A
female
age
30-35,
*gelesslovers
writes:I'm 16 years old and I'm convinced that I'm completely in love with someone I've never met. We've spoken to each other online for 5 years, the first time we spoke then and got to know each other we'd said we liked each other but then disregarded those feelings because we were so young. We've always been close and we've helped each other through so many things. My friends and his friends also to talk to each other, so it's kinda like we're a big group. Now, this weekend I have the chance to meet him in London but my whole family have told me they don't want me to go and that if i chose to, I risk losing all of the because of it. The thing is, I would literally do anything for him. I've been with a lot of guys in the years I've known him and thought I was in love, but it never felt right, I always came back to thinking about him. He was with other girls too and I got insanely jealous, just like he did with the guys i went with. He's also told me that since we started speaking all those years ago he always knew I'd be the one he married and honestly, I've always thought that too. I can't even begin to explain how I feel about him . I know he might not come across to other people as perfect and can act like a complete asshole, but I honestly couldn't ask for anything more. It's also past the stage of where he makes me happy and smile and stuff, but to the point where I want to make him happy.. And I'll always put what he wants before anything I want. I'm completely prepared to give up my whole life and family and everything I have for him. Is all this normal? Also, we have pretty much everything in common and he's really the only person who truely knows me, he knows me without even having to ask things about me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): Me too!
Except I'm 13 and we aren't quite ready to meet each other yet
Since we do live quite a long ways from eachother
this is what I think it kinda depends on what site you met him on(i met mine on YouTube with videos yadda yadda yadda) Anyway you should definyly take a friend of you wanna go
-best of luck
Kate
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 Ok,I don't mind passing for a self righteous dolt. Heck, I would not mind BEING a self righteous dolt if that were my child.
Life has a way of being very simple in some instances and this is one of those. So : Yes, it is wrong that a 16 years old KID goes gallivanting 550 km from home to chase after a perfect stranger , whom she fell madly in love with at 11 (!),if her parents are not OK with that. Particularly if she is really so overemotional and impulsive as she sounds, and particularly if she still depends from her parents for food ,lodging,education etc.
She stays put until she has shown her parents some level of maturity and reliability that will make them comfortable with her choices and her travel arrangements.
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female
reader, Agelesslovers +, writes (2 June 2010):
Agelesslovers is verified as being by the original poster of the question @CallMeDeth, thankyou :) that really helped a lot! Im still going to go, but i know not to expect everything from him right away. I know I have to be careful about what I do and don't do with him, to make sure I'm with my friend at all times now, to make sure that he really is who he is and not who he could be.. Thankyou, seriously though. That helped a lot :) Plus, we had an arguement last night/early this morning :/ it was my fault.. and I dont want people being all "You're just saying that cause he's manipulated you into thinking it" No. I know it was my fault and I know I made a stupid mistake, but we can grow from that, hopefully? Also, what you said about you being grown up from a young age? Im like that too, I've had to grow up from a young age to try and support myself.. I guess, sometimes i forget how old i really am. I appreciate all this, thanks to all of you :)
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male
reader, CallMeDeth  +, writes (2 June 2010):
Amidst nonsense, q105 makes a couple of vaguely interesting/proper points. But it’s time for me to go into my rantingoldman mode, even though I’m only 19. From age 9 to age 16, I was a complete shut-in. My life was online. Over that period of time I had a “relationship” with five girls, one guy, and one transmale pre-op/hormones (essentially: a girl who wished she was a guy.) Over the course of the passing years, I’ve met None of these people offline. I’ve met other online friends in person, five in total. These that I have met taught me that my judge of character was spot-friggin-on.
Then I entered into a year long relationship with a girl we’ll just call B. B was everything important to me. We had a whole lot in common right down to our economic classes. She was beautiful, funny, and most of all she loved me. And I loved her. We could make each other laugh, cheer each other up, bring each other down. I lived and breathed for her. My reason for waking up in the morning? Her. My reason for going to school? To make money so she and I could move in together. My reason for BREATHING? Her. Her. Her.
She lived in Virginia, me in Indiana. We were going to live in a rural area of Texas, in all likelihood.
B had me completely fooled, my friend.
I’ve spent most of my intelligent years of life gauging whether people I had gotten close to online could be trusted. In the recent years, I had noticed two big errors, and B was number 3.
B was a real girl, 100%. The person she was was completely real. But the person *I* knew was a lie, a fake. B is a manipulative little bugger, and I never saw it until she had taken away one important year of my life.
I’m not saying this is how it is going to be with your boy, but consider this. The year she took from me? I was 18-19. You’re 16. Sixteen, kiddo. You met this guy when most people your age are still *insert comment to make me sound old.* True, I still have online friends from when I was 9, one of whom I’ve even met.
But… I was never much of a kid.
My point here is now that your family and your potential boyfriend have you on a tightrope, a crazy balance between problems and peace. You need to seriously weigh your options. How serious is your family about you not visiting this guy? How serious are you in your thoughts that he is worth it?
