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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I hate my body and can't accept it! let's just say that my body looks nothing like the 36-24-36 ideal of the media. And sure people say that it's the inside that matters but people are so hypocritical! Especially men! Because they say they want a loving girl, who is intelligent and kind, but then they all drool over perfect models, even though they're obviously fake or Photoshopped. Sure they can settle for a normal girl who is loving and smart, but in the end they still feel more attracted to plastic fake bimbos! And not only young men, but old men too. I will never be beautiful or perfect like one of those models. And don't give me that "everyone is beautiful" crap, because it's not true! I know for a fact that I'm not beautiful. I have a boyfriend but he himself has admitted that what attracted him the most was my personality and my brains. And now he's learned to keep his mouth shut about these things, but for years he's had a habit of telling me that so and so is hot or whatever. Or when he seems so enthusiastic about pointing out that a certain top makes my breasts (which are apparently too small for his taste) look bigger... I mean that only makes me feel bad because he'd obviously like my body better if I had bigger breasts. I can only imagine what he thinks about my hair, face and the rest of my body especially based on his celebrity crushes, who are all perfect.Sure, I bagged a guy who is not shallow and that's great. But I feel so damn bad because I'm not beautiful, and society gives us so much crap about the importance of beauty. Beautiful women have it so much easier, there are studies that prove it! They get treated better, they get better promotions, they can make a ton of money just for looking good, etc. I work my ass off as a teacher only to earn a very modest salary. Really, teaching is no easy job, despite how easy or simple it may seem to the average person. I know modeling or acting also requires a lot of effort, but at least they get a lot of money. I could NEVER be a model because I'm not beautiful enough.I know I sound bitter, but society is just so stupid. They go on and on about the "inside" but then what do you see in movies or billboards? Smart and kind people? No! "Hot" but empty people. And men my age including my boyfriend seem to lose their mind whenever there's a hot chick on TV and to them it may mean nothing, but to me it means a lot and it makes me feel awful! Is there anything aside fro, hypnosis therapy that can help me? I have tried talk therapy to no avail. Self help books, makeovers, and nothing. I was just born ugly it seems. I'm tired of feeling like this. Beauty is so useless anyway... why do people give such a damn about it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2011): I'm beautiful but I can relate though cause I live in New York and EVERYONE is so perfect here its like models everywhere. I'm always checking my husbands eyes to see if hes looking.. When I said I'm beautiful, sure I mean I'm not where I want to be right now... I cut my hair too short and I'm pregnant right now so I get jealous of perfect bodies walking around now lol. Please discount what everyone says.. Live in YOUR own world. Tell yourself your beautiful NO MATTER what anyone thinks! Its all you can do sometimes. Looks are so fickle and fragile. I know what its like to be both what people consider hot and not and you just have to mkae your mind up and tell yourself your the hottest dam thing on the planet and that whoever doesn't think so is stupid!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): Hope you feeling better :) life aint so bad start to like the real you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): You are the ONE deciding who and what is and is not beautiful.
spunky monkey.
Maybe if you looked INSIDE you would not be so focused on the outer, and i mean with beautiful people aswell, they are not empty...you are the one who is empty at the moment...LOOK INSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spunky Monkey
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 July 2011):
 Yeah, blind men need girlfriends too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): You're right about society. But i don't think that your prblem is society. It's you. I don't have the perfect measurements and i know i am attractive but not the most beautiful girl in the world. I used to think just like you do. I thought i was the ugliest girl ever. I never valued myself. Always wondering why guys didn't like me and the ones who did i was always afraid they'd dumped me for a more beautiful girl. But one day i woke up and i stopped feeling sorry for myself and started counting the blessings i had. A great family that loves me, good friends that were always there for me. The possibility and smarts to go to the college of my choice. And it stopped being so important being beautiful. And when i stopped seeing myself as the ugliest person more and more guys started to notice me. And then a guy told me i was the most beautiful girl in the world. Of course i am not. But when he told me that i didn't felt the need to undermine myself. And i started to see what he saw. I know now that while i am not the most beautiful girl, or have the perfect body, i am beautiful. And even if i wasn't there's so much more to me than my face or my body. On the other hand, my best friend is beautiful, she really is, perfect body and beautiful face. She always had the attention of men and she could have any guy she wants. But all she cares about is college and her boyfriend, who honestly is not attractive at all. She saw beneath the surface. And she may be beautiful but she has had the hardest life. Her mother died when she was little and her father died when she was 17. Her grandma died a year after. She has no siblings and her nearest uncle lives 8 hours from here. She was left completely alone in the world. Do you think her looks mean squat to her ? it didn't help her in what matters the most. You should really think about the good things you have and stop complaining. And really a guy could have the most beautiful girl in the world and still drool over girls on tv and movies. Just like girls like actors. That doesn't mean you wish you were with them. It's just natural to look.