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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi,I’m a 21 year old lad who has fallen deeply in love with a 13 year old girl!I asked for advice on here a couple of months ago, read what people said and tried it but with no success and now the situation has got worse!Some people said don’t see her but see goes to the same places I do and more often!I can stop going to these places because they are connected to my work and and I’m self employed (so it’s not like I can quit my job to avoid her)Some people said move on and find someone else but the only girls I meet seem to be just interested it getting drunk, smoking and stuff like that! (which I really hate)I’m now really confused with what to do as my feeling for her are stronger than ever and are affecting my life!I’m always thinking about her which is making it hard to work and sleep!I worry about her a lot (especially when you hear about things on the news)I’ve even thought about committing suicide to escape my feeling for her but (believe it or not) worry that if I do it might upset her (rather than worry it might upset my family)And now things have got worse as I have found out she has recently self harmed and has taken tablets at her school without knowing what they are!This has made me realize even more how much I love her and care about her!After I found out see had self harmed by cutting the word “HI” deep into her hand I spent the night crying and feeling like throwing up because I was so upset.And now I found out about her taking tablets (which could be drugs) Even though she told me she was ok I still can’t sleep, eat or work property and I don’t know what to do!!! I know she has said things which imply she likes me too but I did what you lot said I said nothing to her about my feeling!Now though I feel maybe she has self harmed and that to get my attention!I just don’t want to see her get hurt or hurt herself because it’s tearing me up inside with worry with no sign of it stopping.So please please help me! I just love her so much and could really do with some good advice!
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (19 October 2006):
 You are 21. She is 13. In some parts of the world it is illegal. Period.
If you really love her, then be strong enough to leave her alone. When she turns of age, give her a call, but in the meantime, stay away.
Just the fact that there is SOOO much issues behind this, you could seriously emotionally damage her.
Be a man, walk away, and find someone closer to your age, not just your maturity level.
-Frank B Kermit
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): i agree with the people that mentioned the word paedophile, my little sister is 13 she has large breasts and hips and grown men are always looking at her, my dad nearly has heart faiure and constantly shouts at men "She's 13 you effing nonce!!" its awful and scary it really is.You say your feelings are non-sexual, you are not related to this girl you shouldnt have any feelings or relationship with her at all. all teenagers go through a sh*t time when they hit puberty, at 14 i was depressed and thought i wanted to die because i was inlove with a popstar and no body in the world understood by pain, i used to get a compass and engrave his initials into my thigh, i believed i would love him forever, i was constantly in trouble i hated my family. by the time i was 15 i was so embarassed and ashamed to even admit i had once liked this guy, i was a totally different person!Leave her alone, she can deal with her own demons, she is not your responsibity and if you were my son i would have serious reservations about you.please do not do something you or her will regret. I am afraid for this young girl.Avoid her like the plague stop going by her school and the places she and her child friends hang around!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2006): i am a mother. my daughter was 13 years old when a nice 21 year old guy wanted to date my daughter. my daughter likes him very much and he likes her too. i spoke to him face to face and i was very firm yet gentle. i told him to leave my daughter alone. i pleaded him to let her mature and finish school. this nice guy 'thanked God' listened to me and moved to a different country. 5 years later my daughter turned 18 and this nice guy came back with so much maturity in him he's now 26 years old and this time he begged me if my daughter and him can see each other. with so much respect and love for both of them i gave them my blessings. they got married and after 3 years they both have good jobs, nice lovely home and their bundle of joy a baby boy. what am i trying to tell you ... if you can hold and pause your urges and flesh desires for another 5 to 6 years that's when you'll know what love is. let her mature and finish school if you love her that much you will respect and honour her future and yours too. good luck
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A
female
reader, xcharlottex  +, writes (17 October 2006):
look. be a friend to this girl. and if her parents are split up atleast try and to talk to one of them. I am sorry there is no way you can be anything more than just friends with this girl...and if you confess your feelings for her and she doesnt feel the same...think about how bad thats going to make the girl feel....do what's best for the girl...and find someone your own age or perhaps older as it sounds like you are alot mature for your age. im sorry but you have to realise there is no way you can be more than firends with this girl. in a few years this girl will be doing all the things you hate that women your age do now.
