A
female
age
41-50,
*eatriceandjohn
writes:I am feeling lost and tired. I started the relationship with my sons dad nearly 3 years ago. I was living in Spain at the time my life was pretty boring and sad, but steady. I had a job, a car,my own house... I had an easy life that I did not value. One day I met this guy on Facebook and woooooow I was so fascinated by him. He was creative, intelligent, funny, witty... Yes, he had difficult circumstances he was a father of 5 and one in the way and he was living with his mum but I thought it was nothing I could not overcome. We started chatting and eventually I arranged to visit him in Liverpool for a week. I did not intend to have a relationship with him not a serious one at least. That week I felt something in my tummy I had never felt... He was the man of my life!! I ended up giving up on my easy life in sunny Spain and came to live my dream with him... At his mums... That's the start of the nightmare... I wish we never did... For the time I was there we never gone anywhere on our own, ( neither of us was working)the greatest adventure was going to the pub on a Saturday... With the mum... I never enjoyed of a meal in town with him, or going to the cinema... Nothing! I started to feel part of the furniture and what I once felt started to change. Anyway, we still had moments of happiness and decided to have a baby... I thought that he was the man of my life and that having a baby was a grat idea and that we would move to a house on our own and would have a great life. Well, yes... Nothing was as planned...My belly was too big for me and my partner to sleep BOTH in a single bed in his mums, I told my dad how unhappy I was and he decided to give me the deposit for a new house, where we remain at the minute... I brought all my furniture over from my house in Spain and I thought that would be the start of a happy new life for me and him. His mum used to come every day to bring our washing down and stayed what I thought was forever on the coach with my partner to be on the laptop or for a chat while I done all the cleaning up, all that being heavily pregnant. I started being really stressed out, I wanted couple time, I did not wish her to take him the pub every Wednesday!! We had a huge fall out and although he said both of us done wrong I know he blames me for it.We was claiming as a couple and he was getting all the money for it we did not have a penny saved for my little sons wardrobe, Orr pram or cot... Nothing. My dad lent me the money again and so my son could get sorted last minute thanks to my dad.He is working now and at least now we got money for food, but now there's no more happy moments. I feel he's mean with money, I mean he done some really nice things for me... He got me the iPad for valentines day and a 3ds for my birthday, but still he gets hold of the card and gets the food he considers, leaving me with very little to cook as I'm used to Mediterranean cooking with lots of fruits and vegetables he says my way of cooking is too expensive... But he finds it great to drink cans of lager every day although that's expensive as well...Now we have more money I asked him for a wardrobe for our room-we do not have one and use a shitty wooden thing to put our clothes that I got for 40 quid and he says that a cheap one would do I said its gotta match the room and he says that's gonna be too expensive I told him we could save up a bit every day and he showed discontent.Lately we are arguing all the time, we do not seem to agree on how to spend the money I am just asking for things for the house and the family... What shall I do? How can we get back to the way we used to be? He is also very uninterested in sex he makes me feel like a gremlin, he doesn't ever initiate sex at all...I'm miserable and so is he...
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female
reader, Beatriceandjohn +, writes (13 June 2012):
Beatriceandjohn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell... We have split now again for the millionth time but I'm not feeling any better in fact I'm feeling quite low... Oh well... They say time is a healer :((
A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 The guy may have a lot of "potential", but you do not state as facts what that potential is. Exactly what IS his potential? If you consider him your "project" to get him back on course and make him achieve his potential then best of luck to you. You are looking for a job not a relationship with an equal. As for the cheating, cheating or not cheating really does not matter. You do not tell us about all of the wonderful things he does to be productive and be a great father. You came to get advice because you are not happy. If he is so wonderful, then live with the decisions you've made and work on his potential to be a great man and dad. Like I said...best of luck.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 June 2012):
 'he's got a lot of potential and that's exactly what I want-take his potential out'
What potential does he have? You obviously see something in him.
If you are asking how to change him...the answer is...you can't...nobody can change someone else.
I am glad the other aunts have backed me up here...you are very defensive over him which tells me you arn't ready to accept the truth.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012): Why on earth would you be with someone in a situation so complex and grim as he is in. 6 kids, mommy's little boy, different country, no job..what did you expect?Why couldnt you just have him for sex for couple months and then go and find yourself a good man without any children, with a job. These stories make me mad. Why on earth women cant evaluate situation properly and make life altering stupid desisions like that. Because you were bored?Some people calling it stress free, very nice life with a career, a house, some money to spare.Its a direct woman's job to find a good mate for herself so she could have a family with and raise kids. This is a job we were given at birth, because noone can do it but us, women.You did your job very poorly, you found a lousy man to be your mate creating unfavorable situation for yourself and your baby.He is like he is, he wont change. But appart from that i d advice to start looking for another mate, good one, and drop this one in a sec. He has some growing up to do. Im glad he has a job now at least.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (12 June 2012):
Ok, first off...you leave everything you have worked for in your life to be with a man who has 5 kids and one on the way? In what way does a life with him look at all appealing? I am not trying to be mean, just realistic. Living with his mom too? Listen, there is such a thing as romance, but there is also such a thing as reality. There is no romance if two people are not working, independent, and self-sufficient. Also, how can he have couple time with 6-7 kids? I am assuming he doesn't have contact with all children at all times, but nonetheless............? My best advice would be to go back to where you came from, beg for your job back, and work towards making a life for you and your son. The one thing I always wanted in my life was not to have to depend on anyone else for my livelihood. I do not want to have to depend on anyone because people and circumstances change. You are in one of those changing circumstances. While I feel for you, you have to have enough common sense to do what is sensible in life. Think about what you do before you do it because some situations can really make a mess out of life if you let them.
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A
female
reader, Beatriceandjohn +, writes (12 June 2012):
Beatriceandjohn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn the first place, he did not leave anyone to be with me..l she left him months before even me being on the scene, not long after getting pregnant to him cause she was a cheat
On the second place, he didn't sponge off the mum, his mum is a benefit claimant and he was paying for his own food when he was there...
He is an adorable guy that has had a difficult life and suffers from severe depression, he's got a lot of potential and that's exactly what I want-take his potential out
I just wanna know how to do it and if u think I'm asking for too much or what
Thank u
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 June 2012):
I am curious to know something...
Did you decide he is the man of your life because of what he TOLD you...
or because of what he DID for you?
Actions or words?
Without knowing the answer I'd conclude that he's a charmer, I mean c'mon, he had five kids and one on the way when you met him and he had no job and was living with his mum!!! He must have had to really work the silver tongue to pull you (who had a rather decent life) in!!!!
I wonder what the person he left pregnant to be with you, thought about him being the man of her life??
Whatever dream he was selling, you bought it...but there wasn't a dream was there...just his lazy behaviour, him mum doing for him and his rather large batch of left behind kids.
Everything he has now, a home, furniture was supplied by you and your dad...having sponged off his mother he probably didn't see that as a big deal sponging off of you...and even now that he has a job, he's cheap with you and controlling.
You ask 'How can we get back to the way we used to be??'
Are you talking about when you first moved back over here and moved in with his mum and had no money and no social life?
...or when you were heavily pregnant and he just sat on his arse watching telly?
...or are you talking about when he was speaking to you over facebook and using his silver tongue and bullshit dream to suck you in???
Am I missing something here? Did you forget to tell us the good stuff cos I can't quite see what it is you are trying to get back??
You cannot make a prince charming out of a low life and the way he has behaved, both before he knew you and after...it's clear to see that he is a sponging, lazy cheapskate!
I hope you have very strong arms my darling, because you are going to be holding this relationship up for a very very long time.
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