A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I do not have a sex life. In the past 3 years we have made love once. We don't flirt, no passionate kissing or anything. Pretty much she is like my sister. She is a decent mother and a good friend but the spark is gone. She has given me lots of things she wants to get her in the mood (don't put so much pressure on her, don't ask everyday, try different approachs, etc)I've tried lots of things and nothing has worked. I've wrote letters and tried to talk with her about it but she only avoids it. I've reached my limit. Any advice on my next step?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): I understand how you feel at this moment but I want to share with you one very true aspect of mine. My husband and I have sex may be about once in several months but recently I've read some articles giving me an insight into this matter. I tried to make a change and it worked perfectly good for me and I'm so turned on by my husband now. You as a husband need to have more verbal and physical contact with your wife (I don't mean those contact which initiates sex) because this kind of touching accumulates the tenderness hidden inside both of you. Well, this may take some time because we need to feel the passion first before we can have sex with our partner. The other thing is, may be your wife is suffering from pain in sex after child birth and she feels ashamed to let you know. Talk to her and discuss the possibility of switching of sexual positions, I would suggest a doggy-style and she giving you BJ before you have sex. If she loves you, believe me, she would be so turned on when she does BJ fo you. Worth trying but don't ever push it. Good luck.
A
female
reader, LovePrevails  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 Hey,I just read you Question and if i'm honest, I feel sorry for you. I know it cant be easy and at times you must even wonder about cheating (if you havent already). But you say she's a mother? She proberly works too. She gonna be tired and fustrated and when you feel that way, you feel about a sexy as a tree stump. Dont rush into anything. And dont worry about sparks, sparks cause fires and you dont want that ;) Just romance her. Make her feel specail and sexy. Leave her little notes. Make her baths, rub her back. Tell her you love her. Tell her she's beautiful && after you long hard struggle the love will come. :D I hope i helped you in some small way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): She thinks of you as her brother as well. I'm sure her hormones have a lot to do with it too. When you get yourself that far in the hole in a relationship it's difficult to dig out of. I could be your wife. This sounds like the exact situation I'm in. I'm sure she now feels that there's no way to be intimate with you because it would be so difficult to start that up again. It's difficult to be intimate with someone again that you know so well, but also have fallen out of passion with (it's like you are in a friend relationship now instead). Another problem is that she may have never been sexually satisfied. Maybe you thought she was, but she probably wasn't. So now for her, doing without the intimacy is no big deal because it might have been really bad sex/intimacy to start with.
If you are able to start an ongoing sexual relationship again, that's something you'll have to work on. You have to let her make the choices in it though. Pressuring her and asking all the time is going to do nothing to help you and will only push her away more. My biggest piece of advice is to be affectionate and loving and do things to please her without thinking that any of it is going to lead to sex. Maybe she'll see you're trying on a different level and start to respond. But, it might be too late. Take her on a vacation with you two only and see if that will help. You could leave her too, sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder and you always want what you can't have.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, it is very frustrating! I am a woman but had to end a beautiful relationship because of this exact reason, I wanted sex, he did not.
As far as women being aroused, I can offer this...a woman needs to feel special...specifically, special to you. She needs to feel that it's 'you and her' against the world, that you have her back. This puts her in the emotional space that she needs to be in order to open up sexually. If she feels that she is not sexually attractive, or just another fish in the sea to you, she will feel unappreciated. Be aware of how you comment or talk about other women to her. Tell her she is beautiful and give her affection in a safe way...i.e. out in public where she knows it won't be followed by a request for sex. Start off slowly or she will feel it's insincere. Hold her hand, kiss her cheek or forehead...if you get a chance, kiss her passionately and hold her tight. Open the door for her, pull out her chair, carry her bags....these are all things that work during courtship but get dropped as soon as the woman is taken for granted.
It will take a bit to melt her down as it sounds like her guard is up, if you are successful in opening her back up, don't do anything to jeopordize your hard earned position. If she is not feeling sexy because her body changed from childbirth, it will be hard to convince her that you desire her (and only her), this is very important to a woman, even if it is just an elusion.
Do you know how to make her climax? If a woman doesn't climax during sex, she will not be motivated to do it again. If a man can give a woman an orgasm, she WILL come back for more!
Best of luck to you, I hope that you are able to salvage your relationship, I wish I could have salvaged mine.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 May 2010):
 Sex once in 3 years is beyond a case of her moods, and I fear with that long time past, she's getting set in her ways. I recommend nothing less than marital counselling with a third party professional, as it's become obvious that it won't be solved with just the two of you.
There have to be some issues there that need to come out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): Tell her you want to see a therapist together, and if she refuses warn her that you are reaching a breaking point. She should respond in some way, to make an attempt to fix things. It can't be one-sided, three years is long, she needs to explain herself.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): Women get aroused differently than men.They take more time.They like romance,making special moments.
