A
female
age
41-50,
*onely planet
writes:This isn't a question. I am just going through a difficult patch and was wondering if anyone had any advice. I fell in love with a guy towards the end of last year (October/November time). He made it very clear that he didn't want anything serious. I backed off completely. He met someone else (he didn't tell me but I am not stupid - I worked it out for myself) and I just gave him all the space he needed and left him alone. During all of that time I have not been able to stop thinking about him. He sent me a message today confirming what I already knew in that he had been seeing someone else. He also said that he was in a dilemma as she was 'trouble', didn't know what to do as he did like her, but they had issues already (unplanned pregnancy, miscarriage, his infidelity (one of the reasons he didn't want me was that he wasn't ready to be serious which is fair enough) etc). He felt that he owed me the truth. I don't know why he felt the need to tell me all of this now because I never asked anything of him - I just walked away. Either way, this message really upset me. And it hasn't helped with my feelings towards him. Please don't say I need to keep myself busy...I do - I ride horses out and go to the gym early in the morning before work, I run during my lunch hour, I either go back to the gym in the evenings or go and visit my parents/friends. Anything to keep myself busy and my mind off my feelings for him. Any suggestions as I am at my wit's end? I am done with feeling sad/sorry for myself. Yet I don't seem to be able to forget him.
View related questions:
fell in love, infidelity Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Eilish +, writes (28 February 2011):
 Hello sweetie.First off, bless you. I know how hard it is coming to terms with the fact that the person you love doesn't want you. It hurts, it really does.I know it may feel like you're never going to get over him, but trust me sweetie, you are. Day by day it will get easier and easier to forget about him. It just takes time and commitment to do so. Get rid of anything that reminds you of him. Throw them away. It'll be a lot harder trying to get over someone when there are constant reminders.Next, why not invite to do something with your friends? My friends always seem to put a smile on my face whenever I feel down. They also help to take your mind off things and cheer you up, so it's worth a try.This male seems to be a player. He may be bragging to you about his relationship with this other woman but truth is you had a lucky escape hunny. You're better off without people like that. He said he didn't want a serious relationship, but then gets with someone else. People who don't want seriousness go out and enjoy themselves, not rush into another relationship.Keeps smiling. Keep doing your hobbies. But sometimes being left alone with your own mind is what makes it harder. Get the girls out with you. Go out for the night. You'll enjoy it. Hope I helped and I hope you get over him soon.
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (28 February 2011):
 @ fi, aw, we've all been there i think! and it feels sh!t but i believe that people have the ability to get over ANYTHING (or at least learn to deal comfortably with the worst stuff) it just takes time
@OP, yes you are keeping your self busy but it almost sounds like you are keeping yourself TOO busy and all you are gonna end up doing is exhausting yourself and then you will actually feel weaker emotionally, so SLOW DOWN ok? let us all remember that it is NATURAL to grieve, it is no good running away from it the way you seem to be trying to do OP
the last time i had my heart really broken i felt annoyed at myself that i was staying sad for so long, i would wake up every day and his face would be the first picture in my mind and THAT would make me annoyed at myself, but as time went on, little by little and day by day so subtly that i did not even notice i must have been gradually getting better, until one day i caught myself thinking 'hey i haven't thought about him all day!'
i was not doing any thing particularly special to make this transformation, it sounds like a cliché but it really is true... 'time is a healer'. i went from missing him and wanting to ask him why he had left (coz he had just disappeared without a word), feeling worthless, wanting to 'bend my mates ears' about him all the time - like as if THEY had any answers for me, him being the first thought in my head in the morning and the last thought at night, not eating, to actually hating him ( i found out that he had got back with the ex who he'd told me he couldn't stand and who had 'been pestering' him to get back together - which i had already suspected would happen even when i was still with him)and actually not being interested in any reason or excuse he might come up with if i now asked him why he did what he did. he actually asked me twice to get back with him, the first time i got a lot of enjoyment out of saying no, the second time (months later) i said no with about as much feeling as being offered a biscuit that i didn't fancy!
OP - you WILL get there, honestly you will! and i KNOW it doesn't feel it now but you SO will. just be patient with yourself. when you have come out of the other end of this you will be emotionally stronger for it. i am not saying you will never have your heartbroken like this again and that it won't ever affect you this much, but if you can take something out of this it will be the knowledge that you CAN get over disappointments of this sort
best wishes
xx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): I developed strong feelings for one the dad's at my son's school. I think they were mutual but I am not sure how strong his feelings were. But he just stopped showing up and I do not see him anymore. I guess this is telling me his feelings for me were not as strong as I thought. So the fact he is no longer around has helped ease these feelings and I am on the road to recovering completely.We cannot be together because we are both married. The situation with my husband is not ideal and I can't say that I am totally happy being with him. I sometimes wish I was with this other guy instead. I know that if we were both available, it might have been different between us.It is very sad having to kill genuine feelings and letting them die because it can never be. It is so sad and hard to get over but you eventually will. At first, I was so down and I cried a lot but as time went on, I cried less until the crying stopped completely. The person in time just becomes a memory and life does go on. And sometimes it is for the best, as painful as the experience is. You definitely learn from it and about yourself. In many ways, it allows you to become stronger and happier.
...............................
