A
male
age
41-50,
*oung-man
writes:Is my partner the one for me or not?I was 18 when my I first met my boyfriend. He was my first real boyfriend and we have been together for 10 years (I'm now 28). We have lived together for 8 of those years. He is the one who fell head over heels in love with me, despite my being an immature teenager at the time, and a not very caring partner over the years. I have never felt that crazy romantic passionate love for him, and in the beginning I really only stayed because he was so wonderful to me. The months turned to years. Now I care very deeply for him but absolutely not as much as he cares for me, and I wonder, do I really love him like I should? He loves planning our long term future together, but I dislike even thinking about our future together. He has continued to love me over the years with his whole heart, despite a couple of affairs I had in the first couple of years of our relationship, and despite my trying to break up with him four years into our relationship. He is always keen to keep the lines of communication open in order that we can discuss and resolve our relationship issues, such as the affairs, and we try to be as honest with each other as possible. However, for the past six years I have felt that something is wrong and I don't want to be here and that I don't even want to try and resolve my feelings of wanting out. I recently tried to break up with him (again), but he was extremely upset and almost died in front of me, his shock was so great and his heart was so broken. I simply couldn't bear to hurt him so badly and we talked about it for 6 hours where he persuaded me to stay a little longer and try to work it out. I agreed to stay but I still have the nagging doubt.So, I have waited 10 years for my love to grow, and yet I still don't know if it's there. I feel awful as I may have wasted his time, even though he told me that if I did break up with him he could never hate me for that. In fact I have come to understand that no matter what I do, he will always love me unconditionally. It's pretty scary.How can others so easily say, "he/she is the one", but it is so hard for me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2012): DUDE! Just show him this post. Show him people's responses. Get his reaction. Maybe you can even work something out where you get lucky and he's ok with being with you and you being with other people too.
That'd be shitty, but come on.
What if you were in his shoes? You've given someone you apparently love chance and chance again, stuck through rough times, helped this person build a better life, etc...
In one way it seems he made you into the person he wanted you to become, while simultaneously you rebelled against the father figure as is only natural.
He probably doesn't realize what he's doing. What you've done. What either of you should do.
Both should find someone else.
The dynamic is not entirely understood by me because I'm straight, but I doubt that makes a difference when it comes to love, right?
Again, just my opinion, briefly, and glad you followed up with a response.
Update again if you'd like.
Good luck
A
male
reader, young-man +, writes (4 July 2012):
young-man is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it! I have been carefully considering everything so much over the past month and am still struggling, and as of yet still haven't broken up as some advised.
For everyone who suggested taking a no-contact break, that would be difficult as our lives / financials / everything are so intertwined. Plus I've always believed / heard that taking a break simply leads to breaking up, and you might as well just break up in the first place.
Instead I've tried very hard to appreciate his love for me and reciprocate his feelings. I've tried to dig deep into my own heart and realize that what I feel for him is genuine love and not to take him for granted. When I do this, I definitely feel that he is worth so much to me when he's at work, but when he gets home I get the same old frustrated feelings about being trapped and annoyed and resenting him. I try but am failing to enjoy our time together and all the little things.
Aunt Honesty you mentioned it is kinder to let him go to find someone who would properly return his love, but he is 36 now, isn't it going to be hard for him to find a mutual love? That does take years plus I think he'll take a very long time to get over me.
BlackbirdYoung you said: "there has to be more that's kept you with him than fear of what he'll feel." Well when I met my boyfriend I was not close with my family for various reasons and I think he made up for that. He was almost like a fatherly figure to me (he's eight years my senior), who helped me mature from an inconsiderate teenager into a responsible, caring adult. He was a good match for me at that time of my life, so you could say in a way that I was using him (unwillingly!). Also, what's kept me with him is him! He has always been the one holding our relationship together through good and bad times and even when I've wanted to break up.
