A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:AS a joke my husband took and posted few photos of me on the internet. Over time he received loads of request for more and after telling me what he did it became a real turn-on for us both. I later started a web-site and the request for more, gifts and dates have poured in. I love it so and he supports and encourages me to continue. But now I have the desire to go on a few one-night dates and add some spice, interest to our marriage.Our relationship is 18 years strong and I see no issues if I did, but how do I tell him my desires for one-night dates and would I make him cuckold by "dating" men from my porn site?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 August 2012):
Sorry I'm late OP. I was away for the weekend.
Well, if he's okay with it (from your answers it seems like he shares your attitude) go for it OP. Just make sure you both talk about boundaries, about what is acceptable and what crosses the line. If you're both on the same wavelength then you can embark on this thing without risking miscommunication and resentment. Also, if I may ask, what is it that's keeping you and your husband apart for long periods of time? Because that seems to be the main reason for you to want this.
As for the hooking up part, be extra careful. Even swingers clubs have unsavory individuals. If you do choose to meet people online, always make sure you have their full name and telephone number. Cross reference that online to make sure he's who he says he is. Don't share your address with anyone online.
- When you meet up with someone for the first time, always make sure you meet up in a crowded place, in daylight, like for example a Starbucks in the city center. If you decide you do not want to go ahead with the one night stand it's easy to leave as he will not know where you live and won't try anything in broad daylight.
- Always carry a small phone with you in your pocket aside from whatever smartphone you may have. If things go wrong you have a back up.
- When you plan to meet up someone, always inform a friend or family member.
- Pepperspray is your friend. So get yourself a small canister and carry it with you.
- In the event that things go wrong and you need to get away from someone, punch them in the throat instead of the face, as it's much more effective. If you have your pepperspray handy, use that of course.
The above may sound like too much, but it's better to be safe than sorry. Besides, if you employ the above guidelines, you'll feel safe and you'll be more confident for it. A course in basic self defense wouldn't be a luxury.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question maverick494Thank you for your responses, here are mine.------------------So, from what I've gathered your husband have been in a monogamous relationship up until now.Yes you are correct we have never once gone outside of our relationship.--------------------------- What are your husbands views on an open relationship in general? He see's it as a positive thing viewing how both of our sex drives has increased seen the web-site posting.----------------------------- Is it just sex with other men you want, or do you seek emotional involvement as well? I'm looking to open up and enjoy and explore without any emotional involvement .-------------------------------- If it turns out he does not want an open relationship, what will you do? He's open and willing to give it try mutualy.---------------------------- If it's just sex you seek, what will you do if you become attached to another man (don't tell me it won't happen; when you go down that path anything's possible.)I've thought of that to and with getting to that point I can not say it won't or will happen. We also discussed that and he to has no more answers than I do.-------------------------------- How does your marriage benefit from this arrangement? Well we, by no choice of our own been living apart for over 3 years. Me see, met each other for vacation and find that we both need some sexual release and/or friend to talk, be with, during our separations. We both agree that a open relationship is far better than either cheating on the other and some how the tryth comes out.--------------------Now, I don't mean the above in a judgmental way as I know that different people prefer different things. Your not, I sure cant have this conversation with my 40y/o sisters or brothers now can I? I'm here seeking answers as my life, desires, needs somewhat has changed because a few dirty photos went on the net for all to see. It's exciting and I feel there's a reason this all happened.-----------------------The problem with open relationships in my experience is that they don't tend to last. Actually, of all the people I know who tried this none of them actually managed to make it work. Why, because there's one winner and one loser, one person who wants it more than the other and the other agreeing because they think they can handle it, but find out that they cannot. Basically, an open relationship nulls everything marriage stands for. And yes it dose to a point, but back door cheating hurts more as I've had that in my teenage/twenties marriage. It alomost killed all hope of find true love.------------------------All that said, your husband has proved himself to be unconventional by posting your pictures online (without your permission.) It turned out well for him (or maybe it set something in motion he never wanted to happen...)Truthfully I know him well enough he most likely figured this may happen, IE Myself enjoying the attention, and that's come with this. Being away for years has not been easy on him either and it may have been his way of breaking the nice on this open relationship thing. I to have been very guilty of thing we sould exploer that option as it will be another year or two before he's home for good.-------------------------Talk to him OP. Just realize that you're about to set something in motion you cannot undo. Asking for an open relationship is viewed by many as asking to cheat with permission. Oh trust me we have have out talks and even a day long one during our last met. Again cheating to us, me is the wrong answer.Write soon.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (3 August 2012):
Thanks for the follow up, OP. So, from what I've gathered your husband have been in a monogamous relationship up until now.
