A
female
age
30-35,
*hadow Rose
writes:I'll try to make this as brief as possible...My mom and step dad have been pressuring me to drive and get a job, ever since I graduated, which was only a few weeks ago.Now, I took two weeks off from everything to de-stress, but now I've been studying for my permit test, even though I'm pretty much TERRIFIED of driving. I know I need to drive to get to work, because taking a bus isn't an option. I don't feel comfortable on a bus, just as I don't feel safe driving a car.The thought of driving scares me. I don't want to try and control a powerful metal beast, I'm afraid I'll get into an accident.... I just don't like driving.And I just don't like public transit. I've had a bad experience one on once and I feel awkward and uncomfortable on busses or trolleys. I'm also being pressured to find a job as well, even though I have been calling and asking places... And I told them I'd like to get a car first...I just want to be able to do these things with confidence. I want to be able to drive to an interview and get a job. I want to stop feeling so small. It sucks feeling like this.... Help me please?
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (13 July 2012):
 Ok, I'm like you, I felt I didn't excel in anything and didn't really have a clue what I wanted to do. That's ok. You can get a basic job to pay the bills while you think. It might give you an idea of what you would like to do. Or you can go to college and study something you are interested in. You don't have to be amazing to start with. It takes time to learn and get good at something. You have a lifetime to get good at something. The best advice I can give is do something that interests you or makes you feel a strong emotion. It could be animal or child welfare. Does it make you angry when kids or animals are mistreated? There are jobs in which you can help kids or animals. Or, you mentioned you are good at making stuffed animals. So you must be creative and good at designing and sewing, right? These are great skills that you can use in many careers. Everything else can be learned, so don't panic. I really think it would help you to speak to a careers counsellor. Is there any way you could do this? It might help give you some ideas.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (7 July 2012):
Hi. Probably you just need to find what actually interests you.
Do you have any hobbies?
If not, why not start some?
And perhaps it might end up making you an income!
You can't head in any direction, until you know where you're going.
So that could be a pretty good starting point for you.
If you know that, well then the sky's the limit.
Some of the most successful and wealthy people in the world, hardly went to school at all!
What they did, was they had a dream - and then they followed that dream until it became a reality.
And they never let ANYTHING or ANYONE stop them, from ever following those dreams.
So what does that say?
It says, that anything is possible in this world.
And the only limit is your own imagination.
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (7 July 2012):
Shadow Rose is verified as being by the original poster of the question Everyone says I should go to college, but one, I don't know what for, and two, I'm honestly not confident that my grades could even get me anywhere. I'm not that great at any particular thing, and that's what hinders me in doing anything major or big, that would need a degree, because I'm just not all that good....
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (4 July 2012):
Hi. If you want to make stuffed animals, you probably need to see if there is a market for it, in the first place.
The problem with that is, stuffed toys are things you can very often buy in department stores, in the toy department, so you could be making something that there already is a plentiful supply of in the market anyway.
So that's something to consider before you begin.
And apart from anything else, there is going to come a time where you will need to leave the house to buy some supplies, or to study or whatever you decide to do with your life.
So then you are still going to be faced with how do you get around.
You are uncomfortable about catching public transport, so that only leaves catching a taxi - which is very expensive - or, depending on someone else to drive you and pick you up.
And there may not always be someone available who can do that for you.
So that is definitely going to hold you back in life, don't you think?
Because, it makes you fully dependent on others to do whatever you want to do.
Otherwise, you are stuck at home.
And as a consequence of that, it takes away your freedom.
So there is sill a problem of how to get around town, isn't there?
The only other option, is to walk or ride a bicycle. However to ride a bike is putting yourself onto busy roads, in potentially dangerous situations also.
It really does seem like learning to drive a motor vehicle is your best option, by far.
If you are going to find work that you can do at home, well then you could find that it is rather limited.
So then you will HAVE to leave the house to go out and find work, won't you?
