A
male
age
36-40,
*harger
writes:Hey there everyone! Hope you all are well. I need some advice about a girl i met just over a month ago. So ill tell you abit about the situation.So i met this girl on a dating site and we basically hit it off quick. I mean like we both talked like we knew and trusted eachother and ive opened up to her about stuff i dont usually talk about. We would either text, talk one phone or use this one app to send videos back and forth.Found out she was married for like 9 years and just last July she left him cause i guess it was a bad relationship and he either hit her once or more times im not sure. She also has 2 kids being 7 and 9 which the 9 year old has temper problems abit. We are both 30 years old. So anyways we talked every day for like 2 or 3 weeks and seen each other for lunch once and a couple times i stopped by her work to say hi. I went over to her place once for like 20 minutes before work one time too. We never officially had a real date cause the first time her ex figured out she was going out and told her he wasnt gonna watch the kids if she was going out with a guy and he said he was gonna drop them off so she waited and he never did. That was supposed to be my birthday dinner as well lol. Basically it was cancelled cause she waited for him too late. I kinda put walls up a little cause ive been lied to and played around with women alot and was afraid she was gonna do the same thing. I have gout and for those of you that dont know what that is it is a form of arthritis that can make it hard to put pressure on your foot and for about 2 weeks of talking to her i had that so it made it hard to see her and she had asked me to come over but i couldnt cause of the pain. One of the times was a Thursday and like i said i didnt feel well. That Friday my ex had texted me asking me if id like to go to dinner with them since i didnt do anything for my birthday the week before and so i told the girl that my ex had asked that cause i wanted to be truthfull with the new girl. She got mad and said why would i go to dinner with my ex when my foot hurt and since i couldnt hangout with her the night before. I didnt go with my ex and never really planned to but the current girl kinda got upset about it saying she was put second in her last relationship and doesn't want that. I never tried to put her second though. Anyways we still talked and kinda explained myself nd said i was sorry but she said she was acting stupid and that she was sorry. So things kinda got back to normal. Id tell he she was beautiful all the time and she said i made her feel like it and that she liked having me in her life. I also really like her even with those 2 situations. She had invited me to help paint her work cause her work is moving to another building and her kids were gonna help to and she said after her and i would go to a pumpkin patch to spend time together and hang out. I dont remember the reason maybe she thought i didnt want to go but she said that i didnt have to go but i said i would. She ended up canceling it on me. I dont remember f i said something wrong.Anyways i believe the next day she said i should come see her at work so i took a break from my job and i drove to see her for a few minutes. She rested her head on my shoulder for a moment as we had a quick conversation and said i should come over for dinner in a couple days. I said yeah id love to. Well the day of i texted ber and asked if we were having dinner still but she texted me this.Morning...Ok... Heres the deal. I am completely head over heels for you. (Yes.. Already). That scares the shit out of me. Idk why it does... But it really does. You are absolutely amazing. In every single way. And no one has ever called me beautiful like you do... And made me feel like i am. Thats also scary. Now that i got my teeth taken care of... Its hard to describe. Im back to being me. I. Not tired and sick and depressed feeling. Im ready and anxious to get back on track with everything. And to do that.. I need time. And i have very little kid free time. Now that im finally motivated and have the energy... I need to focus on me.It has nothing to do with anything youve done. Or anything that happened last week. Youve done nothing wrong. I just need to get my shit together before we continue. Its not fair to you at all. Im not trying to play games or lead you on. Because omg i seriously like you and want to spend time with you. Its just scary... And i know im at a turning point where its finally time.. After separating...to get my life together finally. And ultimately its not fair to you at all. I dont want to hurt you. And this isnt because of anything you did or said. Its totally me. And im just not ready.So i was shocked at what she said. I mean how could someone really like someone like she says but push them away? The next couple days i kept bringing it up and also asked if we could just hang out as friends if that would be ok. She ended up saying that it might be bad. I also said that as long as she wasnt like seeing or talking to other guys i could still be friends. She then said why would i stop being a friend if she was talking to other guys. She had stated after one of my replies to that text that she was not seeing other guys and that that was not the reason. She ended up asking for space and that was last monday. Im kinda lost with this and would definitely like some opinions on this.Btw sorry im horrible at typing and all that stuff. Thanks for any help cause i really like her.
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a break, at work, depressed, her ex, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): If she's been in an abusive, perhaps physically violent relationship and her ex is still trying to cause her problems, then her head will be all over the place. So as she says, she needs time and someone to understand the impact of what she's gone through. She will be looking for someone who isn't controlling, manipulative or selfish, so when you said about her not talking to other guys, she may have put up a bit of a barrier because she will have had a skin full of conversation like that with her ex. I've been where she is now and if she's anything like me she will be very wary of letting anyone else in until she trusts you very much. Give her space, time, friendship (unconditional) and understanding. Let her know you think she's lovely too. I think she meant what she said to you and if it's meant to be, you will be in the right place at the right time. Please don't underestimate what she may have been through.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (5 November 2016):
 I think you'd be better off just blocking her as I really don't think she will be back in contact for anything more than friends,
Like the other aunts said, she's found her confidence again and for whatever reason she's not ready for a relationship but you'll burn yourself out if you dig and dig trying to find out, so just let it be and move on.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 November 2016):
 She has just found herself again. She was in an abusive marriage and now she is free and putting her life back together again. I have no doubt that she has feelings for you. It is clear that she does. But she is also very scared off what could happen. She is scared off her own feelings and she wants to look after herself at the moment. You need to remember she probably has issues trusting men if her husband was violent to her. I would stay friends with her and give her time. She sounds like a good woman and hopefully she can work through her problems and give you a chance at happiness.
