A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So we've been going out for a few months with this girl and in the beginning, we promised each other that we'll make lifestyle changes.I used to drink quite a lot before her and also smoked quite a lot.She was overweight (she should lose at least 30 lbs, but preferably more, and she'd still be a bit chubby). I'd say she's getting close to becoming actually obese (BMI 30).We agreed that I'd stop smoking and won't drink that much and that she would eat more healthily (and so will I), and that we'd go and do sports.I was very happy with this arrangement because I thought I needed to change, and so did she.The problem is that I although I stopped smoking almost completely (1 or 2 cigarettes every now and then, but not even every week, and the occasional beer, but that's pretty much it), she hasn't really kept her promises. She'd only exercise if we do it together and even then, I feel that I have to drag her (even though she likes sports, or at least says so) but the worst thing is that she hasn't been eating really healthily. She tells me that she does and then I see her eating salads and stuff too, but then she just sends pictures of really greasy/sugary foods that she's eating at work and adds some funny comments about "how this will make her sooo fat, haha."Or she'd come home after a night out with friends and if I ask her what she had, she tells me she had a giant burger and 6 beers, jokingly pats her stomach and laughs. She finds it hilarious. When I tell her that these might not be wise choices if she really want to change but she either tells me that she doesn't do this often (not true, I think), or that she doesn't like being policed.But in the meantime she always promises me that she'd get in shape and will become pretty and healthy and stuff, but I can't see it happening. And I know it's not because she can't do it: she told me that years ago she used to jog every day and ate less and she was in good shape.I also saw photos of that, she looked great and was definitely more healthy. So much about genetics or being big boned.So some time ago I said okay, I don't care anymore either and started smoking again and apparently that annoys her because it's smelly. I told her that it bothers me that she eats unhealthily. She told me it's not the same, I told her it was because it's true that I might get lung cancer, but if she goes on like this she will have diabetes, high blood pressure and stuff like this. And that stopping smoking also requires willpower, just like not allowing myself to have that grande latte full of sugar and a brownie on the side.I mean, is it just too much to ask? I don't want her to starve or look like a supermodel, I just want her to have a healthy weight (even if she stays a bit chubby, I don't care, I just don't want her to become obese) and I am disappointed that while I was trying my best to become healthier, she just doesn't take it seriously. What should I say in such a situation?Side note: If you think that I don't know what it is like to be overweight so I can't judge her, that's not true. Maybe a year and a half ago I was pretty heavy, because I had huge lunches and dinners, ate cake, drank beer, so I developed a gut. Some people told me this and then I just had an apple for breakfast, a light lunch and a yoghurt for dinner, fewer beers, had sugar rarely, and in a few months I had a healthy weight again. This is all I want to ask from her too, not to starve herself.Thanks everyone for the advice!
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male
reader, wherelifewouldtakeus  +, writes (18 May 2016):
 to address your last point.
See your mother wanted your father to stop drinking, and he wanted to stop drinking that is why it worked.
the reason why the same technique isn't working for you is because your girlfriend lacks the desire to see change, see wanting to change for someone else is not an incentive at all, no one that would last, that is why she is only active around you and doesn't exercise at all when you are not there with her. wanting to change for you isn't going to cut it. It only goes further to prove that she is quite content with her current lifestyle, if she ends up changing just to keep you there is a good chance she will end up resenting you and hating herself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice everyone! Let me add a few details: first of all, I am not unhappy with her or with our relationship. I started a relationship with her because we clicked well on a mental and emotional level. Also, my smoking doesn't affect her because I don't smoke in the apartment or even in her presence. She just tells me that I smell. Well, OK, I am sorry, I even brush my teeth before I kiss her.So I'd say her weight is not a deal breaker, it just bothers me a little and I am worried about her health. My problem really is that she promised to change and she didn't keep this promise. I don't even want dramatic changes or anything, if she just ate 200 calories less or something a day and I could see some effort from her part, I would at least see that she does seomthing.To tell you the truth this all bothers me because she keeps tellling me that she loves me so much and would do anything to keep me etc. but it looks like looking after herself is not one of these things. By the way I don't think a relationship is all about accepting everything the other does and not changing something if something bothers the other. My dad used to drink and my mother didn't just sat and watched it. She told him that it needed to end. And he did it. I used to not do the dishes and leave dirty cups around and my gf at that time didn't say "ok I'm leaving because you're like that". She gradually taught me how to keep an apartment clean effectively. And I think it was a better thing to do instead of saying "ok bye", when everything else works well.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (18 May 2016):
 You've both started a relationship with people who you want to change. I realise you both agreed these things are what you want for yourself but the truth is you want to change each other and won't be happy with each other if those changes don't take place.