I have a few questions for you.
- What are your husbands views on an open relationship in general?
- Is it just sex with other men you want, or do you seek emotional involvement as well?
- If it turns out he does not want an open relationship, what will you do?
- If it's just sex you seek, what will you do if you become attached to another man (don't tell me it won't happen; when you go down that path anything's possible.)
- How does your marriage benefit from this arrangement?
Now, I don't mean the above in a judgmental way as I know that different people prefer different things.
The problem with open relationships in my experience is that they don't tend to last. Actually, of all the people I know who tried this none of them actually managed to make it work. Why, because there's one winner and one loser, one person who wants it more than the other and the other agreeing because they think they can handle it, but find out that they cannot. Basically, an open relationship nulls everything marriage stands for.
All that said, your husband has proved himself to be unconventional by posting your pictures online (without your permission.) It turned out well for him (or maybe it set something in motion he never wanted to happen...)
Talk to him OP. Just realize that you're about to set something in motion you cannot undo. Asking for an open relationship is viewed by many as asking to cheat with permission.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your imputes as they were all read with interest. I’d like to start off by clearing the air on several points. My use of the word "date" was misused, as yes I did mean one-night-stands.My husband and I have had several conversations about this and truthfully I have yet to make it clear my desires of wanting to take this further with other men. Cheating on him was never an option either. I’m more concern with the results of making this an open relationship and us both enjoy what rewards that come from it, or if none what happens in the end. I would only do this with his full approval, understanding and security.The web-site, regardless what some think, has been the greatest tool I’ve found to express myself and open up, regardless if it’s to the world. I was once very hidden and shy up to the day he took and posted those photos. I have now become more open about my sexuality, appearance, clothes and to many other things to talk about here, which were once my secret issues.Next, the thought of jack-the-ripper as a customer of my site did accrue to me, when I was considering dating some of them. In the end it made me want to explore other options if we really want to take this further. The only one at this time that may make the best sense is joining a Swingers club or group.So again my thanks for your impute, concerns and thoughts. I’m still in search of a way to tell him my wants and needs and discuss the way ahead in finding and/or trying a local Swingers club or group.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 August 2012):
 Do you think these guys want to take you out on a date to talk? To treat you like a queen? Or do they want to take you out because they see you as a hole in the mattress for them to use? You have NO idea who those guys may be.
I can't tell you if that will spice up your marriage, but all I can see is potential drama.
Have you even TALKED to your husband about it?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (1 August 2012):
 Even if you weren't married, this could be extremely dangerous for you. It's doubtful the men who visit your site will view you as a real human being rather than a fantasy or sex object. This could end VERY badly for you.
As for your marriage, being desired by men is a COMPLETELY different thing from actually dating them. I have rarely heard of a marriage even surviving the addition of other people to their sex life, let alone actually enjoying it.
I suggest you keep this in the realm of fantasy and leave it there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): To be totally honest with you, no, I don’t think it’s a good idea to proceed with this fantasy. From personal experience, this usually (not always) doesn’t end well. In fact, most often, the relationship will end extremely badly. My ex-girlfriend of four years and I had an intensely sexually adventurous relationship. We went to strip clubs, picked up strippers, swung with couples and singles (MWM, MWMW, MWW), and engaged in all kind of fun. None of this provided any kind of an issue. However, the issues started to arise when my girlfriend would seek casual hook-ups online; mainly due to her hyper-sexuality (she was manic). Then things got very ugly when she requested a break so that we can date others, while we work on our relationships issues. At first, this mainly seemed to be a cuckload situation. I was totally OK with it at first – in fact; it turned me on like no other.However, things started to change quickly as she began going out with a particular man more and more often. In a matter of 10 days; she permanently broke up with me and said that she was “falling” for me. Our break-up was a train wreck and extremely cruel on her end. We haven’t talked since. It’s really sad what has transpired between us in recent time. Therefore, my words of caution would be to pass on this fantasy. If you want to explore or spice things up; swing together with couples and singles. In all honesty, it’s a blast! Just be open and honesty with everyone, and respectful.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (1 August 2012):
What you are asking is if you can have sex outside your marriage with your husbands permission, so lets call it what it is.