The question is, how are you going to get around?
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 July 2012):
OP, tell them you are still in the process of figuring out what you want to do and that though you know they mean well, their pressure is actually making it harder for you to get things done.
Take your time deciding what you're good at and what you think will work (setting up a little webshop on etsy.com can never hurt though) and then go for it. How about college? You're still so young, you should have more time to figure out what you want to do and achieve. You have your whole life to work.
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (4 July 2012):
Shadow Rose is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've been told that I need to get a job, no matter what...
I was thinking about selling custom made stuffed animals, since I'm good at that.... But I doubt they'd count that as a job...
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (4 July 2012):
Shadow Rose. It doesn't matter about your stamina. If you set off early enough, you can cycle nice and slowly and still get there in time. Or walk. Or have a go on a bus. You might be able to conquor your fear. Or get a moped(totally uncool in the UK I know, but they are cheaper than cars. I guess less safe though when everyone else drives cars). I agree with Cerberus, this ingrained belief that one must be able to drive and own a car to be a responsible adult. I honestly feel people think I am backward or a failure or something because I have chosen not to have driving lessons yet. Well at £25 per weekly lesson, for however long it takes to pass, and then having to pay into the thousands for a car and everything that goes with it. Well, I just always found things I'd rather spend my cash on, when I can get the bus for £2.50 per trip... It's so easy and there is only the occasional time when I wish I had a car. Even then, I can always get a taxi or stay overnight at a friends in these cases, as its normally late at night after a few drinks anyway.
I digress. Point is, yes it is scary growing up and having to start making decisions that seem so massive and scary. But don't sweat it, employers will understand how you feel. Just think of it as being like school, except you get payed for your time there and the work is whatever you choose to do, instead of whatever the teacher sets for you. Honestly, the fear of starting a job is way bigger than it needs to be.
I don't see the car thing as a big issue. You don't NEED to drive to "be an adult". Get a job first, then decide if you think the privilege of driving your own motorized box is worth hours and hours of your hard work. I went travelling in Asia for 4 months. If I'd buckled under the pressure from society to learn to drive and buy a car I would never have been able to afford the trip. I'm so glad I can't drive!
The only reason you should learn is if you actually want to, if it's a goal of yours. Or if you need a car as a requirement for a particular job you really want to do, or if you live in the arse end of nowhere and have no other transport options. You have other options, but none you are happy with. But really these are just excuses not to move forward with your life. I know its scary, but the longer you leave it, the harder it will be. You don't want to get stuck on the dole. You will lose all of your motivation and self esteem and employers will judge you for having been out of employment for so long. Get a job, any job. It will teach you what you like and don't like in a job. Then you will have a better idea of what you really want to do, so you can apply for the next, better job. Pick something that scares you the least for now. Start small then your confidence will build up. What about a local shop, restaurant, cafe, pub or facility, not too far away from home so you can walk there? Remember it's your first job, so it doesn't have to be for life.
Good luck hun. It will be fine honestly, don't worry so much :)
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 July 2012):
Just wanted to add: get your current bike checked out. I once thought my stamina sucked until I found out my bike tires were half deflated, which makes it twice as hard to get around.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 July 2012):
I second Cerberus' advice, if you live in an area that has everything relatively close by. I'm 24 and though I have a driver's licence, I do not own a car. When I was younger I wanted one, but I once got my eyes opened when I was a "runner" on a small film set and had to pick up two actors and a makeup artist from the train station.
The film location was smack dab in the busiest part of the city I knew driving was going to be a nightmare, not to mention finding a place I could park. So I decided to walk. And I found out that walking there did not only save me time, it saved me money. So everything I had to get for that small film I got on foot or by using a bike. And I got around a lot faster than my colleagues who relied on their car.
Now, all that said a car can be handy if you live in a remote village. But if that's not the case for you, save yourself the stress and worries and get a good bike. As for which type, get a model similar to the ones bike messengers use.
