A
female
age
36-40,
*omantic at heart
writes:I was seeing a guy for a good two months and we were fab together. Always laughing, had loadz fun together, both felt the same, couldnt get enough of each other. I started to get really strong feelings for him to which he reciprocated by telling me all the time that he really liked me and was falling head over heels for me. As my feelings got stronger I got slightly clingy and insecure like girls do when I didn't hear from him all day as it was totally out of character for him to not txt or call. He would just tell me that I was just being silly and that he was just getting more comfortable in the relationship so felt he didnt need to txt constantly. After sending him a few "what have I done" txts over the weeks he began to get annoyed and the last time I did it he told me that he was considering wether the relationship would work long term. The following day he still hadnt made up his mind as to wether he wanted to continue seeing me or finish it all together. I responded by telling him to not string me along and after many many txts pushing for a decision from him he told me that if I was pushing then he was ultimately ending it. Hours went by where I realised I shouldn't have pushed him to make a decision so I begged and pleaded for him to reconsider and give me another chance to prove we were right together. He proceeded to tell me he still had feelings for me but wanted us to remain friends. Over the last week since he ended it he has been txting me til 1 in the morning, constantly tweeting me, flirting etc do I take that as a sign that hes being stubborn and does want to give me a second chance but on his terms or is he just being a "friend"??
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2014): I want to address the matter regarding your biopsy first. I hope things go well. I hate to wrongfully presume that people have close and loving relationships with their parents. These days they don't for the most part, it seems.
In the event that you do, this is a good time to be around your mother. You really need the comfort and nurturing. You're yielding to your ex for the lack of it. You're rightfully and understandably needy; because you've been through a lot. So you're using him as a pain-killer. He has adverse side-effects. So it's time that you stop usage.
In your case you've got to employ some good old-fashioned willpower. Nothing much any of us will say can make you let go; in time our advice will sink in. Right now, you're looking for empathy. That isn't going to do you any good.
We're complete strangers linked by nothing but screens.
You need to spend some time with your mother/parents and be a child. You have to purge yourself of some of the weight you're carrying; so you will not be so vulnerable to that narcissistic ex-boyfriend you have. He gets his kicks off of your suffering. You're only too willing to give him the narcissistic supply he needs. You really don't progress; because you don't listen to advice; you use the site to vent and soak up sympathy.
I hope that you will delete his number, block him from social media, and pretend he isn't there when in class.
Keep your eyes forward, and put your heart on lock-down. You are under repair, and healing is in progress.
He is not your painkiller, he is the virus that is infecting your system; and rendering you helpless and completely damaged. You're wasting your time and education. All too enthralled in drama, behind a crappy relationship. You don't exercise judgement, or utilize any of your strength. Not even for your own survival. You just dismiss a bad move with some self-deprecating comment. Please don't put yourself down like that. You're lowering your self-esteem by degrading yourself. Matters of the heart are very confusing and disorienting. You feel lost.
Sit down and write yourself a letter. Tell yourself what you're doing wrong, not us. Then tell yourself what you should be doing to fix it. Put that letter on the bathroom mirror and remind yourself everyday you are going to rid yourself of the source of your pain and suffering. HIM!!!
Stop messing around with that asshole. Stop just venting your frustrations, and be a stronger woman and make some changes. Resist all temptation, and develop an immune system for your ex. Stop asking for help, then flushing it down the loo.
Stop playing the sad puppy and be a lioness for a change.
You've got to face a lot of things, and you really need to get your strength up. You've got to fight. That takes everything within you. Not hosting your own pity-parties.
Keep us posted regarding your biopsy. We want to continue to offer you support and comfort when we can. It's important that you tap into your own power. You need it more than ever. You'll re-energize if you take my advice and get some family-support. Go get a good long hug from your mother. It will take loads off your shoulders.
Best of luck, my dear!