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): Unfortunately, that is the reality and there is nothing you can do to change it. So many things in this world are obviously wrong and/or don't make sense and we can't do anything about it. There is one famous model, I will not say her name, but she is the most paid model in the world and what pisses me off is that I personally don't find her beautiful at all, and yet she made a fortune thanks to the "beauty" she doesn't even have. Even bigger problem than the overblown importance of physical appearance is the unjust distribution of money in the society, but that is another story.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 July 2011):
 You're much younger than I and that is why you think beauty is that important. Yes, society bla, bla, bla, and your description is correct, but you have to value yourself beyond what Person A or Person B thinks. Your self-esteem cannot completely depend on what others tell you. If you were never to stand up for something you want, then you'd be a weathercock, pointing in the direction of the wind.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 July 2011):
 Another way out of your predicament is to dump the boyfriend, and date only blind men. I'm serious.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 July 2011):
No, seriously, go do what I said. You need to catch a case of grateful, and stop feeding yourself the bile. Get a better counselor, and maybe talk to your doc, there might be a med that could help.
If you REALLY want change, which I doubt, but if you really want change, it's you that has to do it, not "society." "Society" owes you squat. Alas.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): I think you've gotten some really good advice here. You think because a woman is beautiful that doesn't come with it's own set of problems? I am what most people consider beautiful. I have that "perfect" 36-24-36 body that you so despise. I have been a model and spent that time in the "beautiful" world that you are so bitter about. And yet none of that has stopped me from having my own insecurities-- I would have got that job if I were just a stone lighter, if my hair were blonde instead of dark, if I were just an inch taller. My "beauty" didn't stop men from abusing me, didn't protect me from body image issues, eating disorders, drug use. My "beauty" affected me to the point where I dropped out of that world you are so envious of. And you know what I am most proud of? The fact that I am a single mum raising my girls to NOT have those issues that I had. The fact that I am graduating from university with a triple honours degree. THAT is what I am most proud of, what I want to be my legacy. Not the magazine covers I landed, not the men that "drooled" over me.I really think that, like everyone else has said, that you need to reexamine your outlook on life and quit thinking that the grass is greener. You are having your own little pity party whilst life goes on around you. Being bitter is its own demon, and I hope that you realize that before it's too late.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (4 July 2011):
 Beauty, like intelligence, the color of your skin and the amount of money in your parent's bank account, is something you're lucky to have, but not particularly unlucky not to.
Are all beautiful people successful or rich? No, not really. Many work deadbeat jobs, some in industries that sap away their dignity and health. Others are able to be successful in fields unrelated to their looks on the strength of their intelligence or good fortune.
Does society attach a premium on beauty? I don't know. I'm generally considered beautiful, but it's often earned me resentment and I've been the unfair recipient of vicious gossip on more than one occassion.
Doesn't matter because I can get the men I want, right? Here's the hilarious story on that, then - my current boyfriend's relationship before me was a woman who actually could walk into a Victoria's secret fashion show, no questions asked - except that she chooses to earn her living as a teacher and part-time piano player. The reason she and my boyfriend are no longer together being that she never quite got over her ex, who..but that's a whole long, irrelevant story.
Of the men with whom I've had relationships in the past, all but one were, I am firmly convinced, not with me because I was 'hot' but for financial reasons. So what's the point of being beautiful when it's the bank balance that's more attractive anyway?
Beauty is - nice, I won't pretend beautiful people bear a burden particularly heavier than others, but not having it is hardly a curse. And people in general care a lot less for it than mainsteam media would have you beleive.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that beauty is one of the many genetic advantages that some of us are born with and others are not. To resent that is as unfair in its way as it would be to resent the fact that more intelligent people get better jobs or that stronger people are better at sports.
