A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure what to do anymore. I hate having sex with her, and the thought of it now sadly, turns me off anymore. Whenever I try to get her in the mood, I am always shot down. And I mean always. So I stop wanting it, and then my fiance complains that she "feels she is not desired," and cries about how she can't have a sexless marriage. In addition, I am so sick of my fiance "teasing me and playing me," getting me in the mood, and either falling asleep, or stop in the heat of the middle and cry about how I can't satisfy her. Because of these things, I honestly hate having sex with her, or even want it. We've "talked" about this multiple times before, and its the same scenario...things improve for a week, and then its back to the same thing. I feel sad to say that I get more pleasure out of masturbating to pornography then my fiance, I'm just going to give up. Any suggestions?
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male
reader, Deathbunny +, writes (9 February 2012):
Dude, the porn--unless that's the only thing you DESIRE--isn't the problem. The problem is a mismatch between your sexual desire(s)/timing and her sexual desire(s)/timing.Like others have said, try communicating and/or counseling (which is generally "assisted" communicating) first. If she's unwilling or unable to communicate, it's time to start establishing separate living arrangements (if necessary) and moving out.Be a gentleman about it, but this sort of sexual mismatch ends up with a lot of trauma/misery/cheating/divorce/etc. later unless you are both religious zealots and love that sort of misery.If communicating is working, you both need to identify what you want/need and both agree on trying to meet each other's wants/needs. If this isn't something you're willing or able to do, then--again--it's time to start establishing separate living arrangements.In many cases, with women and sex, there's ONE BIG THING that's on their mind that won't let them relax and be sexual. If you can find out what that is--communicating directly makes it easier--you can resolve it. Then there will either be another ONE BIG THING that's revealed (and you can work through) or she'll be back into sexual interest. Otherwise, she'll be dodging your sexual advances and teasing you because that's what she feels is being done to her, and you'll go round-and-round for a really long time.If it's unresolveable--"I'm only sexually attracted to men with *some trait you don't possess*..."--it's time to be a gentleman and leave.And--once again--the only issue with porn is the women (assuming it's straight porn) are almost always willing and interested in porn. Real women often don't like that expectation and many men key into that and try to blame porn too. Fix the relationship (or end it) and the porn's seriously not a problem anymore.Good luck
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 February 2012):
 sounds like you guys are not compatible sexually and unless you both go to counseling and make a committed effort to fix it, this will never work
I suggest counseling with a qualified couples counselor for both communication issues and sexual issues.
baring that I suggest ending the relationship.
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A
male
reader, zedd +, writes (9 February 2012):
Dunno. For me, sex is a fundamental part of a relationship. I have just broken up with my gf and sometimes I just want to call her and get back together - but there's one thing that really stops me to do so and that's remembering how disappointing our sex life was. I don't want to say you should break up but think about it this way: the sex you have now is probably the most you'll ever have because in a marriage you'll get less sex over the years. That's when you need to spice things up and stuff. If a young couple have the sex life of a couple in their 60s, what do you expect for the years to come?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 February 2012):
 Don't marry her.
If I were you I think that after a year of this and without any improvement I'd walk out of the relationship. Imagine a lifetime in marriage with this? And they say things get worse once you are married.
If after talking about this problem multiple times, and nothing has changed, then you've done what you can do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 February 2012):
 I agree with Uncle Kyle 007! Stop with the porn.
Talk to her about what SHE likes as far as sex. Look into stuff such as maybe tantric sex.
Don't marry her til it is resolved.
Usually when a couple are having trouble in the bed room the root is something ENTIRELY different then sex. You two need to work that out.
the sex life won't improve unless you BOTH make an effort to fix it.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (9 February 2012):
Talk to her and tell her exactly what you told us, but don't accuse too much. When there's a problem between two people, most of the time both are to blame to some degree.
Like others said, get rid of the porn. Then ask her to tell you what she likes and how to please her instead of shooting you down and complaining. You're not a mind reader, there's no way you can know what her desires are.
Now in order for this to work, you both have to give it a shot. There is a reason you're engaged to her, try to remember that reason. If things don't improve break it off before marriage permanently binds you to this woman. Contrary to popular belief, marriage doesn't solve existing problems, it only magnifies them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): I agree to eliminating the porn completely and then talk about what you both like with each other. Have you ever liked sex with her- and has she felt the same?
Communication is the key here.She has told you you're not doing something she needs to get turned on enough to be satisfied. Do you give her oral sex/orgasms and enough stimulation to get excited enough for intercourse? The majority of women don't ever orgasm from intercourse or even enjoy it that much unless they are really excited before hand. You can also go to a sex therapist for help. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): your fiance sounds just like my hb. And by the way our marriage has now been sexless for a few years because I have come to hate it so much and am completely turned off to him and he's mad at me for hating it when he's the one who makes it so unpleasant for me.
you don't want to become me. This is not about sex per se, it's about your fiance being selfish, inconsiderate and manipulative. These are traits and behaviors that destroy a marriage relationship (trust me, I know) regardless of whether it manifests in your sex life or outside of the bedroom. if her selfishness and inconsiderate nature didn't manifest during sex, it would in other aspects of your life together like finances, division of household chores, etc. and would also have a similar effect of killing your attraction to her and thereby your desire for sex with her.
unfortunately for your life to improve they have to undergo a personality change, and that ain't happening as long as their partner (you) are still around because without suffering any significant consequences or losses from their behavior they won't see any reason to change themselves.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): As others have said, talk to your fiance. Express what you've said here to her. If she ignores you and/or the problem, don't get married - you're just setting yourself up for a bigger problem down the road.
Also consider if your overall relationship with her is 'worth it'...by that I mean, if this issues is causing you to feel crappy and there are few benefits/bright spots to being with this person, leave. You're young, don't feel trapped for no reason. There are tons of fish in the sea and settling for the sake of just getting married is no way to live.
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): "Any suggestions?"
Either break up with her or go through with with wedding knowing in advance you're going to hate having sex with your wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): ...It seems like there is lack of communication in that department. You need to talk to her, find out what she likes and dislikes. Have her explore your body, as you explore hers. She may be trying to have sex with you, but then gets turned off by the idea that it may not be pleasurable. Same goes for you, wanting her but being turned off by her not wanting you. Talk this one out and see if you can experiment to make your sex life better. Hope this helps!~
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (9 February 2012):
Well, you won't want to hear this, but you will perpetuate the problem by masturbating to pornography. I would advise removing that from the scenario completely. You don't like having real sex with her, so you try porn. You like the porn, so you won't like having sex with her. It's a snowball effect that will get worse in time. Once you remove that from the scene, you will get a clearer picture of what's going on.
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