And here’s some advice I’d never thought I’d give, considering my past: Be instinctively cautious. If you do meet him? Bring someone with you, meet this guy in an open, public area. You’re going to London right? Big city, sure. Make that work for you.
In short my advice is that no one can tell you what the right or wrong call is, and anyone who does is either delusional or a self-righteous dolt. Your heart and your brain have to talk with one out with you, but recognize that whatever the result… you must live with the consequences. That’s always a sad fact of life.
Good luck, kiddo. You know something? You make me think of a kid I used to consider a little sister. I hope everything works out right for you.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 June 2010):
 Q, that is actually a risk every woman takes when dating any man, whether they met online or not.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (31 May 2010):
 I must admit I don't like the sound of him bringing another friend with him to meet you, even if a friend is going to London with you. Nor do I like you saying you'll do anything for him.....this is not smart! You should exercise caution, because your safety and well-being is more important than anything else!!
Look, whatever you do, DO NOT go to his apartment, or his friend's or ANYWHERE you will not be in a public place at all times. If you go to a pub with him, make sure you limit the amount you drink, assuming you are drinking something alcoholic that is - and I'm not sure of the legal age for alcohol. You don't want to get into a situation where you have had a bit too much.....better still, ask him to visit you in Glasgow!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): Woah, well firstly I completely understand, I'm actually from Scotland myself :P (Stirling) anyway, I met a guy on a game called Runescape when I was 12 and he was 13. I'm almost 17 now and he's 18, and it's basically the same predicament except he lives in Liverpool. We're planning to meet up in once I can drive so we can drive halfway and see each other.
I think you should take someone with you just to be safe, or why don't you suggest that he travels halfway an you travel halfway so the distance isn't as far, or maybe he could come and visit you and stay for the night at your house so your family can meet him or something? :)
you won't lose your family, they're naturally scared for you and are saying that because they're scared in case something happens to you. I strongly suggest you take someone.
Good luck! x
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female
reader, Agelesslovers +, writes (31 May 2010):
Agelesslovers is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is, he has never asked me to do anything for him. When I told him what I'd been through this week for him, he actually got annoyed at me and said that I shouldn't have done it, he also wanted to speak to my parents and apologise for all of this. I know there are so many risks and I've taken them all into account. I also know not to completely fling myself at him when we meet, just to hope for the best. I'll have friends around with me if anything does go wrong. But thinks for the positive advice, to all of you who gave it x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): Been in a similar situation, 2 years contact online then absolutely no chemistry after meeting face to face, even though I was absolutely convinced I was in love at the same age as you. Hope it works out for you, but don't be disappointed if it doesn't... this isn't how relationships are supposed to start...
Best of luck :)
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (31 May 2010):
Oh yes, I happened to forget another thing I wanted to say. Everyone here, including me, is scared and worried that you will take a beating from this man, be locked up in a room, loose your ties to your family and have no financial means of your own to get out. Because, yes, these things can happen if you blindly do anything for the other. Doing anything is not love, it's more like worshipping, as in a slave worshipping it's master. So we get scared when we hear it formulated like that. But, if you use your head, I believe you will be fine. I believe you would do anything for him to a certain degree. If he tells you to jump off a bridge I think you'd say no.
So, does he feel the same way about you, would he do anything for you? If not... don't do everything for him either. A relationship needs balance. Make sure there is balance.
Also, as a last warning, a man can ask one little thing at first. And you say ok. Then he asks the next, and it is not so bad. Then he asks you to sacrifice something, and you have already gone so far down the path of following him that you will say yes again. So: be aware of this path of submission.
I, however, believe that you have the ability to see when someone is not good for you, and you have friends to watch out for you, you know this mans family, and your family know where you will be. If I was you I would do it. I'd keep my feelings under control, but I'd go. Now if you do decide to not go, since it is a good distance to travel and London is huge and scary, I believe you will have chances later on to see him as well. And if he loves you, he will not ask more from you than what you can give. If he loves you and even just cares for you, he will not ask you to give up your life for him and run away or anything. He will look after your interests as well as his own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): Don't do it, your not friends, anyone can be anything on the Internet.
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female
reader, Agelesslovers +, writes (31 May 2010):
Agelesslovers is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice. Just to clarify, he's the same age as me. Also, It doesnt just stop at us speaking online, we've been on webcam to each other almost every night for the past 5 years, we've spoken on the phone, I've spoken to his mum and dad on the phone. I know he hasn't lied about who he is or who his friends are because I've also spoke to them through webcam , even his ex-girlfriends who tell me about how much he goes on about me. I'm also not meeting him completely on my own this weekend, my friend is coming with me and his friend is going with him. We both understand that people aren't always the same online as they are in person, but even speaking to him on the phone I can see he's exactly the same person.. The only reasons my parents are against it is because london is quite far away (I'm from Glasgow) and they are worried something will happen to me there, not at the fault of him, but just with things happening in the news recently. I understand it's a big risk to take and also probably one of the biggest decisions of my life, but it all just feels.. right :/ Again though, thankyou for all your answers, you've all helped out a fair bit xx
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 May 2010):
It's normal for your 16 years of age.
