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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi uncles and aunts, I have recently come across a question on « how to say no » and read your great answers. Even though my question is similar, I would really need your help, because it is specific to this pandemic situation.I’m having problems refusing invitations coming from people who either do not take the virus seriously or have their own biases on what is safe, usually justifying what suits them.To protect our family, my husband and I have set very simple rules. We respect the government measures (1M distance and wearing a mask inside as well as outside), but we also respect certain recommendations concerning gatherings, avoiding seeing people inside their homes, inviting them inside etc. We do what has to be done, which includes going to work, necessary shopping, seeing doctors if need be, helping others out… but we stopped inviting people over, we do not go to restaurants, cinemas…I understand that our decision may appear to be drastic, but by doing so we not only protect ourselves, but others too. We live in the country where not only a daily rise in new cases is above 10000, but where beds in intensive care units are starting to get fewer and fewer. My problem with inviting people over or visiting them in their homes is simple, they do not want to wear a mask when inside. When it’s their house, of course it’s their rules. But I can’t spend my energy on treating them the way I would do kids, because they do act like kids, constantly testing to see if the boundaries I set are real and still firm. A week ago, without me noticing a friend took a mask while we were on the bus together. I was sitting next to an empty seat that had a sign on that it should stay empty. When she came inside and recognized me, first of all she thought it was ok because she knew me to take that seat. I told her in a nice way about the sitting arrangement, but she laughed it off. What do you do in such a situation? I wish I told her how much I liked her, but that we have a different point of view when it comes to the pandemic. Would getting up be too drastic? Just to give you some context: there were many “no-sitting” seats which had been never the less taken. People were chatting sitting next to each other. But maybe they were family living in the same house? When I was focused on texting, she took of her mask. Fortunately I was about to get off.We never refuse to help out someone (that’s what we mean when we say we do what is necessary and has to be done), but we do not go to parties. We stop by to say hello with our masks on, preferably outside and we stay in touch by phone, video calls, texting etc. So we’re not ignoring anyone.It’s just hard always having to say NO to people without offending them. Only yesterday, I got an invitation from a friend to come over for lunch/dinner… whatever whenever suits us. It’s really difficult to refuse such an invitation on the grounds that we don’t have time. Of course we would be able to find a few hours in the coming week. But people around us get so offended when you tell them that you would love to see them, but that you feel that it’s best that we wait a bit for the pandemic to calm down. We even go so far as to say that we do not want to take the chance of infecting them, but they mostly shrug it off because they know how careful we are. However, they never take into account that they could infect us, fully knowing that they are not careful enough. Most of them do not wear masks even though it’s a government order. They hang out with their friends as if nothing is happening. No distancing, nothing. The same goes for work. Only yesterday we had to sign a statement (that basically protects the firm I work for) saying that we wear masks and respect distancing at work at all times. My boss told me directly that he has no intention of doing so, because he “just can’t”. Most of our friends go to restaurants, bars, cinemas, parties… and I do not judge them. I just do not want to hang out at this moment.But the social pressure is really strong. As I said people get offended even when you do not say anything upsetting (like number of infected people, of schools that have been closed etc.). Just turning their invitation is enough.Sometimes they say things like “what do you worry about, unlike me you don’t have kids?”, “of we live in a rural area, there’s no virus HERE”… I hate it when they come too close. Sometimes they do it because they forget and sometimes they do it to provoke a reaction… I just hate being the “bad guy” here. I’m doing nothing wrong.One important piece of information, they were acting like this even DURING lockdown.I’m not taking about acquaintances; I’m talking about friends here. And family. I understand that we all set our limits, why do some people have difficulty respecting others and how to “make them” without offending them?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2020): I've experienced the exact same thing. I'm cautious and I think we all should be. We dont know the long term consequences of contracting this virus. Ok it night not kill most of us right away, but what about he long term effects? In my view you are doing the right thing in turning these invitations down and staying distanced from people. It is their problem of they dont understand and only shows their ignorance/selfishness.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2020): People can be very selfish, the lock down will not change that. Of course, if they want to visit you or want you to visit them they will not like it if you say no - whatever the reason is, and if they sense you are soft, pliable, lacking conviction and a backbone, they will niggle at you to make you change your mind, question yourself or feel guilty.
Personally I would not want people who are like that in my life anyway. I would be avoiding them because of how selfish they are.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 September 2020):
 I must say that I am glad, and surprised, that for once Italy is acting sensibly and responsibly ( generally speaking, of course. There are exceptions ) Italians have a - well deserved - reputation for being self-serving, unruly, individualistic rulebenders. You don't queue for the bus here, you just assault it.