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female
reader, romantic at heart +, writes (29 January 2014):
romantic at heart is verified as being by the original poster of the question Ok. So I havent updated for a while. I feel like ive been living a nightmare since I last posted. Here it goes in a nutshell... I found a lump which I needed a biopsy on and I'm currently waiting for a second biopsy on and to just add to the stress I found out I was pregnant with the guy who dumped me in my last few posts. Yees, I know some of you may have strong oppinions on terminations but due to the fact that he was still playing games with my feelings, showing me affection one minute but then ignoring me the next I felt it was not the right time to bring that baby into the world. I told him of the situation and he agreed it wasnt the right time but seemed to warm to me again like he did when we were together. He'd call me out of the blue, txt me all the time, he'd say little comments like "we get each other... Its refreshing" like he was reconsidering his decision to finish with me. I guess this is where I must have got things totally wrong and got heartbroken again!!! He goes to the say uni as me so we see each other four days a week and we've been getting pretty close in lectures and on breaks. Monday we spent our break chatting to each other and some how the conversation got onto sex and dumb ass me played straight into his arms. I think because I'm still harboring all the feelings for him anything he says I will go along with as its attention from him. Anyway he asked if he could come over that night after uni and stay the night and to me "stay the night" is a breakthrough as hes not just suggesting sex and then to leave. Silly I know!!! I agreed to it but the realised he couldn't stay anyway as I had to leave the house early the next day, so basically I agreed for him to come over and then leave once he'd had his wicked way :( it happened... He came over... He got what he came for... He stayed for about 15 minutes afterwards and then began to get dressed to leave. Now this is where things get really hurtful for me! At the door he went to kiss me goodbye, so naturally I kissed back and then he put his thumb on my forehead and pushed my head away... I really dont understand why he would be so degrading when he leaned in for a kiss first... If he didnt want to kiss me then why bother leaning in??? When he got home he txt me to say that his legs were wobbly in a good way and that he'd fall asleep extremely happy but even though he'd said all this I couldn't get my mind of the push away. The next day I heard nothing from him all morning, had uni at 1 to which he hardly spoke to me... Dont get me wrong he didnt ignore me and we couldn't sit together as there was no room but before the lecture he didnt say much. After the lecture I bolted out before he could see me as I was upset and didnt want him noticing but I had no txt/call to ask where id gone so quick or not even general chit chat.... I had no contact whatsoever!!! I know txting is a two way street and I didnt contact him that day either but do men think like that?? Is he thinking "well I txt u when I got home,after we'd spent the night together so u can contact me first now" is he feeling the same as me?? Does he think because I bolted without saying goodbye that im being nasty?? Or after all ive been through and still going through is he still an absolute jerk who has used and abused me and doesn't care how I feel?? Trouble is I'm on a downward spiral, im trying to deal with the fact that this second biopsy could reveal bad news, im also coming to terms with my termination and this has just added to the mix. I know im an adult and I make my own choices in life but I guess I was whisked off my feet by someone who ive got a hell of a lot of feelings for... No excuses but thats whats happened. The only way at the moment I can get around this hurt is leaving uni so I dont have to see him but its ny career thats going to suffer because of him... Im stuck!!!! Help!!!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 December 2013):
 You can’t “hurry” moving on.. but you can help it along. First of all block his number so you don’t know you are getting booty calls. Secondly make sure you have him blocked on email and social media as well, no need to have him thrown in your face.
As for when you will stop thinking about him, that will come in time…one morning you will wake up and he will not be the first thing you think of… and eventually you will realize you got to bed time and didn’t’ think about him all day. IT takes time.
Just be out and be social and busy with your friends… and don’t beat yourself up over it.
WHY would you even think that you want to tell him how you feel? What it makes you look like does not matter. DO NOT contact him. Telling him how you feel just gives him more power to try to get you into bed with his lies.
If you tell him you care, you look a fool, you look desperate, you look needy. DO NOT do it.
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female
reader, romantic at heart +, writes (23 December 2013):
romantic at heart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so I guess I need to hurry up and move on. I had another booty call offer Saturday night and not heard alot from him since then. I know I should just pick myself up and dust myself down but I just can't seem to get this guy out of my head. I think about him when I wake, when I go to bed and numerous tines through the day. I know that I shouldn't let it upset me but it does. Anyone got any tips to help me get over him? And then again im probably kidding myself here but as its christmas and a time to tell loved ones how much you care, would it make him run for the hills if I told him how much I missed him? Or would this just make me look even more clingy and needy. Im guessing your all going to tell me I need to pull myself together and move on but its soooo hard :(
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 December 2013):
NOPE he's done... move on.
