A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Has anyone here held off the idea of throwing a 1yr old birthday party for tgeir baby? My baby turns 1 next month. Myself and dad mostly dad planned to not throw her a party. For some reason i have started to feel really bad. I feel like i was coarsed into the idea by her dad who already has 2kids before our marriage from another. I feel like he looks at my child not so special. This is my firsr child for Christ sake. Money is not the issues. His excuse is he just doesn't like parties and noise. He said his other wife's family threw a party behind his back and he was forced to show up. His second child he flew them to Dubai. He is planning to do the same for ours but right now we don't even have tickets purchased.The more people ask me the more guilty i feel. I've even considered something really small in our backyard he shut it down. Pleass help with how I'm going to take knowing i want a party for her but she may not get one. If its happened to you before i want to hear from you and how you dealt with it.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (7 August 2016):
Do you remember your first birthday? How was the party?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI ordered a cake and some picture props and birthday outfits. I think it will end up neing us just 3 then for this one ??i will just have to deal with the guilty trip. I like the idea of no guest more than the age. I will use that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2016): It seems to me, that it is more about his ex, not about you or the baby? Don't look at his ex. Don't compare yourself. You are you and your baby is yours. Don't worry about her. It's not her life. And hers is not yours.So if your husband says that his ex did that all behind his back, it seems to me that he was very unhappy with that. It was probably not the only thing she did behind his back and it might be one reason why she is his ex now.So don't do the same mistake!So talk to our husband. Ask about his wishes and tell him yours and try to find a compromise.And about the baby: One year olds usually don't like parties. The don't feel very comfortable with a lot of people. I would rather suggest that you invite just one ore two important people or enjoy the day just the three of you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2016): I really can not understand, why people would throw a birthday party for their baby thats turned 1. 1! It's a baby. I've got three kids and we never throw a big birthday party for any birthday.I made a nice cake for all birthdays. I also decorate a little bit. We sing happy birthday and give gifts.Maybe we invite one ore two guests, like one of the baby's aunts and the two cousins or maybe his godparent. But there is a rule that you never invite more people than the baby's age. So if the baby turns one, you invite one guest. Once my child was 5, he could invite 5 friends himself. (It was 6 at the end, but thats not the point. The point is, it should not be 15).I joined several birthdays for babies turning one, when their parents would invite a lot of people. The end was the baby was crying. Too much noise. The perents were stressed. Noone was happy.On one child's first birthday we went to the zoo. I don't know how much the child realised about it, but it was certainly interested in the monkeys and the elephant. For one other child we went to a nice lake with a big sandy beach. The child was so happy moulding and having his legs in the wather. The child was very happy.Don't make a big party. Make a nice cake and some decorations. Give your child nice clothes to make nice picture of it and do something a one-year-old would like and you can enjoy too (but a big party will not be that thing!)
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (4 August 2016):
 It’s true; the whole 1st Birthday Party is more about the parents making a fuss... Not so much for the child who won’t remember farting out her candle.
Although if you’ve wept as I have at a child’s funeral, who didn’t reach her 2nd or first Birthday; you’ll quickly book Chucky Cheese!?
Celebrate acknowledge this blessed little ones life which ever way you wish… Sure it’s more about us than the child who won't remember you throwing a party or not on their special day. Yet I rather hear the sounds of life; noise and have a small crowd of happy family and friend’s than hear the weeping of tears.
Happy 1st. Birthday and many more little one
CAA
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm a little relieved guys. Thanks
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 August 2016):
 Whether or not a birthday party is held.... Print a copy of this submittal.....
When your daughter turns 18, pull out this submittal (the copy you made)... and ask her if she remembers - or doesn't remember - her first birthday party. (I'm guessing she won't...)
When parents do things like this (hold a party for a child who won't even be cognizant of what is happening...) it is for THEM (their ego).... and has nothing to do with the kid....
Good luck...