Tisha-1 something tells me your advice is what I should follow, but I don't have the courage to go through with breaking up, as I don't yet have the conviction that it is the right thing to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): i think the fact that you've cheated on him a few times already is proof enough he should have left. but he hasn't, and clearly loves you.it's been ten years. most marriages don't even last that long nowadays. there has to be more that's kept you with him than fear of what he'll feel.and clearly there's some extremely rare level of love in him that's foolishly made him stay with an unfaithful and unloving partner.i'd be surprised if you find anything better. but do what you will. don't mean to be harsh. i think the fact that he stayed with you after you fooled around is enough to make you have lost respect but not known what to do. doubtful another man will love you as deeply, but likely another man will love you.whatever you do, you'll have lost something AND /or gained it. i think the break idea, but for maybe 6 months is a good idea.though, considering how you "feel" you'll end up hooking up with other dudes, then go back to the comfort he offers, and do you want that? In my opinion, you made up your mind when you first were dating, and for what ever readon, you've stayed with him since. if he's been unfaithful too, it's a different story, but it sounds like you've just taken your cake and eaten it too and now are worried because you're older AND perhaps haven't had as many affairs or many more after when you were young he'll be the last one to accept you. fact is, he clearly without a doubt accepts you. though you may keep in mind that his love for you may be lesser than the lesser love you perceive you have for him, he may be with you out of his own moral obligatory terms, and for him that love's enough.any man to forgive a cheating girl more than once if at all is a fool of fool's, and a tool to be used. so continue using him and comfort his insecurities by staying, or leave him and give him the opportunity to become a man -- which considering the story, he likely won't.my opinion, take it for what it is.you should have left him 8 years ago and let him grow before you essentially have destroyed him regardless of your staying or going.that meaning, you'll easily find a partner, whereas he'll have given up until someone worthy of him shows up to love him - which is unlikely considering the known history related to us on this public forum. again, my opinion, not judgement. good luck.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 Do him a big favor. Please go ahead with the break up. You are not going to make a successful longterm relationship with this mindset and I don't see how you can stay with thin if, after 10 years, you don't know he's the one.
This obviously will be a difficult time for him, but this is something he will have to go through on his own. Do not stick around to comfort him and do not talk about the break up, try to justify or rationalize it to him. This is only giving him hope and a lever to get back in there, wear you down and get you to stay in something you obviously are already mentally out of.
Make sure your mutual friends know what you have done (after you break up with him) so that he has someone to turn to for support. That is not your role, okay?
Be gentle as you can but be firm and then leave. Do NOT stick around and have a discussion about it. It is not your job to hold his hand or make him feel better about it.
The sooner he can begin the process of mourning the end of the relationship, the sooner he can go through the grief process and wind up with a partner who does want to be with him, one hundred and ten percent. You are not the right partner, only he doesn't want to accept that yet.
Go be brave, kind, but brave. Report back and let us know how it goes. If he threatens self-harm, be sure you notify his family ASAP or call emergency services to get him the help he may need.
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reader, Starlights  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 Its normal to have an occasinal doubt about a relationship but your questioning the most fundemental things!
i think you need to take some *space* to figure out what it is really your wanting and go from there.
If this guy loves you, he'll understand and allow you the space you need to feel what you wish to do.
You could love him but not be IN LOVE.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012): "How can others so easily say, "he/she is the one", but it is so hard for me?"Because he's not the one. He was your first boyfriend as a teenager, very rarely do first loves become lifetime relationships. You're both very different people than you were ten years ago, people change and grow and evolve, and besides you were never in love with him the way he was/is infatuated with you. You say you "feel awful as [you] may have wasted his time,"but what about the ten years of YOUR life that you've wasted on a relationship that never was. You obviously love what he does for you, but you've never loved him, and staying with him out of obligation, appreciation, gratitude or guilt is doing neither of you any favors. You can continue to wait for something that will never happen (your love will grow) or you can accept reality so both of you can move on with your lives while you're still young enough to do so.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 June 2012):
 Look it is obvious you are only staying in this relationship because you do not want to hurt him. That is not a reason to stay though. Yes it will hurt him but he will get over it and move on with his life after time. But what worries me is you may leave him and then regret it and realise that it is him that you wanted to be with after all. You have so many doubts though that I think you need a break to clear your head and see what direction your life will go. I think the best thing for you to do is to take a months break from each other, I mean no contact nothing!! Maybe you could rent a house for a month or even move in with a friend and just use that time apart from him to figure out what you want, after the month meet up and discuss how you both feel, but be honest with yourself and don't just stay because you don't want to see your partner suffer. Because it is actually kinder to let him go and find someone who loves him just as much.
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