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female
reader, romantic at heart +, writes (20 December 2013):
romantic at heart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou again for all your responses.I may have got my definative answer today,i have a uni night out which he has been invited to as we go to the same uni and you'd think that if he still liked me he'd be well up for coming along and seeing me or even if he was just playing me maybe come along and get his leg over. Well he refuses to come even when loadz of us uni lot have asked him to come and he has said that hes got a works party instead. I even told him the other night that because he lives half an hour away from where we're going out he could stay at mine and I wouldnt make a move as we're just friends. I just gave him the option to crash at mine and by the seems of this ive had a down right brush off :( is this what it seems like to you?? Is he telling me from not coming tonight and not taking my offer of staying over that he doesnt want to know and definately doesnt want me back?? Or is this playing hard to get?? Gutted is an understatement right now!!!
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male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (18 December 2013):
 Your true colours dont so much come out as your inhibitions are removed which I suppose amounts to the same thing in a way. Im going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt like So Very Confused has, not least because she is right and your overthinking this and....your weaving your own prejudices and insecurities into what your saying which is in turn colouring the perception of other ops.
You were right not to do the drunken booty call but have a heart - he was clumsy, a bit horny and a bit drunk, but he does seem to really like you and regardless of that he will take what you said as outright rejection so id go along with So Very's advice and let him know you still like else him else you maybe kissing this one goodbye.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 December 2013):
Personally I think he really liked you. He may still really like you but your over the top insecure behavior has pushed him away.
Stop overthinking this guy... you were wise not to be a booty call.
his not texting the day after a drunken wedding means he's hung over.
if you don't hear from him I think you may still have a shot but you have to play it cool if that's what you want... the problem is you are not cool you're a hot mess because you like this guy... think about how you act with a guy that likes you but you don't like...that's what you need with this guy.
just go about your life. live well... if you want to call him and wish him a "Merry Christmas just after the holiday that would be lovely... then don't call again.... the wish would give him the incentive he needs to contact you since the last contact was you turning him down.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 December 2013):
 Your follow up just reinforces my original answer.
He didn't call you when he was sober to invite you out on a proper date. Instead he called you the way he'd order take out.
He was bored and horny at the wedding which is why he called you. If he'd been having the time of his life you wouldn't have heard from him.
A man who really wanted to impress you would be very, very careful about not giving you reason to question him. This guy keeps you guessing.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 December 2013):
 romantic: Your re-submittal is oh-so telling.... and makes me want to repeat to you, again and again,... in CAPITAL LETTERS.... THAT THIS GUY "SEES" YOU AS NOTHING MORE THAN A CONVENIENT SEX PARTNER....
Do NOT fool yourself with the likes of this: "...if he didnt still think about me surely he wouldn't bother contacting me at such an important occasion??"
What you REALLY learned is that - when he drinks, and "let's down his guard" - he is even bolder in his attempts to get YOU to compromise your principles (read: "He thinks you will put out, after all...").
Please see this cad for "what he is"... and focus your attention and energies on a much nicer prospect for a boyfriend.....
Good luck....
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female
reader, romantic at heart +, writes (16 December 2013):
romantic at heart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone, thankyou for all your advice, I really appreciate it.
I have an update to my situation. Saturday night I was getting alot of txts and tweets from him, I decided to leave a gap between responses to make myself seem less available. I found out he was at a wedding to which he was part of bridal party, if he didnt still think about me surely he wouldn't bother contacting me at such an important occasion?? Or am I just looking for any sign of feeling from him when there isnt any?? He was extremely drunk but people always say your true colours come out when you've had a drink. He went about his usual flirting and saying how beautiful I was and then sent me a "can you be at my house in half an hour, I want to see you" I knew straight away this was an invite for sex so I held my ground even though I did want to see him. I told him that id had a drink also and that my friend was over and I didnt want to leave her on her own. I think then he started to het slightly insecure as id turned him down and said that if I was saying no because I didnt like him anymore then that was cool. I responded saying it wasn't like that, I just had no way of getting there and didnt want to ditch my friend. Eventually we said good night to each other and he told me he'd txt me the following day.
