A
male
age
30-35,
*esperatenottobealone
writes:I don't really know how to approach this topic eloquently, so here's it in a nutshell: I'm extremely conflicted right now about sex. I'm 22 years old and have never had a girlfriend, and am still a virgin (obviously). I've never even kissed a girl. I recently graduated college and have a stable career now. I want to find someone to settle down with and get married. My problem is that I'm conflicted about what I actually want. I want to find a girlfriend, but I can only find girls who have already had sex. I don't want to date a girl who has had sex because I haven't. Is that wrong? If I date a girl, these days she's going to want to have sex. I don't know anyone my age who hasn't other than me. I can't stand the thought of having sex with someone who hasn't waited. I would always be wondering about the other guys she had sex with and was it better and why couldn't she just wait, etc etc. Additionally, I'm not even sure I want to wait until marriage anymore. Should I just give up looking for a fellow virgin? I'm worried that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life if I don't. It scares the living daylights out of me.Example situation: I like a girl and think that she's open to dating me. Unfortunately, I happen to know she's not a virgin. I don't want to date her because I'm intimidated by the fact that she has had sex, and I think she won't want to date me if she finds out I haven't. Sorry if this is confusing. I can't even think straight on this topic, I'm so conflicted.
View related questions:
never had a girlfriend, still a virgin Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, desperatenottobealone +, writes (2 May 2013):
desperatenottobealone is verified as being by the original poster of the question-zippy78
Well I took your advice to heart. I approached a girl I thought was pretty for the first time yesterday. I chatted a little with her. It was a little awkward, but it could have been worse. I complimented her, and she smiled. I didn't ask for her number or anything; it was hard enough for me to just talk to her.
I really suck at this, but I guess I'll learn. For all the people who say I have social anxiety, I probably do. I brought it on myself though, and will try to fix it myself. I've had enough being a shy quiet guy that never talks to anyone. I'm going to start talking to girls around me, and worry less about being rude or forward, or all the what-ifs that I constantly am thinking about. I'm going to try to stop worrying about sex. Worrying about it has never done me any good anyways.
Thanks everyone!
A
male
reader, desperatenottobealone +, writes (1 May 2013):
desperatenottobealone is verified as being by the original poster of the question-zippy78
Are you related to me? Because damn, I am a younger version of you. I am forever hoping that a nice girl will start up a conversation with me.
I am scared of trying. I will think "today's the day I chat with the girl at the cafeteria" or wherever I happen to go that day. And I never do. I always chicken out.
Thank you for your help.
...............................
A
male
reader, desperatenottobealone +, writes (30 April 2013):
desperatenottobealone is verified as being by the original poster of the question-Tisha1"You are spending too much time alone and online. You are living in your head, not in the real world."I have heard this before, and have been changing my behavior. I spend most weekends shopping at the mall, hiking, or driving around and trying new places to eat. I just do it alone. I got rid of my xbox, playstation, and portable consoles because they used to take up a lot of time. I am genuinely trying to make a change in my life. I used to spend a lot of time outdoors, and have tried everything from freeclimbing to hang gliding. When you're bored you can do a lot on the weekends. A friend of mine told me to stop doing that because I've never met anyone by doing any of those things, and "you aren't going to meet a girl on the mountain." In everything but social settings I have a mindset that I cannot fail. I have never been able to transfer this mindset to social settings. The rest of your post hits me really hard. It's completely true. Thank you. I will get the book. -Zippy78I do need to grow up emotionally.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 April 2013):
 Zippy gave an excellent followup to you. I don't have much to add, just a few thoughts.
You are spending too much time alone and online. You are living in your head, not in the real world.
Get out and meet people. Not with the intention of creating friendships right now, just enough to socialize with real people. You're never going to get to meet a girl to even date if you don't know anyone. Online date candidates are going to want people who are well-rounded and having a steady job isn't enough for that.
You make a lot of excuses as to why you are alone. They all appear to be not your fault; however, you have engineered your own life, you have made the choices you made.
You blame other people for not waiting for you. You expect a whole pool of dating candidates to have abstained from being in relationships so that you would have your pick of virgins. Again, you are not taking responsibility for your own choices. You are right where you are because you put yourself there.