As for stamina, you have to start somewhere. Building up your stamina is better than building up butt fat sitting in a car ;-) So start slowly, take more time to get where you need to go. After a while you can pick up the face. Just take it one step at a time. Start training to get some basic fitness. You'll feel better and more energized too.
Good luck, OP. And remember your mom and step dad are only worried about you. I think that if you find a job you can get to by bike they'll shut up. But tell them you need to unwind first from all the stress so you can start a job feeling refreshed. Plus you'll get hired quicker if you look energetic and ready to go opposed to still being worn out.
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (3 July 2012):
Shadow Rose is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, and also, I could use a bicycle, but that'd take a bit of working up in terms of stamina. I don't exactly have the best stamina, because I've only ever had to walk to and from school, which is like, extremely close by.... So that would take a while to get up that stamina, and I'm not sure if they'd be able to wait for that.... I hope they will though....
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (3 July 2012):
Shadow Rose is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice.
It's definitely scary/stressful to be doing all that at once, and it's stressful trying to think about doing all that well enough to get into a car and drive.... It sucks. I really wish I wasn't so scared. I wish I could just get in there and learn.... I've been able to drive around in the parking lot a few times, but the thought of having all those spots I need to focus on and all those little things coming together to make one big thing....
And I know it's for my best. I know I need to do these things to survive, but the pressure is making me a big ball of nerves, because I've got the stress of driving, the stress of trying to transition from child to adult, and failing miserably, and the pressure of them now, saying I have to do all those things SOON.
I just wish I could stop being so stressed... I want to know how I can become more fit to live as an adult....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): Why not just use a bicycle? Do you live in a remote area or something?
OP people love to go on about how a car equals freedom and independence, I actually think they're the opposite. People I know who have cars are 100% dependent on them and they've become a ball and chain that really messes up their life if it has to be in to be fixed for a few days or breaks down. They build their life around the car and are lost without it. How's that freedom? I'm in my 30's and have never owned a car nor will I because I've never needed one, I can drive and actually love kart racing and stuff but cars are unnecessary unless you live in the middle of the countryside. I can go anywhere and do anything I want without them. I cycle everywhere which makes me fitter, I don't have to splash out thousands a year on a car and I don't build my life around it so I don't have to commute long distance to anything because I live in a city. People say over and over that they like having to freedom to just get in their car and drive anywhere they want, yet they hardly do that and when they do they don't actually go anywhere that I couldn't on my bike or by bus. In fact most people I know have gotten lazy and won't even walk 20 minutes to the store and back they'll drive instead, wasting money and missing out on the health benefits of walking.
Personally I think the whole freedom thing is an oil company/car manufacturers sales pitch. I don't feel less free because I don't drive.
Get a job that can be reached by bicycle or walking if you don't like driving. You're not some weirdo or crazy person just because you don't want the "freedom" of a gas guzzling financial drain.
"I want to stop feeling so small." Because you don't drive? Really?
Look if it's something you'd like to do, then why not ask your father to take you out to a remote area and teach you how to drive in a large open space where you can make all the mistakes you want without causing any harm? That's how I learned, you can build up as much confidence as you need and get comfortable controlling it without the hassle of driving on the road and then when you're ready start road driving lessons.
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A
female
reader, Davinia +, writes (3 July 2012):
Well there are short time solutions and long term solvers but you are still young and have alot of decisions to make. Confidence is obvious to see amongst the youth and this is a necessity to be able to get a job but remember you could always get a job within walking distance and therefore you are earning, your mum and step-dad will stop advising although they only want what is best for you and you could then in your own time think about applying for your car theory test and when you are ready think about taking your driving test. It is pointless rushing into things and just take one step at a time, make a plan with short term solutions to give you your long term answers. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (3 July 2012):
Stop dismissing either driving, or using public transport as impossible for you. They’re not: your fear is the problem. As far as getting a job goes, your parents are quite right to point out that you ought to be looking for work. The longer a person does not work, the harder it is to get in to a working pattern. If you’ve just graduated, you’ll be used to hard work, long hours and having to manage a social life around it. Don’t spend months and months becoming unaccustomed to it, if you can get work now whilst that pattern is still fresh in your memory, you won’t find the transition in to the world of work so difficult. These are, I’m afraid, tough times to be looking for work, but whatever the doom merchants might say, there are opportunities out there.
