A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm 21 soon to be 22 and I'm still a virgin. For the most part I'm OK with it 90% of the time but the other 10% is hard to deal with. Growing up I was usually the last of the bunch to do certain things (driving, dating, etc.) and I still am and sex is one of them! Sex was never an issue for me until college. Apart from the fact THAT'S ALL EVERYBODY TALKS ABOUT, which is so annoying, they enjoy pointing the finger at me and asking why I'm still a virgin and stuff like that and It's understandable but it makes me feel weird and awkward, like I'm a loser or a freak.Honestly, I wouldn't mind losing it but I don't really care THAT much to lose it, not now at least. What I'd really want is a relationship with someone. I've never been in one so it aids in my 10% insecurity. I think girls find me attractive because I usually get 7/10 or 8/10 for my looks from them, and (unattainable) older woman like to tell me how handsome I am and I guess that's why everybody finds it so hard to believe I am a virgin. Besides girls have never given me the IMPRESSION that they found me attractive even though I get a good amount of compliments, apparently, I'm too nice to be liked more that a bloody friend.I though about staying a virgin until marriage and I like the idea, to be honest I don't mind, but as you can see I have some insecurities towards women and the people who make my virginity seem wrong especially since I'm in my 20's.How can I deal with the situation? And why don't girls seem to like me for being myself.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 Delicate courting is called for then. Wiseoldman gave you some good pointers, and I will say the same. Women send out signals that they are available to you. But you need to turn on the player in your mind to be able to read these signals. You need to also believe that they want you before you will see the signals, or else you will just translate the signals as "oh, she's nice, but she just wants to be a friend like every other girl", which ain't getting you anywhere.
Girls send out discrete signals. Often because they won't like making the first move, so they send out ever so small signals of their availability, hoping you will pick up on it and make your moves. Such as wiseoldman described. If she fixes something on your shirt, if she stands just a little bit close, if she often comes and stand next to your side when you're with a group of people (take the hint: a girlfriend will stand on her boyfriends side, her taking up that spot is a signal she wants to be in the girlfriend spot). She smiles at you when she sees you. She holds your eyes for a little bit too long. She laughs a lot when you are around (because a smile is attractive), and she's up for anything you suggest.
These things aren't "friendship" signals, they are subtle signals that the woman is available to you, and that she will accept you courting her. The right way to handle it is by giving subtle hints in return. That way you wont feel outright rejected either, if she wasn't all that interested.
Smile at her, hold eye contact with her for around 3 seconds. If she holds the eye contact with you back for 3 seconds she's into you. It's that easy. If she leans over when you talk it is so you can get a look at her cleavage, meaning she wants to attract you. Or she'll bend over all innocently to give you a view of her rear. She might zip up her jacket when you arrive, or show a bit of her neck (like playing with her hair to make you focus on her neck, the neck is a sensitive area).
Offer her a hug if the occasion arises, if she's interested in you she'll accept. Don't hold the hug for too long, the hug is a tease to let her feel your body real quick, and get a sniff at you (the sent of a man is crucial when picking a mate, it'll either turn her on and want you more, or turn her off). Don't stand next to her in a crowd though, let her come and stand next to you. If you follow her around like a dog you come off as unattractive. The woman wants the Man with capital M.
Treat her to things. Buy her her coffee. Buy her her chocolate or whatever it is she wants when you and her are at the shop together, or the cafeteria at school. As long as it is something small of course, you don't want to ruin yourself economically. Can't afford treats? Carry her tray. Offer to carry her bags. It's the timeless classic of boy carrying girls books. Hold the doors open for her. If she appears cold ask her if she's freezing, offer your coat/sweater. This again is a girlfriend/boyfriend move that will make her feel special, plus she'll get the sent of you from your clothes, which I already said is important. You could also lay your arm around her as to warm her up, rub her a little. Don't leave your arm around her though, she's not your girl yet, so only lay your arm around her or rub her for a little bit.
These are all special hints you give, and if you do these things only for her she'll catch onto it. If she returns these hints by hints of her own, as described above and by wiseoldman, move in for the kill.
Use the classic "do you want to see my stamp collection" move. Invite her with you for something seemingly innocent. If she turns it down you save face. Inviting her to come over to your place is the very best, of the right opportunity arises. If she invites you home to her place you're in and the deal is sealed. When inviting someone home to their place, after having gone through the flirting games described above, the point is to take things to the next level. If she invites you to her place that is her making the moves, which she'll only do if she's really really into you. Which means you can do just about anything you wants and she'll be game. However, invite her home to your place and you need to play your cards more carefully.
