A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a bit of a dilemma.....At Christmas, my parter and I decided to come off using contraception and just to let nature take its course and see what happens.Last month, we booked our wedding and honeymoon for July next year and I went back to the doctors to get some more contraceptive pills as we decided to hold off any baby plans until after we were married. My GP told me to start taking the new pills on the first day of my next period.....which never came!I've done a positive home pregnancy test and my fiance is over the moon, I however, am gutted.I've always been broody and maternal and been longing for a baby for so long, but now I'm dreading it and don't know what to do.I know that its purely selfish reasons I don't want to be pregnant just yet and that is because 1) I'm not ready to give up smoking, 2) the thought of going camping with friends over the summer and being unable to smoke and drink is horrible, 3) I don't want to be carrying all my excess baby weight when I get married, 4) I don't want to be having to faff about with a 3month old baby on my wedding day, 5) It's going to be very hard financially to think about the wedding AND the baby.I know I am being really selfish about this and probably need a kick up the ass because I have never believed in abortion, but I am seriously considering it.Please help!!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 August 2011):
 Freaking out is normal, and what I suspected you were doing because of your reasoning. You'll probably freak out several more times wondering what you got yourself into and if you can be a good mother, but think back on this and you will see you were just scared, and it's a momentary fright that will pass. It's okay to freak out now and then, but in the end remember that you'll be fine! You'll get through!
Congratulations :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.S I'm a catholic (Not practicing and not the best example but my beliefs are there...) and I never would have been able to bring myself to abort the little life inside of me, I was just freaking out!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all the positive posts - you will be pleased to know it was just shock that made me react this way - I am now over the moon and have cut down smoking a great deal (still finding it VERY hard to give up completely but I'm getting there!) It was a sudden shock as I always had a feeling that I would never be able to have children and this came as a mega unplanned surprise and threw my emotions in to turmoil!
And to all the negative posts..... well, maybe you shouldn't be giving your unhelpful advice on a site like this! I have never been a 'partier' I just struggle to deal with quitting smoking as I've been a smoker for all my adult life and can't even begin to imagine how I will adapt to situations and not include smoking in my lifestyle as I'm sure many people before me have also struggled with. The main thing is that I'm trying.
25years old for marriage and children is not too young at all, well, I will be 26 when I get married - my mum was 26 when she got married to my dad and is now 63 and still happily married to him!
Thanks again to all the positive posters, you've been wonderful and I really appreciate your kind words :) xo xo
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A
female
reader, lolarichardson  +, writes (13 August 2011):
 I think if you not ready to be a mother you should get an abortion cause then you not selfish when you are ready to have a child then u give up all those things. its nothing wrong with not being ready or wanting a child right now. i dont think you selfish
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (31 July 2011):
Oh no... don't think about abortions. You and your partner decided to try for a baby and you got pregnant. If it was a bad time to get a baby then you should have thought about that back in December. Now you come up with all sorts of excuses for why to not take on this responsibility, but tough luck, you are pregnant. If you go through with ab abortion it can ruin what you and your partner have, plus, how can you look back and know the reasons you didn't want your child was so you could go camping and smoke and drink?
This is all fluff. Camping with friends without drinking and smoking is perfectly do-able. "Not ready to give up smoking"? What exactly does that mean, like you will ever feel ready? You can always start after 9 months, if you aren't ready yet just hit the pause button.
You made the decision with your partner, now be a grown up and take responsibility. You'll handle just fine! Here's what I think, I think you're scared. When people get scared they come up with all sorts of humbug reasons for why this or that, and it's all as shallow as can be. So, the timing wasn't good, but not because you can't have a baby now. You were just too quick with booking that holiday and making baby-free plans. But all those other plans, they can change. Your baby, you wont ever have that baby back. You can change the plans, the camping plans, the holiday, whatever plans you had, you can change all that and your life won't be hell. However you can never have your baby back if you have an abortion.
Wasn't practical to have a kid now? Change of plans, just fix the plans and make them baby-proof and you'll be fine. Believe me, your mother or other relative will take care of your baby on your wedding day so you can enjoy your day. And believe me, once you see your child it will not feel like faff to take care of it.
