A
male
age
51-59,
*onfusedincali
writes:I am so confused. I am married and our sex life doesn't exist, but there is someone else that I want to be with. I am 40 she is 18 and we are very flirty with each other. I don't know if its the lack of sex at home or what but I am finding myself falling in love with her. I can't tell her for I fear she will freak out. Plus her family is very close with ours, I know I should just let it go, but when I see her, my heart pounds faster, I can't get her out of my head. I do love my wife, but we are in that position of being more friends then anything else. I never planned on falling in love with someone so much younger either. Can you be in love with two different people at the same time????
View related questions:
flirt, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Truth Be Told +, writes (10 September 2011):
People fall out of love with each other. That's life. If your wife doesn't want to make love to you, it's because she doesn't love you. So if you have found someone who does love you, then move on. Let the unhappy wife go, and go have a life with someone who wants you too. Screw what cynical people have to say. Go be happy with someone who is happy with you! And let your wife go find someone she can be happy with. Everyone deserves to be happy in love. It's the spice of life. Why survive day to day in a jaded relationship. Life should be spent with someone special and a relationship should be enjoyable, and age doesn't matter. As a girl I was as mature at 18 as I am at 50. If this girl loves you, then don't waste that love! By the way a councelor cannot make two people fall in love, so save your money. Love is a natural thing. Not forced.
A
female
reader, MarvelLove +, writes (21 January 2010):
 You have to ask yourself, "Is your relationship with your wife worth giving up over this girl?" If you think you would rather try and work it out with your wife, then seek counseling. But if you feel like there is just nothing you can do so relight that spark, then I guess your only choice if to go. But I think 18 is a little young, that sounds like just a lust things.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): you have a non exitant sex life with the wife? why? you need to talk to her. be brutal if you need be. tell her you need sex and you want sex. go and see a sexologist as well.and please the very young 18 year old alone. you will damage her reputaion if you continue in this manner. she is a little more than a mere child and an older pervert should stay far away from her. her parents will actually kill you if you lay a finger on her. you will be barred from any functions, gathering and your life will become a living hell. think of your innocent kids and the hell they will have to go through if their father was exposed as a pest? your actions will have devatsing consequences if you continue in this manner.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): have you spoken to your wife about your sexual fulfillment. does she know how you feel. if you havn't how can YOU BOTH fix the marriage.
please do not go down the adulterous path with the 18 year old. you are 40, she is a little more than a child at 18. you say that the families are close. this should be your first warning bell. what are you going to destroy, homes, lives all because you want to have sex with this girl. yes the idea of illicit sex with this youngster is appealing but at what cost. this girls parents will freak out, she will, your wife will and i am sure your kids as well.
leave this young girl to find someone else more her own age. you will lose everything you have because you are looking for an affair. i you have any true feelings for this girl quit now. you will destroy her life. she will be seen as a homewrecker and her young life will be destroyed BY YOU. please stop before you live to regret it.
get into marriage counselling. in fact take your wife to see a sexologist. yes you need to be having sex BUT ONLY WITH YOUR WIFE.
...............................