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male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (4 July 2011):
 Ok so you hate your body...what exactly do you hate about it? AND more importantly what have you really done about it?
Its true that what matters is whats on the inside BUT that comes from feeling good about whats on the outside
Get yourself a real makeover,work out,eat right and after doing these take some pics and post them on a site called HOT OR NOT (DOT) COM and see what guys think about you
You stand to be amazed!! I just dont agree with you that youre ugly.from your post you just sound insecure,not ugly or bitter and guess what...
ALL WOMEN ARE INSECURE...but its the degree of insecurity that varies
As for men,we are for the most part visual and logical creatures,and are geneticaly responsive to a visually alluring female,hour glass figure n all...
Personality and the rest always come secondary...ALWAYS...and its nothing personal, so blame it on genetics
Youre negative thinking will therefore do you no good! Take serious steps to look after your health,appearance and if you are serious about it,i KNOW you will get +ve responses from both men and women.
But to be honest with you i doubt you put in too much effort into your appearance and health,
Fine work may be overwhelming and income maybe a limiting factor but it shouldnt be an excuse
So what if your guy thinks some model is hot...coz guess what,MODELS ARE HOT
What matters is who he is with. In my country you should see what our women can do with a modest,even minimum wage income.
Any way im just emphasising the need for you to be positive,besides if you dont really like your job..DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!
You know nearly all women feel insecure about looks especialy HOT ones
And from your post here, filled with all types of normal female insecurities i can safely conclude that you aint ugly regardless what you think about yourself...
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 July 2011):
 Society has many faults , but not those you make it responsible for.
It's not society's fault if you accept to date someone who can't help reinforcing your insecurities by losing his mind over every hot chick in Tv. It's not society's fault if you chose a man who still has "celebrity crushes " past high school, whose tastes are so primal and gross that he can't see beauty if unattached to a pair of humongous tits, and who is so insensitive/clueless/socially inept to ignore he is not supposed to noisily drool over other females 's bodies when he is with a lady.
If you like louts, society has got nothing to do with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): I have to say, I'm offended. I agree with your idea on society's beauty being bull crap. But don't hate on men. You don't think the same issue arisies when girls are drooling over singers or actors? You think we don't care.. most guys wish they could be like them like you are with models! How about this.. your boyfriend only likes (allegedly) bigger breats because who told him to? Society. You know greek society back then favored smaller penises. Wow society has changed hasn't it? Don't regard it. I don't care attention to it. Neither should you. I have a gf and I never look at others. I don't need to. Don't generalize. First step to not following society
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female
reader, Battista  +, writes (4 July 2011):
I'm afraid that to me your post isn't about beauty, it's all about the opening sentence.
"I hate my body and can't accept it!"
That's the problem. It's got nothing to do with society and its perception and value of beauty. Two things spring to mind from what you've written
1) You don't like what you consider to be beautiful people because your imply that beauty is overrated, but yet you are constantly negative about what you consider to be non-beautiful. You come across as being negative about the whole spectrum.
2)As you are so down on yourself for not being perfect, as you say, presumably you are equally as judgmental about other people who do not fit your ideal. That is selfish and very shortsighted, and moreover offensive.
You post seems to imply that you do need some more therapy to address this problem. There is no good reason I can see that you need to constantly compare yourself to models, etc. It can only be destructive. I mean, we all see beautiful people in the press and on TV, but for the most part can step back and acknowledge that we'll never look like that. Models, for example, have to look good because that's their job. I wouldn't want to be a model because I like eating too much! I can still appreciate, however, that they may be more beautiful that me, however, it isn't a stick I use to beat myself up with. I think your reaction is completely irrational, and that is what you need to start working on.
You don't say anything much about your bf, whether you consider he is handsome or not. Do you consider him not to be handsome, and thus think less of him? Why did you get together with him in the first place?
As for you saying beautiful women have it easier, the fact that you state "they can make a ton of money just for looking good" seems rather simplistic. Beauty doesn't alter the quality of your research, or language abilities. My OH is a doctor, and being beautiful doesn't help you pass exams or make better diagnoses. Moreover, I can think of loads of famous women who are a huge success, but who a not necessarily celebrated for their looks alone because their talents are what they are known for- think about sports players, for example. They are valued for their achievements.