Don't do what you will regret. Not for a simple camping trip with drinking and smoking, as if THAT was worth it all. Plans change when you get pregnant. You adjust your plans, you don't take an abortion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): Are you sure it isn't just natural apprehension talking? Up until now the idea of being a mother has only been a distant dream in a way - but suddenly you're pregnant and it's happening for real! I imagine the magnitude of that could be rather frightening, even for someone who's yearned for a child for a long time. You're still fairly young too which perhaps makes it all the more daunting, although I've heard that women even older than you have experienced the same reaction.
The reasons you give for considering an abortion may sound selfish on the surface, but I honestly think they're coming up to draw your attention to a deeper (and perfectly understandable) fear of losing your independence. You know you'll have to make sacrifices if you have a baby - and of course many of them will be more profound than giving up smoking and drinking! When you think about it, the inevitable complication of your plans for the summer and your wedding day if you continue with the pregnancy are superficial in comparison to the way your life will change after the baby is born.
You wouldn't have to abstain from smoking and drinking forever. With the right exercise, you could do miracles with getting rid of the baby weight in time for your wedding (and I'm sure you'll look radiant in any case!). The little one could be taken care of by relatives and friends during the ceremony and reception, but still be in the photographs of a day you'll never forget. Planning for a wedding and a baby might be a bit of a pinch financially but with good budgeting, it wouldn't be impossible to cope with. You see, none of these things can't be overcome... but if you have an abortion, you might end up regretting it forever.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to influence you in either direction. All I'm saying is that you need to think very, very carefully about the whole thing - and be completely honest with your partner. Sometimes we hope or plan for something down the line, but life brings it to us earlier than we expected! It can make things a bit tougher for us, but it doesn't necessarily make it *wrong*. Reassurance and support is what you need, not a kick up the ass :) And whatever you do decide, I'm sure one day (either now or later) you'll make a wonderful mum. I hope everything works out for you. Good luck and take care x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): I agree with the first post! You are not in anyway serious to be a mother. It is selfish of you to think of all those reasons to have a child. Call of everything! Don't put yourself in any situations that NOW you are regretting and its not even happening yet. I don't believe in abortion, honestly I hate that word! I have 2 kids of my own. Think about hard and do act quick. Once the baby is develop no turning back! I wish you the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): I was just in your position 12 weeks ago! We're getting married next year in the spring and we both decided it was a good time to give up the birth control. We THOUGHT it would take a while to get pregnant (from hearing all these infertility stories we were convinced it would take at least a year and if not, then we could head straight to the doctor after our marriage).
Well guess what, we got pregnant in our firth month!! I thought I was ready, but then suddenly the seriousness of having a baby set in. Finances, me being off work, daycare, his finances, us not having a purchased home...the cost of the wedding.... yeah, suddenly having a baby seemed like an impossible obstacle.
I spent a few weeks terrified and upset, but with time I gradually came to accept that it did happen quickly and that I'd be a mummy! We really got excited.
Sadly, I started bleeding and had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. Now I'm devastated. Seeing my baby in its little sack in the toilet was a very traumatic experience. I realized that what was growing in me was a little loveable human being. Nothing could replace him/her. Its become more and more apparent since the miscarriage that nothing was as important as that little baby. Not owning a house, not my fear of gaining weight, not any of the complications of having the baby....
At this moment I would do anything to have the baby back. I'd gain weight worry free, I'd not push my fiance to make our financial dreams happen RIGHT NOW, I wouldn't be scared and upset...I'd be excited! Having that baby was a miracle, a miracle I did not appreciate at all.
No smoking, camping, friends, wedding should be more important than that little person growing in you. I hope you have a healthy pregnancy and learn to appreciate what you have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2011): Wow, you came off the pill and decided to let nature take its course then you decide you are not ready for a baby once you find out you are pregnant, what did you think was going to happen once you stop using contraception and now you are considering an abortion. Yes you are right you are a very selfish person and is it fair on your fiancee for you to suddenly change your mind now that you are pregnant...I think not!!
You should of realised you didn't want to stop smoking or drinking etc before you started trying for a baby. This baby is innocent and you are thinking of abortion because you are not ready when you was trying!!! I think you need a reality check. Sorry but I do not believe in abortion either but I also believe there are circumstances that happen and understand why some people do abort but I do not understand you at all!!! All I can say to this is I feel sorry for your fiancee because he is happy and you are going to destroy that happiness for your own selfishness!! If you abort this baby be prepared for your fiancee to be extremely upset and possible think about not wanting to be with a woman like you!! Seriously, make sure you are ready for it because if I was him I would go nuts!!
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