BUT : apparently, when the situation is serious enough, and there are thousands of lives at risk, then we can let discipline and civic sense prevail.
We can follow the rules.
There will be rules in place in every country , I suppose, (although maybe not as strict as we had during lockdown, when a little forbidden walk could cost you thousands of euros in fine and ,in some cases, jail time ).
You have any and every right to ask and demand that the rules are respected by everybody; it's not for the single individual to decide what helps containing the pandemy and what does not; that's a job for the government, for the Ministry of Health. You don't like how they do it ? Cool, next time vote in a different way and send up different people who'd make different choices.
For the time being, if the rule says , for instance, wear your mask inside public spaces ( bars, restaurants, etc. ) you wear your mask. If the rule is, don't sit next to each other in buses- you sit separately. If you have to maintan distancing at work, you mantain it. Simple ,isn't it ?
It's not something that leaves much room to personal interpretation. Obviously, if you live in Sweden, where the official, agreed upon rule is " just do the f..k you want " , then you do the f..k you want. But if there are rules in place to be respected, you respect them AND also make sure that other people respect them too, whether they like it or not.
You resort to the law, if a polite " would you mind... " does not give the desired result.. You call your higher ups at work, if your boss does not comply. You call the police,if needs be. You press charges. You call the appointed ,legal or sanitary, authority in charge of this particular situation. Here you'd call the " vigili urbani " ( city police ). I did it, twice ; it worked beautifully.
Of course, in the process you may ruffle some feathers, step on somebody's toes. SO big frigging what ?? You are not out to win Miss Congeniality's contest, you are out to protect your health and that of the society at large, as it is your right and your duty.
" People get offended " - are you kidding me ? Do you prefer to risk pneumonia, at best,- or to risk displeasing some friend of a friend of a third cousin ? ...
In lack of specific rules , about distance and gatherings and masks etc.- obviously your house your rules, ca va sans dire. I don't agree on taking shoes off inside the house , but I do take my shoes off without squeaking a pip if I visit people that have a no-shoes policy. Hopefully your visitors will be civil enough to do in YOUR home what you ask them ( like, sanitizing their hands or wearing a mask ) even if they think it's unwarranted .
For when you go outside.... then it's :your health, your rules . Don't feel guilty if you don't feel like going to cinemas or parties etc. Yeah, maybe you are too drastic ( personally I don't think you are, but it's a matter of opinions ), maybe you are overrating the actual danger.... again, huge so what. If you believe in the " better safe than sorry " school of thought, if you are an apprehensive type who anyway would not fully enjoy the gathering because of a niggling fear in the back of your mind, if you are not crazy about movies and parties and you can delay them to a future safer time without any particular sense of deprivation... hey you do you. It's YOUR lungs , and your life, we are talking about, and you have the right to protect them as you see fit. After all, people are quick to talk and being smartalecks, but, if you do get infected ( a remote chance... is still always a chance ) what are these people going to do, lend you one of their lungs ? Pay you back the money that you are not earning while you are sick ?...
Set your own boundaries, and stick to them. Do not even get dragged into discussions about why and how it is so. " Never explain , never complain "- you'll save time, ..and breath , which alas these days... is a pecious commodity !
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2020): This has nothing to do with saying no. Your friends are doing what they want to do and aren't forcing you to follow their ways. You do what you want to do yet... You want them to follow your ways? Sounds like your friends are the ones who should be saying no.
Have you even stated your boundaries? If not, then do so. If yes, and they don't respect them, then you need to take responsibility for yourself and do what you feel is right to protect yourself, such as not hanging out with them. It's not your responsibility to try to change others' beliefs or actions.
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A
female
reader, AnnaGreen  +, writes (15 September 2020):
 Most of us have had at least one similar scenario since the lock down. My partner and I are like you, we are very cautious. He actually stopped working for months - at great financial loss - rather than keep meeting strangers who could pass on the virus to him and then me. We decided health and safety was far more important than money. It stands to reason that if it is that important it will matter far more than pleasing others too.
We zoom with people who want to stay in touch and chatter, it is safe, and it crosses many miles. No hassle, no expense, no travelling. If we arrange to zoom at 8 pm it is happening at 8 pm, none of this rubbish about people turning up late because their car broke down or the weather was bad.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2020): You will offend people by setting boundaries and standing-up for your rights?
Are you going to live your life bowing to the will of other people, because you might "offend" them? Shouldn't they be equally as considerate of you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2020): Let me help you to think. Why is it okay for others to have a laxed attitude towards health and safety-precautions, but you're not allowed to follow your own conscience and better-judgement?
