A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I need help im so confused...im deployed and my wife has been acting really strange or i dont know what it is...before she always say she loves me and now she dont say it anymore...i ask her why and she says why does she need to say it when we know we love each other? i really explain my love towards her in so many ways and it like it doesnt even faze her...i recently told her i was coming home and said i cant wait to see her...and all she said was "oh thats cool" i mean it hurts and stresses me out really bad...i tell her hom much she been hurting me by the way she acting and she says im a cry baby and it turn her off...its like i cant tell her my love for her cause she gets upset everytime i ask if her loves is fading from me and i ask her if she losing interest in me? and she says "how can we lose interest in each other when were married?" i write her messages like once or twice a week and she hasnt even replied to me since before christmas...cant she see shes hurting me...i always ask when i can call her but she says her phone is broke( which it is) but i can call her moms phone ( but its prepaid) but then her moms never around...she tells me things like "im really stressing and you dont understand" i ask her if she can tell my why so i can understand and she just says "u wont understand" *keep in mind most of this is through text* i tell her how much i hate this place and i wanna go home and how much i miss her she says calls me a crybaby this tears my heart apart!!! it makes it even more harder on me...why is she doing this???...i been there for her since day one...i supported her financially her and her son...even her mom sometimes...who can i talk to for help... this tears my heart apart...it hurts even typing this but i just want help...is there somebody i can talk with( over the internet) im dont wanna go see a chaplain or let my unit know what im going through cause they would think im depressed then everything would get out of hand and i will be in the SPOTLIGHTING MYSELF i just want someone to talk with over the net...i just need help...please....any advice
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female
reader, MA2sWife +, writes (2 January 2011):
I am saddened by your delemia. I am the wife of a deployed soldier as well. I understand some of the stresses and changes your wife is going through, but I cannot say that I understand her reactions to them. Then again everyone deals with the stress of deployment differently.
I can express thanks to you for doing your job but have you expressed your thanks to her for doing hers? The position of a military wife is stressful and heart wrenching. Besides other wives or husbands of a deployed spouse....you are in a land and a world only you understand. It can be and is a very lonely place to be. It is frusterating and sad. Sometimes your angry, scared, happy, numb, tense and sometimes you just feel broken. You can take comfort in the fact that you are in a place with hundreds and thousands of other soldiers that are missing home and are going through the struggles and dangers of the working deployment...your wife is at home....and every where she looks she sees the empty spaces in her life that you use to fill and she sees everyone else hand in hand or side by side the ones they love. Imagine that reality? If your wife lives on a base...it could be more supportive, but if not...she is really walking around in an alternative universe.
I would hope she wouldn't be trying to find comfort in the arms of another. It has never occured to me to even consider that option for myself. I am not sure why she is acting the way she is, but that she may be coping with you being gone by shutting down and detaching to protect herself. I am not sure...just grasping at straws. You looking to replace her so you are not alone is not going to solve anything or replace the love and the relationship that you have with her. Take it all in stride. Do your job....let her know you love her and care for her and that you might not understand what she is feeling, but that you want to be there for her....try to be supportive from far away. When you get home....get some outside help...the military has counciling for spousal reintergration....give her the benifit of the doubt. One step at a time.
Hope this helped a little bit.....let me know if there is anything I can do for you.
A
male
reader, Ti6er +, writes (15 January 2010):
Sounds like she’s confuse if she should wait for you or pursue another relationship. Sounds almost like my relationship with my ex-wife. I too, am in the military. My ex-wife acted just the way you described. She didn’t have any cheerful emotion when I called her, she didn’t reply promptly to my emails, she didn’t say much in either as well. I learned that she had a friend that she spends countless hours with and turns out the cell phone bill and the bank account validate my fear. She has been cheating on me and throughout the time she spent communicating with me, she seems like it was more of a hassle then a joy to hear my voice (seem like she would try to rush our conversation). I can tell that she was debating weather she should leave me or stay with me after realizing what is going on at home. It turns out that her love for this kid ( she was 28yrs old and he was only 20yrs old) was too strong so she left me for him. I’m paying child support for our kids and she’s destroying me financially. I’m getting out of the military soon and I’m not ever going to pay another dime for her and her boyfriend enjoyment and lifestyle, she brought him PS3, Xbox360, Wii, Iphone, and even a Lexus, I know this because my kids tells me what he has at their mother’s home and he doesn’t even work. Funny thing is, my kids lives with her parents because her boyfriend hates my kids. I rather go to jail for a few months then pay her for unfaithfulness which the court has burden me with. Good luck to you and your relationship and hopefully you don’t have any kids with her or let alone adopted her kid.