Somehow women relate how they feel about themselves to how they feel pretty or desireable.
If they don't feel attractive they don't want you to touch them.
It's really about making her feel special and every girl is different.Most women I know love walks on the beach.Hold her close, keep your mouth shut and your ears open.Listen to her hopes and dreams without judging or criticizing.If a guy would just pay attention she would show you the way.Pay attention to her show her affection without sex.
If it helps, pick up a romance novel read then you will find out what they want.
Think always about how you are making her feel.This is it.Don't act like a needy guy i haven't had sex boo hoo.
My buddy turned his wife from once a month into a sex aholic by getting her emotions worked up all the time.He builds her up,encourages her. he gets it every day if you know what i mean.It starts in the morning simmering to eventually becomes a boil.Women want sex they just need a way to channel it.It can be done.Read up on the art of seduction it will be worth the effort.There are no short cuts.
If her hormones are not right testosterone treatments will make her want it like crazy too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): From experience from the other side of this sort of problem I would say: nah, you have not tried eveything! Men tend to think they have, but even if they have done a lot of things they don't normally do, they have more thinks to try yet. A lot more. (sure, the women could try some things too, but since you're the one asking the question...)
When you say she avoids the subject is it the subject "sex" or "lost passion and love"? Maybe she thinks you talk more about sex then passion. And maybe she's stressed and have a lot of things to do and therefore really don't want to discuss it. Do you help her around the house with kids, cooking and cleaning? Or do you let her do all of it? Just taking her to a resturant won't do the trick neither just wait for things to go back to how they were when you were newly wed. They won't. You have to court her, but not too much since it seems you're not the sort to be courting to begin with and she will get suspicious if you suddenly start. Just do small things like helping around the house or telling her she looks beautiful will help. she will feel apprechiated and more relaxed. When you just had fell in love you did things together and you made sure to appreciate one another, do you still do that?
Most of the times when these problems accure it's just a matter of that people have neglected one another. Not showed enought appreciation or love.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (31 May 2010):
 So, you had sex with your sister? Ewh.
Do you happen to treat her like a sister as well? Is the spark gone from your end as well? I ask because since she is a mother for your kids and feeds and clothes you, shouldn't the family member you mentioned have been a mother? Why sister?
What has changed? Was the sex better 3+ years ago? Then there must have been a change. Reverse that and you can get back to the way things were.
You say you have tried lots of things. But how? Have you been doing them by a checklist, written by her, going through the motions of doing girl stuff so you can get off?
What I am trying to say is that women do not want to go like this:
"I would like to be taken out more"
"Do you want to go out?"
"I want to dine at an italian restaurant"
"Shall we do Italian?"
"I want to dance"
"Shall we dance"
It lacks a certain something. Don't ask me, like most men I would like a guid to women. Women want something more spontanous. You reading their mind without being told.
There can however be so many reasons why relationships die out that it impossible to give detailed advice. We don't know what has happened between the two of you. You do, so try to figure out what is was. And remember, it doesn't have to be one thing. Straw that broke the camels back remember.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): Being in a similar situation, I'm afraid that I have little to offer except sympathy.
I don't know if this is relevant to you, but one of our problems is that the kids are now older. In earlier years we could wait until they were asleep. Now the kids are awake much later than my wife is. And she's not comfortable being intimate without total privacy.
I'll be watching the answers closely -- hope someone out there has a blaze of insight.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): Let's take another approach.Women relate intimacy with sex.It's all about how to woo a women.There are things a guy can do. Women get aroused differently then men.They generally get all excited over romance novels and romantic stuff.You are not pushing the right buttons.Take her out often and make her feel special.Dress up,Nice restaurant, walk on the beach."Really LISTEN TO HER" AND FIND OUT WHATS IMPORTANT TO HER WITHOUT JUDGMENT.HER HOPES AND DREAMS GOALS. Hold her,pay attention to her,say little or nothing.Above all don't try to get sex at this time.That's the rule otherwise She will think this is bribery.You just have to warm up that tea kettle a little at a time till it boils.Then watch out.Are there women out there that would agree?
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 May 2010):
Well, I think given that you've tried everything, you now need to tell her that this is really affecting you to the point where you need answers, or your marriage is going to fall apart. She does need to be open with you, if nothing else. So I think you need to to be honest and tell her that your marriage will start to fall apart unless she is open with you more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): Sexual intimacy is too important a thing for a relationship to just be done with. I have been through this in a long-term relationship and unfortunately we ended because of this very reason. If you're unhappy and ultimately this is something you'll likely not be able to live without, I'd suggest addressing the fact you think you've hit the wall. If you're trying things and nothings working then I think you should try and find someone who will make you feel something again. But then again, with marriage and kids I hope this isn't the only solution!
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