A
female
age
41-50,
*nzian
writes:Hi!I'm happily together with a very nice young man for nearly 3 years and I love him very much. At the moment he is working at the other end of town and I'm learning for exams at university, so we don't see eachother everyday. Last week I was learning till late and my friends already left. When I wanted to leave the building I walked into a man. We talked a little and he told me where in the buliding his learning place is and "if you would like to talk, just come to my place whenever you want." (I never did). Today I walked into him again and he asekd me for coffee at 4pm. So I said yes, but told him that I will take one of my friends with me. Now he wrote me an e-mail. He found my adress over university because of my unusual name. He very much would like to meet again. He is a very nice guy, but as I already said, I love my boyfriend. I didn't have the posibility to tell this man about my relationship, but I would like to tell him. Either if I will walk into him again tomorrow or I will answer his e-mail which would be the easier way I think. So my question is: How do I tell him that I'm not interessted? I've never been in such a situation before and I really don't want to hurt him. So men: if a women already has a boyfriend and is not interessted in you, what would you like her to tell you? What is a nice way to say no? Thanks for answers!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Enzian +, writes (29 August 2007):
Enzian is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for your help! Yesterday he joined me and my friends for coffee. After 10min I said, we have to go (what was actually right but mainly it was because I felt uncomfortabel. So we walked away, but after that I feel so bad, because it was obbious that we walked away from him. So I went back to say sorry and I tried to follow your advice to tell him as professional as posible that it is because I've got a boyfriend and I'm not interessted in getting too close contacts. I think he got it.
One more question: he said he is very allright with that and that he only wanted to show me that he is a normal person an legualy at that university. He would be rejected all the time because he is from a foreign country. And he tried to explain me that he feels very lonely here and doesn't exactelly know how to get in contact with people (he is from Pakistan). So I'm not sure if he was/is really interessted in me or not? But if he feels lonely, why would he try to get in contact with women?
Anyway, I told him that he would be wellcome to join me and my friends for coffee if he would be there again (the building is not very big and me and my friends often go to that little coffee room for break and so does he on its own). I think this is allright now and because I told him. Now that things are clear, I will be very dircet to tell him stopp if I would have the feeling that he would be persisting. And anyway, my boyfriend will be back next week (he knows about the story).
So thanks again for your advice.
A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous  +, writes (29 August 2007):
It all depends on what the email said, but the basics can still be there. "You're a great guy, and any woman would be lucky to have you. While I do like knowing I've stil 'got it' I do have a loving boyfriend and am devoted to him..." Of course, feel free to add or subtract to that in any capacity you wish. If there is anything specific thing you feel you need to comment on, let us know what it is (though you don't have to write it word for word).
If you do have a ring, especially from your bf, I'd wear it any time you were likely to bump into this guy just for "authenticity."
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A
male
reader, niceguy07 +, writes (29 August 2007):
 well just keep it short and sweet like u said. there are keywords that will ring off an alarm to a guy saying, ok she is not interested. they should be in this order: nice guy, but....so maybe write:
(interested persons name),
Hi i am flattered by your interest in me. I think your a really nice guy and all, but I have a boyfriend of 3 years and things are beyond great.
notice how there is not a "dear" before the name of the person is interested. that is key. also, after u tell him u think he is a really nice guy, the "and all" will get the point across quicker. there is no need to bring your boyfriends name o any other info for that matter. maybe if it was an in person thing then ok, but not via e-mail. if he persists its probably a good idea to get your boyfriend involved so that if there is emails back n forth he is in the know
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A
female
reader, Enzian +, writes (28 August 2007):
Enzian is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for answers! Because I'm not sure how professional I would be, I would prefer to write him an e-mail and just hope, I wont walk into him today. But I don't know what to write. Do you have an idea? It should be short and clear but still friendly. (He his not from my country so we would talk in English.)Thanks again!
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (28 August 2007):
Your question is a breath of fresh air due to all the usual "Should I cheat on so and so?" posts.
Basically I would say you should just tell him the truth and maybe give him a name - work it in. Something like, "Sorry, you're a great guy and all, but I have a boyfriend and (insert name here) treats me very well." If you have a ring or piece of jewelry on, it might make him more likely to realize you are telling the truth.
If he persists though, don't be gentle. Some people are persistent and think that because you were nice about it before, there is still a chance.
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A
male
reader, g man  +, writes (28 August 2007):
just say you are involved with someone and you are a genuine kind,who stays with only one man.
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A
male
reader, niceguy07 +, writes (28 August 2007):
well first off your boyfriend is very lucky to have someone like you who is honest and faithful. usually when a girl would tell me, "oh, i already have a boyfriend" i would read that as her saying that she was open for a no strings fling. 9 times out of 10 i was right. so it also depend on how u say it too. say it with a straight face, no smiles. just inform him in the most professional way you can. think of it as you as an employer and him as an interviewee. do not leave any open ends or he will take it the wrong way. hope this helps
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