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A
female
reader, vina_101 +, writes (17 October 2006):
 Show this girl that you love her. The age gap isn't ideal and is somewhat questionable but the main issue is that you need help with the self harming and suicide. From what I've seen from some of (not all) the other responses is that they focus on the fact that she is 13 and you are 21 and they have ignored the self harming part of the problem.
If you really love her and if she really loves you then you'll have to be there for her in her time of need. Tell her parents. Don't mention that you are her boyfriend. Just tell them that you are a concerned friend. Try and see if there is anything any of you can do. Find out why she is self harming. Arrange for her to see a councelor or a therapist. Do it urgently. You look like you need a thereapist aswell so the both of you should get help seperately.
You've done the right thing by asking for help but now you must seek help out of cyber world and see a therapist.
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female
reader, !x!T!x! +, writes (17 October 2006):
 there are laws against that sort of thing. people like you should be hung drawn and quartered at the very least, you say you both go to the same places thats a bit seedy seing as your a 21 year old man!! and she is 13 go and get friends your own age. she is obviously a vulnerable little girl and i am appauled that someone like you has been allowed to take advantage of this, the only advice i have for you is steer clear of any further temptation of this kind before something terrible happens to someones child and as for you and anyone else like you i hope you get what you deserve for you are nothing but a sexual predator and i have no sympathy for you or your types whatsoever i say bring back the death penalty in the uk!!!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 October 2006):
 Irish is right as rain, you are looking for validation not help so try a pedophile forum you aren't going to find any support here.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2006): Why are you lot still not listening to me!
My love for her is non-sexual! I can’t describe my feeling for her and I have said I can’t just avoid her without loosing trade and probably becoming bankrupt (as I am self employed) that would make me commit suicide!
Also I said she MIGHT of self harmed to get my attention!
I can’t really talk to her parents as they have split up!
I can understand why you might call me a pedophile etc but I to hate to see/hear about men advancing on young girls but with me it’s different! I don’t want to “do” anything with her like that It’s so so hard to explain my feelings about her.
I admit I’am a very lonely person, I’ve never been in a relationship before or even kissed a girl but before I met her I wasn’t bothered that I was single I just wanted to concentrate on my business.
I’m a virgin BUT that doesn’t bother me ether! When I was between 14-18 all I was bothered about was having sex (loosing my virginity) but now all I want is to find someone who I can love and who loves me back! Maybe this is making me have feelings for her but I’ve never been interested in younger girls before only girls around my age (because I can have a good conversation with them etc)
I don’t have any male friends I find it easier to talk to girls so why I’m single I mean I’m polite, clean and smartly dressed! I don’t smoke, drink heavily (I have never even got drunk) I just don’t know!
I could really do with so better advice than “go to counseling” etc
I’m assuming most people on hear are from the US but I would appreciate comments from people from the UK because you seem to be putting a label on me before you actually read what I have said plus the heading of this question is not entirely correct!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2006): I think you are looking for that 'one, elusive' answer from someone who will give you validation, for falling in love with such a young girl. I don't think you'll get it here, dear. Stop trying to be a hero! Is you life so empty that you have to 'save' this girl? That's not your job. The best you can do is just be her friend and a good, strong, moral role model and support system, in her life. This girl is floundering and when friends we care about, are unraveling like this, we do all we can to help them get back on track. This girl has deep emotional problems and combined with her immaturity and youthfulness, she's in big trouble. Get on the phone and talk to her parents and tell them what you know about her and her 'acting out' behaviours. Keep your own personals wants and needs out of this.