It should be less about weight and more about what her not sticking to that life style means. She clearly isn't committed to having a healthier life style then you should leave her. You should also only stop smoking for yourself. Using it to prove a point is petulant and childish but also shows that you don't know what else to do to show her you want her to change.
You are not right for each other and have different views on life and being healthy. I am really overweight and have to fight every single week not to gain weight -so it isn't easy if you like food. I agree that if you can give up smoking YOU also have the willpower to give up junk food. Not everyone has this much willpower or control over what their craving and addictions.
I don't think this person is right for you.
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 May 2016):
 At only 3 months, it sounds like what you were hoping for was some sort of support group accountability partner, not a girlfriend. When you start dating, you need to accept them as they are, and they need to accept you as you are.
To go into a relationship with a contract for change is to doom that relationship from the start. It's a bit different if you had been together for 5-10 years, and some vices like food or cigs or alcohol get out of control, and you and your partner for life decide on a mutual course correction healthwise.
However, you two just met. That's not what this stage of a relationship is for.
And, let me be straight with you - don't pat yourself on the back for being the follower of the changes. Do you still smoke? YES. Just not as much. Do you drink? YES. Just not as much. Does she work out? YES, just not as much. You two are on par with each other.
If she is a relationship, treat her like one. You're not her Weight Watchers instructor, and your relationship can't take this whole contract as its center, because it *will* crumble.
Accept her as is, or break up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016): Never go into a relationship planning to change someone. It's the kiss of death.It seems that for you the relationship has given you the support to change but for your gf it hasn't.CIf you don't fancy your gf why stay together? Believe my l'm long married and people can change a lot from the person you fell in love with but most of us still carry that attraction with us through wrinkles, hair loss. weight gain, the menopause etc. If you don't feel that way now how will you feel in a couple of years? Life is long and whether or not your gf changes is up to her. Even if she went on a fitness drive unless she has the motivation to do it forever it's likely she'll put the weight back on as most people do. If I were you I'd find someone that ticks all your boxes now. Your gf can then also find someone who loves her for who she is not who she could be.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (18 May 2016):
 I think its great that you want to work with your girlfriend and help her but the cold hard reality is that unless she WANTS to change her lifestyle, she's not going to..not for you, not for anyone. It would appear that she talks the talk but isn't walking the walk. All your nudging, talking and disappointment isn't going to make her do it. You know that you can't change a person, they have to WANT to change and apparently she isn't bothered enough to change her eating habits/lifestyle.
My ex- husband became an alcoholic and it didn't matter what I did..talking, begging, crying, pleading and threats to leave him..he still drank because he WANTED to. I couldn't stand it and I left because I didn't want that kind of a person as my mate.
So its up to you..are you going to accept her as she is (and be unhappy) or end things and find someone who is more like you?
The strongest advice I can give is to not expect someone to change. I realize she told you that she wanted to but the truth is..it doesn't appear that she really wants to change.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 May 2016):
 1. you have ONLY been going out for a few months so she would have been overweight when you met her. So there is your first mistake. IF you don't want a partner who is "unhealthy" or overweight - don't start dating a woman who is and then EXPECT her to WANT to change to suit YOUR wants/needs.
2. She might only do exercise when you are around because she isn't REALLY into changing herself, including getting healthy. But she sort of half-heartedly tries for YOUR sake - but HER heart isn't in it.
3. Don't quit the cigarettes as a bargaining tool. Quit because YOU DO NOT want to smoke any more.
4. sit he down and talk.
Honestly, while I think you mean well, I think you are way off in your "demands".
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 May 2016):
 1. you smoking near her DOES affect her. I live with a smoker and his smoking has affected my breathing and since it's his home too he won't smoke outside. How is my breathing his second hand smoke not harming me?
