A
female
age
41-50,
*reciousNY
writes:My dilema is that I am currently 38 1/2 weeks pregnant and I'm afraid that my husband will never look at me the same if he witnesses the birth of our first son. He says he does not want to see anything and will just stay up north during the delivery. He says he doesn't even want to see the baby before he's cleaned off. I went into early labor when I was 32 weeks pregnant and had to stay in the hospital for 8 days. I started bleeding alittle and he was alittle grossed out by it so how could he ever look at me the same way again? Even if he stays up north, he will not be able to avoid seeing some of the disturbing things that are going to happen. I would rather him not be in the room at all if he will always have that image in his head when we can be intimate again. Can anyone shed some light on this topic? Will my husband ever look at me the same way again? Should he not be in the delivery room with me? Thank you all for your help and support! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Lee Adama  +, writes (17 December 2009):
 I've gotta say I do sympathise with your husband. I've spoken to quite a few of my friends about this issue, as my wife is beginning to get ideas about babies, & a number of them have had serious intimacy issues after childbirth. From what I gather they just cant see their wife as a sexual being after witnessing what they did. If he feels strongly about this I'd recommend keeping him at the head-end & avoid potential problems later on.
A
female
reader, jvargo817 +, writes (6 December 2009):
I just had a baby and my husband said the same and he was there holding up my leg and he looked and he isn't regreting it and he is fine!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 December 2009):
 Precious,
I know you already have enough answers but, when I saw your headline the muse struck. This is a first for you, so naturally you are frightened of the unknown. He is frightened too. But to answer your headline, instead of the whole post:
I would hope that your husband never looks at you the same after witnessing childbirth. He should come out of the experience with a new respect for your strength. For the lengths you are willing to go in sacrifice for the welfare of others. He should be in awe of the miracle that is childbirth. I know that birthing was the 4 most bond strengthening experiences in our marriage. You get what I am saying?
I haven't been in the delivery room for over a decade, but based on my experience the staff will have no problems with your requests. I have 2 things to add. A co worker of mine is squeamish about blood. He will faint if there is a lot. He did faint in the delivery room. The doctors and nurses are pros they have seen it before and know how to handle it. He is not embarrassed or traumatized by it. The second point: I was talking with a new mom to be the other day and it seems that hospitals are getting more and more open about who is allowed in the room. You would think she was organizing a cocktail party. Trying to make sure that there were no conflicts between the guests. That is just wrong. You have enough to worry about.
Anyway (I know I'm rambling), viewing childbirth has never lowered the sexual feelings I have for my wife. Also I am told that it is very important for him to hold the baby as soon as possible. The nurses won't hand over jr. until they have measured him and wrapped him up anyway. That way your husband will bond/imprint with your child.
Best wishes for a healthy delivery,
FA
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A
female
reader, 2boysmom +, writes (3 December 2009):
I would be very upset if my husband behaves that way.
I think he would be very mad if I don't let him be the first to see/hold the baby. Which was fine with me as I was completely out of it that day.
As for seeing me as a sexual being before or after, I don't think it was ever an issue with him. We had sex nearly up to delivery date (uncomfortable but there are ways). About five weeks after delivery, I told him let's try and he was acting like he was walking on eggshells that I had to tell him quit futzing around and had to reassure him that I wasn't in pain or a china doll ready to break.
He got the message quickly and got with the program, which he didn't complain in the least.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): been there and done that 7 times. he will be fine. he can even sit with his back to the action and only see your face. and by the time he's waited the 6 weeks after he will be thinking of you as a woman, trust me. . hehe ( we never made it 6 weeks but that is what the doctor ordered)
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 December 2009):
 He is fearing the unknown, I'm sure he'll do fine. There's always a nurse who keeps a close eye on the Dads.
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A
female
reader, PreciousNY +, writes (2 December 2009):
PreciousNY is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all. Problem is he says he wants to be in the room, but doesn't want to see anything. He said he wants to be beside me by my head but no matter where he is standing, he is going to witness some un pretty things and that's what I worry about. He is not a mean person at all so he would never tell me how disgusted he is or that he doesn't want to be there. I can't have sympathy if he has a "weak" stomach. He doesn't have to go through anything, I do. If he can watch gory horror films, why would the birth of his child turn his stomach. I'm hoping he does get caught up in the moment and change his attitude about not wanting to see anything and the last thing I would want is for him to pass out. He doesn't even want to see the baby when he first comes out, he wants them to clean him first. That is just terrible and impossible. He'll never tell me if he looks at me different after that and I certainly don't want to be intimate and know that he is probably having convulsions touching me because of this. To answer LazyGuy's question, NO I am not one of those women who say my titties are for the baby only.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (2 December 2009):
 It has been know to happen to a few men that the process from going to woman to mother, has a bad effect on them being able to then see her as woman (in a sexual way) afterwards.
But this has also to do with the attitude shown by the woman herself, is it suddenly "hands off the titties, they are for the baby"?
It is pretty normal for the husband (less so for the father) to be present at the birth and the fast majority deal with it fine. How is he with other "disgusting" elements of nature. Periods etc? If he can't even handle that then perhaps it is better if he is not there. You are most likely not going to be in the mood to deal with a cry baby of a husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): Hi some people do have a weak stomach and it sounds as if your husband is one of those people. Its not really his fault and atleast hes being honest with you! It will be a busy and exciting time for you, so you wont want to be worrying about him passing ect. My advice would be to talk frankly to him about your concerns and see how things go on the day. He may be so caught up in the moment that he forgets his sensitive tum and will be glad he was there. See how things go but try not to let his weakness spoil such an exciting time. I have to say my husband wasnt very keen on being there for the birth of our first child. He was very upset about seeing me in some pain and discomfort and didnt enjoy watching the birth at all! Id insisted he be there because it was what dads were `supposed` to do. But i have to be honest and say it did affect our intimacy for quite a while afterwards and i wished id not insisted on him being in the room. Each to his or her own. If he wants to be there and you want him there thats brilliant but if he really cant face watching the birth dont let it spoil things. Im sure after a few nappy changes his stomach will toughen up!
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A
female
reader, tjazzy  +, writes (2 December 2009):
It seems you would not be comfortable having him in there. So it's a mutual feeling. You could instruct the nurses to keep him out.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 December 2009):
I've only seen my husband of 33 years cry 5 times, two were at the deaths of his parents, and three were when our three kids were born. I'm of course assuming those tears were from joy and not from disgust or loathing at what he was witnessing and I truly think he wouldn't have miss that for the world.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (2 December 2009):
 I have to confess, I looked south just as our first daughter was crowning and it was a very 'yuck' moment. And I started out waaay less squeamish than your husband sounds. Did it have any long-term consequences? Certainly not. Believe me, by the time my wife had recovered from the episiotomy etc. after several weeks, I didn't care about anything I'd seen.
There are very few things more difficult for a woman to go through than childbirth, and lots of the process isn't "pretty." The last thing you need to be worrying about is an idiot husband who might be grossed out. He should do what my father did -- hang out in the bar with his friends, rather than stressing you out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): If he doesn't want to be there and you don't want him to see you then you both agree so in a way the problem is solved. What matters is not what the right thing to do is, but what you both find acceptable. Years ago, men never went into the delivery room at all.
Could your mother or another close relative be there with you? That would be good support for you and nice for them to see the baby when first born.
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