A
male
age
41-50,
*ardamu
writes:Here's my story.A year ago, I was dumped for the 3rd time by my girlfriend, which happily ended what was, I realise it now, a disastrous relationship. We were only together for 6 months and long distance (she's English and she lives in France with her daughter, I'm French and live in England) didn't help. I had had 2 other horrible relationships before her. In fact, I think I ended the last good relationship I had back in 2003 to start dating the 1st of these "disaster girls"...I've moved quite a lot in the last few years. Between 2007 and now, I've lived in 4 different cities: Paris and 3 different cities in England. It makes it hard to make friends, let alone to find a girlfriend. I always knew that I wouldn't be in the city for long.I don't have so many difficulties meeting girls in pubs. As a matter of fact, after my ex dumped me I started collecting phone numbers girls had given me in pubs but I never called as I knew that because of work/studies I wouldn't be in the city for long.It's the same thing this year. I work/study in a city that I don't really like and don't intend to stay there forever.I went back to France for the holidays and it was really hard because it reminded me that I'd spent last Christmas at my ex gf's like a real family with her daughter, which is something I have always longed for. I managed not to call her even though it was really hard.A few days before New Year, I "met" the daughter of a friend I've been chatting with for 3 or 4 years. She'd posted a message on her mother's Facebook profile and I was curious: she'd never told me she had a daughter.At first, I didn't know how to act. She's half French half Mexican so we started chatting in French, which put me at ease because even though I've been working/studying in England for more than 2 years now, I always wonder if I express myself correctly and if people can understand what I say. It's a horrible feeling when someone tells me: "come again ?".Anyway, that girl and I started chatting and I told her: "It's funny. I've been chatting with your mum for 3 or 4 years now and she never told me she had a daughter." "It's because she doesn't like to talk about what's precious to her", she answered and I started liking her straight away.I don't want to insult anybody or subscribe to any cliché, but Frenchwomen are definitely better than Englishwomen when it comes to flirting. Englishwomen don't send any signals, or so little signals I can't read them. It's happened to me to end up in bed with a girl I thought was not interested in me ! French girls are more flirty. It doesn't mean you're going to end up in bed with them. It's just a game, something that both protagonists enjoy. It's a way of saying: "I think you're attractive. I like you". It's a form of "politeness". After my ex dumped me, I met a girl from Corsica at a friend's New Year's eve's party and the girl called him the next day to thank him for the party and tell him she liked me. We'd flirted all evening long (which doesn't mean any touching or kissing).Well, anyway, I started chatting with that girl and (I was not that surprised because her mum has the same tastes) we found out that we liked the same authors, especially Jack Kerouac. She also told me that she lived for 4 years in London. As she's half French, I was hoping that she lived in Paris but she lives in Mexico city. She told me that she now lives in a house in the mountains because she's fed up of Mexico city. I told her that it reminded me of one of Jack Kerouac's novels: "Desolation Angels" where he spends some time in a cabin in a mountain to escape city life. She told me that she hadn't read it but wanted to and asked me half jokingly if I could send her a copy. I told her I would do that but that sadly enough I thought there were no addresses to get the book delivered in the mountains. She told me she had an address in Mexico city where I could send the book but I didn't do it straight away as I felt a little bit stupid doing that. "What would your mum think if she knew I send you books ?" I joked and it made her laugh.Thanks to the time difference between France and Mexico, I tried to wish her a happy new year in advance but even though she was on Facebook, she was "inactive". I had drunk quite a bit at the party and was not offensive but a little bit "blunt": "why you don't wanna talk to me, girl ?" I asked her in English. I put on my status on Facebook that 2010 already sucked and she posted on my wall (still in English) : ""wasn't around... sorry... nothing to wonder about... just am... nothing sucks!". At the same time I could see that she'd written on her Facebook wall: "I love my man !".The first thing I did when she let me add her as a friend was to check her relationship status but it was hidden. I checked it again because that statement just seemed weird now. And she now had "revealed" her relationship status: she was "in a relationship".The next day her relationship status disappeared once again so I took its sudden appearance as a message for me. We kept on chatting and one day, she started complaining about the cold. "I know a good way of getting you warmer but I don't wanna you to end up in hell, that is if you believe in such things". She answered: "I don't believe in anything like hell but I've been in a relationship for 6 years now and he would certainly send me to hell". I was sad and I thought it was sad as well because I'd spent the last 10 years trying to connect with my ex-girlfriends on that plane and never had managed to. The beat generation is almost like a religion to me.I don't speak Spanish. I tried to learn a little bit but I mix it up with the Italian that I learned to travel to Italy. "è triste", I told her in Italian, thinking that she could understand as the 2 languages are close and that it sounded more "romantic". "you're sad ?" she asked me. "No, I meant: 'it's sad' " and I really meant it because as I'm now in my mid 30s, it's getting harder and harder for me to meet interesting women. All the "good ones" are gone. She's the 3rd 30smth woman in a row I meet I feel a connection with but who's already taken (they don't always say it straight away... I found out a colleague I had a lot of chemistry with had a boyfriend when I saw a "congratulations for your engagement" card in her office).I still appreciate to chat with her about the beat generation. I told her about a novel ("And the hippos were boiled in their tanks") by Kerouac and Burroughs that was only published last year and she seemed fascinated. She wanted to buy it and really quickly wrote an article about it (in Spanish :-( ) on an artistic blog where she is a contributor. I could understand more or less what she had written as Spanish is not that far from French and by using Google translator to translate in English and in French, finally managed to understand all she'd written. She was ending her article with: "very soon I'll be writing about another novel by Jack Kerouac" and I thought: "gosh, she must be referring to that novel she wanted me to send her and have not sent ! her article was beautifully written. I've never managed to get any of my girlfriends to read a beat generation novel and she's written an article about the one I told her about !". I sent her the novel straight away.She went back to Mexico city yesterday. I know she doesn't like going back there. She prefers "her" mountains. Still we chatted but she seemed a little bit distant. I tried to make her jealous by pretending to be chatting up "stupid English girls" and that made her laugh. "ur full of **** !" she told me in English. At some point in the conversation, she didn't seem to be listening as much, though. Her answers were mainly "yeah" so I decided to play a "trick" on her. "I gonna do something a little bit stupid. Please excuse me. Do you love me ?" I asked her. "No" she replied. "Too bad. As you've been saying 'yeah' for the last 15 minutes, I thought you would carry on", I joked. Still, I wouldn't have said "no" to a mere "I like you".I think about her all the time now. I highly doubt it's the same for her. She's (finally) told me that she's in a relationship and she lives in Mexico (even if 'importing' her in England or France shouldn't be too difficult, lol) and I realise that she mustn't take me seriously. I'm trying not to take it too seriously either but I feel so lonely here that only "loving" someone is enough for me and she ticks so many of the boxes of my "ideal woman". What should I do ?
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christmas, drunk, ex girlfriend, facebook, flirt, jealous, kissing, long distance, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, L*  +, writes (12 January 2010):
keep talking to her but don't get your hopes too high. she's in a relationship now so you can't do anything. just be friendly with her and that's it. if the relationship doesn't work out for her, then she might want to try it out with you in the future. If by then, you're still available and willing then you could try a long distance relationship. But it's useless to think about having a relationship with her now. she's taken : end of story.
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