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A
male
reader, Charger +, writes (4 November 2016):
Charger is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor starters thanks to who have replied and who may still comment!So yeah the biggest thing that bothers me is really not knowing for sure whats up. Like im kinda confused about it. Seems like we have been telling the truth to eachother and stuff so id like to think she is telling the truth about needing to fix herself and then us continueing where we left off bit i have a feeling it wont based of how things usaully happen to me lol. I did like her alot and definitely would have liked to see eachother more to feel like she got to know me more. She said she wasnt judging me at all and really liked me. I wasnt rushing her at all. Actually as trying to take it slow. It just love to be able to sit down and talk about it with her but that stuff doesnt happen these days lol. I seriously hope she wasnt using me to bring her self back up. In my mind when someone says they really like you then they shouldnt puch you away. I am a great guy. No im definitely not perfect and do need to work on things and im supposedly a handsom guy with beautiful eyes lol but i have a terrible time finding woman. I did message her last monday or tuesday saying if she ends up not talking to me again i wish her luck with everything. I do hope i can talk and see her again. Ive been told by ppl to maybe not message her again until she messages me but that is definitely hard. Ofcourse im willing to move on cause i have to but still want this to work or at the very least get it more figured out.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 November 2016):
 I am sorry, OP- to me it sounds as she is saying, basically, that when she met you she was down and feeling bad about herself and unfit to attract men ( Not surprisingly for a woman who is just out of an abusive marriage ).
Then with your affection, your admiration, your interest, you gave her a boost and plumped up her self esteem .... so now she feels ready for someone - someone else. Not you.
Of course , we could take her literally, at face value, and accept that right now she just wants to focus on herself, and not date anybody at all. Personally I'd be skeptical about that. Insisting that she is not talking to other guys,.. and does not want to talk to other guys- and then again, asking why should you be mad if she talks to other guys... I don't know, but the lady does protest too much, methinks.
Anyway , she asked for space- you give her space . Because she asked , and because what's in it for you? The very best you'd get out of this is that you 'd get friendzoned. But come on, be honest with yourself, if you got interested in this woman surely it was not in view to acquire a new platonic friend !
Get over your very natural disappointment by considering that now you are free to make better choices. This woman is / was, by her own admission , a fixer - upper. Which may not be her fault , of course, then again it's not yours either. Perhaps you should focus on women who are not rebounding, not still absorbing the shock of being suddenly single again, not having many emotional issues, and not carrying around a lot of baggage... Btw, I know that all the single moms on DC will hate me for saying that, but- it's nothing personal, it's just how things work in practice, isn't it ?... probably single / divorced moms with young kids are best suited, more than to young single unencumbered men, to other single/ divorced parents, who will have the patience and the experience and the aplomb to deal with the complications ( interfering exes, babysitting problems, last minute cancellations etc. ) that come with dating a parent.
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A
female
reader, suzzzque269 +, writes (4 November 2016):
 because you too hit it off so good...she got scared, cut and ran! this happens when women who have dated bad guys/jerks in the past finally find a good guy. they dont feel worthy and/or dont know how to handle it.
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A
female
reader, LoveShoudntDestroy +, writes (4 November 2016):
 I totally understand what your going through and I'm sorry that you are hurting. First of all, she must really care about you as a person to give you an explanation at all. She sounds like a good person that has a lot on her plate including an abusive ex. She may have other personal stuff going on and may literally need time to work on herself and her kids for her own sanity and well-being. If I was you (I'm a 32 yr old recently single female so I'm same age range but I'm a female..) Anyways, if I was you I would text her one time telling her that you care about her and really wish her the best and when she gets more stable and has recovered from past abuse(can really mess someone up but the pain is not always visible-heartache, betrayal and so on) She may seem fine, but she may care about you and therefore not want to drag you in a mess that could potentially be dangerous.Nice of her to think about you like this and if anything, don't give up hope, just focus on yourself and your happiness in the mean time. You don't have to close your heart to others, just text her once that if she changes her mind and wants to try a relationship to let you know, otherwise wish her the best. I know it sounds hard but if you truly love her, you will let her go. It's a self-less hard thing to do but it may be the best for her and her children at this time. What's meant to be will be, just don't give up on yourself because she may be ready in the future or your real soulmate may be in your future and you want to always be the best you for yourself as well. I wish you the best and I'm sorry for you to be in this situation, as I know heartache can feel like the worst pain in the world.Don't give up hope or give up on love because you seem like you have a good heart and I wish you the best in love and life. God Bless.
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