Why are you afraid of them, but they're not afraid of you???
A pandemic is controlled by your behavior and willingness to follow the recommendations of medical-professionals, the CDC (unfettered by politics), epidemiologists; and other healthcare-professionals, who are active in assuring our safety and our treatment if we get infected. If you want to protect your family and yourself, you cannot be cowardly. If you lose friends because they won't allow you to follow your own conscience and values, how can you really believe they're your friends?
I got my second negative Covid-test on 9/6/2020. I chat with my neighbors from a distance, I always wear a mask in public (although many don't); and I do what my commonsense, sense of compassion, and responsibility demands me to. I don't let other people intimidate, pressure, ostracize, or compel me into doing anything I know to be foolish or hazardous. Just because I need to keep them as friends. I can also make new friends. I love my family much more than my friends, and love God even more than that!
Proverbs 28: (The wisdom of King Solomon)
"2 When there is moral rot within a nation, its government topples easily.
But wise and knowledgeable leaders bring stability."
"4 To reject the law is to praise the wicked; to obey the law is to fight them."
"14 Blessed are those who fear to do wrong, but the stubborn are headed for serious trouble."
"28 When the wicked take charge, people go into hiding. When the wicked meet disaster, the godly flourish."
Here's the amplified version of Verse 28:
"When the wicked rise [to power], men hide themselves; But when the wicked perish, the [consistently] righteous increase and become great.
You can follow the ignorance of the reckless and foolish; or you can use your own commonsense, and outlive this pandemic.
My family and I are not panicking, nor are we living in fear. This isn't the first pandemic I've experienced; nor do I expect it to be the last. I do what I know is right; because I don't have to account for the stupidity or foolishness of others. I suffer the consequences of my own bad-judgement, and refusal to listen to good-reason and follow the facts. I won't let bullies push me around! Politics is distorting our judgement with disinformation and partisanship. Your life depends on your wise-choices. Politics doesn't care if you're dead or alive! Those of us who are Christians know that when we face Jesus on the Day of Judgement, what others did won't matter; you will be judged for what YOU did! Even those who are nonbelievers, who ascribe to using commonsense; avoid rumors, or conspiracy theories. They will not let politics gamble with their lives. They will most likely survive this pandemic. Things may never be what they used to be; but you have as much right as they do, to be bold in standing-up for what you believe is right for you.
Would you rather be at their mercy? All you'll get are their insincere claims of thoughts and prayers over your dead/dying relatives or family-members. This is a matter of your survival, my dear!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2020): I have experienced the same pressure and even argued with a friend once over calling me fearful just because I didn’t want to go her party. The funny part is she works at a hospital and obviously it’s more risky and she must be more careful around people. I just made it clear that I won’t put my kid at risk and I won’t attend any parties. I turned down another birthday party invitation but since I had no energy for reasoning and listing to her trying to convince me I just told her I have some cold symptoms, which I didn’t, and that was the end of conversation!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2020): I have experienced the same pressure and even argued with a friend once over calling me fearful just because I didn’t want to go her party. The funny part is she works at a hospital and obviously it’s more risky and she must be more careful around people. I just made it clear that I won’t put my kid at risk and I won’t attend any parties. I turned down another birthday party invitation but since I had no energy for reasoning and listing to her trying to convince me I just told her I have some cold symptoms, which I didn’t, and that was the end of conversation!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2020): HiYou should do what makes you feel comfortable, we are not here to please others or be concerned if they like us or not. What narks me is one rule for one and one rule for another. My local shop has made it very clear that they want people to wear masks as their staff do as well, this neighbourhood little shop is absolutely inundated with seaside tourists (nice in some ways and great for the businesses) but why should they not wear a mask for 2 minutes and totally disregard the safety of our neighborhood vulnerable and elderly. Totally selfish and unfair. Yes many of us have different opinions of what is really happening, conspiracy, biblical, or medical, the truth is nobody really knows at the moment. I would not feel bothered about offending someone, stand too close to me breathing down my neck and I will remove myself, quite simple. Manners don't come into it when we are dealing with self preservation a natural human trait.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 September 2020):
 Just my opinion but I think, in order to have respect from others, you must equally show respect for them. You can't "make them" respect you.
You are very condescending of your friends in your post, just because they do not believe in obeying the guidelines to the letter like you do. You are dismissive of their motives for doing what they are doing. While admitting that your actions may be "drastic", you go on to describe your friends as childish because they do not choose to act in the same "drastic" way as you do. That's not very respectful in my book.