Don’t get in to a complaining mentality. Phobias are real, and they can make life very difficult, but you need to try and work these out of your system. With regards to travelling around, you would not be able to drive without passing a test, and having as many lessons as you’d need, so why not book some lessons to give it a try? Or, if you’d rather not drive, which is a choice that many people do make, get used to travelling on the bus. Maybe ask a family member to accompany you on a bus journey to begin with, then get used to travelling on your own by starting out with short bus rides, and gradually increase the lengths of the journey that you take alone. As for finding work, you’re making a good start if you are calling places. Look for recruitment advice services to help get you started, and ask for advice on CV writing and interview skills. Getting help with such skills can be as useful a way to spend your time as applying for jobs. But also continue to Search and apply for vacancies, because even if you don’t get the first few jobs, the application process and interviews that may result from your application will be great practice. It can never hurt to apply, you’ll either get the job, or you won’t get the job but will get useful feedback. If feedback is not offered when you are turned down for a job, ask for it. Also, figure out what you’re interested in and look for employers in that sector. Make contact with them, explain your interest in the sector, and ask if there are any vacancies or possibilities for work experience, or even just sector-specific advice. That will show real initiative to potential employers. Don’t wait for them to advertise a vacancy, and ask to be considered for any future vacancies. You can make this contact by email, if you find that verbal communication causes you anxiety (it wasn’t clear from your post whether you’re also worried about interviews), but just get your name out there as much as you can. Unfortunately good opportunities don’t just fall in to your lap, and there can be a lot of false starts and unsuccessful searches, but all of these give you the practice you need to land that job eventually! What your parents want to see is that you’re making an effort to overcome your fears, get out of your comfort zone, and get some work. They don’t want you to fall in to the trap of wishing that things were easy, and simply sitting around waiting for a time when these things don’t make you a bit anxious. But such a time will never come. So get advice, start being proactive, and ask for their support. You will be richly rewarded for putting in a lot of effort.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (3 July 2012):
Hi there. I am in my mid 20s and I do not drive. Partly through the same feelings as you, I worry that because I am clumsy in my own body, that in a car I would be putting people's lives at risk. Not a nice thought. The other reason for me is that I live in a place with a great bus service, so there is no need for me to drive. Plus I have no problem getting buses.
For you, however, you are stuck as you have a fear of both driving and public transport. This will make life difficult for you because you will not always be able to afford taxis or have someone to drive you wherever you need to go. So unless you want to spend a hug amount of money on taxis, you are going to have to tackle one of these phobias. You say you'd like to get a car, so I guess you want to learn to drive?
Once you start having lessons I am sure your fear will lesson, and lesson. I think the more you do something you are afraid of, the easier it becomes. You just need to get over that first hurdle and try it. Once you get to the end of your first lesson you will see that you survived! It might have been scary but you did it. Then the next lesson it might be less scary. After 5 or 6 lessons you may even feel confident that you can do it. The same goes for a job. trust me, they are scary when you start, even if you've had jobs in the past. It takes time to adjust to a new job, and to learn the routines and to get on with your collegues. But that is normal and natural. Everyone feels this way. I just think some people, more naturally anxious people, like you and I, find these things harder. But that doesn't mean you can't do it and you won't cope, you can and you will!
