A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HelloI don't know if you can help but this is driving me mad.I was married and wife had affair so i divorced her.I'm 38 and met a woman online over two years ago. We chatted for around 4 month. Being totally upfront and honest about our past, our sexual encounters, one night stands and numerous other things. We text, and emailed regularly, intensly. We spoke on the Telephone and met up. It was a really good day and we seemed to get on well, and talked a lot.This is my problem. She went on holiday with a friend.I asked her if she had slept with anyone and she said no.I asked her if she wanted to take things farther with me, she said she wanted me just as a good friend.Anyway after about another month we get together as more friends, and she says she slept with someone on holiday.This leave me a little confused, and a little angry because I feel all my friendship/wooing has gone to benefit another man.Anyhow she convinces me it meant nothing.Well a year later I find some emails as i'm clearing computer of old stuff.Well the old emails to her friends say how this fling she can't stop thinking about him.Also there is a photo of a bronzed Adonis.Now I feel like shit all the time.Help
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affair, divorce, on holiday, one night stand, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007): I don't think it's very nice or kind of her to bring up the fact that the holiday fling was a 'wonderful experience'. That's a really hurtful thing for her to say to you. Even if she thought it was, why on earth would she make you feel bad by telling you it was wonderful. It seems like she is deliberately making you jealous, and this will knot you up inside and really play on your mind. I can't think why anyone would say something hurtful like that. Personally, I wouldn't trust someone who could cause me pain with their words, but then I tend to be a little sensitive about such things. You need to let her know that her maintaining how wonderful it was is really hurtful to you, and hopefully she will apologise and say that she was only saying that to hurt you after you had had an argument about it, and then you will be able to draw a line under it. Just be wary of anyone who can say such things to you. x
A
female
reader, Sassister  +, writes (28 October 2007):
If you were just friends at the time of the fling, what she did and how she felt about it, as expressed in her emails to other friends, are none of you business. That she lied to you is sad, but you really had no right to ask such a question. She just didn't have the nerve or was tryng to be nice, or she would have told you it was none of your business.
And why are you cleaning out her old email and reading it? Did she ask you to do so? This is something that can only hurt both of you.
It sounds like you are not ready for a relationship at this point.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 October 2007):
 I did notice you divorced her. My point was not your behavior, it's picking mates for yourself who display the same behaviors.
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A
female
reader, tulipdame +, writes (28 October 2007):
Maybe when you met her you were still "on the rebound". Your past with being cheated on by your wife was still in the front of your mind and you needed a friend more than you did a girlfriend, so you could be totally honest and talk to her about your past more than start a new future. So you chose her more for that than you did for a possibility of a relationship.
A friendship and a relationship are different, but your goals with her have gotten confused. Maybe your intentions were confusing to her, as well. A potential boyfriend/gf really won't spend all their time detailing their past history, they'll be getting to know each other's likes and dislikes, going out, meeting friends. So then she met this new guy. Of coarse, if she had sex with him, that is hard to get over.
So at the end, you are not where you want to be. On the one hand, you won her. She went for you in a romantic way, which is what you wanted. On the other hand, it is a hollow victory, because this other guy who didn't want nearly as hard as you did and didn't care nearly as much as you do got with her as well, and maybe she even cares about him more. It really is not a good place to be. It might even be worse than what you walked away from with your ex-wife, because as a husband you probably had a more firm place in her heart than the boyfriend did.
I really can't recommend a really good course of action for you unfortunately. I guess if anything yours is a cautionary tale about getting rid of a cheating spouse too quickly, because just maybe you went for the same kind of woman because you still care deeply for her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2007): Sorry Peoriaman.
The line about getting together after a month, should read as more than friends.
Your advice on with that in mind would be appreciated.
Thanks for your time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): Yeah thanks Sadiebea
My problem is. I would have made a different decision at the time had I known the full truth. I feel conned.
Also to complete story, I have mentioned the emails, and now she maintains it was a wonderful experience, yet at the time she said it meant nothing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): When she initially met you, she was probably newly out of a relationship herself and looking to date again. She met you, you had a good time but you weren't in love with each other and you were both just finding your feet. Remember that you had talked and met up but had not made a commitment to each other. When she went on holiday and had a fling with someone else, she soon realised that she quite liked the man in question (quite liked the idea of it more probably) and then told you that she didn't want anything more than friendship from you. You are now back together and her decision to be with you, rather than him, speaks volumes. It sounds like she had a moment of madness whilst on holiday and regretted it later. Do you really want to drag the past up again and open a can of worms? Personally, if you are in a serious relationship now (and you obviously are because you share the same computer!) then you might decide to leave it lie. However, if it's eating you up inside it might be best to tell her you found the emails and whether she has remained faithful during your relationship since. You have been hurt before and don't deserve to be hurt again, and you must ask yourself why she chose to tell you that she slept with someone on holiday. Why not just end things with you and keep you in ignorance over the whole thing? Her motives seem a little odd to me (and I personally don't believe people when they say they just want everything out in the open..some people just like making others jealous). Just be careful that you have not chosen someone who will be unfaithful to you now you are in this more serious relationship with her. Does she crave attention from others? Does she go out alot with her friends? If she is a homebody now and gives you no further cause to suspect she might begin seeing someone else, then perhaps you should leave it. I can see the picture of the bronzed adonis would pee you off, what's she doing sending pictures of him to her friends? It's natural for you to be angry, but what will a big argument achieve if you think it's all over and done with now? X
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): rcn
Read again please, i said my wife had affair, so i divorced her.
Then I started new relationship
Thanks
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (27 October 2007):
Why are you so pissed. This should be expected. Let me ask you to think about something. How was her previous sex life she shared with you. Did she have one night stands? What was her past like. The reason I ask is one thing that baffles me quite a bit. A guy starts having an affair, leaves his wife for the one he had the affair with, then she is completely shocked when he has an affair on her. Behaviors seem to repeat them self. Same with our behaviors in finding someone to spend time with. If we get someone who's dishonest and we look for the same qualities in someone, we'll find someone who's dishonest again. It doesn't seem as if shes someone who'd be a long term friend.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (27 October 2007):
Why are you so pissed. This should be expected. Let me ask you to think about something. How was her previous sex life she shared with you. Did she have one night stands? What was her past like. The reason I ask is one thing that baffles me quite a bit. A guy starts having an affair, leaves his wife for the one he had the affair with, then she is completely shocked when he has an affair on her. Behaviors seem to repeat them self. Same with our behaviors in finding someone to spend time with. If we get someone who's dishonest and we look for the same qualities in someone, we'll find someone who's dishonest again. It doesn't seem as if shes someone who'd be a long term friend.
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