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (6 October 2009):
 You have a very real need for sexual fulfillment and meaningful sex. You want fun and excitement ... and to feel youthful again. The eighteen year old might give you that ...MIGHT... but it will be short-term.To have an affair is one of the most hurtful, devastating and world shattering things you could do to your wife. You say you love her... well even if its only as a friend... would you hurt a friend that way?You're already having an emotional affair... the more you give to your fantasies the more you are de-valuing and bankrupting your marriage.Your needs are extremely important and ignoring them is not the solution either... but this girl is DEFINITELY not going to provide you what you think... its an illusion. PLEASE listen for your sake and for your wife's protection.You're not going to like this but you need to tell your wife. You're fantasizing about being youthful again, you want fun and excitement, you want to flirt, you want hot passionate sex... be persistent, say things like, "It hurts me deeply that you and I let kids, bills, jobs, ect.. come between us." "I need a relationship that is deep and loving and exciting." "I need meaniful loving sex." You don't have to tell her about the girl if she understands the significance of your needs... but if she doesn't you may have to be progressively more blunt, until she REALLY gets it. She deserves the opportunity to KNOW and to choose how she wants to proceed. Maybe she'll want out too and you can part as friends, or maybe she wants to fight like hell to keep the man she loves... give her an honest shot.Its important that you really expose your feelings, you're not going to like the vulnerablility... but most women will eat it up. Women NEED the emotional connection as intensely as you NEED the meaningful sex. The majority of men do not get the importance of this... and its the primary reason men don't get the sexual response they need. True intimacy is two fold... emotional and sexual intimacy work together to create the true depth of authentic intimacy. Women tend to approach from the emotional angle and men from the sexual. Both sides are seeking the same goal but they each lack an important part of the equation. One of the parties has to be insightful enough to cross-over because it is so hard for men to understand what a woman needs and for a woman to understand the man's needs. Both sides may kinda get it some of the time... but over all both sides are too self-absorbed to UNDERSTAND and that's the downfall.Unless your wife has NEVER been a sexual being, is physically incapacitated, or has some undisclosed abnormality... she is very likely responding like a typical woman (even the 18y will after the newness). When relationships are new and exciting we accidently meet each others needs. Men are attentive, write love letters, are helpful, look for ways to be considerate, tell us we're beautiful, give thoughtful gifts... talk to us, tell us their dreams, ask our advice, can't wait to be with us... And as women, we respond enthusiastically to the EMOTIONAL feeding by giving ENTHUSIASTIC sex which inspires the men. After marriage, the courtship ends, we take each other for granted, focus is on jobs, bills, kids, chores... thousands of things that meet neither the man's intimate needs nor the womans. So now you have the feeling of "friendship", but is it really that the in love feeling went away or is it that you quit doing the things that people in love do? What would happen if both sides started conciously and purposefully feeding the other's needs? The depth and authenticity that could be yours will not come from the 18 year... but from the wife who loves you, has built a life with you, has history, knows the good and the bad and still loves you, shared ?children, has struggled with you... This is the difference between a lottery ticket and an inheritance...
...............................
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (5 October 2009):
 You can be in love with several people at the same time, but its very hard to do that.
Having an affair is really the last choice you want to go with. Your better situation is to look at your marriage first.
You say you love your wife, but the sex is non-existent. Why is that so? What happened to your intimacy in your marriage?
What you might want to do is focus on that with the one person, closest to you, that you trust and can be open with.
Try talking to your wife about the sex issue. It may very well be she misses it too and maybe, if the two of you start rebuilding those close emotional connections, and reignite old passions, you can start it up again.
If you are still inclined to look outside your marriage for sex, then your choices are rather limited and falling in love outside of your marriage will court disaster at some point.
If the sex remains non-existent, I would suggest couples counseling, or at the very least, get a divorce if you can, and then you're free to date girls of any age group.
Finally, I would not recommend falling for an 18 year old when you're 40. The age gap is incredibly wide, and the 18 year old should have a "youth" to live. Stealing her away from her youth would be a terrible waste. Think of her. In ten years you'll be 50 and she'll be 28. Why do that to her?
If the worst case scenario proves that your wife is unwilling or incapable of enjoying a sexual relationship with you, and the divorce thing would be too onerous, ask your wife for a separation and open your marriage. Then you're free to date.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 October 2009):
I think this is more of a case of your marriage isn't giving you all you need at the moment, so you're looking at the next best thing. Try to focus on your marriage again. Talk to your wife about maybe just getting to know each other once more. Whatever you do, don't have an affair, or you'll lose it all.,
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): Of course you can, but to be honest, this strikes me more as infatuation than love. For the first time in a good long while, you've fallen for someone new. New love, as we all know, is an extremely enticing experience, but those hormones wear off and really - what kind of long-term relationship could you have with a girl that young? You'd never be together long term. Even in the relatively unlikely event of her accepting you as a lover in the first place, she would still most likely leave you at some point in the not so distant future for study, travel, younger men, etc. The simple fact of the matter is that there is no good reason for you to consider her a serious romantic prospect. The age gap is too vast, her interest is not guaranteed and it would critically endager your marriage. No doubt the lack of a marital sex life is a big part of the problem here, as us men tend to conflate love and sex. Chances are your 'love' for this young girl would vanish as soon as you've had your first shag. My advice is to focus on spicing up your marriage. Take the horse by the reins and make your woman want you again.
...............................
|