This whole situation has divided the world. On the one hand are people like your friends who are (I assume) sceptical about the government's version of things and are doing their best to live their lives as "normally" as they can until this is over. On the other hand are people like you and your husband who are, equally understandably, terrified of what is happening and doing their best to obey every directive to the letter in an effort to protect themselves.
As you say, you are doing nothing wrong but, equally, neither are your friends. This is an unprecedented situation. Nobody knows how best to handle it. Everyone is trying to get through it as best they can. The guidelines are, at best, confusing, and, at worst, pointless. A child can mix with 30 other children in a classroom but can only have 5 of those children at a birthday party. Someone can go out to a restaurant and be in a room full of random strangers without masks but can't have their own parents round to visit. I could go on and give you a whole list of these but that is not the point of your post. I am simply trying to point out just one reason why people are not all blindly obeying - because it doesn't make sense to them.
I'm afraid it sounds like you have a choice to make here: either stand your ground and insist on sticking to your chosen path, or risk offending the friends who do not agree with you or understand you. I think most friends, while they may feel a bit put out initially by what they see as your rejection, will probably get over it in time and, once this is all over, will be back to normal with you. You may, however, stand to lose some friends and that is the risk you have to take. You can't always have your cake and eat it. Sometimes you have to make a choice.
Hoping you and your friend get through these awful times safely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2020): i know exactly how you feel i stick to the rules as much as i can and if someone wanted me to wear a mask in their home i would, i have told people for now im not allowing anyone into my home and everyone i have said it to didnt mind. As for the bus situation if youre in that situation again quickly sit in the middle of the seat so any friend that tries to sit next to you wont be able to when they see the small space you left if they ask you to move up just say oh i cant as im sticking to the rules. If people cant respect your wishes in the rules you are sticking to id just say to them for now i am sticking to government guidelines and laws until more is known. as for invites you could decline what they want to do ( knowing they dont care for the rules ) and suggest to have a picnic in the park ( im suggesting a picnic in the park because its outside and you can keep your distance but still letting your friends feel like youre being sociable with them) if they try to push you to join them id say im sorry but for now i dont want to be inside buildings that i dont need to be in the more people stick to the rules the faster it should improve and we can get back to a new ' normal 'If they cant respect your wishes when you respect theirs and are they really the kind of friends you want . You are putting yourself and everybody else first by being careful theyre not theyre being selfish and until it gets them or a family member of theirs the reality doesnt hit them
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 September 2020):
 I have a different mindset than you, I don't think we can really hide or avoid a virus. Sure, some people feel (emphasis on FEEL) that masks help and then can... to a point. They can SLOW the spread If worn correctly and of a certain quality.
However, 60-70 of the people (I see around here at least) DO no wear them right, either having them below the nose or if they are talking to someone they take the mask down (yes even in a store...) So it really lowers the effectiveness of these masks.
Does it mean I walk around with no masks on out in public? No, I wear one and I wear it correctly. My kids wear them too. My husband... refuses. So I don't go out in public with him. He is a GROWN man and can make that choice for himself, but I can make the choice to NOT go out in public with him.
But going back to your question.
Why is "not offending them" so important?
Just be firm and say, we are sticking to the guidelines that the Government has suggested and as SOON as those guidelines are gone we can ALL go back to normal.
While I think MANY people are WAY over the top with this, I CAN still respect how they feel and the choices they make.
If anyone gets OFFENDED by you turning down and invitation or don't want people over for the foreseeable future, THAT is their problem! you have to CHOOSE what is right for you and your family.
I have family back in Denmark. Schools are open (no masks), jobs, social life all open. The only PLACE you are required to wear masks are on public transport and the airports. Their numbers are not crazy high over there. But there was a period of "self isolation" which is probably why the numbers are not insanely high. Compared to Sweden who did NOTHING and have 10x the number of deaths to Covid.
I think using COMMON sense is the key. I get the pressure to be social, but again, YOU have to decide what is right for you. Let them BE offended if they want to.
As for the bus example, you are already in a closed in environment. If you wear a mask and SHE wears a mask I don't think that 1 meter would make a difference.
You can't walk on eggshells because you CHOOSE to make different life choices than them.
My second advice? Accept that there are MANY MANY things outside your control. That we have to accept that fearing those will not change anything. Same with anger. Focus on what you CAN control, what you CAN make better.
I think you are the kind of person who "Err on the Side of Caution" - "the better safe than sorry" attitude, your friends/family? just want to live life and not feel like they have to fear everything. They are more "come what may".
You be you, and let them be them. And don't LET them "bully" you into doing things you aren't comfortable with.
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