The decision is up to the two of you, but I cannot envision a scenario where this ends well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): 18 years together is a lot to throw away. You and your husband may find satisfaction from this temporarily, but it is temporary. Jealousy will likely kick in on him if he notices you enjoying the other men over him or what if he uses this to justify dating other women. Maybe the cyber "dates" disrupt your marriage (i.e., by playing you two against each other) or bring Std's to the table?
You are venturing to a place where you will never find satisfaction and will continue to find new things to "spice" your marriage up. I speak from experience. Its a "domino" effect and you will be out of control with all the fetishes out there. Where do you draw the line?
Get rid of the internet stuff, porn, etc. and find happiness in each others arms again. You will truly be satisfied this way.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (1 August 2012):
 These are not men who want to 'date' you, these men are visiting a porn site to get their kicks over an attractive woman. If they met you they would expect sex, not dating! So you are basically asking the question "Is it ok to have sex with men I've met online even though I'm married?".
Well the answer is no, cheating is never ok despite it being your husband that put the pictures up in the first place. It seems a bit of fun now, and if you both enjoy it then so be it. But in the real world meeting men who (sorry to be so explicit) jerk off over your pictures online is a very dangerous idea, these are not normal guys looking for a relationship, these are men who have deeper sexual desires and not much else. You would be at huge risk of a variety of crimes, I'm sure that is not a situation you would choose to put yourself in now is it.
Then there is the issue of cheating on your husband, even if he claims he would be ok with you meeting other men and maybe even getting turned on by the idea of you having sex with other men - the reality is very different. Search this site for similar topics, many people come on here saying they fantasise about their wives with other men but if they actually go through it then it tears their marriage apart. Jealousy kicks in, the trust is gone and the marriage almost always ends in divorce because of this.
These things are best left as a fantasy, never follow through on it because the reality is dangerous and your husband will never cope as well as he might lead you to believe. At the end of the day you took marriage vows to be faithful to each other so stick to those vows, never deviate.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): Alternatively you could try spicing up your marriage and create a solution where both you and your husband no longer see it as enriching to post photos on the internet or seek out casual sexual partnershttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/spicing-up-your-sex-life.htmlThe above is the alternative that might be alot more fun than your first solution.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 August 2012):
 Please enlighten me, what kind of a joke involves posting pictures of your spouse on the internet? You're both playing with fire, he has absolutely no respect for you and is putting you on show for the world to see and you are enjoying it all. Seems like an open marriage to me. Well if it works for you, then what's the problem? You've both gone far enough already, he's almost selling you online on the porn site and he obviously knows what that will lead to. He already knows what you want and looks like he wont have a problem with that.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (1 August 2012):
Where does it end, though? Going on dates to do what? Discuss politics over coffee? Or is your "one-night date" really a one-night stand? You're skirting the edges here and it's dangerous territory. It might all seem like fun and games now, but it won't take much to cross the line and cheat on him. You mention you want to do this to help your marriage, but isn't it really because you want to see other guys? How is you going on dates going to help your marriage? If any, it's going to ruin it. I think your bf put your pics up there to show you off. People are reacting well, which feeds his ego because he has you and they don't. Going on dates with those men means you are available to them.
You mentioned your site being a porn site. Does that mean you're already having sex with other men than your husband? If that's the case and he's okay with an open relationship, go for it, but beware as there probably will come a time he doesn't want to share you with anyone else. Also, beware of who you pick because the internet is a shady place.
Anyway, I'm just taking a stab in the dark here because you haven't supplied much info to work with, so apologies in advance if I'm off the mark.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): I personally think that meeting people who use your website would be putting yourself in danger because you do not know them. They use your website for some form of sexual gratification and I don't believe they would be content just to have a date. I accept some relationships differ and perhaps if your husband is supporting of this lifestyle then he should probably be present somehow to maintain your safety.
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