A
female
age
30-35,
*ittleMissy
writes:Ok, my boyfriend is Kurdish. I love him so much but ive got the biggest problem with some of his attitudes, mainly about women but about other things as well. It's not just him, all his friends also have these attitudes, I'm told frequently that women are stupid, everybody knows that, the man should always be in charge and make the decision.He's always putting me down, degrading my confidence, yet I'm not allowed to criticize him whatsoever, even when he's wrong. He'll get angry over the smallest things that shouldn't even matter, sometimes hell get really violent, and I can't complain, cos I'm the woman.I'm at the stage where I'm considering leaving this guy, but at the end of the day I love him, and I can't imagine losing all the good times we shared. He tells me he can't change as it's his culture, whereas I'm expected to completely change, like not going out with friends etc. Surely he should meet me halfway on things we differ on?Is this a culture thing? Or am I just unlucky. He's a very insecure, possessive, childlike and extremely sexist person, and I'm told by him all men from the middle east are like this. Would should I do? how can I make him see his behaviours out of order? I don't want to leave him, I truly love him... But I guess I can't take the disrespect and loss of self esteem anymore
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confidence, insecure, self esteem, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (9 March 2010):
 In response to last followup remark, what I have to add here is this: Yes, love has power to change the bad culture, and bring new air of civilization. This power of love is very well recognized by religion and also by philosophy. This is the reason, many many thinker equate love with religion. By love here we mean 'romantic love,' and not religious love, which is love for God.
And, I heartily wish you best of luck.
A
female
reader, LittleMissy +, writes (9 March 2010):
LittleMissy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the great advice guys. I think his behaviour is not part of his culture, although I think not being willing to accept it's wrong and change may be, Kurdish people are very proud people!.... And after doing some research Iv found that although this culture towards women is still strong over there, there is still a high individual element! after a long talk, we've decided to give it one more try, and he's promised to change, so wel see... Thanks for all the advice. Xxxxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2010): I'm from middle east and can tell you that your boy friend is the biggest layer ever!
The only people who thinks like that around here are very low educated people with very low social status and very high insecurity. They try to counter that by picking on their women.
My advice is to leave him and find another man. He is a hopeless case. I don't think that you should live with some one who believes that you are a 2nd rate human or something.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2010): Woah, what's with all these racist replies?! I happen to be a women from the middle east so I have had a lot more exposure to the culture that Westerners rarely see the reality of.
For example, my best friend is married to an British man and he is exactly like this Kurdish guy; mysoganistic, sexist, and controlling. While I know plenty of middle eastern women who are blissfully happy in thier marriages to middle eastern men.
The way a man treats his partner is not dependant upon where he's from, but his own character. Don't let stereotypes fuel prejudice.
The lady who wrote this question is badly suited to this man not because he is from the middle east but because he's a complete bastard.
Anyway, your man sounds like a knob. This abuse will only get worse, so try to muster up the courage to leave him. You sound like a nice girl so I'm sure you will find someone else who can treat you better.
x
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A
female
reader, Sissy01  +, writes (6 March 2010):
Wow! RUN for the nearest exit! He sounds insane, extreme and typical of the mideastern man. Women should be treated with respect! That crap about oh they will be family orientated blah blah, no way. Selfish, ignorant and insecure men. Get out now. You deserve to be happy. I feel so bad that the beautiful women of those countries suffer at the hands of these losers.
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A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (5 March 2010):
 Well you need to stop and think, if he never changes is this what you want from your life? that will tell you what you need to do =]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): You have to watch that movie "not without my daughter" with sally field. That will convince you that his behavior will only get worse, not better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): Dear lady,First of all, my comments will be different from other and more practical than ideal situation. First of all it is true and let us accept that that there are cultural diffreences in various part of the world and each have it's pros and cons and people following that culture will follow it and love and happy about it. I belong to india, and i know that there are differences in Indian and USA culture. I may agree that in Middle East culture, it is norm that Men are given charge ( and it is fine for them ), they take responsibility also in that case. Also it is true that, he as BF or DH, will not like his women to go out with male friends etc. Also he may expect you to agree to what he want to do. But there are other side also, he will not leave you for life long, marriage is more sacred for them. If you as a wife get paralysis tomorrow, he will still be there with you and take responsibility happily to pay all the bills life long. He will be more family oriented man. So my take is yes, there are cultural difference, and you need to live and adopt to that with it's own pros and cons.or you may leave that.
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A
female
reader, LittleMissy +, writes (5 March 2010):
LittleMissy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice guys. Still rather confused though, it's tough deciding over your head or your heart...... Arghh.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (5 March 2010):
Culture has nothing to do with being an asshole. My father has always treated my mother like a rare treasure; has flown her to every continent on endless honeymoons and she has a say in all his matters. On the other hand his brother has many wives. So your boyfriend's excuse about all middleeastern men being assholes is just not good enough. In eastern cultures one man will set fire to his wife just like how a man can shoot his wife in America. In the east another man will build the Taj Mahal as that Indian emperor did for his wife hundreds of years ago. In many of the eastern families I know the men are completely hen-pecked by controlling wives. On the other hand some men in these cultures are marrying off their 10 year old daughters; like how some men in UK are raping their daughters right now. The endless battered women's shelters in the UK are testimony that this is not simply a middleeastern problem. So dump him because he is nothing but an asshole and it has nothing to do with his culture.
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta +, writes (5 March 2010):
When person like me [ me being philosophically cultured ] say, 'religious' it meant this...your statement is exact description of the thing...read,'Is this a culture thing? Or am I just unlucky. He's a very insecure, possessive, childlike and extremely sexist person, and I'm told by him all men from the middle east are like this."