This is where I start to feel slightly used and that maybe he doesn't want me back. He didn't txt at all yesterday, the only contact I had was him favouriting my tweets. I did notice that he had tweeted he was extremely hungover but surely if he wanted me back and hadnt regretted what he had said to me that night he would have contacted me. Or is he embarrassed that he showed me a little insight into how he feels and is now back to playing games and keeping me in my place? Im so confused!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): mmm... yeah try to control those emotions or you will become desperate. Trust me, you do not want to end up doing a desperate act because he'll drop you like a hot potato. This happened to me in the past. Once, I showed up to a guy's house after hours, drunk and wanting sex. The fact that I became so desperate, he became turned off and just wanted to be friends after the whole enchilada. I simply decided to vanish completely out of his life because it was just all so humiliating!! Also, be careful about the "just friends" thingy. Maybe he doesn't want a relationship and he's looking for some fun down south. If you like him, like him-stay away, if you want to have fun, then go for it. Tease him, get a life, and take long to reply to his texts.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (14 December 2013):
You may not have handled it well but it could be that your instincts about this guy were spot on. I think he's been grooming you from the beginning.
His withdrawal seems sudden and oddly timed for a legitimate suitor. Right at the moment he was beginning to 'fall head over heels' for you and well within the infatuation period. I think he deliberately set out to trigger your insecurity and when it worked the trap was sprung.
If he were really giving this another chance he'd have declared it openly and established boundaries. Instead he says one thing but does another to keep you on your toes. Your begging and pleading confirmed to him that you were desperate enough to do just about anything to please him and that is what you'll be expected to do. Just about anything.
And when you want something you'll be reluctant to speak up for fear of being needy again. If you do speak up, he'll say you're clingy, threaten to abandon you and you'll be begging and proving yourself all over again. And that's exactly how he wants it.
Even if I'm wrong, this 'relationship' fleeting as it was, carries a lot of baggage. I suggest you take whatever valuable insights you've learned from this experience and apply them to a fresh new relationship that doesn't have baggage and uncertainty.
In future, pace yourself. No one should be able to reach you at 1am for chit chat. Keep the flirting to a minimum and insist on dates in public places (no more than 4 hours long). And when someone appears to want space, give it to them without waiting to be asked.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 December 2013):
Here's the key phrase in your submittal: "....I begged and pleaded for him to reconsider and give me another chance...."
The moment you did that..... your were DUMPED. No man wants a girl who is so desperate that she will do that. We believe that girls who will "beg and plead" have no self-confidence.... and will be a "handful" for the duration of whatever "relationship" we will consent to.
I suggest that you DON'T do the same thing with your next boyfriend... now that you know that it doesn't work...
Good luck...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2013): The only thing he did wrong was not call the police on your ass He wants to be friends and flirt so he can have fun with you, but since you begged, he's the one in charge and the one who gets to call all the shots Keep that in mind, stay in your place, and MAYBE things will work out.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 December 2013):
 Sorry about the typos.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 December 2013):
I think you possibly still have a tiny chance, seeing as how he's still in contact. But you must NOT push it. Relax and just go with the flow and see what happens. don't get your hopes up.
What you did was classic clingy-ness, and it's very unattractive. It's a big put off. I date women, myself, and if she starts with that whole, "what have I done?" stuff, I instantly get unattracted. You don't have to talk at all times. Having confidence in yourself and being independent are extremely sexy traits. When you start hounding someone for simply not texting you all day, it makes you look very needy and dependent. Not many people are attracted to that quality. And especially when he was taking time out to decide if you were too needy, and you acted even needier by pushing him.
Try to learn from this mistake. Especially if you get a second chance. Calm down and live you own life. It's extremely sexy to be worth a woman who is confidential and secure.