If you have social anxiety, find treatment for it.
If you have this performance anxiety, get out and get out of your comfort zone. It's like you've shrunk your life so much that you have boxed yourself in. You did this to yourself, no one else put you in that box.
So go on some outward bound type adventures. Physically engage with the natural world, face some challenges. Do things you have never ever done before. Zip line, climb rocks, cross a river using nothing but the items found around you in nature. Those kinds of things.
Once you realize that you are capable of surviving and succeeding in doing something you have never done before, and you do this in a natural setting where you take your busy mind and put it to solving problems, you will realize that this mountain of losing your virginity to your future wife is something do-able.
You have decided, for whatever reason, that it isn't do-able. Your post is more of a complaint, a rant, a whine. There was nothing self-empowering about it, you lack gumption, the get up and go, the drive to succeed.
On some level, you like living as you are. That's comfortable. You may not be happy in it, but you are in known and familiar territory. Again, you are right where you put yourself.
So, my advice is a) stop thinking about what you are missing; b) get out of your inner space of your head and your solitary life that you choose to inhabit--IF you want to do what you say you want to do. I don't believe that right now--and get out every day, get some exercise, fresh air and plan some adventures.
You say you want to get married because you are lonely. You are lonely because you have engineered your own life to be alone. You're stuck in a logic loop.
To stop being lonely, you have to start spending time with people in real life. Screw the statistical analyses of which site will improve your chances to meet another lonely virgin who never gets out either. Go spend time with people in nature.
You are doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result. You want this lonely virgin to fall into your lap, you are annoyed that they aren't doing that. That's because lonely virgins are doing what you are doing. Whining about it but are not willing to change up tactics, overhaul the thinking and GET OUT THERE and meet people.
I have some books on my profile. I think you might benefit from a few of them, in specific, Untethered Soul. You're living in a house where you've barred the doors, shuttered the windows and closed off access to people. You have to open the doors, throw open the windows, get outside and breathe some fresh air.
...............................
A
male
reader, justsomeoldman +, writes (29 April 2013):
First, I'm impressed with who you are and I'm pretty sure you are going to have a terrific life.I was once 23, in college, pretty much a virgin, and an older woman 10-15 years older, asked to date me. And she gave me whatever I wanted, sexually.Sometimes I would just drive over, get a blow-job, thank her, and leave, the thing is, I should have been focusing on the coed's.I discovered later that it was almost impossible for me to date women my own age, I was pretty jaded. I was years getting to the point where I could be reasonably normal in bed; I was used to women who would do me orally (I dated a nurse for a while -- actually her I don't regret, she was older but she and I did love each other.)If you want to date someone not experienced, consider dating a girl just out of high school. MAKE CERTAIN SHE's 18. But go ahead, it'll be fun and you are not on this planet to compete with anyone. And whatever you do!!, do not start buying sex toys, trust me, there are women out there who will like you as you are.
...............................
A
male
reader, desperatenottobealone +, writes (29 April 2013):
desperatenottobealone is verified as being by the original poster of the question- Tisha-1
I've lived outside of CA for the past few years and only recently moved back. I don't have Facebook. I lost contact with many of my friends, and I don't live near enough to any of the ones I still know to hang out very often. I've been trying to find new friends, but it has been really hard for me to do. Last time I moved to a strange new city I found friends by volunteering at various locations. It has been much harder for me to do that this time because I have a job, and that messes with my availability. I still plan on making new friends, I just haven't had a chance yet. For now, I do pretty much everything alone.
I haven't been in any real social settings in about three years. I transferred to an engineering school in 2010, and our idea of a social setting was doing homework until 2am at school.
Many of the things I think are assumptions, yes, but that doesn't mean they aren't accurate.
I have been looking pretty seriously. I tried online dating. Okcupid was an easy choice for me because it is the most popular dating site in my age range, according to alexa.com (they keep track of site metrics). Okcupid, if you haven't used it, is basically a giant game of question and answer. You can see the answers of other users. There are very few women on okcupid that identify as virgins, and even fewer that want to wait for sex after marriage. So I don't think that assumption was too far off from reality.