I am not talking about 'Kurdish', as a instant but 'religious' as such, name of religion do not make difference. what is your list? insecure,possessive, childlike, list can is really longer...but exclude "extremely sexy," which you mentioned is not content of culture, but of person. What you heard him say about degrading of women, is RELIGIOUS VISION ABOUT FEMALE AS SUCH. However there are exception of this pattern, I am one as I myself is born and became old [running 59 years] in extremely orthodox culture, my all family member includes my wife, is believer of 'witch craft'. In our culture, wife is thought as 'female servant' but her real status is lower than servant, come close to 'slave'. This is true even amongst most educated family also. Such learned families behave more rudely than uneducated, is my observed experience. Wife are sold to brothel by husband's relative is very common thing. Wives are burn alive for very minor reason, is daily news paper's item.
Reading my comment, please reconsider your ideas to have serious relations with person from orthodox group. world's worst political problem:'terrorism' is product of 'orthodox mind'. Really and heartily they hate 'female'. There are lot of religious story in religious culture, that shape 'mind' and mind's content [belief and not vision] which is almost 'unchangeable' because parent inserted at very very young or child age.
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A
female
reader, glassslippers +, writes (5 March 2010):
All I can say is Please, please, please get away from this man. I understand that you love him but in this situation you have to love yourself a little more. This is insane and he is not going to change unless he wants to and considering he brings up his background I think he is afraid of what his family/friends will think if he doesn't act like this. I'm sure he grew up seeing his mom/aunts/ sisters/grandmothers and cousins treated like this. It is very normal to him. I come from a background where the men are dominant. I will not mention what country but thank God after many years of begging, fights, violent outbursts, therapy, and some physical abuse, life is alot better. BUt it has not been worth what I have had to see my mom and aunts go through. These men have pride that is so crazy they will freak if you do anything that they think is embarrasing. Please just leave and be with someone respectful of you (a wonderful, smart, beautiful. confident woman)!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): I don't think all men from the middle east are like this. I think there may be different socially accepted norms for men and women, and it can be accepted that the man is "in charge". But I don't think it is an excuse or reason to be abusive at all. I may be wrong though, but in my opinion I think he may be using his culture as an excuse to treat you as he likes. Or maybe all the people he knows in his own life are like this. I'm not entirely sure.
However, regardless of all that, the point is you are unhappy. You feel disrespected, criticized, put down. Whether his behaviour is acceptable to other people or not does not matter. You are finding his behaviour unacceptable. You said so yourself - "How can I make him see his behaviour is out of order?" In your heart, you feel he is out of order. That is what matters.
If he is violent towards you, I strongly suggest that you get out of the relationship as soon as possible, as that is very concerning. I don't think you can make him see things any differently, and I don't think he will change. You have tried to tell him how you feel, and he says it is his culture. He is not willing to look at a different viewpoint. He has his opinion on the matter and is happy with that. You are not, so I don't think things will change at all if they continue.
I know you may love him, but I really do think the best thing you can do is walk away. For the sake of your self-esteem, confidence, and your safety. You can move on from him if you choose to. It may be difficult, and it may take time. It always does. But you can make a change for the better, if you would like to. You don't have to tolerate this situation any longer. Please do take care of yourself. Good luck. x
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A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (5 March 2010):
One of my closest friends is happily married to a kurdish man and has been for two years, and he is nothing like that at all. They have an equal relationship and i can not imagine him saying anything as vile as been violent to a woman is ok. You need to sit him down and tell him what you expect from him from now on and give him a timescale of how long he has to change. if not leave him. you do not deserve that type of treatment nobody does and he clearly dosen't care about your feelings if this is how he treats you. good luck =]
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 March 2010):
 Not all middle eastern men are like this, it seems you have been unlucky enough to jag a bad one.
His behaviour is not going to change, he himself blames it on his culture and has told you he will not be changing.
You need to weigh the situation up, decide if the good times you have are enough reward for his violence, his critisising attitude, his degrading you and the fact you are not permitted to tell him he is in the wrong.
I would seriously consider moving on, its not going to get better, do you really want to be feeling as you do now in another six months time, a year, five years or ten years when you will be in your thirties. Do you want to continue to be disrespected through your 40s and 50s, and be old before your time at 60?
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A
male
reader, weparley +, writes (5 March 2010):
Seriously... If he really acts this way (which is most likely true) and treats you this way. I'm surprised you're still around. I would have been gone LOOOONG time ago.
"I love'em blah blah blah... You need to throw that crap out the window. Let him find someone of his own culture
"Seriously" Stop reducing/tricking yourself to think that you love him and all this crap you're saying.
"GET RID OF THE S.O.B"
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (5 March 2010):
 Hun, its his culture to treat women as possessions, and you want to be treated like an equal.
He will not change and you cannot accept being treated like you are not a worthy human being.
Sorry, as much as you love him I dont see a future in this relationship.
Honeygirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): One thing you can't change about someone is the way that their culture has raised them to be. You can make an attempt to accept it and try to make things work in the relationship or go your own way. What I don't understand is how can you be with a man that treats you the way that he does? And if he acts the way that you say he does, how is it that you began to love him for that?
My personal opinion, if you continue to stay with him, it's not going to benefit you in the long run. I'm sure that there is a man out there who will treat you a lot better than the man you're with now and I know that you deserve it because all of us on this Earth do.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 March 2010):
This is their culture. Look at the middle east. Generally, it is accepted that man is the master. You can't make him see his behaviour is out of order, because from where he is from, it's not. You need to move on.
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