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (28 February 2011):
 angelDelight, i like your answer. Very useful as i am also struggling to forget about someone. Maybe i should take your advice and use it in my own situation.OP, i hope you can get your head straight soon, it's never fun feeling low like this. All the best :)
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (28 February 2011):
hi well November was not long ago really so don't feel bad and inpatient with yourself that you are not over him yet. it will happen when it happens. do you still feel as bad now as you did when you first split up with him?? getting over someone is never a quick thing if you have had genuine feelings for them. please try to see the relationship for what it was - one sided. he did not want anything serious with you and then he took up with someone else.its good that you have got hobbies but these are just your usual routine and i suppose you are not finding them much fun at the moment? plan something really good with your mates - a holiday or a break, even some nights out. i don't think you will get over or forget him while he is still in contact with you and asking you for advice on his latest relationship, so maybe it would be for the best if you told him to go and sort his own life outxx
...............................
A
female
reader, lonely planet +, writes (28 February 2011):
lonely planet is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe miscarried, so she is no longer pregnant. I replied and said I was sorry to hear what he was going through and left it at that. It just drives me nuts because I have made myself busier and busier to take my mind off him....I literally do not stop from 5.30am to 9pm when I go to bed. I am tired to the point I can hardly concentrate. And yet I cannot get him out of my head. I have tried making new friends and going on dates (I have not slept with anyone since him) to try and move on. Yet nothing works. It's been nearly four months.
...............................
A
female
reader, Bobbyjo +, writes (28 February 2011):
 I am in kinda the same situation, where I cant forget a guy I cant have, for reasons different to yours but still hard to deal with. He lives and works miles away from me. I met him when he was working in my hometown for 2 months. We started a relationship, I fell in love with him. He wanted to have a long distance relationship when he went home, but one week into it he called me to say he couldnt do it and it was over. Im heartbroken. And Im feeling all sorry for myself, and cant get him out of my head no matter WHAT I do. I would advise you to contact him and ask him not to contact you again as it is not fair. Then, just take each day as it comes. Thats all I can do too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (28 February 2011):
 Its hard to know how to respond. You already realize this guy is not much of a catch Who knows why he wrote to you? Maybe as he said, he felt he owed you azn explanation and that you wouldn't be judgmental.
POSSIBLY he does at some level now wish he had gotten involved with you instead of her. Or maybe he would like to have your (platonic) frriendship.
What do you want to do? Write back and say you are sorry to hear the mess he's in and leave it at that? Not
respond to his message? Tell him - in your own mind - not write and say so! to go to hell? He's not asking you to necesssarily do anything, and if this woman is pregnant, he's going to have to be prepared to give her child support, whether he stays with her as a boyfriend or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (28 February 2011):
Its hard to know how to respond. You already realize this guy is not much of a catch Who knows why he wrote to you? Maybe as he said, he felt he owed you azn explanation and that you wouldn't be judgmental.
POSSIBLY he does at some level now wish he had gotten involved with you instead of her. Or maybe he would like to have your (platonic) frriendship.
What do you want to do? Write back and say you are sorry to hear the mess he's in and leave it at that? Not
respond to his message? Tell him - in your own mind - not write and say so! to go to hell? He's not asking you to necesssarily do anything, and if this woman is pregnant, he's going to have to be prepared to give her child support, whether he stays with her as a boyfriend or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (28 February 2011):
Its hard to know how to respond. You already realize this guy is not much of a catch Who knows why he wrote to you? Maybe as he said, he felt he owed you azn explanation and that you wouldn't be judgmental.
POSSIBLY he does at some level now wish he had gotten involved with you instead of her. Or maybe he would like to have your (platonic) frriendship.
What do you want to do? Write back and say you are sorry to hear the mess he's in and leave it at that? Not respond to his letter? Tell him - in your own mind - not write and say so! to go to hell?
...............................
A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (28 February 2011):
 Even though he told you up front that he didn't want anything serious, you fell in love with him. You can't stop thinking about him because you are grieving the loss of what might have been. That is a legitimate loss. It sounds like, to you, he was the one.You are upset because he did just what he said he didn't want to do - he went out with another woman and now is in a serious relationship (whether he wanted one or not). This hurts you because you love him. You wouldn't have done to him what this other woman has done - trapped him. Now he is stuck and he is turning to you for comfort. I think, even though he said he didn't want anything serious, you two "clicked." At the very least, you developed a friendship. Telling you he thought he owed you the truth was an excuse to contact you. This was wrong on his part, because it is so hurtful to you. So, what exactly does he want now? Does he want you to save him from this pickle he has gotten himself into? That is not your job. I think he is quite self centered and inconsiderate. In time you will see that. I won't tell you to keep busy. It will take as long as it takes to grieve the loss of this relationship. The fact that he contacted you is slowing your healing process and that is why you might be so upset.My advice is to find someone to date. There are many avenues for singles to meet these days. Seeing someone else will help take your mind off this man. You seem like a very together woman. I am sure there is a guy out there that will treat you as you deserve.
...............................
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (28 February 2011):
In theory it's easy, you just need to stop feeling so sorry for yourself. Maybe a change of routine might break you out of this rut. Shake things up a bit, the change should keep your brain actively OFF of this guy.
...............................
A
male
reader, lakers_lover09 +, writes (28 February 2011):
Let it hurt. People say keep busy but sometimes that doesn't allow you to address the feelings. Write how you feel everyday on paper as if you were talking to him and LET IT OUT. Keep a journal. You can ignore feelings all day but it's when you address them that makes them go away ;)
...............................
|