I know it's scary, but the reward you get from working and driving is freedom. You can live the life you want to. That is worth the effort. Your parents are doing what is best for you, as hard as it feels. They will keep up with the pressure until you do these things, so the sooner you take the bull by the horns the better really.
Good luck! You CAN do it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): You have a real phobia and being pressured or forced into it is only going to make your phobia worse, not better. If you have a doctor you trust, go and talk to your doctor and they will be able to find the help you need to overcome it. I promise you that with help and understanding from those you love, you will be able to get over your phobia of driving. I did myself, once I finally managed to make my father understand that his idea of pressuring me into it and explaining how great it would be when I had it would be, My doctor spoke to him and helped him understand that these things have to be done at your pace, not other people's. After help I did get my liscence, but the longer he tried pressuring me the longer it took. You can do it, but when your ready. I understand how you feel, I can only suggest you talk to your doctor, they will help I promise. Good Luck.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (3 July 2012):
Hi there. To have a driver's licence is really convenient, and gives you the independence, which then equates to freedom.
And that's something we all crave, surely.
No longer do you have to ask someone to drive you places, it's just so much easier all around.
You said that you are studying the road rules, but have you actually had a driving lesson yet with a driving school?
You may have a fear of having an accident now, however once you get behind the wheel of a driving school car, it becomes a whole different ball game, I promise you.
Driving school cars, usually have a dual control, so nothing can really go wrong.
Plus, with your first few lessons, the driving instructor will only take you on very quite low traffic flow roads, to get you used to the idea of how it feels to steer the vehicle, and how it feels to turn a corner.
You will begin on an automatic vehicle, so you don't have to worry about working the clutch to change gears.
And then if you wish to buy a manual gearbox vehicle, you will then need to switch to lessons on a manual vehicle.
That part is up to you, of course.
However, it is handy to be able to drive both - in case of an emergency, and you might in time to come, have to drive someone to a hospital.
The strange thing at first, is getting the feel of where you are on the road, and keeping inside the lanes, so you don't wander on the road.
This is a feeling you get about the very first time you sit behind the steering wheel, and as you have another lesson and another, you will get the feel for it and it will all fall into place, as it always does.
As you do wish to own your own vehicle, you naturally need to be licensed, and to learn to drive properly, it is most beneficial to learn through a proper driving school.
That way you don't learn other people's bad habits, which could make you fail your driving test, so you don't want that.
Your fear is much greater than the reality of an accident actually happening.
You see, learning to drive is not simply sitting behind the steering wheel and driving away, it's also about being aware, using your indicator whenever you want to change langes, and always checking before you cross over an intersection, to make sure all vehicles in both directions have come to a complete halt.
Following the road rules, watching for signs that indicate speed limit changes, so as to avoid speeding tickets.
It does sound like a lot, however in a short space of time, it will become second nature to you, I promise you.
Driving a motor vehicle, is always a case of staying completely alert to what it happening around you at all time.
It's just common sense really.
For instance, you would never cross a road on foot as a pedestrian, before checking to your left, right then left again, would you?
Well it's no different crossing an intersection in a motor vehicle, either.
You can do it.
First step - book your first driving lesson - TODAY!
You won't look back - I guarantee.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 July 2012):
 Oh man, living with a phobia sucks so bad, because people do not understand it. One of my best friends in the world is beyond terrified of driving. I think it's been at least 8 years since she last drove.
Since we must live in this world, and not all of us are rich enough to afford daily taxi service, you need something to cope with your phobias, because we need to support ourselves and work or study. Forming a good relationship with a doctor or therapist is a godsend, and nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about if you need it. It's like someone who has blurry vision getting glasses. You need something to help you.
If you're interested in school, you could tell your mom you want to go to online college to get your degree. Then do the process of getting what you need done.
But you have a genuine phobia, which is a medical condition when it cripples you like this, and talking to your doctor could unlock freedom for you! You're not alone. Many people are terrified of driving. My own grandma didn't get behind the wheel until she was in her 50's.
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