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (2 August 2016):
 I think 'first birthday' parties are a fairly recent phenomenon. My parents didn't throw one for me, nor any of my siblings, nor did my relatives, nor family friends. Neither me nor my siblings threw first birthday parties for our kids, nor did any of my friends for theirs, and their parents didn't have them for them or any of their siblings.
In fact I can't say I know anyone in my circle of family, extended family, friends or acquaintances who has thrown a first birthday party for an infant.
If you want to have a gathering of friends and family, by all means have one, but you don't have to do this for a child's first birthday. This is not proof of your love for them. I suspect at least some of the people who ask you aren't asking because they think you should but because they know it's something of a trend these days and they're just wondering if you're one of those who follows it.
Your child will not remember the birthday party. In fact she'll be hard pressed to remember much before the age of 3. Birthday parties are for the child, and when she's old enough to appreciate them (about age 4) invite only the number of children she'll be able to socialize with. For example age 4, invite 4 kids.
You can make other birthdays special by treating her to a nice day, ordering dinner in, taking her and a friend to the cinema, roller skating, whatever.
Parties are not proof of your love.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 August 2016):
 IF the family is ok not having one then do not bend to the pressure of friends. Family you are stuck with... friends come and go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindycare andno nonsense lifton i will consider a family party but i have a small family. Others are based abroad. My dad is not going to be around because he will be traveling to bury his mom my only grandparent left in this world. My brother is in the military away. My sister and mom left. If they want to chucky cheese we can definitely do that. I'm more concerned about friends who keep asking and pressuring me to throw her one.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (2 August 2016):
 I don't see the need for a big party, just a small one with the three of you, maybe with a couple of relatives for photos, as it is a landmark birthday, but the child won't understand, so it's for the family's memories.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha 1 i am definitely not afraid of him. I reasoned with him because i don't like noise and crowd myself. So our minds was already made up. It's just yhe closer it gets I'm feeling guilty because my parents threw me a big 1yr party.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 August 2016):
 Ok, I realize that I am a minority of one here, but tbh I agree with your husband. I find the idea of throwing a party for an 1 y.o. baby... downright bizarre. The birthday girl won't know, won't understand, won't appreciate- probably in fact she will disturbed in her schedule for naps and meals, and she will be annoyed and scared by all the fuss , attention and commotion. I know that you want to create memories, but your husband is not suggesting to let your daughter's 1st birthday pass totally ingnored, he wants to celebrate in the way that's more adequate to her age : mommy, daddy, and a nice cake with a big candle for the pictures.
Speaking of which, I think that, when watching her baby album in a few years time, she would be much more upset looking at the pictures of a big party where her dad is nowhere to be seen...than at the pics of a simple, small celebration with just her parents.
If you are afraid grandparents, uncles and aunts will be disappointed- just bring the child over to grandma 's ( or other close relative ) house for lunch or dinner; then , if they want to prepare a special meal ,or invite other relatives, it's up to them and you can't prevent them.
I had an only child that was much fussed about, and I agree that many times a parent HAS to put aside his/her personal tastes and preferences in order to make the child happy. Reason for which I, who hate crowds and noise etc. " did " a lot of Disneyland , Halloween parties , birthday parties , amusement parks, theme parks, treasure hunts.. you name it and I have done it : BUT all this when my child was old enough to ask for these things and love them and enjoy them , not when he was so young that all he wanted was to be let alone to play with his toes .
I don't think that your husband does not care about your chid or sees her as less special- he is just being logical. What's the point of throwing a prty for someone who is , for now, totally indifferent to parties ?
Is it for the relatives, the grandparents, the family friends ?...Fine . Let THEM organize ( and pay ) a party at THEIR house, and invite you , if they care so much about celebrating !
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (2 August 2016):
I think you should have a small celebration if you want that he does not have to attend.
Separately you can mark the occasion yourselves as a family.
I personally find these lavish parties for kids too Young even to remember a bit silly. But it is a special moment, and if you want to celebrate it with a few friends, I think that is fair enough.
