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female
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*hunchilla
writes: I have been seeing my boyfriend for 3 months. We met on the internet and hit it off straight away. We have loads in common and everything is fantastic. We both agree on this! But after 4 dates he told me I wasn't 'the one'. We carried on seeing each other and are having a great time. However 3 months down the line he has just told me he can't see us having a family together and he really wants this. He doesn't want us to break up though. He says he loves being with me and how everything is great between us and is not afraid of planning stuff together. He turns up and calls when he says he will etc. What do I do? Should I finish it or see where it goes?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2005): Drop him and run fast, fast, fast! Read the book "He;s just not that into you". It sounds like a typical case story from the book. You know and he knows that he is not really interested. Stop wasting your time and go and meet somebody nice!! There are millions out there. I think you have to ask yourself why you are wanting to stay with this guy who is clearly not bothered about you. If it's something you can fix about yourself (i did this all the time until i lost a few stone, as i was heavily overweight), then fix it.
Stop kicking your self esteem into tiny fragments by going out with this waste of space. Stop wasting valuable months of your life!!
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female
reader, Happygoddess +, writes (21 September 2005):
Do you need a brick to fall on your head girlfriend? How can he "not want you to break up" when you aren't even together? Basically, he's telling you he wants all the benefits of a rlationship without any of the responsibilities of one. Please move on from this dimwit and find yourself a real man!! Good luck :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2005): Well, I am in the same situation. I've been dating my guy for now 5 weeks and after 3 weeks I found out that he had still been chatting with other ladies on the net. He dumped me for a week because he felt he couldn't give me what I wanted (which was a stable relationship). After much msn on the phone he finely decided that he wanted to be with me but he claimed not to want marriage with me (1 yr ago he came out of a relationship and is now devorced.) Therefore he feels he doesn't want to settle down. So what do I do - continue on this path (since we have just begun or to end it) I love him like carzy and we have such a good time together. He says he loves me too. What to do.
Im going to stick it out, that's my advice as you never know what is around the corner, but stay alert and don't get too mushy. Keep an open mind! Don't drop all your friends. Continue your life so that if something bad does go happen you are prepared.
See you
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male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (21 September 2005):
 I tend to agree with Bev, I have shared houses with guys who treat their girls like this. They have a few that they keep on the "back-burner". Slow cook, you might say. They have them round, maybe make love to them -- but not too often. But they are ALWAYS hunting out for something better.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (21 September 2005):
 Call me an old cynic (because I am), but I see this situation differently from the other respondents.
The feeling I get from this is that he's telling you up front that there's no long-term future, and yet he's keeping you around as "a back up" until he meets someone that gives him a bigger thrill.
Yes, you could argue that this is the essence of dating, but I think it's all a bit mercenary when you know up front that he plans on dumping you as soon as he can find someone better. AND you know that he's looking for that someone while you're dating.
What happens to your feelings when he decides he's met a girl who *is* "the one" (not that I believe there is such a thing, but he might) and he drops you like a hot potato? You obviously like him and would like a longer-term future with him. Are you sure you're not setting yourself up for inevitable heartache when he throws you over for his Dream Girl, something he's already as good as told you he's going to do?
I think this guy sounds selfish and deluded and a little bit full of his own ego, and I hope that you'll give a little bit of deeper thought to how you're going to feel when he chooses someone else in the future. Don't allow yourself to be treated as a "spare" girlfriend. Look out for your own needs, and if that means taking a step back and just being friends, maybe you need to do that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2005): Best thing to do-is just tell him you both need to go separate ways but keep the possibility of being just friends. He's been honest and open with you and you know where you stand. Don't pressure him-if he is does not want a serious relationship, there is nothing you can do about it. Don't compromise yourself either, in other words don't try to be someone you are not in order to win him over. He obviously likes you but perhaps, just as a good friend. Accept this and I wish you the best. You sound like a lovely girl-go out and have fun with your friends and really enjoy what life has ro offer. Smile and remember-someday, you will find your own true love. You deserve it, dear.
Hugs, Irish
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female
reader, wishes +, writes (21 September 2005):
 It depends what you are looking for. If you are looking for "the one" to spend the rest of your life with- then you really might feel as though you are wasting your time. If you are looking to enjoy your time and are not yet ready to settle down but before you do want company and fun along the way, then stick with him. He has been completely honest with you- you should appreciate this! I wouldnt expect that he will change his mind as it looks as though he believes he will know "the one" immediately and he shouldnt be made to settle. I would hate for you to fall in love with him, when you know that there is no future. The decision is yours hun. There is no right or wrong answer, its about where you feel at this point in your life. Good luck, and stay true to yourself.
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male
reader, Spidersleader1 +, writes (21 September 2005):
If you really want my opinion I think you should drop him. From what you said he seems like a good guy, but he's just holding you back from bigger better things (or people). It seems to me that he just wants to keep you as his own, which could mean he's very jealous of you which may mean he does want to be with you and raise a family, but he has no idea if that's his real feelings. Just let him off slowly, and if he really does love you he'll come back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2005): well listen, your boyfriend and you have obviously sat down and talked about this but have you actually told eachother all that you feel,have you totally expressed yourself and has he, and if he cantsay he loves you then i think you should give it somemore time and see if love can grow but if after the next like few weeks he still sees you relationship going knowhere then call it off and get with someone new who wants a life with you
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female
reader, missdee +, writes (20 September 2005):
Sounds like you two have a great time together, however, he has made it clear (at least at this time) that he isn't interested in spending long term with you. If you continue with this either 2 things could happen. One he could change his mind, or he could drop you flat when he does find "the one" that he does want to "have a family with".
You shouldn't put heart into the possibility of him changing his mind. If you continue to go forward in this relationship, keep in mind what he said. After all you have been told. Otherwise you could be in for a real heartbreak.
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female
reader, cowlick28 +, writes (20 September 2005):
Three months is not the longest time in the world and there is still plenty of things that you will discover about each other. He may know that he's not in love with you, but i doubt if he's sure of whether you are "the one", how many people know that before the first anniversary and are right?
I'd say stick at it for the time being. He is obviously very committed to you for now and after spending some more time together, who knows?
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