A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do I've fallen for my friend, basically after discovering my partner had an affair I turned to a friend for emotional support.At first it was all innocent but now I feel that I want more I love my partner and would never betray him the way he did with me and it's making the decision extremely hard for me.We have a young son and at first I tried to work things out for him plus my partners affair ha ended long before I discovered it. So I drew a line under it so to speak but more and more things keep cropping up we talked and he's still not telling the whole truth I found out he had a threesome also whilst he was cheating but this was with the women in question and another man. I'm just wondering if I should just leave, I feel I may be just staying for the security like the better the devil you know scenario. I know the grass isn't greener on the other side thats why I haven't left.What's the best way to get around this I'm confused upset and I'm at the end of my tether.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (1 August 2012):
 Well you kind of already have betrayed your partner just like he did with you, you are having an emotional affair and that is just as bad as having sex with someone else. You have romantic feelings for this friend, so you are betraying your partner because your heart is not fully his anymore. You cannot truly love your partner if you are falling for someone else, simple as that.
It sounds like the trust is well and truly gone with your current partner, he had the opportunity to come clean about everything when you found out about the affair but he is still lying, so I dont know if the relationship will be recoverable because of this.
However the friend who you are falling for is probably not the right option either, you have only fallen for him because he has been there for you during a difficult time. You would not have felt this way about him without the emotional turmoil you have been through recently, so your feelings for him are not true feelings, they are based on your current situation and probably would not have ocurred if everything was good in your relationship.
So the best thing you could do for you and your child is to take some time out from both men and see what you want. Try a trial separation from your partner, move out and stay with friends/family. Take some time out just to be alone and re-evaluate your feelings. You might find without close contact with your friend you miss your partner so much you want to try again. Or you might find that being away from your partner is the right thing - but you will only discover this if you give yourself time to be alone.
Jumping from one long term relationship straight into another is never going to work, you will only drag your baggage from your last relationship into the new one. You need time to be single and to adjust to your new life, before you begin on a new relationship. You also need time alone to give your child time to adjust to life without mum and dad together (he will be fine but will need time). You cant leave dad and then introduce new man right away, it will confuse him so much and cause behavioural problems. Remaining single will be best for you and the child.
Have a good think about what you want, putting your feelings for your friend aside - is there anything left to salvage with your current partner? Or is it well and truly over? You have both had affairs now (in one way or another) so in my opinion there is not much left to save, but only you can decide that. If you choose to leave your partner, take time out from your friend for a couple of months, be single and focus on your son - then see how you are doing in a few months time.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add this friend likes me whilst he hasn't asked me to be with him he has asked if once I collect myself if I would like to go on a date
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A
female
reader, Sophyroar +, writes (1 August 2012):
I've never been in this situation, but I can understand a little of where you're coming from. I can understand you want the best for your son, every parent does for their child. But your son can still have contact with his father, and likewise, despite you not being together. It seems like you're afraid to leave your partner and be rejected by your friend, but he could be there to support you through the split also. It's great you're putting your son first, but you need to put your happiness first too sometimes. Your son can't be happy if you're not happy or in a tense environment. You're worth more than being cheated on, believe me you are. If you leave your partner, you don't have to jump into bed with your friend, have time to heal and see where your life goes as you get sorted. x
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