A
female
age
41-50,
*mamess
writes:I dont really know where to start, im just heartbroken and I need to talk to someone...so here goesMe and my ex have been on and off for about 10 years (im 28 hes 31), we have had about 4 breakups in that time, mainly because he wants to be single and enjoy singleton...so he can meet new girls I guess....I wont go on about too much of the last 10 years but will start from about 2 years ago....So we had a breakup 2 years ago, we were apart for about 3 months, i was hurting because I didnt want this breakup, anyway he met someone, got he pregnant and they were going to get married (yeah all in 3 months).....anyway he then decides he wants to be with me and dropped the other girl for me, and coz im so in love with this man i forgive him and take him back, the other girl goes on to have his baby but doesnt let him see his child because of me, but she is now happily married to someone else....but I still forgave him for hurting me...So we give it another go and I fall pregnant (we lost 2 children to miscarriages 5 years previous) and we were over the moon but a little scared, I went to my 12 week scan and everything was fine and we were really happy...anyway 2 weeks later he decides he doesnt want all this and leaves me again, so I heartbreakingly go through the pregnancy on my own! Towards my due date he starts showing his face and stupidly I allow him at the birth, but I thought this would make us....and it did!! We got back together and we both enjoyed our Son, things were really great. I was so happy...Then about 3 months ago he starts going out with his friends every weekend and not bothering to come home til 5 in the morning and so the arguements started. Then 6 weeks ago he stayed out all weekend and I just lost it and told him to go (I didnt mean for him to go) and he did....I asked him to come back but he said that he will always hurt me as he loves his friends too much.....this knocked me for six and have been a complete mess, he has our Son 3 hours a week and obviously things that is enough, he goes out every weekend and has fun while im stuck in crying for him....I went out 2 weeks ago and he saw me out and told me how much he loves me and cant be without me and I thought he wanted us to get back together but all he wanted was to sleep with me, so he used me, knowing how much I love him and would do for him, he used me!!But he still kept coming round to pick our Son up and spend some time with him and everytime he would leave he would give me a kiss, basically keeping me holding on I guess and then today I find out he was in the local pub where we used to drink and all our friends drink with another girl, all over her.....I stupidly phoned him and asked if he had anything to tell me and he said no, and I said are you seeing someone and what I had been told....he said he wasnt seeing anyone and I said so its just a one night stand and his reply was "so what if it was"...I broke down and told him I hated him, then he text me saying it was just a kiss, but whats it to do with me as we are not together and he can do whatever he pleases....I kknow this is true but he keeps telling me he loves me and keeps me hanging on, I wish sooo much I could get over him but I am so in love with him and seing him because of our Son just makes it harder.....please please someone help me, I love him sooo much but he is just hurting me, how do I get over him?????? I know im a doormat and he probably knows that he can get me back whenever he feels like it, im just so depressed and wishing this wasnt happeningThanks soooo much for anyone replying xxx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, imamess +, writes (6 August 2008):
imamess is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am going to try and not contact him, its going to be so hard but I know its for the best and im not going to try and find out what he is doing and ask questions about him, coz its only myself im hurting, especially when I know what anwers I am going to get x x x
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (6 August 2008):
 As little contact as possible is always the best way forward, as long as you stick with it. Letting him know its only your son thats keeping you 2 in contact is the best way forward
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, imamess +, writes (6 August 2008):
imamess is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have taken the steps of getting someone else to pick our Son up so I dont see my ex, I feel as tho I shouldnt have done this as now im never going to see him, but I know its for the best...its just killing me.....I try not to think of him with girls but its all I can think about....it upsets me that he has just forgotten about me, I wasnt a horrible person, I did everything I could for him and this is how I get repaid..
My friends are dragging me out Friday but I really dont want to go, im so scared I will see my ex, and if he is with "her" or talking to any other girls there isnt a thing I can do about it, and its going to break my heart, I just dont know what to do :'( xxxx
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (5 August 2008):
I know you are talking sense, im in such a state, im scared my poor little boy will suffer coz all I do is cry, I try to stay busy but I just break down all the time..
Its best to try and keep it under wraps most the time in front of kids, but its ok for them to see emotion. Its not actually completely healthy to protect them from all of lifes ups and downs, doesn't help them when they grow up. They dont want to see lots of distress, but they need to learn its ok to show their feelings. When i split from someone 4 yrs ago, i remember crying in front of my daughter and was honest and said sometimes mummy misses him thats all.
It just so hard to understand why he is finding it so easy to forget about me, he is messing about with other women and I am left to deal with this on my own...
He's behaving like a child in a sweet shop. Sorry you guys, but thats what they do! She's not attractive because he doesn't care about her. She could be anyone.
That could well be true about him not reading anything into it with her which is why he took her there, i can actually see that point.
Just remember, you will get through this. And you have no choice, you have to for that little man you have with you.
I really think starting to get out more socially, would do you good. Even if its the last thing you can imagine doing at the moment. I loved someone to bits 4 yrs ago when we split, and i found getting a social life a great healer, and it took me a good year and a bit to get over him, but i certainly did kiss other guys in that year and a bit!