If not to your own place, invite her somewhere to do whatever, and then make sure you and her get time alone afterwards, where you will be undisturbed. A silent place with not much people, to give you privacy. Sit down, or go for a walk, next to each other. Look at her and see if she looks back. Stand closer to her... then a little closer, check how she responds. If she's comfortable go for a kiss. Here's how to lean in on her while still keeping face if she decides to turn around:
Be close, look at each other. If she looks at you and then suddenly looks down, or away, and appear embarrassed, it's because she wants a kiss. Come up with an excuse to get inches from her face. Like you lean over to get something behind her, or show her something that she needs to lean closer to you to see (like a picture, or petting an animal that's on your lap, reading lines in your hand to see your future, whatever, it isn't so important). Then when your faces are close, look at her, hold her eyes, and if she doesn't turn her head you kiss her. It's a sure thing. Don't wait for too long, if the mood is right you need to move in for it or else the moment will disappear and you will need to work hard to get it back.
Last bit of advice: these tricks or games I told you about aren't evil mean manipulation techniques. They're just signals that are quite common amongst humans, they tend to work no matter the culture. They're the subtle signs, you might need to modify them a bit to match your cultural setting, but they are pretty straight forward. Don't feel like a "player" when you make these moves, because it's just flirting. If your intentions are sincere then that is what matters. A "player" per se is someone who wants to use another person for their own benefit, or use them for sex, or play games with them. If you are interested in this girl you pursue, have sincere intentions, or are in love, and aren't flirting with several girls at the same time (keep it to only one at a time), then nothing is wrong. Just be genuine.
Of course, in addition to all of this you and the girl in question need to get along fine and enjoy each others company. These are just some steps of how to move things along.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2011): Thanks for all the advice guys, it has really been an eye-opener.
Hi chigirl, I guess I'm not exactly the player type, actually, I'm really shy around women ONLY when I'm trying to be intimate or express my feelings for them, otherwise I'm quite fine around girls aka Friend-mode, and the fact that my advances have left me rejected so many times I've come to realize looks absolutely has nothing to do with it.
It has had a BIG toll on my confidence which I am trying very hard to get back. I guess I'm kind of a blank slate but women don't seem to like me if I do, so I think my approach is completely a turn off of some kind. I pretty much DON'T attempt to "court" women anymore because I'm so use to being rejected.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (31 July 2011):
The virginity issue: don't be bothered by peer pressure. Everyone likes to knock down others because they themselves feel insecure. Lie and say you're not a virgin if it gets them to back off and it starts to become annoying, or just say flat out that you are tired of it being brought up. If they are true friends they'll knock it off, and if they aren't true friend then just lie to them about it to get them to cool off. Who cares anyway.
As for the girlfriend issue, here's my guess. You're "too nice" you said. What does that imply? The key to any romance is to FLIRT. Do you flirt? Do you know how to? It takes experience and try and fail to get it right, and there's not other way to learn that through experience. My guess is that you're a sitting duck waiting for a girl to aim at you, with all the nice complements you've received you're sitting there wondering why the heck no one is aiming for you.
This again comes down to flirting, if you do not put yourself out there, flirt, you come off as unavailable. Few women will go through water and fire for a guy who appears uninterested, no matter how nice or handsome. If you send out the wrong vibes you're not going to get anywhere. Looks, trust me, looks got nothing to do with it. You can be handsome or ugly, all it comes down to is your attractiveness, which is a total package. Be charming, flirt with the ones you like, treat women like ladies and take the plunge to ask someone out on a date, or to a romantic setting, make your moves man!
When you seek a partner you need to go out and hunt them down, not sit still while waiting for someone to chase after you. Especially since most women it seems still hold the old courting codes in high regard: the man is supposed to make the moves. If you don't then you are the one who in effect is saying "I dont want more than friendship", so don't blame the women on this one!