Sex as a topic isn't taboo to this generation. At least not with the people that I knew at school. In my major (yes that's major; I knew all 104 people in my major at school) there were two virgins. Me, and one guy that was in one of the fraternities. Everyone thought it was hilarious that we were still virgins. By my Junior year I can say with confidence that I was the only one left. Sex is a touchy topic to me and I wouldn't bring it up, but other people did; I've been called everything from innocent & cute (usually from women) to homosexual (usually from men) because I'm still a virgin.
Everyone here says it's all in my head. I guess it is, but acknowledging that doesn't make it any easier to get past.
I don't want a relationship that is based on sex. People have suggested (not here) that I go to a bar and drink a little, then hook up with the first woman who is willing. To me, that's not a good way to start a relationship. Is there nothing special that people wait for marriage for? Why does anyone want to get married?
As for why I want to get married; I feel like my life is slipping past me, and it's a lonely one. My parents were married at my age. I've watched my friends get married. Everyone has someone special by his/her side, and me? I have an empty room in an empty house. I don't want to be lonely anymore. It's slowly killing me.
I don't have horribly unrealistic expectations for marriage. I'm sure my spouse and I will argue just as much as any other couple, and will have our ups and downs. But at least I'll have a spouse. Someone to come home to every day, who I can cuddle with, make dinner for, talk to. I don't know, but it can't be worse than this. And yes, we'll have sex. Maybe even kids. It just depends on the woman I eventually find, I guess.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 April 2013):
Do you have friends you hang out with at all? I mean, somebody you can call up and go out to see a movie with?
I think you so terrified of being judged because you don't have a lot of peer-to-peer experiences in a social setting.
You make some pretty definitive statements that sound like they are coming from your brain, and your fearful thoughts, not from actual experience or reality.
"If I date a girl, these days she's going to want to have sex." You've never dated a girl. You have no idea what the mythical 'she' wants, you are projecting onto a projection.
"I want to find a girlfriend, but I can only find girls who have already had sex." You haven't been looking for real. You've been eying people from afar but you have not actually been out dating.
"I don't know anyone my age who hasn't other than me." How do you know that? Does everyone you meet wear a button that says, 'HAD SEX!' 'NONVIRGIN!' Do you actually discuss sex with everyone your age? I think you are making that up.
"I would always be wondering about the other guys she had sex with and was it better and why couldn't she just wait, etc." Here at least you actually admit that it's your mind that would be causing you the anguish. Why couldn't she just wait? Because she liked the guy and was dating him and wanted to enjoy some intimacy with him, that she and he both thought the relationship was going somewhere? Is that so crazy and terrible?
You're conflicted because you are imagining all sorts of things that may or may not be real. Your mind is way too busy.
So back to my initial question, do you have any friends you socialize with on a routine basis?
Do you expect to form a relationship with this mythical girl that involves more than sexual activity? When you say 'settle down with and get married,' what do you think that is like? And why do you want to get married?
...............................
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (28 April 2013):
The way of the world is that its pretty common for guys to marry women 5 or 10 years younger. Put that way way you future wife may still be in grade school and certainly a virgin! However, reading this thread and your replies has made me wonder if your first time really needs to be so good? Unless its your wedding night maybe you are better off having crap first time sex! that way you wont have to keep comparing first times. My first time was amazing, but then the next first time wasn't. The ground didnt move. So maybe what you seek is not what you want. I suggest you stop pondering this topic and in the mean time take up an enjoyable hobby. When the situation is such that you have sex with someone it will happen regardless. Just promise yourself now that you wont start analysing whether it was the right thing to do or not!!
...............................
A
male
reader, desperatenottobealone +, writes (28 April 2013):
desperatenottobealone is verified as being by the original poster of the question-zippy78Wow you went through the exact same thing as I am going through, thank you for sharing. -CindyCaresMy fear is much deeper-rooted than just performance anxiety, I'm afraid. I'm timid to the point that I won't even approach women I find attractive. I'm working on it though. A friend of mine told me I need to feign confidence even if I have none, and I've been trying to. I wanted to wait until I was financially stable (car, house, and job) before I looked for a girlfriend. I only started looking seriously last July, and have discovered that I don't actually know how to ask women out! Basically what little self-confidence I shriveled up and died faster than a flower in the desert. I have a lot to learn, thanks for the advice! -YouWishThanks for the encouragement!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 April 2013):
 Then, if I got it right, so many words,... but it all boils down to performance anxiety. You are afraid that you won't be that good the first time, and that she would judge you poorly for that.
