| A
female
,
*caringear
writes: My boyfriend and I are always on/off. He looks at porn all the time but ONLY lesbian porn.. sometimes mature women sometimes younger. Sometimes I have gone to bed and he is still at it.. I have unfortunately caught him with his trousers down. I fear he is a misogynist. He also had a tendancy for internet gambling. We had a holiday in barcelona when we first got together and he suggested going to a peep show. I declined he became defensive and said it was just for curiosity.. he made me feel boring. We also had a lot to drink and had an argument - he got on top of me and we started having sex.. he then said 'is that what you wanted' as though i was some prostitute and got off. I felt degraded and cheap and horrible. He denys this he just says it never happened..point blank but it did. Either he was so drunk or he lied! Things improved for a while then I started to find lots of lesbian porn on the pc .. all the time. I have attempted to talk about it but have shouted and cried. I then started to turn a blind eye. I think I lost a lot of self esteem and started to think oh it's me - this is a normal man thing.. I am a jealous person. He also has looked at women when I have been with him.. But at their bodies sort of from their legs up and undressed them with his eyes or at their bum. I now feel really insecure and notice women he might look at when I am with him and look at them and then look at him to see him look. He has got better on that front. He had a history of lap dancing clubs before I met him - he swears he doesn't do it now. His brother uses porn a lot as well and he has said to me in arguments oh he uses it more than me. He must have told his brother and his brother looks at me as if I am scum. He doesn't bother with me. I feel they are both misogynistic but he can be so very lovely as well sometimes. He denys things which I know happened. I also found a text on his phone from a friend saying - that you will be glad to know that the good looking blonde with eastern european eyes is back at the midland hotel.. where he stays with work. He claimed this was just male banter and that he had simply made one comment about it. I am on the verge of leaving as it causes so much arguments I am now quite volatile and if he says negative things about me I get quite upset easily. I have put weight on and started to neglect myself - although I am attractive. Is it time to leave... am I a mug.. he denys everything. He is intelligent but sometimes lacks support he is a management consultant and lives a hectic life - he is also divorced with children. I live with him and have been quite vulnerable as I haven't carved myself a proper career.. But need to leave - I think - it's hard.. I don't know whats right or wrong anymore.. pls help
View related questions:
cheap, divorce, drunk, gambling, insecure, jealous, lesbian, porn, prostitute, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (30 October 2006):
 Ok...he's looking at porn....and you don't like it.
But you need to understand that this man's problems are much deeper than some naughty pictures. You are looking everywhere for something to blame....first it's porn....then it's you....then it's men in general. Remember my reply about motivation?
Porn is a symptom of his problems....not the source.
Drinking is obviously a source of your self esteem problems....as he drinks...he gets mean...then he gets to blame his horrible behaviour on you not remembering it properly. In other words...he's abusive....but only has the balls to really act out when he can blame it on alcohol. He gets to blame YOU on his other addiction....porn. And Gambling....i am sure that's somehow your fault too.....cause your such a mean old gal he Gambles to forget?
Your low self esteem issues have nothing to do with porn....though he wants you to think your to blame. And your buying it hook line and sinker.
First of all. This is a man who has had other addictions in his life probably. Addictive personalities always find a new addiction. (that's why some addicts later become workaholics, or obsessive artists....constructive addiction is considered passion)
There is nothing constructive in this mans mood swings, drinking binges, mental games, and the pressure he's putting you under to make it OK.
Now in his defence, there is nothing wrong with wanting to share a peep show with you if he's interested....but once you say no thanks....that is where it should respectfully end. You should not feel like you have let him down. (and you should not try to make him feel like a sleaze at that point....at least he was making a clumsy attempt to share with you)
Your not married? Then why are you there? Your vulnerable? To what....at least to what that is worse than where you are right now? This simply does not sound like a healthy place for you. He does not make you feel good....you are constantly in an emotional hole with him and you should consider what would really make you feel worse than him getting drunk and in effect raping you then acting like you deserved it and he'd just done you a favor. Ewwwwww? Then he conveniently can't remember? Honestly on a scale of troubles....Porn Is WAY down on your list. As you gaze with hate at the swimming pool before you....did ya miss that big ole tidal wave about to drowned you?
