A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts and Uncles. I am in the process of leaving a 3 year relationship,it been tough,and volitile,but I.m finding it a bit difficult to let go of the last bit. It.s literally on it.s last legs. My question is this. The last few times I had sex with him, I literally could not feel anything. He was trying to please me,and doing all the right things.but I could not feel anything physically,or feel any emotional connection. He actually asked me If I could feel anything. Does this mean that sex is all about how you feel for that person? I.ve had good sex with no real feelings with men before him. I don.t get it. We used to have really good sex,and now,even though he.s doing the right thing.nothing is happening for me. I.m just going through the motions. I even feel sick when I think of ever having sex with him again. How can something go from amazing to this? Is it me? My sex drive? I guess I just don.t love him anymore.My body has shut down to it,and the fact he asked,meant he could sense it,and that must hurt him. It.s run it.s course with him. I just wanted some views on sex,and feelings etc. Thank you all. X
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female
reader, csylv19 +, writes (15 September 2014):
Yo both deserve happiness and fulfilment so it sounds like your better apart
A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (15 December 2013):
 It's a very interesting question actually.
I think it IS physical, but in so much as when you're preoccupied/ concerned etc, you will feel the tension in your muscles. Very often you can 'appear' relaxed, such as when trying to pretend everything's okay, or relatively soon after something stressful or bad has happened- but you'd still 'feel' the tension locked up in your muscles if someone massaged your shoulders.
There's no reason you'd necessarily feel the same tension/ reluctance to being intimate if you had sex for shear enjoyment; in a short fling or even a one-off. But there must be so many thoughts and feelings swirling around in your head about things between you and your partner right now, that it's no wonder that you'd struggle to grasp the carefree nature of a roll in the hay.
Ultimately, I think that our bodies are very in tune with our emotions; even if we try to overlook those feelings that we'd rather not be experiencing, we can't hide everything by pulling the wool over our own eyes. It's all in there somewhere, even if sometimes it's very deeply hidden.
Best wishes to you- it sounds like you've a good soul informing your instincts, which makes me think that you'll find a path that will make you happier very soon.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (14 December 2013):
 I think in my experience, like you, I've had sexual encounters with no emotional connections that were amazing. But that's what we expected and knew was going to happen walking into it. It was purely physical and hot.
With a relationship that's gone sour, that's completely different. There used to be emotions and sex used to be based off of this emotional connection. When the relationship dies, we seem to develop this emptiness and apathetic feelings towards the person. And no matter how much you may want it to come back, it's usually just gone. Which would explain why the sex felt so empty. You are not there and have checked out.
If there's any part of you who wants to still possibly make it work, you should spend time apart. Take a break. That's usually the best way to get a spark back.
On the other hand, if you're just over it and want to move on, then just end the relationship and let it go.
But how you're doing sexually makes a lot of sense. You're just not invested anymore. Therefore the sex feels hollow.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 December 2013):
 So.... what you're "saying" is that you have made a mental separation from this guy... and it shows up if/when you and he try to be intimate.....
There's no "gray area" here..... Your (and his) relationship is "over".... so go on with your life - him, with his - and don't bother looking back....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 December 2013):
 If you had a 3 year relationship with any of those one night stands, it would die faster without the emotional connection to begin with. In a long term relationship, after the novelty wears off, you rely on your connection for love making. You don't feel that urge to rip each others clothes off. Sex is just a consummation of your love, a routine maintenance. When you don't want to continue the relationship, the purpose of having sex is lost. Another man though, could reawaken that sex drive so there is no need to worry about being an old maid yet.
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A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (14 December 2013):
If you don't feel like sex then you're not going to enjoy it or look forward to it.It appears the relationship has run it's course.What if you had been married?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2013): For some people, yes there must be both a physical and emotional connection. I can say personally, I can rarely feel one without the other. They are sort of a combination of feelings I have for a person.There are some people who can maintain a physical relationship long after they stop caring for each other.They have a purely sexual attraction to each other; and often become friends with benefits. They enjoy each other only as long as the sex is hot. They don't need any further contact, once they've had their fill of each other sexually.In this case, sex is their only connection.There are people who have a strong bond between them. The sex ceases, or becomes very infrequent. They have simply changed the dynamic of their relationship. Yet they may remain faithful to each other. This often comes as people age. It's not so likely to happen with young healthy people. In a healthy young relationship like yours, it is a definite sign you are losing your feelings to your mate. Normally, we need a healthy balance of love. The emotional provides the warming and bonding aspect; and through sexual expression, we demonstrate the depth and extent of our connection through intimacy. Touch reinforces our feelings. It opens up all our sense and reflexes. Dopamine flows as reward from the brain to all the receptors.Often in women, sexual attraction fades once they lose emotional feelings. Men can continue to be sexual; evenif we don't like you at all. You have been objectified to nothing more than a vessel for having sex. Your feelings are no longer required. An anonymous one-night stand is a perfect example of people just using each other for no other purpose, but to get off sexually. No one cares if you never meet again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 December 2013):
 I think it could partly be because you have already checked out of the relationship. You actually rather NOT have sex with him.
I think when you feel DONE with the relationship (and him) having great sex can be a lot harder. Because mentally YOU don't want to be there.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 December 2013):
 It's not all about feelings, then again ,alas, human sexuality is not a mechanical engine, you push here, press there, switch on this and off that, and the machine does its job , punctually like clockwork. . ( I say " alas " because life would be simpler that way ).
Sure you can have good sex without enotional connection , but maybe they were men you were not emotionally involved with to begin with ? And you could have your release without any special expectations ? With this one you were emotionally involvedbut now that that emotional energy is kost you can see the difference, now you feel something is missing, the " magic " is gone, and... without that hard to define " magic " that makes that particular body different from any other, at the end of the day sex per se is as entertaining as watching paint dry.
Btw, this is not a typical " female " , sentimental view of things. I have heard lots of men complaining about the same. The only difference is that for men, lucky them, is generally much simpler and faster to reach orgasm , so- it's like eating pizza , even if it's bad pizza, it's never REALLY really bad. But, not necessarily the satisfying physical sensation of ejaculation will register as equally satisfying in the brain .Or in the heart, or ... anyway, somewhere else that just " there ", and that's basically what makes people bored even of technically sexy partners.
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