A
male
age
36-40,
*ay3532
writes:what are the rules of moving in togather? Does the man always have to tell the wife/gf where he is going,what hes doing, vice verser with the girl, does she tell her man where she is going if she steps out the door, visitin rules who can visit who cant? etc, fill me in folks, to all the lovely cupids now living with there spouses, and what about space? when to know to give eacother space? hit me Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): You should discuss with your gf how both of you want to handle these issues. there's no set 'rules' but for the sake of the relationship not turning sour, both people have to be on board with whatever 'rules' there are.
so you just need to talk with her about how you both should be behaving. Both of you should agree upon whether to always let each other know where you are, or if it's not always necessary. stuff like that.
for example ask yourself how you would feel if you came home and found a bunch of strangers (her friends or coworkers) in your living room. Would you feel miffed? If so, then state to her that you would like to be informed ahead of time if she will be bringing visitors, or state that you would like to have a say on whether she should bring visitors over at any one time. (like if you're not in the mood to have company she should surely respect that and she can just go hang out with her friends on her own). And then the same rules apply back to you obviously.
these are all issues of boundaries. It's good that you're thinking about these now proactively. Because a lot of relationships fall apart due to unclear boundaries that leaves one or both people confused and hurt and resentful when their partner behaves a certain way, or because one partner feels that the other should not be having boundaries and thus disrespects it.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 July 2012):
 Everyone has their own things that work for them. My mom and step-dad frequently don't know where the other is, while my dad and step-mom always do. With my boyfriend we always tell the other where we're going or if we'll be late coming home. It's common courtesy to any roommate, dating or not, to ask about visitors every time, especially if there's more than one. It's rude to just spring people on your roommates, especially in the case of a partner where they'll often be expected to interact, help entertain, and help clean.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 July 2012):
 I think it's an EXCELLENT topic! And one you really should sit your bf/gf down and talk about.
With my first BF we had a eraser-board in the kitchen where we put notes to each other when our schedules ran in a way that we didn't see each other (this was pre-cell phones) It worked pretty good for us.
Make sure you give your BF/GF a heads up if guests are coming. And I would make sure you two call each other if you re not going to make it home for dinner and you KNOW the other person is cooking.
We never had any rules as to anyone we couldn't visit or hang out with. I trusted him, he trusted me.
If I needed "space" I had a place I went to, and if I sensed he wanted space (which I honestly don't recall him needing) I might have gone for a walk/run.
Living together doesn't mean joined at the hip.
So, sit down, have a chat :)
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female
reader, Davinia  +, writes (3 July 2012):
Every relationship is different and unique, you have to sit down together and discuss each others expectations, wants, needs etc... There needs to be discussions about the chores aswell as whereabouts of each other, remember being in a couple is about communicating and working together with whatever is brought to you. Pick a time and chat things over.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 July 2012):
 Each couple has their own rules.
we always say where we are going and who we are with....
company is planned in advanced by both of us.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 July 2012):
 Don't worry! You will not lose your freedom. The only real rules are the ones that both of you agree on. Assumption is the relationship killer.
I've been married almost 14 years. We do tell each other where we go, but we don't constantly check in. That's more for peace of mind than control. I don't have to ask my husband if I want to go somewhere, and he doesn't ask me. We simply tell each other what we need to do, and if it interferes with each other's schedule, we work it out (that's very rare).
We simply keep in mind and trust that neither of us will do anything disloyal to our marriage. Other than that, for visiting rules, a simple "heads up" is all that's needed. We typically don't spring visitors on the other person without warning though, because that would be a bit awkward.
We've taken vacations together, and we travel apart as well sometimes. I have friends on both US coasts that sometimes I'll go see for a few days. When I'm there, I don't typically check in constantly with my husband every night. But, I'll call him while I'm there and tell him I love him.
We have separate interests as well as common ones. My husband adores sports to the point of having a few fantasy teams he puts some free time in. I have no problem with that at all...his man cave (our office) looks like Stat Central. heh.
We have a son, and he's always been good at support and time for him, and we split housework down the middle to get it done fast (every Saturday is cleaning/laundry day. I cook most of the time because I love doing it and he loves eating it, but the guy is amazing when it comes to grilling season)
For purchases, since our money is together (I know these rules don't apply a lot of times when there is no marriage and the money is separates like roommates), we give each other leeway and don't have to ask the other for every little thing. We each have a spending budget per month, no questions asked, and large purchases like a car, motorcycle, house, big screen TV, are agreed on by both of us.
I hope that answers your question. We don't have to ask permission from each other to live, but we do, out of love, tell the other where we're going. I think it would be different if one of us decided to go party all weekend every weekend. The household comes first. Truth is, we still *love* to date. We have a blast together when we go out to a football game or hit the blackjack tables (he prefers slots...and I can't change his mind!). Our son gets plenty of fun time too.
I think that's the key...that marriage/living together is not some shackle to feel trapped in. A big part of it is that there's no grabbiness or clinginess or insecurities to contend with.
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female
reader, chloe-anne  +, writes (3 July 2012):
i always find it polite that if your spouse is home with you to tell him/her where you are going. if he/she isnt home then i dont think you need to tell them. same goes for having guests over. it is just about mutual respect for one another. if all goes well it can be much like living with a roommate that you get to go to bed with at ngiht ;)
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