This kind of things is precisely why at your age you are not allowed to vote, or to drink alcohol,or to sign a contract.
And in many countries ,not even to drive a car or to have sex.
Because your judgement can't be trusted yet in assisting you to make responsible choices.
"I'd give up my entire life for somebody that I've never even met ". Yeah- very reasonable and mature. No wonder that your parents are so thrilled about that.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (31 May 2010):
I happen to think this is great, although I suspect everyone else things this is horrible because you are so young and yadda yadda, + you met him online. You talked for 5 years. Even if a man if great at keeping up a charade it usually doesnt stay up for 5 years, at a point whatever masks are up will fall and the poster has already seen his ass hole side. And she still loves him. I say this is splendid. We'd all be thrilled if we were in your shoes.
Now, for my concerns: how old is this fellah? And how far away is London? If it's anything up to a 2 hour drive I say fair enough, grab a friend to go with you (because even 16 year olds can get lost in the big city) and meet the man. After all you are not even boyfriend girlfriend yet, and you wont jump straight to bed with him after only ONE encounter. You'll want to spend time with him and see him in person first, and enjoy those simple things that you never got to see while it was only online.
But, if he is 5+ years older than you... not advised. Because, simply, that means a 17 year old was chatting up an 11 year old. If this was purely friendly and he saw you as a sister, fine. But he gets jealous, and you are way beyond brotherly feelings for him. So, I am curious to hear how old he is. If he IS 5+ years older, leave it just another couple of years, until you are 18. Once you hit 18 it'll all be good.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (31 May 2010):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/our-different-cultures-are-becoming-a-problem-what.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-take-a-beating-from-him-because-i.html
Read up on what happens to women with your mindset of doing ANYTHING for him.
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female
reader, Waiting for an angel +, writes (31 May 2010):
I dont think its safe for you to travel to london to meet him. And btw how much older is he? And there is no way you know him from head to toe just by talking online, i agree with the other people who have made a comment he's got you wrapped around your finger. Women are very easy to convince , becAuse we think with our hearts not with our heads especially someone your age. If i were you i wouldn't risk myself in something like this especially if you've never met this mAn. And if he's so interested in you why doesnt he come meet you in your own city where you'll be closer to your family and they too can meet him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you feel. If you have deep feelings for this guy, then it is understandable that you will be willing to give up everything for him.
The thing is, it all sounds a bit too drastic and extreme to me. I know you feel love for him, but meeting him in person might be completely different. Just suppose, for a moment, that you met him and you both didn't get on, or just didn't click in person. What then? You would be in a difficult situation. I'm not trying to put you off this guy, not at all. And I am not trying to say you should not meet him. All I am trying to do is alert you to the fact that it is possible for things to not go as you would expect. So I would encourage you to think of some other potential options first, before making a drastic decision.
Why are your family so against you seeing this guy? Are they worried? Do they not like the sound of him? Instead of feeling like it is you and him against them, do you think you could talk to your family about this first, and see if it gets you anywhere? Maybe you could ask them what they are so concerned about. If you discuss it with them, and try to explain things from your side, they might be more understanding. You could just explain to them that you are simply meeting him to talk, that's all. Maybe you could agree to meet him with some friends, so you will not be alone, and agree for them to call you at a certain time to ensure you are okay. Or what if they contacted this guy for themselves, to see what he is like? It might help to alleviate any fears they may have.
I know you must really want to see this guy, especially after all this time. But is it so necessary for it to be right now, if the situation is so awkward? Would it hurt to wait until you have tried to talk to your family about it? It is your decision, but I guess what I am trying to suggest is that you maybe try to see if there are any other possibilities, rather than just all or nothing. Some sort of compromise, middle ground. If you do decide to go ahead and meet him though, then just be careful. Whatever you decide to do, I hope things work out well for you. x
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 May 2010):
It is normal for girls your age to feel this way. Girls mature at a fast rate than boys do, and many do fall for older guys. Also, there are some who have left home for these men. Many have made a huge mistake. Now you can believe me or not, and you can like it or not, but you are walking into danger. You don't really know this man at all. You may think you do, but you and your friends could all be talking to a small group if sadists, or one man playing you all off against each other. You wanting to give everything up could be something that he has been waiting for. I'm sure you'll be aware that there are young women your own age who have gone down this route. Occasionally, it has worked out, but most of the time it's either not worked out, or worse still the young women have been hurt or is some cases even killed.
Then there's the fact that you think he's brilliant, but others think he's an asshole. And how many times has he gone on about marriage, but then gone off with many other women?
You can take it from another man that this one is one to avoid. He's told you everything you want to hear so he has you wrapped around his little finger. But there he is with other women, and there is your family telling you not to go.
Being a 16 year old, you'll no doubt want to do what you want, and it may be that you totally disregard the advice given here. Many others do. But many others end up back here asking for more advice. So will you. Take it from a man that the guy you're interested in is a man who will use you.
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