The first is not a fear, it's a fact of life. The first time you'll wing it somehow, believe me ( after all it's supposed to be a natural instinct, trust nature to give you a big helping hand ) but yes, probably it won't be a stellar performance, it won't rock her world, it won't make her hear the angels singing... So BFD. So what ? If everybody should wait for being totally expert and competent before they set out to do something, there would be no actors, or singers, or soccer players. Not even surgeons or physicians as for that ! In fact, nobody would ever go to work, because , after their college degree, they 'd still only have a theorical knowledge of their subject, but no practical experience, which they can't get until they get started.
You are like one of those people who say : Oh no, I don't dance because I can't dance-"- Ok, but when are you going to learn if you never try ??
As for being judged harshly for an insufficient performance, it depends. I guess it's possible if you hook up with someone who's horny, just wants to get her kicks, and wants you out of her life the morning after- but if she is someone you love, and she loves you back, she will be unfazed, patient, compassionate and thrilled about , no, not teaching you- about learning together to know each other's body and each other's responses, to find your common groove, to develop your couple's own particular alchemy.
The analogy with dance comes handy again, because sex - and dance- are about so much more than technicalities . You can be Fred Astaire, and know all the right moves, and still not make that much of an impression. Because sex is a way of communicating, with bodies instead that with words, and to develop good communication it takes mutual trust, mutual interest, passion ,openness ..and being willing to screw up and make it better for the other person, - with time and patience. It's a work in progress, it does not have to be perfect the first time !
So, apparently .... you have no religious objections, you have no moral objection based on the intrinsical value of virginity. You just have stage fright !
Now, not that stage fright it's weird or bad or anything, but... why wrapping it up in complicated psychological /moral issues ! Just accept that you are afraid, that it's all a big ego thing ( as an actor who will refuse to perform unless he is 100% sure that the audience will be wildly enthusiastic )- and see what you want to do with this fear , where does it take you, if it is functional to your happiness and srves your future, ...or if you want start working on it.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 April 2013):
 You were home schooled? Don't worry! You will not be at a disadvantage when you enter college. If you find someone you really like, within a few dates, you'll figure out her view on sexuality's place in a relationship.
Where you meet her and under what circumstances will affect your odds of finding someone who has sexually compatible goals. Like others have said, many girls who are religious are more apt to agree with your view on sex, but even among those who are not, there are plenty of girls who feel as you do, and view sex either as something to wait until marriage for (Tina Fey being one of them -- she waited until she was 24 and lost it to her husband) or at least you're in love and in a very committed and established relationship.
You'll definitely be able to tell her that you're wanting to wait until marriage, and if she truly cares for you, she'll wait and not pressure you. Something tells me that as you get more comfortable with the girl you are with, you might shed a lot of the anxiety. Just go slow, and she will too.
Do not be scared! No matter if you met a girl who is sexually experienced, she's not going to have this list of expectations and hold a clipboard while you two are intimate. She'll know you're a virgin, and as long as you find it exciting to learn ways to give her pleasure, you'll be home-free. She's not going to say "Okay, for 17.5 minutes, you need to **fill in the blank** because that's what my ex did!**. Like I said -- no matter what her experience is, it will still be a first time experience for both of you, and it's a clean slate with new rules and new exploration.
It sounds like you were a little sheltered, and if you graduated college at 18, no wonder you were intimidated! Listen to me, you're not that wide-eyed kid anymore. You're still a 100% red-blooded testosterone male. You just haven't taken the proverbial shrink wrap off of your sexuality yet. You're the Ferrari in the driveway, the airplane on the runway. The thing you're scared of is something that will awaken you like nothing else. All of the love songs you've ever known, all of the written word regarding love and passion, will come alive.