Just continue to back off and let him come to you if he chooses to.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2013): Get out there and patty with your friends, make him realise that hey ' your friends' but if he doesn't make a move well your not sitting on the shelf waiting .No guy and I mean no guy is worth spilled tears ( and I love my hubby dearly with all his flaws ) Make sure your texted back are fun filled with silly lil things that are humorous .. Be warm but not overboard .. I mean he has to chase you .. You did become far to clingy and that does out any person of whether male or female .. However being comfortable doesn't follow rudeness .. I mean if he was in habit of sending a say 6 texts a day and he dropped down to 3 then that would be acceptable but none .. Oo my gawd I woulda be telling him to fly his freakin kite somewhere else.. That just plain game playing !!If I were you I would consider if this is the kinda guy I really wanted to be with ??Keep being friends honey, but get out and see out her guys .. Flirt with them a lil don't put all your apples into someone basket lol lol Take care x
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reader, YouWish +, writes (14 December 2013):
 You're being very clingy! He was feeling claustrophobic, and when he backed off a little, you started bombarding him with texts saying "what did I do" and constantly after him. You responded by doing the exact opposite of what you should have done, which is ease off yourself, not be so available, and concentrate on the other aspects of your life.
If you smother a flame, it goes out. However, he still has feelings for you so you can salvage it. Do the second chance and then ease off GREATLY on the texting. Seriously, play a game with yourself called "how long can I go without initiating texts?" If he texts you, answer back warmly.
When you're together, bow out early, leaving him wanting more. In a phone conversation, do NOT let the conversation ever lapse into that awkward "we have nothing left to talk about" silence. Know how to make an exit. Believe me, he'll go from "BACK OFF" to going full-on pursuit mode on YOU!
Think about the psychology here - he pulls back a little, and you're clinging like velcro! It worked on you. Now, turn the tables. As the relationship gets better and you get more comfortable and less insecure, a more natural ebb and flow will be there. It's like a dance - more intense times, more distant times. It's okay!
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reader, devont +, writes (14 December 2013):
 I think he does like you and he wants to keep you sweet so if he changes his mind he can come back to you and/or sleep with you when he wants. I don't think he's being stubborn at all. I think he is keeping his options open so that if someone else comes along he's not tied to you, and if they don't he can come back to you... He knows you like him a lot, so he can text you every now and again to get an ego boost, if nothing else. Also, I think he should have been straight forward with you and I don't think it was wrong to insist on an answer from him on whether or not he wanted to be with you.Chalk this one up to experience and try not to be so clingy next time, although I know that's easier said than done.All the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2013): You got clingy and pushy. You go overboard with text messaging and making demands for attention. He reigned you in to get a hold of things, before you rushed your feelings.You got too eager, as too many people do early on in the introductory stage of a prospective relationship. When I use the world "prospective" that means "likely to become." It is very easy for some people to jump in feet-first. It is wiser to take it slowly. Whether you like it or not, he does have a right to weigh his pros and cons. That doesn't make him non-decisive; nor is it an indication he is dragging his feet. He put you in friend-zone; because you were coming on too strong. Yes, men do have that right! Like it or not.Deciding to commit is a very important responsibility. You are taking a chance with your heart. There are two hearts involved, not just one. Coming to terms with your feelings inside your own head is another thing. Past experience teaches us to use caution and logic. Not just to follow the heart wherever it takes us.You tried to rush things. Now he's starting from scratch.Slow it down. He's not being stubborn, you're coming on desperate, and you're way too eager.Get to know each other better, and see how things turn out.
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reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (14 December 2013):
I think this one is pretty straight down the line. He got scared off and has feelings for you but has decided to play it safe and go for the 'just friends' approach. The thing is your vulnerability probably made him feel vulnerable. I think you are in with a shout of a second chance but the sure fire way you blow that is to push too hard (the thing that scared him off in the first place) so this is a case of going with the flow I think.
If he is flirting with you then there is obviously still an attraction there so just hold tight - try not to get your hopes up and try not to push too hard but develop and grow the friendship and you might well find your on the road to something more.
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