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, imamess +, writes (5 August 2008):
imamess is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know you are talking sense, im in such a state, im scared my poor little boy will suffer coz all I do is cry, I try to stay busy but I just break down all the time. It just so hard to understand why he is finding it so easy to forget about me, he is messing about with other women and I am left to deal with this on my own...
I just could not go near another man. The thing that upsets me is that he was supposed to be all over this girl but when we were together he never kissed or cuddled me in public, you know he had this machoness he had to protect, so why can he do it with other girls??? Im not ugly so he couldnt have been embarrassed, the people that saw him with this girl said she was a mess and they dont understand whats going on....but he must of liked her..
He told me that he just kissed her and that was it, he said she was just a random girl he met, I asked why he took her to a place where evryone knows us and he replied because there was nothing in it with this girl so he didnt see the problem with it!!! I dont understand that....
I wish I wasnt in this place at the moment, I really honestly thought he wouldnt hurt me again, especially now we have a child together (which was planned), I just cant cope..
Im so grateful I have found this site and can talk to you and let my feelings out, im sorry I write so much but I just have to keep typing and let it all out..
Thank you so much x x x
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A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (5 August 2008):
 Hi Hunnie, you know he isn't good for you but it is hard to let go. You really can let go and move on.
Can you see a counselor? There are some good books out there on how to heal from a break up too.
The first thing to do is to stop all contact with him. Change your number, block his email, etc. Have someone else do the pick up and drop off for child visitation.
Do you have an education and good career? That would be something positive to focus on to get your life back on track.
Once you are free of him for awhile you will wonder what you ever saw in him.
Good luck xo
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (5 August 2008):
 I can answer one of your questions...he wants to get on with his life and he wants you to wait and pine for him because he is selfish and he knows you will. You have never left him in the dirt. I will also tell you that you have helped create this bully so I say...time to take him down.
Step out of this relationship. Yes focus on you because you owe your son a complete mother. You need to take a bit of time out for you every now and then, it helps to build your self esteem.
But seriously, being with someone new is necessary. Absolutely necessary because I know you will realize "wow, this guy treats me like a queen. I like it!" And then it will be curtains for Loser Man. He doesn't want you to be with someone else because he knows ANYONE is better than him and ANYONE will treat you better.
Yes, it makes you sick to think of him with someone else, so don't do it. Everytime you think of him with another woman, you are taking a slice out of your self esteem. And as for you not seeing yourself with someone else...all I will say is that NO ONE is better than Loser Man.
And look here darlin...I've been in a 22 year marriage that ended over a year ago and I am almost 50 and I have kissed another man! I did it..you can too... And yes, it was scary. But it was also wonderful and exciting.
Stop thinking of why you should stay and start planning your new life. You can do this.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (4 August 2008):
You feel like an awful mum because you have had all your self asteem and confidence zapped out of you over 10 long years! You are not pathetic. You have simply been in an addictive relationship. A fair few of us have, and its not actually any different to someone thats addicted to drugs, booze, gambling etc. All addiction have the awful side affect of making us feel low, depressed, full of self loathing, and like we cant actually live without whatever it is we are addicted to. But its the people that aren't addicted to what you are that can see the wood for the trees, even though you cant. And you will one day meet someone and have a healthy relationship. When people say how come i love this guy that treats me so bad? Well the fact is, its not love, its addiction.
You are quite young, i was your age (i was 29) when i came out a 9 yr relationship, he was only the 2nd guy i'd ever been with and i had 2 children by then. But you know what? In the last 7 yrs i have lived! And yes, i have had ups and downs, we always will, but its mostly been fun! I know its hard right now, but some time soon you will start being excited about whats round the corner, i used to love not knowing what was going to hapen next week, who i was going to meet. I'm coming up 38 now so ive calmed down a tad hehe but you still have lots of good times ahead of you, and it definately wont involve someone so destructive as your ex.
You're a good mum thats going through the ringer with a bad man, and thats enough to push anyone to their limits, but it certainly doesn't make you a bad mum. It will get better the longer you go through the cold turkey and the withdrawels get less when you replace the addiction for better things. It will happen. Start building that self asteem, and the best way to do that is to say no to him. Take back control.
Take care
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, imamess +, writes (4 August 2008):
imamess is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ALL SO MUCH for your advice.......I really appreciate talking to people about this..
I know im pathetic and weak and I really dont mean to be this way, how can I love someone that treats me this way???? The thing is, its not as easy to try and get on with my life, my ex is a bit of a bully and people dont come near me because of his reputation, its ok for him to get on with his life bit not for me!! Why does he just not be with me if he doesnt want me to move on? I Bdont understand it. Also this is the sad part but he has been my only boyfriend, I have never been out with anyone else and that scares the hell out of me, the thought of being with someone else scares me and in a way sickens me...does that sound stupid????
Its just killing me and making me ill with the thought of him with a girl, kissing her and stuff, in public without caring about my feelings....