You need to work on your personal insecurity, and not blame it all on society. I think it should be natural to be able to appreciate beauty in certain people without becoming negative about yourself. As for people giving such a damn about beauty, I think you come across as giving more of a damn about it than anyone else. You need to stop being so affected by what you see in the media, and stop reading so much into your bf's actions. Just because he wants you to wear a top that makes your breasts look bigger doesn't mean he wishes they were; you are taking this to heart too much. Try the therapy again, I think it will do you a lot of good if you stick at it.
Lastly, well done on the teaching. My sister is a teacher and I know how hard she works. It's a great vocation and I hope you get a lot of job satisfaction out of it. No-one goes into teaching with an expectation that they are going to earn a lot of money. Your argument implies that no-one who is beautiful would go into teaching because they would be doing something which is more lucrative (like be a model or an actress as you say). Sorry, this is simply not true. Not everyone is sufficiently obsessed by looks that they let it rule their career choices.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): @Tisha: I know. But tell that to shallow men who ogle "hot" women and talk about it and wish their girlfriends looked like that. Tell that to my boyfriend when he grins when I wear a certain top that makes my breasts looks bigger, or when he says someone else is hot. I get your point, but you're a woman, you know about this things and about the uselessness of beauty, but men don't. Even when they love your personality, and being deemed ugly HURTS. It's irrational, even if I can rationalize it for a while and be grateful that I'm healthy... people still put so much junk in display about beauty and what not that it distorts everyone's perceptions. I'm sorry if my "vanity" offends you, but I'm just so sick of it... I've lived seeing these images of perfection and expectations of women for all my life, I grew up on Baywatch and so did my peers. It sucks. Because even if I know that beauty is useless and meaningless and that I should not care about it, other people have judged me, have told me ugly things about my appearance and have HURT me. We can try to ignore everything and pretend it's a non issue but it's not, otherwise there wouldn't be so many people with eating disorders. It's easy to say "put it in perspective and be grateful", but to actually FEEL differently is a lot harder. I wish then all men would volunteer at hospitals so they would stop idolizing Megan Fox and the like.
@Daniel: like I told Tisha, easier said than done. I am a heterosexual woman, so I care about what men think of me, more specifically, about what my boyfriend thinks of me. Of course it scares me that he thinks I'm ugly or that he'd prefer I looked like someone else, it scares me that he wishes my breasts were bigger... it may seem meaningless, but it says he has negative views about me and that sucks. I love him just the way he is, I love the way he looks and to me he's perfect even if he's not "conventionally perfect" (ie. what the media dictates which is total bullsh!t)... I don't feel other men are hotter than him, and I also don't feel the compulsion to tell him that so and so is hot, I don't tell him - with a giant grin on my face - that a certain pair of underwear makes his dick look bigger or any of that because I DON'T CARE!! It seems that yeah men expect us to not care that they ogle Megan Fox or whoever and be fine with it and not get hurt, but women are expected to be beautiful and men complain and mock ugly women, so of course I care. I can't "not care". I simply can't. Humans care about what others think of us, it's in out nature.
I'm sorry if I sound rude, but I'm frustrated because apparently you all think I'm just being stupid over a non-issue but you have no idea how much emotional grief my appearance has caused me, not because of paranoia, but because even other people have chosen to mock me and make me feel bad, especially men. If I see that people value beauty over other things such as character or intelligence, then of course I'm gonna want that. I thought humans looked acceptance, and recognition from their peers, and I've seen beautiful women all my life get that and I have to make a tremendous effort to get half of what they get effortlessly. Again, sorry if I sound bitter, I just want to look in the mirror and not hate myself anyway. I wish I could stop caring that my boyfriend wishes I had bigger breasts (it's obvious from the way he says "Ohhh, your boobs look bigger in that top!" or the time he suggested implants), but that's likely impossible. I wish i could stop caring about what men think of me, but sadly I've heard too much from average nice guys... when they mock or speak ills of ugly women and they praise beautiful women who don't even give them the time of day. Or when I see men's publications and they all have the stereotypical "hot" woman on the cover that I'll never be. It's obvious that men want this, or else it wouldn't sell. I'm not stupid. They just settle for women like me. My boyfriend has never had much luck with women anyway, so he's probably settling in the looks department.