I wish you all the very best.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (2 August 2016):
 Could you possibly have a simple bday celebration with just the three of you and then plan a more elaborate one separately for all of your friends and family that he doesn't have to attend? Would he compromise on that?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 August 2016):
 You’re married, okay, are you afraid of him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha 1 i meant to say his ex wife. We are married.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLlifton he just doesn't want any party. He wants one with just me him and the baby with a cake and pictures that's it.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 August 2016):
 He doesn't HAVE to be there.
The first (I'd say 3-4 ) birthdays are NOT really for the kid as they don't really have much of a concept of WHAT a birthday is, specially not a 1 year old. They don't give a flying fart. BUT the FAMILY around the baby does.
I never had elaborate birthdays for my kids till they were in school, mostly because we had little to no family around to invite. So it was smaller affairs, but just as joyous. We just had a birthday for our 14 year old. It was a bunch of her friends, some good food, cake and a bond-fire. Her family (except her "pseudo aunt and uncle" and MY dad) all forgot about her. Never called, didn't show up (and yes we had let them know) and she was fine with that. Was it noisy? Yep. Some of her friends stayed 3 more days AFTER the party too.
IF you have family and friend who WANTS to celebrate that special day, tell him that HE can choose to be there or not.
However if you don't REALLY want to throw a birthday party, then don't. Little one won't care.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 August 2016):
Are you afraid of him for any reason? You said “he shut it down” when you talked about doing something really small in your backyard.
If he doesn’t like parties and noise he can do what antisocial fathers do and retire to the man cave or the den or where ever the party isn’t.
You did say something a bit strange, you said “his other wife’s family threw a party behind his back.” His OTHER wife? Wouldn’t it be his EX wife? And you are his current wife or his girlfriend?
If you are a girlfriend and know this relationship is on its last legs then get the party done without him.
If you are his wife and fearful of what he’ll do to you please find your way to some help. I have a link for you here http://www.thehotline.org
What seems a bit odd is that he thinks an infant would to go to Dubai rather than having a fun day in a backyard with friends and family.
You could always just take your daughter over to a girlfriend’s house while he’s at work and have an “impromptu” birthday party.... just saying....
But I go back to your age of 30-35, those odd details, and I think there’s something we don’t know about the nature of this situation, something that is important and telling.
P.S. Her first birthday is really for you. That you can’t have a simple first birthday party for her is mind-boggling--- okay, strange.... ---- odd. Okay, it’s really really sad. For you and for her.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (2 August 2016):
I don't really understand what his problem is. What does he have against birthdays? I have a couple of thoughts on this. First thought is that your child will never know the difference because he or she will never have a memory of it anyway. However parents always take pictures of their child's first birthday. It would be a fun memory to look back on. They only have one first birthday and so on. Make the most of it. So I say if you are feeling guilty about not having a party with family invited, then just do it anyway. Plan it without him and tell him he doesn't have to go. If he doesn't want to be a part of it he doesn't have to be.
I don't have kids but I surely know that if I did I wouldn't miss one single birthday. Seems a bit odd to me. Don't let him persuade you otherwise if you are feeling that bad about it.
On the other hand is it just that he doesn't want large groups of people there to celebrate? Does he just want it to be him and the baby? I could kind of understand that if that's the case. Because I'm not one for large crowds. Can you clarify if it's just that he doesn't want to do anything or if he just doesn't want lots of people invited?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2016): I think some kind of acknowledgement of your daughter birthday is needed. Certainly as a mother of 3, I feel it's warranted now 1 year old aren't going to remember it but they will when older through pictures etc .. A family celebration I would say is the main thing here . I think you need to say listen I'm inviting her Granby n grandpa on both sides xyz aunt uncles and if you want to come if not go suck your thumb in the corner .
It's to mark .. her day .. and you have ever right to celebrate it .. I would wonder what happen when's she 2 ..or 5 etc will he still feel the same if you give in the now ..
Chin up and let's us know what you decide to do ..
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