Get back to us if you have more info to give on how exactly you go about finding a woman. Maybe then I can give you a few hinters.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): The way this culture harps on about virginity is really quite stupid. Think about it: One night of sexual intercourse with any female and suddenly your socially acceptable and fully matured as a man? It's preposterous. People talked about nothing but sex in my highschool too, and they've continued to do so in university. But what you've got to understand is that the people bragging about it are the most insecure individuals you can find. Why does a guy or girl need to loudly inform an entire classroom of people what conquests they achieved the night before? Because they want the attention and ego boost which comes with it.Dont be so hard on yourself. You will meet a girl, and engage in sex when the time is right. It will be someting private shared between the two of you, and happen naturally, not through pressure of peers but through your own honest affection for each other.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (31 July 2011):
Unfortunately nice guys always have lots of female friends, but everyone else is sleeping with them. It's very possible that women ARE attracted to you, and as far as they are concerned making it obvious, but usually the woman's way of making a pass is to send out signals indicating interest in a guy (the Unspoken Invitation)which he is then supposed to act on. It's sort of like an Indian being able to read a trail while hunting deer. It takes skill. If she's standing a bit closer than normal, playing with her hair a bit more than usual, casually strokes your arm, picks a bit of fluff off your shirt or something- these are all indications that you should gently start to move things along.
One other thing. Sometimes a girl will be at your place too late to go home, and after much 'hesitation' will ask to sleep in your bed in exchange for a SOLEMN PROMISE on your part not to do ANYTHING. The three times this happened over two years or so when I kept my promise, being a gentleman (i.e. 'nice guy', before I got clued up) the girls refused to speak to me again. Ever. Next time this happened I asked for a goodnight kiss while we were horizontal, after my promise not to do anything had been extracted, and she was all over me. Go figure. Learn those signals!
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (31 July 2011):
I went through the same at college, everyone talking about sex and asking around and I never participated in those discussions. When they asked about me, I told them the truth and shrugged. When people tried to make a big deal out of it, I calmly said: "I've been busy, it simply hasn't happened yet. So what?"
They backed off quickly after that. I also had a girl come up to me who overheard the conversation, saying she was happy knowing I was a virgin too because she felt like she was the only one.
Trust me, there are still virgins at your age. Don't be fooled by all the talk. Though there probably are a lot of people who lost it at a young age, there are always those who are so insecure they feel the need to lie about it.
So simply relax and be calm whenever the topic comes up. You don't have any STD's, you don't have baggage from previous relationships and you haven't gotten anyone pregnant. Going through teens and early adulthood is so much easier when you don't have all that drama going on in your life I'm surprised everyone is so quick to jump on the sex bandwagon.
I ended up losing my V-card at 22. At 21, I never thought I'd lose anytime soon until I just met the right person. Just try to be open and don't have that cloud hanging above your head. Virginity is not the big deal everyone makes it out to be, believe me.
Just chat up girls with the goal of fun, not the goal of a potential relationship. When you become more relaxed they will feel at ease with you. People pick on nervousness and insecurity and you'll be automatically thrown into the 'just friends' category.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (31 July 2011):
 when you get older you will realise that peer pressure about these things is crazy. I was a late bloomer too and ultimately you get into a relationship and get to know how a woman works and go from there. statistics are unimportant. When one of my mates says I was having sex at 14 I think what a loser. what is important is that when you do get involved with a woman you learn about what she wants from you and how you can please her. you also have to teach her how to please you. and I'm not talking only sexual here.the outside world is irrelevant. no amount of 14yo experience is going to help you as you must use your brain.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): Honey you said so yourself, we all develop at different rate. Sex is a big deal and absolutely should not be rushed. Instead of worrying about what your friends are getting up to, why not go out (however don't fall for going clubbing when you want to find someone who doesn't like that). Go back to just being yourself and having a good time, you're way too young to be worrying about these things. If you're having a good time and enjoying yourself, girls will see that! I (and my friends) spent years looking for the right partner, and when we gave up, it happened. So stop getting stressed about your virginity, it will happen in it's own time, and relax! Go out with friends, enjoy what you have, and for goodness sake be yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): hey there :)
don't worry your not alone. i am a 21 year old female and i am also a virgin.
just like you i get compliments about my looks and guys hit on me but never really get to the stage of getting close enough to someone to have sex with them.
my advice is don't tell everyone about your virginity. a lot of people don't understand holding off until you meet someone you actually want to break your virginity with. especially at college. for lots of people college is a wild part of their life where they sleep around.
but just be proud that you aren't one of those people.
trust me i know its hard but you will meet a girl who likes you for not being a player.just be patient. i would.
when you do meet a girl dont tell her right away. go on a few dates and then approach the subject.
just keep being yourself and be patient. the right girl will come around.
all the best.
xx.
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