2. IT smells. IF you do not smoke then kissing a smoker is like licking the inside of an ashtray (I smoked 2 packs a day util 2/1995 and quit cold turkey so I know both sides of it)
3. MEN lose weight differently than women so you giving up beers and eating an apple for breakfast and then just a 'light lunch' and a yogurt for dinner may work for you but I can assure you that a. it would NOT be enough food for me (or calories) and that it won't work for everyone so don't get all "high and mighty" about how this worked for you.
I was obese. I am not now so again I can speak to this
you say you have been dating a few months and then you mentioned that she "'d come home after a night with friends"
are you guys already living together?
because see YOU have NO say in what she does or how she eats and if she makes the choice to eat brownies and drink lattes and you don't like it then the only option you have is to LEAVE her.... but if you have already moved in together then that gets harder to do doesn't it?
my husband was 138 pounds in December 2010 when we started dating. He wore size 28 jeans. I thought him too skinny.
last week we bought my now nearly 200 pound husband size 40 jeans.
Guess what? I am not happy that he is eating himself to death but there is NOTHING I can do about it. We are married so I would never consider ending the marriage over weight gain...
YOU are dating a few months... this issue will ONLY get worse until SHE is ready to take care of herself... she may never be ready... how long are you willing to wait and be unhappy?
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A
male
reader, wherelifewouldtakeus +, writes (18 May 2016):
It is clear from what you wrote, that she is not ready to change, she seems happy with her eating habits and is reluctant to exercise. why? there is no why. she just isn't, people make promises of changing all the time, but it is next to impossible to change a behaviour when you cannot see anything wrong with it.things are a little bit childish between the two of you, there is no need for you to start smoking again just to prove your point, not smoking is a conscious decision you made because you saw the benefits it could bring to your life, or did you stop smoking solidly for her? are you not smoking so she will lose weight?...you cannot be with someone in hopes of who they are going to become, because you will be pretty disappointed. as you can see the fact that she spoke about maybe going on a diet, does not mean in anyway that she is ready to take the steps it takes to bring a major life change!If she ever decides she wants to get healthier and lose weight, it will not be because you nag her to do so, it will be after a major event that makes her rethink her life and pushes her to bring major change, however that moment might never come and she might live her entire life happy being how she is right now, living the way she does and looking the way she does which you clearly have a problem with and I understand you are concerned with her health but it is her health and she is the only person that has any control over it!
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A
female
reader, BelleRose +, writes (18 May 2016):
Hello, It looks there are two seperate problems to address here. Firstly the betrayal that you made a promise to live a healthier life together and you feel that she hasn't kept that promise to you. In part this may leave you feeling unsure on her ability to keep her word. Secondly the fact that she is overweight and lives unhealthily. You need to separate these issues. If you do not trust her word anymore then that is a far larger issue than you really need to address with her, and maybe without her. In terms of her living a healthy life. Firstly identify if you want her to live a healthier life for you, or because of herself. If the former then that you need to acknowledge what she does to her own body is her own choice. You can only provide advice and encouragement but she must make that choice on her own. You can keep eating healthy foods together and doing exercise together but stop pressurising her. You will only make her feel guilty and feel about herself. Do you really want the woman you love to feel fat and like you don't find her attractive? Make her feel beautiful and confident and then maybe she will make the choice to be healthier. Also keep positive about your reasons for her losing weight. Try not to talk about the promises you made or the effects of her being overweight. Maybe comment how beautiful she was in those photos, how you would like to go on a fantastic hike or trip together, how you would like your children to have a healthy role model, but never put her down, it won't help. All in all, while encouraging her to live a healthy life is important. It shouldn't be the basis to your relationship, if it is and you are starting to resent her for her looks and decisions, you should probably consider if the relationship is working and healthy, emotionally, for either of you. Good luck, BR
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016): Why are you with her if you aren't attracted to her? You seem more interested in who she could be than who she is.
She agreed to eat healthier and exercise with you, she does, just not as much as you'd like.
You agreed to stop smoking and drinking, you did, but with the occasional drink / cigarette.
Did you agree she'd lose a certain amount of weight or just to make lifestyle changes?
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