A
male
age
30-35,
*ylan co
writes:I have been going out happily with my gf for 9 months. I'm 21. Recently however I have been getting very insecure about our sex and whether it is actually good for her. Sure we do it a lot and sometimes she orgasms, some she doesn't. The problem is I know she likes to masturbate a lot and while we first started going out she never mentioned it but now there will be a week when we have sex every day and one night a week I don't see her and the first thing she always tells me quite nonchalantly is how amazing her masturbation was. I've brought up that she never really says that to me but she says I'm just being silly and has only started to say that in the last couple of weeks. If I don't see her for 4 days she is likely to mention hew great it was back on the 1st day we were apart. Sexually it makes me feel not needed and I'm starting to feel inadequate and that I'd rather have no sex with her. She tells me how she goes routinely for 3 or 4 orgasms and that is something I'd rarely if ever give her. If I ask her to compare with masturbation she says its entirely different yet cos of my insecurities I tried to subtely get her to compare the two and masturbation Trumps it. Yet when we talk she won't admit anything of the sort. Am I being paranoid or overly insecure? Any feedback would be much appreciated
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): My bf has got it figured out. He makes sure that during foreplay I "get off" at least 2-3 times before we actually have intercourse an the foreplay lasts as long as I need it to so we both enjoy it and both of us are satisfied. But,communication is important.Make sure you know what really turns her on during foreplay and then drive her wild.
A
female
reader, ktmae  +, writes (6 September 2012):
 Think about it this way . . . You are taking care of her most important needs . You should feel lucky she is so open to you.there are not many like that . A good idea would be to not make her feel like she has to hide things like that in fear of hurting your feelings. i hope yall find a happy medium because it seems like a good relationship so good luck to yall and dont worry so much about it she obviously sees alot in you .
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male
reader, dylan co +, writes (6 September 2012):
dylan co is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk again thanks for advice. I will try to use fingers more during penetrative. Answering do I masturbate yes I do but not near the amount she does.
I believe for me sex is so much better than masturbation in terms of my pleasure but I feel the opposite is true for her. And she does watch a lot of porn which I found arousing and amusing at first but not any more. She can't masturbate without porn. I know I should be glad that at least she is not going to another man.
She has only said once that she thought about me while masturbating.
So I feel sex emotionally pleases her as I am pleased and she enjoys pleasing me, but she physically pleases herself when I'm not around, which shattered my confidence and believes that I was physically pleasing her and not just on an emotional level. She says the perks with me are cuddles and kisses and that is about it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2012): Do you ever masturbate on your own, OP?
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (5 September 2012):
 Well she is obviously a very sexual person. If you have sex every night and she still masturbates then she just enjoys getting off. I don't think feeling needed is really something to feel. No one really NEEDS someone else to get off, we can all do it on our own. She has perfected her masturbation to where it can't be done by any other person but her. I don't think it means she prefers it to you. If she turned down sex with you in favor of masturbation then I could see you getting insecure, but it's in addition. It doesn't mean she is unhappy with your sex life. She enjoys getting off a lot and can't do her form of masturbation with you.
The only thing I would say to is to make sure when you have sex you are getting her off. You say she doesn't orgasm every time so are you using your hands to stimulate her and help her get off? Do you do oral to get her off if the sex didn't do it? I get off every time I have sex either by use of his hands or oral. If your hand techniques or oral isn't working to get her off then look up some better techniques. Also try to keep sex interesting. She will likely always masturbate but you can be sure she is completely satisfied with you. Remember it has nothing to do with your ability if she wants to get off when she's home by herself. And don't be jealous of her. It's not like she's using another man as a means to go or porn you don't agree with.
If you can't deal with it no matter what changes are made then ask her to stop telling you about it. I assume your communication is very open and you have discussed it makes you feel inadequate so say you don't want to hear it.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 September 2012):
 IF I had a nickel for every girl who would rather masturbate than spend intimate time with me..... I would be a VERY rich guy!!!!!
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A
female
reader, ktmae +, writes (5 September 2012):
she would probly think it was hot for you to watch and play with your own watching her get off . sometimes that can be really sexy !!! then have awsome sex ... or finnish yourself . get web cam just for you two when your not around each other ... then when you get back together the anticipation of oral and sex ... yeah ... thats all i got to say . put somee thought into it . she is not trying to discourage you i think she is trying to possibly turn you on . so next time ask her how it felt , how wet , tell her you can picture her .... well you get the picture . sometimes its a sexy game and a fun one . she seems like a cool girl very open to you .
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male
reader, dylan co +, writes (5 September 2012):
dylan co is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for ur advice. Another thing is the way she masturbates is by crossing her thighs and squeezing, not necessarily using fingers so its hard to adopt in the bedroom. So I don't see how I could join in other than watching. I know she enjoys oral and I do mostly give her it but still
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A
female
reader, Peonysheart +, writes (5 September 2012):
 Most woman do masturbate, its normal. Masturbation for either sex is normal. Learning your own body, and it's needs are healthy. If you cant please yourself, how do you expect your partner to do so.
Try getting her to include you. It can be fun and rewarding in your relationship.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (5 September 2012):
 Have you tried talking to her about it? I'd say the two things you need to ask are, a) is there anything about our sex life you think we could improve/I can do to make it better? And b) ask her to talk about it less? How do you know she thinks masturbation trumps it? How about if you ask her to put her hand over yours to show you what she likes so you can try to replicate it, and ask her to do it to herself while you are having sex so she can get off during sex? Most women don't find sex to be the be all end all of sexual pleasure unless there's fingers and/or oral along with it.
I don't think it's a reflection on your skills at all. It's been shown repeatedly in poll after poll and study after study that women who masturbate in their relationships feel more satisfied with their sex life, not less.
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A
female
reader, ktmae +, writes (5 September 2012):
thing is most women dont orgasm from sex alone . There is the occassional few times it happens but for most it stems from oral sex is great to have to exspecialy after a big o from oral.makes everything more sensitive kinda like after yall go. Try adding games they can be alot of fun but i think she is just trying to include you in her pleasure possible dropping a hint for more oral but what you would have to worry about is if she stops including you bc of insecurities.this is something she enjoys.try possitions where she can masterbate during sex or you rub for her beleive me its great and then your included even more.try talking sexy on the phone when your not together masterbate together switch it up some . Creativity is good . Good luck
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 September 2012):
 Don't worry about it watch and learn...she may allow you to help. Then it becomes really good!!!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 September 2012):
If you continue to fret over this issue.... I'm sure you can get it to impact your relationship. Is that what you want?
Why not focus on the time(s) that you and your G/F enjoy one-another, and are intimate.... and let yourself be satisfied with what, otherwise, sounds like a pretty good relationship?
good luck...
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