You may have been homeschooled or sheltered or shy. You may have been a prodigy. But now you're an equal. It's okay to look for a virgin, and it's okay to be with someone who's not one. Never forget that the issue is secondary to whether or not you find a girl who's really going to love you for you. When you find that person, and you decide to become sexual with her, either after marriage or before, or whenever, it will become as natural as breathing and a thousand times more fun and amazing.
You're not the intimidated kid. You're a man.
...............................
A
male
reader, desperatenottobealone +, writes (27 April 2013):
desperatenottobealone is verified as being by the original poster of the question-YouWish
Yes, I'm mostly concerned about performance. It scares the living daylights out of me.
While I also tend to consider it a immoral to have premarital sex, I don't consider a woman soiled for making that choice. It is hers to make, after all. I can definitely say that if I start to like someone I won't care about her sexual history. (The whole reason that I'm asking this question is that I'm starting to like someone who I know has slept with her ex. I've been noticing that my aversion dating more experienced girls is diminishing rapidly the more I like her) The issue isn't that I don't like girls who aren't virgins, or that I consider them worse because of that. It's just that I want my first time to be with someone I love, who loves me, and who is also a virgin. And yes, I would totally love it if our first time was on our marriage night. I'm actually scared, terrified almost, of being with an experienced woman who has expectations of me.
I'm glad you shared you and your husband's story. I think I'm going to do my best to not care any more about finding a fellow virgin, but still save my first time for after marriage.
The next question that I would need to ask is:
What if she wants to have premarital sex and I still want to wait for marriage?
I would ask that, but I'm willing to bet that there is no good answer. I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it, and hope that I never come to it.
I don't think this would have been a problem in the first place if I hadn't been home schooled. I didn't get the social education that public school students get, and I graduated college with my first degree at 18. I think part of my problem was being around a bunch of sexually active college students when I wasn't even legal made me scared of them, they seemed almost predatory to me, and I never got over it even though as I stayed in school longer they eventually caught up to me in age.
Anyway, thanks! Your answer makes me feel way better.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 April 2013):
This subject always brings up a lot of emotions on both sides of the opinion table, and I like reading the differences of opinions whenever it comes up.
Personally, I'm okay with you preferring to be with a virgin if you are also one. To me, it's a simple compatibility issue. There is nothing wrong with saving your virginity until you're in love and wanting to share the experience with someone who is also a virgin, and I personally don't see a "soiled" viewpoint coming from you.
If you were sexually active and demanded a virgin, or if you liked a girl and were attracted to her, yet considered her diminished in value because he was sexually active before you, I'd take a lot of issue with that.
I likewise didn't hear any religious reasons or convictions behind what you've said. It's more of a performance thing for you. I'd like to speak into that, so maybe if that's your only issue, I can assuage that fear.
I very very *RARELY* have met or heard any woman's story about the sexual encounter of losing her virginity being this magical beyond wonderful ecstatic orgasmic experience. I've heard instead many more stories of painful, traumatic, uncomfortable, awkward, sticky, bloody, unpleasant or underwhelming first-time sex that made some women shy of ever wanting to do it again. Am I right ladies? Even with guys we loved and adored, the closeness was awesome, and after the initial losing of that virginity and the subsequent soreness, the true magic was in the subsequent times of getting to know our own bodies during sex and becoming good at it with a partner.
But the very first time isn't usually the "Titanic" scene with sweaty, post-orgasmic rocket-to-the-heavens sex for a woman. It can get to that point for sure!
There are pros and cons to both possibilities. If you're driven by insecurity or anxiety, let me tell you that when you both have those insane feelings and desires for one another, no matter what the sexual history is in the past for either of you, that *IS* the first time. Every man and woman is different, every partnering is different. A woman who constantly compares her current lover with former ones is missing the point, because like fingerprints, every love is different.
If you're still preferring a virgin because you are one, that's okay. But if you're interested in someone who isn't one, it's NOT okay to start dating her and then throw her sexual history in her face. You either have to fully accept a woman's sexual history, or stick with the plan of meeting and dating a virgin like yourself.