Now about your feelings of love for her. You are the legal adult who has free-will, and you know the taboo, as well as the legalities. I cannot imagine a scenario where an adult cannot choose simply to walk away, however tempted he may be. I think her her youth and degree of innocence is highly appealing to you. Call it what you want-I call it a future potential abuse of power and you will take advantage of her inexperience in life. So what is wrong with you? Why aren't you pursing women of your own age? I think this poor young girl is troubled, needs affection and love and is highly vulnerable and likely does sense your interest. If you are sensing this young girl has a crush on you and there's not much romance (your lonliness) in your current life, you are being drawn to this and your natural ethics won't kick in. With a young, inexperienced teenager, the man usually becomes the centre of her world. She will become very enamored with you and therefore dependent on you, and likely moreso in light of her emotional problems. I am absolutely mortified that you cannot use some courage and strength of character to just simply say to yourself...she's too young! I think you are wanting 'her' because of her vulnerabilities. Stay away from this one, dear and tell her folks that she's struggling. Their daughter needs their guidance and protection. Back off and give her family a chance to come to her aid. This is not a situation you should be stepping into. Do the right thing and step away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2006): Hey, i went out with a guy alot older than me when i was 14 and he started to ignore me, i self harmed to get his attention, and one day he turned to me and said he'd never speak to me again if i didnt stop hurting myself, i was down and unhappy. You do honest to god get over it in time, it does take time. But my advice is, it's best to move on. If you carry on thinking about her, i know this sounds bad but your going to make your self ILL. It's not worth all the heart ache. You could get yourself in to trouble. She is only young and you both have the rest of your lifs ahead of you, tell her if it helps, and she does feel the same way, that you would always be there for her, but she needs to concentrate on making good girlie friend and enjoy shopping and stuff. I hope this helps alittle.
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A
female
reader, MissMo +, writes (16 October 2006):
ok, she sounds immature and unstable. Why exactly are you attracted to this? You also sound emotionally troubled. Real LOVE is not supposed to be dramatic and emotionally draining like that. In order to know what love is, you have to love yourselves. SHE definitely does not love herself. She sounds insecure, needy, and desperate. I also question whether you love yourself. You've contemplated suicide, so I think you're having trouble valuing your life. Why is a 21 year old guy like you having trouble meeting a nice woman your own age? Worry about yourself right now. Take care, and good luck.
Oh, and the responsible thing to do about her behavior would be to talk to her parents or at least get her to call a suicide help line.
I recommend that you both get counseling... separately. It really helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2006): have u ever seen dateline NBC? pedophiles being arrested for attempting to have relations with 13 year olds. well do u want that to be u. im sorry there is nothing that i can tell u to do to avoid her other than remove urself from the situation if possible. are u willing to be arrested and labels a pedophile over a 13 year old? its a record that will last forever. and right now it is the parents responibility to care for her because she is a CHILD. they may already be trying to help her. and commiting suicide over a child u having feelings for is just stupid. ur being selfish, and so is she. immature. suck it up and find an older gal, dont go looking for women at the clubs or at lounges. go somewheres else. i dont like to drink or party, and i have a lot of friends who are just like me. and i just turned 23. so there is potential out there. ur just looking in the wrong direction.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 October 2006):
Go speak with her parents and tell them of your concerns. They are her parents and she is their CHILD. However, I wouldn't mention your "love" for her you may get your damn head blown off.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone +, writes (16 October 2006):
 Anon. I think you need to seek some kind of counseling. First of all this is not normal. She is a child. A CHILD!!!!! You are an adult. ADULT!!! I don't know the situation revolving around this poor girl but you need to take care of yourself. I'm sure she has people around her who can help and who sees the things that she is doing. Seperate yourself from the whole situation. Just like you found your way in this you can find your way out. Don't be so shallow into believing that you can't.
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female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (16 October 2006):
 C'on your 21 wait 5 years to have sexual relationships is not that much or be her friend only and have one night stands eith other girls or masturbate that's not too high a price is it? if you really love her you'll become friends
and future will do the rest do not be so dramatic about all ok?
good luck
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