave her and then comes to find you,then get on with it but for gods sake you are a woman,so understand how she would feel. xxx
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female
reader, BESS  +, writes (27 May 2007):
RE:candysometmes men are really not happy in theirs marriage. some of them are scared to divorce ther wives because of financials issues. they're scared to become broke. financial insecurity, and lack of self-esteem.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 May 2007):
 Dearie all cheaters are "unhappily married". If he wanted to be with you, he would, duh. Now, I do have a really nice, hardly been used bridge in Brooklym I can sell you for a song, interested?
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A
female
reader, sunrise +, writes (27 May 2007):
 Nothing...if he wants to leave his wife he will, it's confusing me to think that he is so weak that he allows his wife to control his moods, but he has the balls to have an affair with you?? something doesn't ring true here, if she controls his moods she must attempt to control other areas in his life and by doing that she would be on to your affair. how long have you been seeing him?
i think you should back off and let him work out what it is he wants and just may be the truth will rear it's ugly head, if he really wants to be with you and he's as unhappy with his wife as he says he is, he will find a way to be with you, dont hold your breath though..sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2007): In all of this you need to ask yourself what the payoff is for you. You are no doubt seeing him at the whims of his schedule as it is. Let me think..if he leaves his wife watch your back as there is a chance he will leave you as well. Show this couple and yourself some respect and back off. I would suggest you date others and let him know about is as well. Is there a ceiling of time you are willing to wait. Sign up for a course, do volunteer work and work on feeling good about yourself. He may come to you or he may not but you may also meet someone who you can be with now...and all to yourself.
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A
female
reader, jane129 +, writes (27 May 2007):
You can't help him get out of his marriage. If you influence his decision it will come back to haunt you.
Be his friend (only), listen to what he has to say. Set boundaries. Set a time limit. Because if you don't this will go on for years. Believe me I speak from experiance.
If you continue your relationship with him (as it is) he most likely will not get divorced. He has his life with her and he has his life with you. And until he realizes he can't have both, he has no reason to get a divorce.
In my situation, I have listened to countless hours of him telling me how unhappy he is, and what a B@#$! she is, what a miserable life he has with her. But the fact of the matter is, he goes home to her every night.
I was foolish not to set boundaries, put a time limit on how long I would wait. It's been seven long destructive years. Don't make the same mistake I did. Tell him how you feel. Let him know what you want and how long your willing to wait. And then stick to it. Don't give in, no matter what the excuses are. And if he doesn't follow through...walk no... run away.
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A
female
reader, angelfire02 +, writes (27 May 2007):
We are in control of our own selves. No one can control you without your consent. He obviously doesnt really want to leave her. He is only telling you what you want to hear. If you are involved with someone who is married...do you realize what the statistics of them leaving their spouse is? Not very high. Most extramarital affairs happen usually because they are emotionally unsatified sexually. Thats usually all about is sex, and company. Trust me...if he truly loved you and really wanted to be with you..HE holds all the power to do it!!
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (27 May 2007):
 Right now, the ball is in his court. It's a choice that he has to make. When he's ready, he either will, or you'll be out of luck.
DV1
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A
female
reader, candy00s +, writes (27 May 2007):
 If he is unhappy in his marriage then he needs to walk away from it. Why is he still with his wife if he is unhappy and would rather be with you - what is stopping him?He needs to tell his wife that it is over.
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