I dated a virgin. Didn't bother me one bit. He wanted to wait until marriage, so eventually, I married him! Our wedding night was so full of laughter, and I knew he was anxious. He had nothing whatsoever to worry about...and man he has gotten *GOOD* at it. That's one huge pro about being with a guy who is a virgin -- they haven't learned to become arrogant in their techniques. They are dedicated to pleasing the woman they're with. BIG plus. HUGE plus.
Don't worry! Virgin or not a virgin, you will be just fine!
...............................
A
male
reader, desperatenottobealone +, writes (27 April 2013):
desperatenottobealone is verified as being by the original poster of the question-aresu:
Your analogy using tennis is exactly what I've been worried about. Other people in this thread have said that I'm just insecure about my performance...Duh! How can I be secure about something I haven't done? I would much rather have the situation described by JustHelpingAgain where I find someone who can have fun discovering sex with me rather than finding someone willing to coach me, as described by Sageoldguy1465.
-JustHelpingAgain
Sadly, and the reason I'm considering dropping my outlook on this topic, there are not very many virgins my age. Just look at the statistics. By the age of 22, 92% of females are sexually active with at least one partner.
-CindyCares
It speaks volumes that the only person who has replied that is female finds this wrong, but I think you have the wrong idea about me. I consider premarital sex immoral, but not for particularly religious reasons. I reject women who have made that choice because they have made that choice and I haven't. I would not have sex with a virgin "in a jiffy", but am considering dropping the moral because it is frustrating trying to find a girl who has waited and wants to wait.
I have waited for a girl I don't know exists.
You would have me walk into a situation I can't possibly be familiar with and do it with someone who knows what she's doing and what I'm not doing right. Excuse me if I find that daunting.
-zippy78
Yes that's the whole point. I'm conflicted, extremely so. I wouldn't care after having given up on not having premarital sex, because once I've had sex it just becomes hypocritical if I didn't.
...............................
A
male
reader, aresu  +, writes (26 April 2013):
 Given that you are a virgin then no, it is not unreasonable, despiste people thinking that is stupid or unrealistic, that is irrelevant, because that has nothing to do with the fact than the only way for you to be unreasonable is if you didnt held yourself to the same standard, that is the only way. Is that uncommon? Yea . is it harder? In these times, definitely. But aside from the issue itself being hard, another thing that you Will find is that people will give you a hard time for it, and that is because society always asumes that if you for ANY reason value or seek virginity, thenyou must be a mysoginistic ass****, it doesnt even matter if you have perfectly reasonable and understandable reasons that are good for you ( because who better to know that but yourself?). I have heard of more ridiculous things people want on their partner, like a certain race, certain skin or eyes or hair color, etc. And you wont see people bitching about that nearly as much even tough it limits options in partners at least just as much, so the hardness and unorthodox requirements is not what bothers people, what bothers people is the focus on virginity, and i can understand that, mysoginistic people are terrible, however they tend to judge people even if they even suspect that they are biggots. Yea maybe some people lost it in ways that werent bad, maybe they even lost it how you wanted to lose it yourself, but that doesnt mean that you must give them a chance, im not saying that you shouldnt or that you should, im just saying that you have the right to reject anyone without being judged, after all you have to do what you know it will make you happy, not what will make others happy. And that doesnt mean that you have a problem with insecurity or crap like that, it just means that is not what you are looking for, and dont have to out up with that. I Will give you an example with an analogy: lets say you want a partner to play tennis with, but you want someone of your same skill level, so your games would be more interesting and challenging, you get to improve together, to laugh together at your almost equally bad skills, you both get to learn and see your skills improve together, etc. The point is you can relate better, sure you can find someone who is so good at the game and that is willing to coach you and put up with you, but that takes away of the fun, because the good player has to under play to be even, and the bad player knows this, and that is not fun, and he knows he could be in a better situation had he just went for someone else, it becomes a chore instead of recreation. That doesnt mean is bad, but maybe you dont feel like doing that, so you Will stick to players of your level, that doesnt make the good players a bad choice but if you dont wanna play with them and you are not forced to do it, then why bother?.
...............................
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (26 April 2013):
Well despite what you think there are many women your age who haven't had sex yet. Some just havent met the right guy, and some dont want to risk the problems that sex can bring until they are married. You may fall in love with someone and forget your concerns, or you may decide you want to wait until being married.