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male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (4 July 2011):
The simple answer is, you can't change people, but you can learn to live happily as you are, and not give a damn whether people think you're pretty or not.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 July 2011):
Yes, I have a suggestion for you to be grateful for the gift of the healthy young body you now have. Go volunteer in hospitals with people who have mastectomies, who have lost limbs, who have disfiguring conditions. Spend some time with people who have lost their health. THAT will put your 'problem' into perspective.
Society didn't cause your insecurity. It may not help, but you are feeding it a steady diet of bile, anger and a sense of entitlement that is really junk food. Bad for you and unsatisfying in the long term.
You have two breasts? Freakin' bravo to you. You are lucky. You have breasts. My younger sister lost hers to breast cancer. Boo freakin' hoo, yours are too small. You at least HAVE breasts. My mother lost one of her hers. How about trying being lopsided?
They're still beautiful, they're still wonderful. If you dare suggest that they are not because they don't have breasts like you think is some 'ideal,' I will have words with you.
I think I have seen you post before. I think your problems stem from deep within and you need to get yourself to another psychiatrist or counselor. Your level of anger and insecurity is too high and nothing any of us write here makes any difference. You are stuck in some self-perpetuating loop of self-pity and distorted body image.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (4 July 2011):
Hi there. There is no such thing as perfect. It's a fallacy.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
Beautiful is different things to different people. It is only skin deep, and there is no real substance to it at all.
We are each attracted to different things.
What one person sees as perfect, to another they have no particular interest at all.
The worst thing anyone could ever do is to compare themself to others. We all have lovely things about ourselves.
Things such as:-
(1) Our eyes.
(2) Our smiles.
(3) Our teeth.
(4) How we wear our hair.
(5) The shape of our face.
(6) Different facial expressions.
(7) Our speaking voice.
(8) Our laugh.
(9) Our sense of humour.
While a nice body or a good figure can be considered beautiful by some or by many, they are usually thought of more in an aesthetic way - such as a beautiful flower in the garden, or a beautful cloudy sky on a lovely day. Or a lovely piece of art at an art gallery. Those kinds of things.
Not nearly as much consideration is given to the physical "model-like" or movie star type good looks that are so superficially referred to, as what is given to everyday ordinariness of beauty in normal everyday life.
Beyond physical looks, there needs to be so much more than a good figure or big breasts. Those things mean very little in the real world. They are only for tv or the silver screen or soap operas on tv during the day. They are the exception rather than the rule.
Unfortunately, what you are doing here is stereotyping yourself, and for no good reason.
We are all equal. There is no one person better than anyone else. It just isn't so.
And if you are measuring your beauty on that yardstick, you are using a very small playing field to make that judgement. One which is not in the real world.
Once we accept who we are and love ourselves unconditionally, we start believing in ourselves and that we are already beautiful. And who is to say otherwise?
Believe me, your boyfriend would not still be with you if he didn't love you and accept you totally, just the way you are. To him, you are already perfect - just by being you and not pretending to be someone else, just to impress him.
You already have what it takes, but it is up to you to know that and realize that it is true.
One of the most attractive qualities any woman can have, is to be confident and independent and know who you are, and what you want from life. These qualities are far more attractive to a man than any pair of big boobs could ever be. And I'm not lying.
There was something about you that first made your boyfriend cross a crowded room to come and talk to you. He probably couldn't even put it into words if he tried, but I promise you that it was something very special. And it's something only YOU have - and no-one else.
Don't ever compare yourself to others. We are all completely different. We all have our special qualities, which are unique to us. Qualities that are both on the inside and on the outside. There is no doubt about that whatsoever.
Trust me when I say, you are beautiful. You just need to start looking at yourself in a more positive way. Look into your mirror and consciously point out all the good things about yourself. Start accepting every single detail of your face and your body.
Then think about your personality, sense of humour, your laugh, your smile. Accept every single one, unconditionally.
Believe me, you are already perfect AND beautiful.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): I completely agree with you! I just did an entire report on the media and beauty, and personally, I feel the same way as you do. Trust me, even beautiful women have their problems, you may think it has advantages, and to some degree it does, but for the most part, their just oogled for their body and/or looks. It's even more annoying to find your SO take notice of the 'more attractive than you fake version' of a woman. In my opinion, if you let your boyfriend know how much it bothers you, and he still constantly does it, he doesn't respect your feelings. Be honest and open about it, and truth be told, everyone has something that anyone can find beautiful.
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