He has abused you mentally and quite frankly physically. Is this a place you want to live?
Now please understand...There IS nothing WRONG with masturbation...at all. But if he's sneaking gambling, porn, masturbation and being abusive to you...how big of a leap is cheating on you...with that convenient excuse that you were not satisfying him?
Perhaps he's not a terrible person.....but he's really not the person you want either....your more his victim than his girlfriend and he was being honest about the Power thing. That was not talking just about how other women liking him gave him power. You are giving him power because he's pretty sure he can dish out anything he wants...pretend like it didn't happen....and his little cowering lap puppy will come back for more....
The more he takes away your self esteem.....the MORE power he has over you. Take your self esteem back and your own power. Your not as helpless as you will be if you stay. Remember the billion degrees in between artist and pedophile? well he's on the dark side of those degrees. Borderline scary...and most definitely a manipulator. Now ITS YOUR turn to wake up. A man who loves you....would never ever treat you the way you have described. best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2006): Well, you do know this treatment of you is morally wrong. Everything you have described points directly at your bf's disreputable character and his extreme lack of respect for you in this relationship. So how do you fix this and get him to respect you? My answer to that would be...you can't. Don't be one of those women who live on hope but only keep getting despair. A man who loves a woman would never treat her in the way you are being treated. You need to be strong and learn to set boundries..tough ones..in your relationships. That is how you get a man to respect you. The problem with your bf, is he kept on pulling off these hurtful acts and you just kept on allowing it. So he learned that he doesn't have to do much to keep you. Then he pulls off the next hurtful act and you allow it again and again and again. All that BS he pulled off on you only served to crush your self-respect. You don't need him. Quit frittering away your precious time -out of desperation- on a guy who doesn't respect nor honors you. He is purely interested in only pleasing himself..not you. His conversion and/or change must come from within. And if he can't become a better man for you..then dump him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Acaringear +, writes (17 October 2006):
Acaringear is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the caring replies everyone. I am torn between the nice side of him and this other side that has had the alarm bells ringing constantly. There also seems to be a lack of cosy intimacy - he doesn't cuddle enough or do those things its more about sex. I think I got myself someone who is mixed up. He also seems to have power issues. He once asked if a girl at work faniced him (she didn't I knew that for a fact! ) (and I know he didn't her) But he seemed upset when I told him no and that she liked someonelse... I asked him why .... he said Power ! I couldn't believe it !!! He was drunk at the time and being more honest than usual !!! But of course he denys it...
Thanks for your warm replies - there is nothing like a bit of support. I am isolated as I live in a different town with him than where my friends are - I also have had time out of employment - although I start again in two weeks - so this may improve my self esteem. Thanks again xx
...............................
A
female
reader, HaveEarWillListen +, writes (16 October 2006):
It's time to go. There's no other way to say it. Grab what you can and run. This is unhealthy for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anon2907  +, writes (16 October 2006):
 Hey,
This guy sounds sexually agressive (if there is even such a thing). Misogynistic? Perhaps.
Ultimately thought it boils down to whether this is something you want from a relationship? If you think you can cope with it for the next 10,20,30 years go ahead. Chances are you'll not change him.
If you're not happy - look for your way out. Whether you like his attitude towards sex or not, you still might find it tough to walk away.
However, interestingly through your whole post, you never mention once that you love him..... maybe you don't?
Good luck,
Anon2907
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (16 October 2006):
 Yep you need to leave, he is only bringing you down. At least take a time out to see how absolutely lovely other men can treat a woman. It will build that self-esteem right back up. Good luck, Chickie!
...............................
|