I think I was very lucky that my first girlfriend and I were both virgins together and had really bad sex but great fun discovering together. Far more fun and memorable than first times with subsequent women.
You are young and still think of sex as something monumental but the reality is that it is only the icing on the cake, and whilst some cake really need icing, many are just fine with a thin frosting!!
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 April 2013):
 You can decide that you would like to find a virgin woman for your G/F-nee-wife if you'd like... BUT, remember, that will narrow down your possibilities dramatically.....
(Myself? I'd hope she DID have a little experience.... so's she could coach me, as we went along......)
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 April 2013):
Yes it is wrong. You don't mention religious reasons and are not even sure you'd want to wait for marriage yourself, so obviously you don't see premarital sex as a bad, immoral choice. In fact, it is a choice you would do for yourself in a jiffy, if only you could meet a virgin who's willing to give you her virginity.
But you reject women who have made the same choice ( premarital sex ) for themselves , on the ground that... oh right, no ground. Other than ,they were supposed to wait, to wait for what, whom ? , to wait for you ? Why ? Without even knowing that you existed ? . And on the ground that they'd be more experienced than you and that would make you look bad . Which is not even true btw, but anyway it's a bullshit reason, all based on ego and narcissism and oneupmanship, which are things that do not mix well will love , respect and depth of feeling.
...............................
A
male
reader, desperatenottobealone +, writes (25 April 2013):
desperatenottobealone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionzippy78-Thanks, that helps. "I do think your being unrealistic to think that single girls should have said no to all the other men they have had an attraction or relationship with, but that its okay for them to take your virginity and you theirs." It's more of a mental block. I don't want to be with someone way more experienced than me the first time. After that I assume I wouldn't care. (This being in the hypothetical situation where I have sex before marriage, which I'm also no longer sure about)"If you want to wait until marriage then fair enough and if you want to meet someone else who wants the same then that's fine too but I think your being very naïve and insecure here op." -What are you saying, that I should just give up on both trying to find a virgin and waiting until marriage?
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (25 April 2013):
Only you can answer this question for yourself. There is no easy way about it, because dating in general is pretty tough. Having your morals is really actually fine but I feel like where you live is maybe holding you back from finding someone readily available. Chances are that you will have to just be patient. You could always travel overseas to other countries or islands where customs are different. For example in my country there are still many virgins around, even though times are changing. Or you can try an online dating site.
...............................
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (25 April 2013):
 Don't be ashamed that you're a virgin. keep your standards. There are virgin girls out there, but you may have to broaden the places to look " maybe visit a church or two". there is nothing wrong with wanting a virgin girlfriend. you have standards stick by them.Don't be intimidated by a girl that has had sex, be honest were you stand.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013): "I don't want to date a girl who has had sex because I haven't. Is that wrong?"
To me it is, but you have to make up your own mind.
Frankly though your reason is bullshit. You don't see yourself wanting to be with a girl who didn't wait? Wait for what OP? Wait for you? Maybe she did wait and lost her virginity to a guy she loved but then the relationship ended after a while.
That part is illogical as you seem to view women who aren't virgins as soiled or dirty.
Your second reason that you don't want to be thinking about any other guys she's had is called retrojealousy and that stems a lot from insecurity and performance anxiety.
Now saying all that you're free to choose whatever conditions you like when it comes to the women you date, you can only go for women with one arm if that's what you want. It's your life.
But OP your reasons are in your head and not reality. but if you can't get them out of there then you're better off sticking with virgins.
For the record OP very few women mind being with a virgin your age. I mean if you want sexual confidence before you even start dating then do your homework. There are tonnes of online sex guides that are really good, pay particular attention to learning how to give good head because if you can make a woman cum before she even sees your penis OP then you're a winner.
If I were a still a virgin and lacking confidence I'd buy a replica silicon vagina with clitoris and practice on that.
I say do that, do your research and know what you're doing. Don't go to porn for tips, that's not how women like to be treated but try not to focus on guides written by women either OP. They're useful but you're a man, the best source of advice is by men who know what works. One woman doesn't speak for all women, but a man who has been with a lot of women will know what works in general for most.
...............................
|