I’m sure she is contemplating on leaving you if she acts the way she does (hopefully not), there’s no other way to explain it. Remember, there’s always a John Doe down the street that is willing to fill the void you left behind when you went and fought for freedom. It’s sad to know that some of our wives and girlfriends are ungrateful cheater willing to fill that void once we left. Also, no one in your chain of command can help you with your problems and issue believe me, I know first hand. The best thing to do is deal with it yourself, make sure you don’t do anything stupid as to commit suicide because you’ll be doing her a favor (relieve her from facing you and the great financial gain she will received from your apparent demise) stay focus and do your duty the best you can, come back and deal with your situation if she is cheating on you. Remember, check your phone bills, bank statement, her emails (I’m sure cracking her email password is not hard), and have friends and family check on her and spy on her. Don’t let your conscience tell you that it’s wrong to spy on her, do what is best to know the truth even though the truth will hurt if she is indeed cheating on you. I hope she is not cheating on you, because it’s the worst feeling in the world, especially when you’re worlds away protecting not only our freedom, but hers as well.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (12 January 2010):
 how much longer is your deployment? if it's 2 mo. or less, I'd say just stick it out, it may be a lot different once you get home. If you have any military buddies back at the base, and if your wife is really involved in that community, maybe you could ask them or their wives to get a read on her, or to encourage her with a support system she needs to get through the deployment. How was she before you left, and how long have you been away? Do you have children that she has to take care of? My bf is on deployment right now, and there have been times where I am filled with anger and resentment and abandonment issues and even with all the sweet talking my guy says, sometimes it still feels like i've been left behind like chopped liver. the pain of you being away may cause her to lash out and 'punish' you for putting her through this. i don't know if it's her style, but just wanted to say it's not necessarily 100% true that she's cheating, just a different perspective. I'd also like to say though, that i know that in the marines, you get in HUUUUUGE trouble if you're foundcheating, and get really financially screwed in a divorce, so i really wouldn't look for any girls while married.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 January 2010):
 I know you said you don't want to talk to the chaplain, but I think you should. He has (I'm willing to bet) seen and heard it all. And I am sure he can help you out. There is nothing to be embarrassed about.
There are many reasons why she is acting the way she is, I don't know her or know. Some marriages get stronger during and after a deployment - others fall apart, because of them.
Having been through a few of them now I have learned many things mostly about myself. As much as I rather have my husband home I actually grew up a lot while he was gone.
Does your wife have Internet? If so have her set up a free Skype account? Send her an e-mail as often as you can. Tell her how you feel. Include her in your life. Even if you are in the worst place in the world let her know what goes on (with OPSEC in mind of course).
Have you asked her why she doesn't want to talk much to you? And have you considered that she is worried you bringing up things because YOU have doubt? Maybe she think YOU are cheating?
If you are getting R&R soon I hope the two of you will take time to just talk to each other. Not just fight.
PS I think she is being mean and rude to you, but I have no idea as to why.
Is she having financial problems? that you know of?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes thanks for all your answers I tried online dating buting I aint getting no where with it...that what i was hoping for also just to get my mind off her i work out alot and run but that only helps for a lil while then my feelings comeback...then im worried again and crying inside all kinds of feelings...but i do wanna find someone online maybe i will find someone better...who knows all i know is that I dont wanna be left ALone by myself in the End...She says my heart is safe with her and i wanna believe it so bad but there just this barrier that my heart cant cross into thinking everything is fine...geez...i hope to find someone online though...
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 January 2010):
To be honest, it sounds like she might be cheating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): I think you are focusing too much on her. You might need to consider online dating like on military dating sites and find someone to be your online girlfriend until you get discharged. If she is acting funny and selfish there is nothing you can do from so far. Have an online romance or flirt to get you through.
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A
female
reader, pril +, writes (12 January 2010):
Oh my. I hate to hear u r going though some thing like this. U r protecting all of us, and she is treating u like this. Ur story makes me want to cry. Back to ur question I hate to tell u but she may be cheating on u. I wish I knew someone u could talk to for help. Just try and keep ur head up. Thank u for protecting us.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): Can't understand this myself. The last thing you need is to be worrying about what is going on at home.
I was a soldier once in the British army and if this had ever happened to me, I would have been onto my CO and got some compassionate leave. I realise it is not always that simple though!
This business of calling you a cry baby is just wrong. You are expressing your love for her in many ways and I am sure there are many women out there who want that but their men never say it.
I'm sorry to say it doesn't look good and it appears she is using you as a cash cow rather than someone she loves. Sorry to be blunt but if she really cared for you especially in your situation she would be much more supportive.
Keep your head down and your weapons clean. Good luck.
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