L know im to get a backbone but I am just in a really horrible place at the moment and dont know what to do............I feel very selfish as my Son should be the most important thing in my life and instead im wrapped up in me, I feel like an awful Mum :'(
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A
female
reader, ButterflyKisses +, writes (3 August 2008):
Based on ten years past experience, this man (and I use the term loosely), has evidence and reassurance that YOU are not going anywhere, regardless of his immature and hurtful behavior.
You ask, "How do I get over him?" No one can give you an answer to that question, but the best advice I can offer, is to FAKE IT until you do get over him. Even if you want to talk to him, don't call him. Call a friend instead, post a vent on this board, do something other than contacting him. If he calls you, DON'T call him back. If there are arrangements to be made regarding your son - make those arrangements, talk only about those arrangements and get off the phone. If he starts asking you questions about your life (ex. "Have you gone out recently? Are you seeing anyone? etc.) tell him, "I just prefer that we keep our personal lives to ourselves and focus only on our son, please". Like I said, even if you it hurts to put distance between you - do it, or you won't end the cycle. I also recommend finding a pasttime that you enjoy. Perhaps there's a salsa dancing class that you've always wanted to take. Do it!!! You'll meet new people and make new connections while building your self-esteem level. This in itself will help you to move on. Remember - only YOU can break this cycle. He has NO reason to stop his unruly behavior because he is conditioned to beleive that you will always be there no matter what - and that is what needs to change.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (3 August 2008):
 Please find some self worth. I know that sounds very harsh but you are worth more then you are giving yourself. This man is preying on you low self esteem and very large heart. Dont let him and find someone that will apprecaite you for having so much love to give.
Do not let him sleep with you, Do not let him silver tongue his way back into your life. He is only ever to be in your sons life and that is it. He isn't going to grow up and he isn't in any way going to give you the stability you need and deserve.
He is selfish and cruel for treating you this way. He has stolen 10 years of your life and knows he can have more if you let him. Stop leting him in. The best way to pick yourself back up from this is to involve yourself in new things that lead you away and to help you not think of him. Involve yourself in things that boost your confidence and self esteem. You are capable, as everyone is, to be strong and you must be to show your son that this is not how woman are to be treated. You cannot let your son see how his father treats you.
If not for yourself do this more for your son.
All the best
HonningKanin
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A
male
reader, kansasdude408 +, writes (3 August 2008):
Hey I don't know what you are going through, but I have seen women get treated like crap. So I know what I am talking about when it comes to how a ladie should be treated. There are alot of bad guys out there that use women for whatever they need and then throw them out like yesterdays garbage and move on to another women to use. I think that you should just think about your situation and ask yourself if this man is really worth all of the heartaches that he gives you. If you think that he is then you should try and work it out, but if he has been doing this for the better part of ten years he feels comfortable acting the way he does because he knows that you will always take him back and forgive him. Throw a curve ball take him completely by surprise and tell him that he needs to take the kid bcause you have a date and don't take no for an answer even if you just go and visit some freinds and give yourself some alone time for you and maybe he will realise that you are not going to wait for him to grow up and treat you the way that you need to be treated. So I guess you can handle this situation however you want but, remember that a little change can go along way and suprises can work in your favor or against you depending on how you take life opportunities Good luck with lifes adventures and remember as they say "when life gives you lemons make lemonaide"
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (3 August 2008):
Hellskitten took the words right out of my mouth. He wants you but he doesn't want you and he doesn't want anyone else to have you. The same thing happened to me and even had a guy stringing me along like this guy is doing to you. And the reason is that he doesn't want you to move on because he isn't prepared to lose you just yet for himself. He will not close the door on this relationship but it is time for you to.
After so many years of this aren't you just a bit tired? You have exhausted so much energy on this poor excuse for a relationship. You owe it to you and your son to find someone new who will make you happy. This is not the example of love you want to show your child and you deserve so much more.
I agree, 3 hours isn't enough time for a dad to bond with his Son. But it's repeatable and it's something. Use these three hours to take care of yourself. Get some sun on your shoulders and try to see the world with a new man who respects you and try to respect yourself.
Please understand that this ex will NOT like seeing you put yourself out there and he will try to tear you away from whoever you start up with but I guarantee it will only be temporary. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (3 August 2008):
How awful. The night he knew you went out and came back home with you was so you didn't get the chance to meet someone else. Had that happen myself. They dont want you, but they dont want anyone else to have you. And yes he is stringing you along so you dont get closure. Thats disgusting. I dont know what to say apart from dont sleep with him again, and try and get him to have his son more. Its not enough at the moment, and you deserve some time out so you can go out and have a life apart from being mum. We love our kids dont we, but we all need some us time.
Then you need to accept he isn't grown enough yet to cope with commitment and start letting yourself heal.
C xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): Hi,
Here's some good news...
Did you know that most relationships CAN be salvaged? You may find it difficult to believe that almost every break up for whatever reason…infidelity, plain old lost passion, loss of interest, a stolen heart and worse...even the worst situations you can imagine…like men serving prison sentences have salvaged their relationships. Yes, even Ex-cons have got back together with girlfriends and wives after being away for years!
There is hope...
Just try to read this Book once, then all your problems would be solved and surely you will get back your ex.
tinyurl.com/getbackyourex
ALL THE BEST..!
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